First Page: The Sideshow – Drama
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He was born with an unusual number of limbs, but otherwise he was perfectly normal. They couldn’t think of something to say the day he birthed. When he had fully emerged, they tightly swaddled him as soon as possible. Then, instead of “congratulations!” or, “it’s a boy!” his mother only heard “I’m so sorry,” and, “would you like him disposed of?” This was before she’d even gotten a good look at him, and- still out of breath, covered in sweat and blood and tears and now terrified by what she was hearing- the woman who birthed Spider screamed, “Give him to me!” A nurse handed the bundle over, and she peered at her infant’s face. It was a beautiful face.
“He’s perfect,” she said, but holding him now she could tell the swaddled form was lumpier than it ought to have been. He was unfolded, like a present, and she screamed so loudly that she woke up a coma patient three floors down. That’s a joke he used to add to the story.
It was only then- after she’d seen him and screamed like that- that he began to cry. He could have been perfectly happy forever if nobody had ever screamed at him. That’s what he used to say, and I suppose he really believed it.
I was seventeen years old when I first saw him. He had a trick where he would tuck his extra arms into a baggy shirt, and one extra leg into each loose pant leg with extra-large shoes to fit both pairs of feet so he could walk around like normal and no one would suspect anything was different if they didn’t pay too much attention. But when I first saw him, he was wearing his show clothes- a custom made, tight-fitting suit that unapologetically revealed his anomalous form.
I’d been wandering around the crowded front entrance of the circus for the past half hour, trying to meet up with a friend of mine while taking in all the smells and sounds and colors around me. A man on a brightly painted platform shouted out advertisement for a burlesque show inside a small scarlet tent, children counted pennies out to a clown selling cotton candy from a rolling booth, and a huge banner boasted of an elephant inside the big top that could do a hand-stand. The row of banners strung in a row across the side of the sideshow tent boasted of oddities beyond the farthest reach of human imagination.
That’s when I heard it- the whistling. It was apart from the other noise- which is why it caught my interest. It wasn’t an advertisement, it wasn’t part of a show, it was just a simple tune from the lips of someone disillusioned by the fanfare. Amidst the other noises, the tune stood out to me because it was my favorite song.
I slipped behind the show tents and away from the crowds, following the melody. Weaving in and out among the travel wagons and empty holding cages for the show animals, my skirt brushing against my knees, I came nearer to the sound until I walked straight out into the clearing right in front of him.
The whistling stopped. He stood up abruptly from the crate he’d been reclining on and steadied himself with four barefoot feet in the grass. Two arms quickly moved to hide themselves behind his back, and the other two arms hung stiffly at his sides.
I said nothing and neither did he. I knew that it would be impolite to stare at his limbs, so I looked at his eyes instead. Piercing and gray-blue under dark brows, I was surprised by the way those eyes made me feel.
“I heard you whistling,” I finally said, by way of explanation- perhaps apology. He didn’t respond, only broke my gaze by looking down at his feet. “All of Me. Louis Armstrong, right?” The slightest hint of a smile showed on his face. “What’s your name?”
“The Human Spider,” he murmured, adjusting his cap over a mess of coal-colored hair.
“I didn’t mean what they call you,” I said. “What’s your actual name?”
“James Phillip Solderman,” he spoke haltingly, like the name was unfamiliar to his tongue. After a long pause he very quietly asked, “What’s yours?”
“Ruby,” I said. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to disturb you.”
He looked back up into my eyes, squinting, and I felt the hair on my arms and neck rising up. I couldn’t tell if I was repulsed by him or if I wanted to be closer to him.
Okay, I’m intrigued.
Not sure if it’s going to be a romance (not quite sure what “Drama” means as a genre), but it caught my attention.
Quibbles? Not many. You could maybe clarify ” a huge banner boasted of an elephant inside the big top that could do a hand-stand” – if someone’s looking for trouble, they could argue that it’s the big top doing the handstand, not the elephant. More substantially, I’m not sure I believe that the narrator could have heard the guy whistling from that far away over all the hubbub of the carnival. Maybe have her taking a short cut or something and being a lot closer when she first hears the song?
Wow. I really liked that scene. I thought it was powerful. And different. I like how you’re intent on telling a story about Spider through the girl’s eyes. I’m not sure what genre this is either. And I’m curious to know more-which is a good thing! Good luck with this!
Hello Author,
I really enjoyed this. Just a few observations, though. It would be nice to know the year and general area this is set in. While Louis Armstrong’s “All of Me” was released in the early in 1930’s, some readers may not be aware of that.
But I see what you did. With the lyrics to that song perhaps being key, as it refers to “take my arms . . . ” (not sure if it’s okay to list the rest of the lyrics, so I’m not gonna chance it).
I’d also think about the title, as I’m hoping its a working title and not the final one.
Because James/Spider reads as totally endearing on your first page, so congrats on that. An opening this good needs a less generic title, imho.
I’d definitely read on. I’m not sure if this is general fiction, but Ruby’s inner voice and the way she’s responding so soon to James’ eyes being “Piercing and gray-blue under dark brows, I was surprised by the way those eyes made me feel” came off as Young Adult or even NA, where the female lead is drawn rather quickly to the lead. I’m on the fence about Ruby stating her attraction so soon, even though you add a line at the end about her being unsure.
I think you’ve got a very strong opener. I wish you all the best with this. It’s riveting and different, and could be just as emotionally draining as the life of The Elephant Man. I think you may already know where you’ll be walking a tightrope regarding sensitivity, but if your first page is any indication, I think the rest of the book has the promise of being just as considerate.
If this is set in the time period I think it is, then the characters will speak for themselves, even the ones who may treat James with benevolence while still being cruel. A blurb on the book would be nice, and also if you plan on self-pubbing or going with an agent. Either way, I hope you’ll come back and report on your progress.
Wow! One page and you had me. The only quibbles worth noting is that 1) I struggled with the jump from James’s birth to Ruby at the circus and
2) I think you could have a stronger sentence about James’s eyes. Something a bit more real/original.
I like it.
Extreme nitpicking:
– when you use the phrase ‘perfectly normal’ in a first line, it takes me back to Harry Potter as surely as the phrase ‘universally acknowledged’ would have taken me to P&P. Given how widely read HP is, other people might hear that echo as well. (You might be happy with that.)
– “unapologetically revealed his anomalous form” sounded a false note to my ear. Up till then the narrator sounds conversational – settle down children and I’ll tell you how I met your grandfather – but no-one casually uses that kind of language.
– the whistling. I could sort of suspend disbelief and imagine she could hear someone whistling despite the background cacophony, especially if it was a favourite tune, but because it takes her a whole paragraph to reach James, my brain translates that as a considerable distance, so I’m left with a rather silly picture in my head, where either he whistles like a steam train or she hears like a bat. (Or you’re writing magical realism, in which case, no problem.)
But, as I say, that’s nitpicking to an extraordinary degree – I think it’s a strong page.
Good luck.
I don’t think this is my genre, and I don’t often read first person narrative, but – this is fantastic. I loved it. Your voice is powerful and the story intriguing. I’ve got a really good feeling about this one.
Just a thought – is this something to do with the cult movie “Freaks”?
This is interesting. I agree with many of the above comments, and don’t have much to add, nit-picky-wise, except that his last name, unless you mean it to be this, is only a handful of letters away from Spiderman. And in a sentence or three after Human Spider, well, it seems contrived.
But I really like this. I’d read on :)
Well dang. Good job. You’re breaking some rules here (lots of telling, no conflict on the first page) but you make it work so well. This is a great example of why rules don’t always apply.
I’m not sure where you’re heading, but I would certainly read on. Thanks for sharing your first page.
Excellent.
“barefoot feet” should maybe be bare feet?
But it’s a wonderful voice and interesting, compelling idea.