First Page: Trainwreck
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Her beard itched.
Leda fought the temptation to scratch it. Instead, she planted her hands on her hips, her legs splayed wide. Men tended to eat up the space around them, and so she would too.
It was dicey, staking out the sheriff’s office so boldly when she was not only wanted by the law, but was also presumed dead. Unfortunately, it was her turn to do reconnaissance in the small but growing railroad town of Ballou, Wyoming. She hoped it would be a quiet shift. Last week, Roy had come back with a concussion and the newest guest at Nearby Ranch, a one Miss Etta Johnson, the town’s most beloved prostitute.
Leda was looking at a pretty fair rendering of Etta nailed to the wall outside the sheriff’s office. In person, the woman had a generous, welcoming smile with soft violet eyes and a pert little nose. The sketch artist, however, had drawn her with a villainous scowl. The text below the picture announced, “Wanted for Attempted Murder. Reward $1,000.”
So it was a good news/bad news situation. Leda gave up and rubbed her chin, hoping it made her appear deep in thought. One the one hand, Etta had been wrong—she believed she’d killed John Witherby when she’d stabbed the wealthy beer baron. On the other, she was still wanted with a price on her head higher than everyone else at the ranch combined.
A pleasant tenor voice beside her made her jump. “Can I help you with anything?”
Leda shook her head no and spared a glance at the man next to her. He was of average height but had a muscular build; close cropped gray hair topped a surprisingly youthful face. A distinctive badge was pinned to his vest. Oh shit. Not the sheriff. A federal marshal. “Just admirin’,” she replied, deepening her voice. It was stupid of her to wear the beard when voice barely passed for an adolescent male. “She’s a looker,” she jerked her chin to Etta’s Wanted poster.
The marshal’s face tightened painfully, but he nodded in agreement. “Don’t let the pretty face fool you,” he warned. “Get close enough and she’ll gut you the first chance she gets.”
“Ain’t that true of any woman?” she joked. Leda desperately needed to get away from here before the marshal looked any closer at her own face. She took a small step away from the wall of wanted notices. Somewhere under all those was a picture of a young baby-faced Wes from their first train robbery back in ‘86. Roy probably had one or two on there as well. No one had seen her face yet, but that was just a matter of luck.
The marshal stared at the picture a second more, a deep furrow etched between his eyes. If this lawman was looking for Etta, that girl was in trouble. “Well, if you see or hear anything about Miss Johnson’s whereabouts, I’d sure appreciate you letting me know,” he said brusquely. With a slight tip of his hat, he disappeared back into the sheriff’s office as quietly as he’d appeared.
Leda let out a relieved breath and booked it back to the hitching post where her mare, Europa, was tethered. The placid beast flicked her ears as she approached. It was nearing midday and the railroad workers would all be heading to Jamieson’s Hotel for their noonday meal soon. She didn’t plan to be here for that; more people meant more risk of discovery.
That’s one great opening line. It pretty much made up for the backstory that followed. I think you could easily make the backstory into a great scene. Leda appears to be helping Etta, so the news that the guy didn’t die is really good news, something that should make Leda think of possibilities, not dispassionately think of good news/bad news in a backstory way.
This could be a tight scene with a scene goal. Tell us what Leda is looking for. “Reconnaisance”and “staking out” are vague terms, that’s telling us why you put Leda in a beard, skulking around the office, not what she hopes to learn/find (note, she doesn’t have to find it, or return). You don’t go through those lengths without a very good reason. After all, to merely stake out, she could hang on the street, chewing tobacco.
The other thing a goal for Leda would help, is make the Marshal’s appearance more of a problem. It not only risks discovery, but interrupts her goal.
Issues:
I’m okay with a robber, but I need a good reason for the robbery. And, if she’s going to go around in a beard, I need a sense of what she looks like, because there are definitely female faces that can look male with a good beard, but the image that springs to mind is a clownish beard on a feminine face. So, to make me believe it, you have to do more to convince me than I’ve seen now. It could be one line “Etta swore that between the rough coat and Leda’s unfeminine nose/black eye/etc, no one would ever guess, but Leda was avoiding the hotel anyway,”
Roy has a concussion, Etta’s wanted for murder, isn’t it time for them to lay low? Between the possibly clownish beard and the timing, I’m wondering if they are TSTL. A scene goal would help with this. If they were planning to retire after this next heist that was the richest haul they’d have in years, then I get why they are doing this now.
Lastly, I can’t see prostitute to a Western town as anything but a misery. I suspect the prices are low, the men unwashed and wham-bam-if-she’s-lucky-a-thank-you-ma’am. You need to fairly promptly give me a decent explanation of what Etta’s doing.
Nits: this is a fragment: “the newest guest . . .the . . . prostitute.” Did Etta get a concussion, too?
She doesn’t “rub her chin” without noticing the beard, which I presume will come off or become slightly off-center with too much rubbing.
I love your setup, and I love what’s happening here. But this is a lot of backstory for a first page.
It didn’t really grab me, but I can’t say why.
Sorry, that’s not too useful. (I first read this earlier, and that was my reaction, but I knew it wasn’t much use so I left it for a while. Coming back, though, I don’t really have anything more to say. It just… didn’t grab me.”
@Cate Cameron: Oops – that final ” is supposed to be ), obviously.
Hey, author,
Thanks for sharing.
I have to agree with SAO, love the first line, but then I also have to agree that we need to better understand how she looks (how she’s able to pull this off).
I’d like to know why she and her group are robbing trains (and hope they have a really good reason), and what, exactly, she’s there at the police station now (you vaguely say she’s scoping things out, but again, why? What is the urgency? Why are they harboring the prostitute, etc.?). It’s a little hard to see myself rooting for criminals. Is this a Robin Hood type situation?
It’s an interesting start (something new and different from what I’m used to seeing), but I’m not fully engaged yet.
The writing is smooth. I don’t mind the backstory, either. I thought you weaved it in well with what is currently happening. There’s something here. A blurb would probably help, but maybe you can find a way to add some pertinent details into your opening.
Best of luck!
I don’t really have any objection to criminal heroes, but for some reason this page just isn’t pulling me in and making me want to read more. I’m not a writer, so I can’t say what’s wrong with it really, but it’s just not doing it for me, despite having an interesting premise.
I like it.
I agree there is too much backstory, but you can always change that as you revise the story later on. You will also learn to cut. “She didn’t plan to be here for that; more people meant more risk of discovery.” – The last part of that sentence can be cut; by now we’ve understood Leda’s situation. Trust the reader to be able to think along.
What I find mildly intriguing are the Ovidian names. “Leda”, and “Europa”. Don’t tell me the silver-haired marshal is called “Zeus”, or I’ll start to worry what he’ll be doing to that mare. Instead, I’m hoping he will fall for that pretty boy with the goatee…*without* realising that he’s a girl.
Anyway, I like the premise, and I’d read on!
Chiming in on the appreciation of the first line! And it looks like an unusual setup, which is nice.
I agree that it’s too much information too soon. I don’t think we need to know upfront the name of the man Etta stabbed, or what he did for a living. I think a scene goal would help draw me into the story. I want to root for her, but I don’t know why I should and that leaves me feeling unengaged.
I would turn the page, but I don’t know if I’d buy the book based on this. I’m not hooked.
Hello Author,
Thanks for sharing your work. I liked it and I would read on. I’m on the fence regarding how much backstory is really needed.
I won’t repeat what the others have already critiqued, however the one thing that gave me pause was how much money you’ve got being offered for Etta.
While you don’t specifically state when this is set (though you do mention their first robbery was in 1886 and you state where Leda currently is. Ballou put me in mind of the film Cat Ballou, btw) but $1,000 was a lot of money back then, especially in light of Etta’s charge of only attempted murder.
For example, Billy the Kid had wanted posters for $500 (Gov of New Mexico put up the money) and also $5,000 later on when he was wanted dead or alive. I did see a poster for $1,000 dollars after he was wanted for murder. Sitting Bull had a wanted poster for $1500 and the infamous Belle Starr had one for $750 in 1882, and that was for horse theft, harboring outlaws and cattle rustling. Jesse James had a bounty of $500 when he wanted for robbery and murder in the early stages of his nefarious career. The governor of Missouri put a bounty on his gang members for $1,000, so I hope this will give you an idea of what would be offered for a lesser-known criminal.
I wish you all the best with your manuscript.
This is a very intriguing start to a novel.
There are some editing issues you’ll need to tighten up on: ” a one Miss Etta Johnson” (drop the ‘a’) and “Leda shook her head no” (no need for ‘no’). Also “Leda was looking at a pretty fair rendering of Etta nailed to the wall outside the sheriff’s office.” is very awkward. You don’t need to say anyone “was looking” in that person’s POV. Just say “Someone had nailed etc”, or “A pretty fair rendered decorated the wall”, or similar.
But the biggest problem I have is the beard/trying to look like a man. Very few women make convincing (cis) men and fake beards look…fake. I find it hard to believe that a cis bloke standing next to a woman in a fake beard wouldn’t spot her in a second as female. Unless that’s a plot point or this is Italian opera, maybe find another way of Leda carrying out her surveillance. The Wild West wasn’t composed entirely of manly men and feminine women, so why can’t Leda just be a pants wearing farmer gal type? If it’s to disguise her identity, changing her apparent gender is the most awkward way of doing this.
Good luck with this one!
I’m a sucker for a chick-in-pants, and I like criminal heros, so I should be your audience — but, well… like so many others, I just didn’t feel “caught.”
I didn’t mind the backstory, although I agree with the others that it could be more artfully dropped. But I think, as others have said, the real problem is that you need a specific reason for your heroine to be HERE (at the sheriff’s office) doing THIS (staking out in disguise), especially since she knows it’s “risky”; and the meet-cute with the (I assume) romantic lead is not good enough.
Author here, thank you everyone for your insights and critiques! Looks like I have some re-tooling to do. Wikkidsexycool, I love that you brought up Cat Ballou. That movie is a favorite of mine, so yes, the fictional town is named after the movie.
Hi Author! I actually enjoyed it immensely. There are some editing revisions but overall, I was hooked. And as Senior Editor at Champagne Book Group, I read a lot of submissions with loads of info dump and backstory and I just don’t see that here. I’m your market as while I love something happening beginnings, I don’t mind, especially in historical romance, a bit of a slower pace. Sure, maybe a bit of tightening but not a lot. I would love to read more. Sounds intriguing and I already like Leda. Well done!