First Page: Split Shift – Paranormal Romance
First Pagefirst page / literary critique11 Comments
Welcome to First Page Saturday. Individual authors anonymously send a first page read and critiqued by the Dear Author community of authors, readers and industry others. Anyone is welcome to comment. You may comment anonymously. You can submit your own First Page using this form. We currently do not have a queue.
[hr color=”light-gray” width=”50″ border_width=”5″ ]
When I was a baby, my mother up and flew away. That’s what Daddy used to tell me, anyway. He stood on the porch whenever we returned home, staring up at the sky as if he was waiting for her to come back. He kept wishing on that star until the day he died. I buried stories of her alongside him and made my way with my feet on the ground.
Sometimes, I stand on the porch and look up the mountain, but I’m not waiting for a mother I never knew. I’m waiting for Elijah Makepeace to wake up from his long sleep. That’s how I know spring is on the way. Doesn’t matter if there’s knee-high snow or the wind coming down off the mountain is cold as death, if Elijah has his lights on, winter is as good as done.
The air was still bitter when he returned this year. I stocked shelves in my little store, killing time until he settled enough to come over for a cup of coffee. He had a terrible hunger when he first woke up, so he spent the better part of his days eating. It usually took a couple weeks before he could pretend to be human, but he didn’t worry about that around me.
I didn’t mind waiting, mostly because I had nowhere else to be. Camping season wouldn’t start for another month, at the earliest, so it wasn’t likely I’d have customers. Smart people wait until they’re sure the ice has melted on at least one mountain road. I don’t make much money on the smart ones.
After a while, I gave up working and ducked back into the house to make coffee. For good measure, I did the dishes and whipped up some biscuits. If Elijah did show, he’d finish most of them. With any luck, he would bring his special honey, and we could have a proper breakfast. No matter how much I begged, he wouldn’t tell me where he got that honey. Bears like their secrets.
The oven timer dinged at the same time the bells on my shop door jangled. I burned my fingers setting down the cookie sheet and let out a string of curses as I trotted down the stairs.
A stranger stood in my shop. The morning light showed up thin streaks of grey in his light brown hair. He looked too young for them. I stared at him for half a second too long. When he turned around, I still had my fingers in my mouth, like a little girl licking off the last of a treat. I jammed them in my pocket and winced as tender skin scraped against my jeans.
“Burn?” the man asked.
I nodded and wondered if he could read my mind. Considering the things going through it, that could be embarrassing. His eyes were the green of sunlit leaves, and his wind-reddened cheeks only highlighted the beauty of his strong jaw, dusted by stubble. Not a lot of people make me feel petite, except for Elijah, but this guy seemed to fill the shop with his wide shoulders and wider grin.
“Let me take a look at it.” He held out a calloused hand, as if I would instantly comply.
“It’s nothing, just a little scorch from the oven.”
“Show me anyway. Burns can be tricky. I’d hate to see you lose the use of your fingers.”
Something about the way he talked to me got my back up. “I can take care of myself.” I went behind the counter, because it made me feel safer.
He watched me, smiling the whole time. “You wouldn’t last around here if you couldn’t, but that’s no reason not to accept help when you’re hurt.”
_______________
Note to the site goddesses: If this posted to you multiple times, I am terribly sorry. My internet connection went haywire, and instead of being patient, I mashed the submit button like an idiot. I pray you forgive my lack of sense, should it have caused you distress.
I like the voice and really liked the opening para. It’s easy to read and interesting. I’d certainly read on a bit.
I liked everything until I got to the stranger’s reaction to her burn. Most cooking burns aren’t serious, her reaction wasn’t that of real pain (she’d have dropped the pan if it was). So, why is stranger making a fuss? If he can read her mind, he should know it’s not a serious burn. Suggesting she could lose the use of her fingers seemed ridiculous to me. If the point of this is to show some supernatural powers in the stranger, I think you could do it more naturally.
You could give our narrator more purpose than waiting for Elijah to show up. I get the sense that she has nothing to do but wait. Change a few words and that impression would vanish.
Quibbles: I assumed she went into the shop from the back door, in which case, why did the stranger have his back to her? If she came in through the front door, why did she leave her store unlocked when she was in a different building?
I like it and would continue reading based on this first page. There’s not really anything I would change at all. I think the issue you’re eventually going to have is making this shifter (I’m assuming it’s shifter) title stand out from all the others out there. But I guess that’s a problem for another day.
I like this – I’d keep reading.
I also thought the passages with the stranger weren’t as strong as the earlier section. The description of his eyes etc seems out of character / not in the same voice as the rest of the it – and also out of the blue. I can’t decide if the handsome stranger is going to be the villain or hero – right now I’m getting a creepy vibe from him.
I like it. The few minor quibbles are already mentioned, but I’d definitely read on.
I liked this A LOT! I thought it was going to be literary and then the paranormal jumped out and I was hooked.
But I agree – maybe the stranger’s back was to her b/c he was looking at something? That’s the only place where I couldn’t figure it out.
I like this very much. I’d read on. And yes, just a little bit more about where the house is in relation to the shop would help clear up that little bit of who’s where looking at whom, probably not more than a word or three somewhere in maybe two sentences. “Ducked back into the house” sounds like she goes out and into another building; “trotted down the stairs” gives the impression she lives above the shop. Minor detail, but it snagged me for a millisecond.
I think the stranger was teasing her about the seriousness of the burn, not overreacting to her injury. I think she overreacted to his asking to see her hand.
Really minor, tiny, tiny quibble…baking sheet instead of cookie sheet. It’s minor beyond all minor quibbles, but you have biscuits and then cookie…and it really is such a minor quibble. But it caught my eye and made me pause. I’m probably the only person to ever read this that would get hung up on that :)
I’m international and I say things like “trash bin” instead of “rubbish bin” or “trash can”. I just give my chars some international background to cover it.
Chiming in to say yes, I like this. Well written. I’d definitely turn the page and keep reading.
I liked it until she started interacting with the stranger, went nope. He was over reacting to her injury. Was it supposed to be a hint that he was going to be all alpha and I thought the dialog was just to wooden. I would not read on. Good luck though.
Heather
This was very well-written. I am intrigued and would definitely keep reading. Best of luck with this!
I too was really into it until she started interacting with the stranger – I didn’t like him at all. I would keep reading though.