First Page: The Travelers 1 Paranormal Romance
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“You’re firing me?”
“Well, no, not in so many words…” Principal Hernandez looked down at the papers on his desk, shuffling them and straightening the pile to avoid locking eyes with the young woman on the other side of his desk. He always hated this time of year. Budget cuts and stricter government standards meant that layoffs at the end of every school year had become commonplace.
Lincoln Middle School had consistently scored poorly on the state-mandated standardized tests, putting Principal Hernandez in the unenviable position of making the school’s budget balance. Fundraisers and booster clubs could only go so far. He didn’t have the space in the budget for any extra teachers that weren’t in STEM specialties.
“We’ve just decided that we won’t be able to renew your contract for next year,” the haggard older man finished, his eyes trained on the scratched edge of his desk. He hated this part of the job. Each year, doe-eyed kids, freshly certified, inundated him with resumes. Each year, he let go his best teachers to make room for inexperienced people that he could pay less.
Gemma Fellings had been one of those hires a few years ago. She was a great elective teacher. She managed to teach the music, art, and computer students on different days of the week. The students loved her, she even supervised a few of the after-school study groups. It would hurt to lose a passionate and dedicated professional, but there just wasn’t any place for her salary.
“So, I’m fired, like I said,” she answered, trying to force the slight man to make eye contact with her. She knew that he was avoiding her gaze because of his guilty conscience; making him meet her eyes wouldn’t change his mind, though.
“The county has appointed a one teacher for all of the middle schools. He’s going to visit five schools a day. You know what the cuts are like with FCAT and Common Core. You’re too good of a teacher to be treated like this, Gemma. You deserve better.”
Gemma frowned, feeling like she deserved a job if she was such a great teacher. There was no arguing her case though. Any teacher without tenure knew that their fate could be decided at any moment without them. Unions could only do so much as far as contracts were concerned; they helped in the negotiations and Gemma was sure if she called her representative they would give her some path of recourse.
“I’m really sorry; I’m in a tough place. It’s either you or Abigail and…”
“And parents would much rather pre-AP than art, I get it,” she answered with a sigh.
She left the empty halls of Lincoln Middle School, trying to stop herself from getting sentimental. This had been her first assignment, where she found her teaching legs so to speak. She loved the kids, but the job wasn’t what she had imagined. Entitled parents, lack of supplies and no support from administration made her job unnecessarily difficult.
As she crossed the sweltering parking lot, a fine sheen of sweat broke out on her forehead. The sunshine state had always been Gemma’s home, but even after twenty-seven years, she still wasn’t used to the oppressive humidity of Tampa Bay.
The drive home gave her ample time to think about her next course of action; she didn’t want to stay in Tampa anymore. That much she knew. The city was too big, too dangerous, too full of uncertainties around every corner.
Hi Author and thanks for sharing.
Sadly, you lost me the moment you went from one character’s head to the next. It’s called head-hopping. and unless it’s done very, very well, it’s going to turn off a lot of readers. I suspect it continues through your entire story.
Choose the character whose story this is and tell it (or even better, show us) from that character’s POV. That’s your main character. I suspect it’s not the principal, but Gemma.
Much of this first page is backstory about why she’s getting fired. That could all be handled in a few sentences of dialog between the two. I’m not well versed on the hiring laws in Florida regarding teachers and letting them go, but I suspect someone out there is. Something about that segment doesn’t ring true, meaning I don’t quite buy the scene, especially since you mention unions. I do have a bit of experience with them, and this would never have happened quite like this.
There are other inconsistencies that keep distracting me from the story: she’s lived in Florida all her life, but she’s not used to the humidity? I can understand not liking the humidity, or being bothered by it. But not being used to it seems the wrong phrase. I grew up in Wisconsin; I was used to snow and mosquitoes. I didn’t like either of them, but I was used to them.
You have POV breaks. Gemma cannot know why the principal isn’t meeting her eyes. She might guess, but she’s not in his head (and we shouldn’t be, either…) to know he’s got a guilty conscience.
A few quibbles with language. “…people who…” instead of “…people that…” Sunshine State should be capitalized. “And parents would much rather pre-AP than art, I get it,”…I think you’re missing a word.
Your writing, for the most part, is smooth, and flows well. But there isn’t much happening on the page. Gemma gets fired, takes it without argument, and walks out, complains about the weather, and then decides to leave Tampa. Then you drop the most intriguing line of the whole story…and now I want to know what danger lies in all the sticky humidity of Tampa.
But I might not have read that far, simply because of the shifting POV. That, I feel, is the biggest issue with this first page.
Thanks for sharing. I wish you luck (not sure why it’s luck you need; you have talent, you have a story…I feel I should be wishing you eternal power for your laptop, or eternal ink in your pen, and hope you never suffer from writer’s cramp. And an ever-full cup of your favorite beverage always by your side.)
Do you have a blurb? I’d be curious where and when (and who and what) the paranormal aspect of this story appears. A hint on the first page would be welcomed. And if there were less backstory, there’d be room for a clue or three about the paranormal.
I kept thinking that a teacher would not say, “He didn’t have the space . . . for any extra teachers THAT weren’t . . .,” not “teachers WHO.” It really bugged me.
But this isn’t where your story starts. I have no clue what’s next, but the story starts when Gemma starts doing whatever comes next, or when she meets the vampire/werewolf/angel/demon that makes this paranormal.
As an entirely irrelevant nit, Science and Math, are not “specialties,” they are core to any decent education.
It is written well and the story flows – but the whole first page is about Gemma getting fired, there is no hook for me. I think your story should begin with your last paragraph, with Gemma leaving the building having been fired and thinking about her next course of action.
Good luck!
I came to say the same thing that Willa said. And I agree with Carol – the most interesting sentance is the last one on this page. I think that may be where your story begins.
Add another voice distracted by the head-hopping and not drawn in by the conflict.
We get beaten over the head with “Show, don’t tell”, but really, the vast majority of events are probably best told, not shown. Only show us the important stuff. If the principal comes back later as a benevolent vampire hunter, okay, it was good for you to show us this introduction. But if he’s out of the book, now? This whole scene could have been shown in one sentence, leaving us more space to get to the good stuff!
Agree about the head hopping. Pick one character’s point of view (POV) and stick with it throughout the chapter, otherwise I find it too confusing and probably wont read on.
As the spouse of a teacher (not in FL), this reads authentic to me. When your contract is up, you’re basically done if the district chooses not to renew and there’s not much the union can do. And it’s true funding is going to STEM positions right now. I’ve heard STEM Specialist used, not STEM Specialties, that may just be a regional thing, tho. But does a reader really need to know all this if it’s not central to the plot/storyline? Getting fired is a pretty big event, so I think it’s ok to start here, but it’s info dumpy and drags a bit. I feel like you could condense this to a paragraph or two and add some urgency/emotion. Good luck.
Did my comment wind up in the spam filter?
@Cate Cameron:
ETA: “This whole scene could have been TOLD in one sentence”, not “SHOWN in one sentence”. Sorry.
I’m a teacher and know of at least one state where there’s a tendency to let teachers without tenure go so that they can hire less experienced teachers for less pay. It creates a 3-year revolving door. I totally buy the nuts and bolts of this scene. It all depends on the terms of the contract.
You give a lot of educational background, which justifies the non-renewal of the contract, which isn’t necessary at this point and really bogs down the story for people not in education, who really just want things to move along. Your heroine can go over this stuff in her head in a few quick sentences as she’s leaving the school. The reader only really needs to know that the school is consolidating their electives program, focusing on STEM and she’s a casualty.
Head hopping always yanks me out of the story, even when the masters do it. Unless the principal shows up later in the story, we really don’t need to be in his head. I don’t think we even need to see him.
That said, I’m cheering for you. I like your heroine and I’m interested in what happens to her.
I can’t agree with Willa, that your story starts as Gemma leaves the building. That would only be true IF on the way home, something happens. We don’t know your story or where it starts, just not here.
Unlike the others, I think you’ve started in the right place. This is the moment her ordinary world changes, and the start of her story. Maybe drop in a hook, and revise the scene on the lines the others have said, but this is the start, of her story.
She needs to make a decision, though, that will hook through to the next bit. Maybe she is already restless, maybe she’s seen other teachers fired and she’s prepared for it, and has already started to wonder what was next.
The head hopping has been outlined by other commenters above. It really matters, even when a reader isn’t aware of what you’re doing, they will feel distanced, and that vague “what?” feeling when the narrator switches heads mid-scene. Either learn how to transition or don’t do it.
Argh! No edit button!
I agree with t Lynn–the story can start here, where her ordinary world changes. I think the scene needs streamlined, though.
I feel more for Principal Hernandez than for Gemma: partly because we start in his pov, but also because her reaction is so muted – she’s losing her job, her work colleagues, the students who she loves – and instead of shock, fear, or anger, she frowns, sighs, then reconciles herself to the situation and moves on with her life. His emotions read more strongly – he hates the situation in two places, and he looks haggard.
I found – as a non-US reader – some of the jargon – STEM, FCAT, pre-AP – meaningless. I imagine it’s realistic, but I slightly wonder whether you need all those references – it’s hard to know if it will be relevant later.
Could you skip from “making him meet her eyes wouldn’t change his mind, though” to “I’m really sorry; I’m in a tough place. It’s either you or Abigail and…”?
As it is, I don’t think I’d read on, because I’m invested in the character who you’re leaving behind, not the one you’re following.
But if you tweaked it a little, I think I’d read on.
Good luck.
I’d be more open to the idea of this being the start of the story if it was a contemporary romance. But for a paranormal romance? This is a LITTLE change, but there’s probably a much more dramatic one coming up…
I agree the writing is smooth and the scene has potential. I am not sure if this is where the story starts. Is the point of this scene to give the MC a reason to leave town? If the story isn’t coming back to the school or the principal, then all this is background info that could be summarized in a few sentences rather than played out in dialogue.
Take this with a grain of salt or with salt and tequila. As a reader, what I want is something to catch my interest, not just my sympathy.
The part about the town being dangerous caught my interest, but I had to read several paragraphs to get to that point.
In my opinion (as a reader and a writer of not books), I think you have some sort of problem on this page. The fact that the comments section has turned into a debate on the validity of your presentation of the firing process of a teacher rather than a “wow, I really want to read this” or “you have a really interesting/new/crazy thing here” or even “this was super well-written!” (which to me it was, btw) shows that you haven’t hooked us. This is a really well-written scene, and if I had spent time with this character already, I would definitely feel sympathy for her. Or even, as one commentor pointed out, if we get more of her thoughts/emotions about this. As it is, it isn’t a super compelling first page. It’s definitely not a bad first page, it just isn’t super attention grabbing. Is this scene super super relevant to the plot? I agree with the person above who said that unless the principal comes back as a vampire hunter (or is murdered/possessed/has further plot significance) this is a lot of his POV. Books don’t need to adhere to this as strongly as film/television obviously, but every scene should have a purpose. I’m assuming the purpose of this scene is to introduce us to the MC, in which case, I don’t know if I have enough of a sense of her.
Also, pertaining to the education debate, this scene rang true for me. I know several music/art teachers who unfortunately have had to change schools a lot. There isn’t much job security unless you are working at a private school, and even then…
So yeah, I buy this scene, but I think you need to either convince me that it’s important enough to be the lead scene, or start with something more compelling.
As I said, I’m not an author/writer of books, so feel free to completely ignore everything I said!
Good luck!!!
So I agree that the head-hopping is unfortunate, b/c I felt more sympathy for the principal than for the teacher/presumed heroine.
One thing – is this a slightly different/slightly weird/near future version of Tampa? Or is the paranormal aspect secret? Already known by her or not? Is she paranormal? You need to leave a clue.
If everyone knows about the paranormal aspects, you need to use some vocab or clues in the beginning to let the reader know it’s not Our World. For example, instead of using actual current education jargon, you should make something up. Here’s one way you could do — and there are many — but in the line “budget cuts and stricter government standards” you could come up with an actual named standard that sounded creepy and vaguely paranormal… but if you’re not in his POV you have to work it into dialog.
“Is it the money?” she asked. “Is that it?”
“Well,” he stared at his desk blotter as if wondering how much to say. When he raised his eyes, she saw defeat. And truth. “The budget cuts after the Lycan Reparations Act have slashed every department, across the board. Education held up better than health care.” His lips twisted. “But not by much.”
(See, we have politics that people get — across the board budget cuts — and a creepy law name).
Gemma seems a little dim to not pick up on low test scores and budget troubles possibly affecting her position. Also, the Common Core and STEM references date your story and are more realism than I like in spec fic.
Grammar nitpicks: While I know that even principals might say “too good of a teacher” instead of “too good a teacher,” it grated on me. “Sunshine State” needs capital letters.
She has been there 27 years, so why is the city only dangerous after she loses her job? There might be an interesting answer, but you haven’t convinced me yet. Your writing has potential. Good luck with the story.