First Page: Rebel’s Stand – Post Apoc
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July 1st
103 days post outbreak
Rebel’s heart skipped a beat. She exhaled and leaned against the abandoned minivan she hid behind, eyes glued on the classic red mustang that rumbled to a halt a short distance away. Her fingers curled on the gun in the holster at her back, more out of habit than fear. The driver’s side door of the car squeaked open.
Her jaw dropped.
Holy. Shit.
A man.
For a moment she experienced epic meltdown—like a teenager at a boy band concert. Her hands fluttered. Fear, joy and apprehension all collided together, causing an instant of life threatening confusion. She swallowed hard.
Duh. Men used to make up fifty percent of the population so the chances were always high that the new group would send a man. But still, Rebel found herself completely unprepared. Real, live human beings were rare now and the thought of having someone else to speak to, someone to touch, or…whatever. The concept almost brought her to her knees. And this wasn’t another female she was meeting up with here, but a man. Hopefully, a heterosexual man.
Oh gawd…what if he were hetero? And single. That meant…meant…sex? She might be able to have sex with a person and not a toy? Her eyes closed and she touched her forehead against the side of the van.
What should she do? Hormones couldn’t take charge of this situation. This was life or death. She was confronting this person alone and a day early. Rebel lifted her head, thinking hard. Jason, her only companion is this shitty new world was asleep in the RV parked in the far corner of the rest stop, unaware of the danger she was in because they’d expected to meet up with these survivors tomorrow. Tomorrow. Not now. Ugh.
How could she be certain this man was part of the group she’d made contact with? Was he their scout? Or was he someone else entirely who happened to be at the right place at the right time?
Was he a threat…a raging asshole out for rape and murder, or another rare survivor with actual morals, a man she could…trust?
Trust. She blinked. A rare commodity these days.
The stranger stood up and the car door slammed shut behind him. Oh, wow. She peered at the guy from her hiding place a few spaces away, her thoughts skimming over the last few chaotic months. How long had it been since she’d seen another man alive? She hadn’t seen anyone except Jason, since…since…damn, she couldn’t remember.
Her eyes devoured him—from the top of his angelic hair to the tips of his kick ass black boots. He took a few determined steps; his head turning to examine the vacant parking lot dotted with trash and discarded vehicles. She couldn’t keep her eyes off his shoulder length blond hair and dark jeans that cupped his pelvis and ass in all the right places. And those tats! Dear God, she was a sucker for a man with tats. Colored artistry sleeved both of his muscled arms, and some flamed up from the collar of his fitted black T shirt, licking up his magnificent corded neck. Her breath caught in her throat as her traitorous body instantly flooded with white-hot lust.
Her nails dug into her palms. How could she possibly be turned on? How? Her eyes hardened and her lips formed a thin line. No more gawking. She was stuck there, with little cover and she needed to figure out an escape plan, fast. Surviving a devastating outbreak and struggling for survival in a post-apocalyptic, “I Am Legend” type-of-world would turn anyone into a stone-cold killer. It certainly made her jumpy as hell. Feeling indecisive, Rebel fingered her weapon and smiled grimly. Should she shoot this potentially dangerous stranger now, or jump him and fuck his brains out?
“I know you’re here.” His voice sounded impossibly deep and sexy as it echoed in the vast, empty space. “I can hear you breathe.”
Her heart stopped. She cupped her hand over her mouth.
Damn. How was that possible?
Boots crunched on asphalt. “I saw you when I drove in.” His voice inched closer. She pulled her gun. “Come on out,” he said, his intonation both smooth and sultry. “It’s okay, I won’t hurt you. I just want to talk.”
Yeah, right. Her jaw clenched. That’s what they all said, right before the raping and beating commenced. No thank you.
You write smoothly, but I never buy insta-lust. You’d have a hard time selling me on him with just a few words like, “dear God she was a sucker for tats,” but here? She thinks he’s likely to rape and beat her, but she’s still “suddenly flooded with white-hot lust?” I’m just not feeling it.
I felt there was a bit too much telling and not enough action. It was all in her head, but she didn’t do much other than finger her gun. Why didn’t she draw it? If the doors of the car opened and several enemies swarmed out in a rush, her chances would be better with her gun drawn.
That said, this is not my sort of thing.
Hello Author,
Thanks for having the courage to submit this. You have skill as a writer, and I like your premise (I might be a tad biased, since I’ve a got a book along a similar line of an apocalyptic war between the sexes). However this reads like NA scifi, as if the lead is still a teenager or just out of her teens. If that’s what you’re going for, then okay, I can see just as many readers enjoying her inner thoughts as those who may be turned off by all her gushing over seeing a man.
I have to agree with SAO. Her insta-lust and warring within herself about how hot he is and then switching to whether he’d rape her, I didn’t buy it.
She’s fighting to survive each day, and the first time she sees a hot guy she suddenly dives into TSTL territory? Maybe cutting out the paragraph that started with “Her eyes devoured him” and placing it a bit later on in the story, after a bit more editing would help.
Right now, I’m one the fence about whether or not I like your heroine, and she’s supposed to carry the story. Your male lead reads like Rage from JR Ward’s Black Dagger series, with his angelic blond hair and kick ass boots. I’m wondering if this is a society where rapes occur frequently, why anyone, male or female would present themselves out in the open like you have him doing.
It made me think he’s either a trap, or bordering on TSTL.
In times of war, you’re more likely to sneak up on someone, because you never know who else could be watching and from where. Even with everything I’ve mentioned, I still like this, I like your writing and I think you have something here.
I bit more action, like SAO suggested, and a balance of her interest/distrust in seeing a man in such a long time, and this could be a page turner. I hope you’ll post a short blurb on the premise. I wish you all the best with this.
Nicely written, but I’m not buying it, or reading on.
I don’t buy any of her emotional reactions, past the first flutter of fear at seeing the car. After that I can’t suspend disbelief to generate much interest in her insta-lust and love of tats.
I’d like a post-apocalyptic heroine, even in what hints at being an erotic romance, to act like she’s in a post-apocalyptic state of mind, not a teenager at the mall ogling some guy at the mall. For me it minimizes any sort of power you might have given her, any legitimacy.
I want her to be kick ass, not the guy’s boots. And she ain’t kicking ass if she’s chasing it.
I also meant to add there is a distance to your writing, a lot of instances of “Her nails dug” “Her eyes hardened” (which is particularly disconcerting. I don’t want to imagine her eyes growing hard in her head and falling out like marbles) “Her lips formed a thin line.” Since it is she you are writing about, telling us what her lips and eyes and nails did, rather than giving us the emotion behind those actions sets us apart from her. I’m watching her clench her fist, narrow her eyes, compress her lips, but why?
Thanks so much for the feedback. It’s so helpful for me to have a “soft opening” of the beginning in order to gauge reactions and use your ideas to make my opening stronger.
Can you believe I haven’t written a blurb for this yet? *embarassed laughter* But, I can tell you this – before the end, Rebel Case was a famous movie star (think Scarlett Johansson) and the hero is a dangerous ex con – the outbreak hit, killing almost everyone, and he was able to walk right out of Pelican Bay…
Hi Author!
Knowing she was a movie star, I read cliche…same with the guy. It’s too predictable.
@Carol: Darn it. You’re killing me. :)
I’m sorry…but I can only be honest :)
Is this an erotic romance? Does she end up banging the guy straight away? How does she evolve over the story?
If she is TSTL at the beginning, and then evolves, that’s great. But I think you risk turning off some readers with an opening like this, knowing she’s a former movie star.
I must say, watching the Ukraine crisis, I don’t think after 4 months, people get it. How do they now this was the apocalypse, not a big mess contained in their place? I guess I feel like the Apocalypse hit the Donbass a year ago and not even all the E. Ukrainians have figured out what to do or what it is. In the mean time, the rest of the world has conferences, high level meetings with Merkel and Poroshenko.
I’m just not seeing an adjustment to the post-apocalyptic world after a mere 4 months.
Also, if you want your MC to be a movie star, make her think like one. Don’t say kick-ass boots, but boots like Schwartzenegger wore in the Terminator, blonder than Redford in Singing in the Rain (or whatever, you get the idea). She’s used to thinking about how things would look on the big screen.
Hey, author! I agree with all of the above. I was also very confused about how new guy Tattooed Fabio is the only man she’s seen…except for Jason her constant companion? Is Jason a dog?
As an ex-actress myself, I would think that Rebel (ugh, I admit, I hate the name) would use her greatest skill as a defense. Where’s her bluff, her charm, her acting? It should be front and center. We all know she’s going to talk to him because meet-cute-apocalypto-style, so let’s get to it. Also, it would be action, something this desperately needs. It’s navel-gazey as it is. It would also be fun to have him recognize her and underestimate her because of that, but hey–you do you.
I agree with the others–don’t cheapen her new hard-scrabble life with insta-teenage-lust when most men are assaulting women with glee. It’s just a little gross, and makes her seem silly under the circumstances. Maybe you could have her contemplate the old life when a girl could look at a man with sexual interest, but now it’s just wariness. That must be horrifyingly exhausting–show us. Shit, it’s exhausting enough being a woman in the current world.
Your writing is nice and smooth–a typo here and there that could be caught by printing the MS and reading it aloud to yourself. That’s my favorite way to do a final proof. Good luck!
I think you have something potentially interesting here, but it needs a little work.
I was on board with the insta-lust for the first few paragraphs – I’m not always a fan, but it fit with the world building imo. But it went on way too long – too much internal lusting and worrying, not enough action. I got the tension between “omg hot” and “what if he’s dangerous?” the first time she thought about it.
I’ll also mention that I was confused by the mention of Jason – and it didn’t occur to me that he might be a dog.
This is something I would read, paced a little bit faster. Not necessarily the plot, but at least what’s happening on the page, if that makes sense?
I will admit I don’t like insta-lust (and know folks who do) but there is a lot to be said about the emotional journey of two people starting to trust each other — without any lust involved. Maybe it’s just because I love that sort of progression, but the idea of guarded allies-due-to-circumstance becoming closer and starting to respect, trust, and start to love each other gives me warm fuzzies like you wouldn’t believe. The funny thing is, I could absolutely see people in that situation blowing off steam and sexual frustration fairly early on if you feel like you need to have that sooner in the book rather than later!
I do know that when packing for the apocalypse (or y’know, emergencies) I don’t keep room in my bag for sex toys. Maybe that’s my priorities! I’d also be saving the batteries for things like flashlights, it gets DARK when the lights go out, but I don’t know just how deep into the end of the world this is meant to be, if people can still drive, especially gas-guzzlers that need a ton of maintenance (although the hero being an idiot enough to be driving a cherry red car of his dreams and getting shot at for being such a huge target would be fun).
Anyhow, I enjoy the idea, I’d like to know more and read on — this is one of my favourite genres, but I want good science/worldbuilding and level-headed characters, or the setting just rings false to me.
Good luck and thank you for submitting!
The writing flows nicely. I agree with the other comments though that her thoughts going immediately to sex is a bit offputting. She basically says she’d sleep with him if he’s a straight man, so after that his attractiveness or otherwise seems beyond the point. It would seem more logical to me if her first thoughts were fright that he might attack her, then she gets a good look at him, then she starts contemplating sleeping with him, rather than the other way round. (I was also confused about Jason- I guessed either dog or brother, but if so you need to say that.)