First Page: Love & Jealousy – Historical
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Robert stirred noisily as he made the gradual transition from sleep to wakefulness. He became aware of the body lying at his side.
The pain in his head, the dryness in his throat and the foul taste in his mouth all served as reminders of the evening he had spent carousing in the stews of Dublin.
Sensing he was awake, the girl at his side opened her eyes the smallest amount and tried to guess his mood. She could still feel the bruises he had inflicted on her the previous night. Robert Rochfort was a frequent visitor to the bawdy-house where she lived and was too important a man for Mrs. Gleeson to refuse. At least she should get a shilling for her night’s work – and work it was; the girls all knew him as a man with cruel tastes. All she wanted was to get back to the house, and clean herself, and check that any marks left were small and would fade soon.
In the depths of the house, a clock struck the hour. 11 o’clock and the morning light was streaming through the gaps in the curtains. One of the sun’s rays fell upon Robert’s face and caused him to stir again. He sat up, and turned to the girl, who cowered away from him. The sound of the door opening saved her from any further pain, bruises and distress. Robert’s valet entered the room carrying a tray.
Robert turned to him as he entered the door, and gestured towards the girl. “Get rid of this!” Steele, the valet, knew better than to express any opinion or to argue. He had been his Robert’s valet for over a year now and knew only too well of his Lordship’s violent mood swings. He also knew how to handle master’s more unusual physical requirements. Steele caught the girls eye, and she leapt out of bed as fast as she felt able, grabbed hold of her dress and fled the room. The other girls had warned her that Steele would make sure she dressed. He would also reward her with a shilling before being showing her out via the servant’s entrance.
Steele placed the tray down on a small table and surveyed his master, sprawled in bed. His nose curled in distaste as he poured the coffee. Once prepared he left the steaming cup so Robert could see it and withdrew without making a sound. He had the girl to check and pay, and he had to make sure she was not hurt or marked. Such things would be bad for Roberts reputation, and, as such could affect the whole family, servants and all. Failing to look after his master would, he knew, also reflect on him.
Robert swung his legs over the side of the bed and walked over to the table with his coffee, his head screaming out at him in pain. He was sure this was not just the amount of wine he had drunk? The porter, perhaps, they had supped at the Brazen Head. His memory of the previous evening’s events was still hazy. At this stage, he had no recollection of the girl he had slept with. He couldn’t have picked her out from among a rank of her fellows.
It feels very distant. I actually don’t mind head-hopping, but a lot of readers do and this hops all over the place, even into the valet’s head. It makes it hard to really feel the scene from any character’s perspective.
Also, the writing is a bit monotonous. Simple things like changing up sentence length would help a lot.
The fundamental problem with the page for me is that it doesn’t entice me to read on. A rather unpleasant man wakes up hungover. There’s nothing to make me turn the page.
Sorry to seem harsh.
Good luck.
@Ros: Interesting. Actually, its all in Third Party viewpoint.
@Marianne McA:
Thanks. It IS only page 1, and he IS the villain (and yes he is distinctly unpleasent).
He is a historical figure, BTW – and my 5 x gt Grandfather.
LOL. I don’t know that I’d like to immortalise my ancestor as a villain.
Page 1 is all we have to go on, here.
@Marianne McA: I do hope its not a recursive gene!
I couldn’t handle the head hopping. I wouldn’t continue reading because of it. It feels like you, the author, are telling me about too many characters. Maybe you could instead make this a scene between Robert and Steele only? We understand the girl’s insignificance to them by how they treat her, not by being in her thoughts. No need to be in her thoughts anyway because she’s not a main character, right? Actually, you could have this all from Steele’s pov. You could start with dialogue, with Steele opening the curtains, and throwing out a cutting, passive agressive remark to Robert. All of this scene could be flipped to interesting dialogue between Steele and Robert. That way you draw the reader in by creating real characters, which would make this scene more vibrant. I will then hear the characters voices, not the author’s voice telling me about the characters.
Thank you so much for posting. This was interesting. Good luck with your revisions.
We spend nearly equal time in Robert’s, the girl’s, and Steele’s heads. As a reader I’m looking for a character to connect to, whether good or bad. But by the end of the page I have no idea who is important.
I agree with Marianne, he’s so unpleasant that I can’t see wanting to carry on if he’s the protagonist. Maybe the whole thing from the valet’s perspective? That could be interesting.
I found it a bit overwritten in parts- e.g. ‘he made the gradual transition from sleep to wakefulness’. ‘He woke up’, then.
I also wondered why he let the prostitute spend the night? Why didn’t he send her home after they had sex?
I haven’t much to add to the other feedback, since I also find head hopping to be so confusing that I wouldn’t persevere past page one.
However, starting with the villain is an interesting idea; I think calling it the Prologue, rather than Chapter 1, would be helpful for the reader, who might otherwise imagine that your great grandfather x 5 is supposed to be the hero, and stop reading immediately.
Finally, I don’t want to nitpick but people’s noses don’t curl under any circumstances other than being hit with a blunt object; ‘lips curled in distaste’ would work in that context. Good Luck!
@John Jackson:
Yes, it’s all third person POV, but it’s close third, with three different characters providing the “close” on one page. Google “headhopping”. I’m with Ros – I don’t automatically hate headhopping, but in this case I think it contributed to the feeling of distance from the characters. I don’t care about any of these people, and in romance (assuming that’s what this is meant to be) caring about characters is a pretty important feature of the genre. I know you’ve only given us one page, but it IS possible to make readers care about characters in just a few lines, if done well.
Other than that? Opening with the villain? I’m not sure if it works for me. The old “start your story where your story starts” line comes to mind. Is this going to be the villain’s story?
I’m not sure if you meant this to be a romance or not – if I were reading this as a romance, I don’t think I’d read on. If it were straight-up historical fiction? I don’t know. It would have to be a hell of a good blurb, I think!
Hello Author/John
Yes, by all means start with the villain, if this is historical fiction. But this reads more as a historical romance imho. So unless the girl is a lead character, or his valet Steele, or even if you plan on redeeming your villain, as a reader I need a bit more.
You’re almost there in terms of writing, so imho you have skill. But even though there are three people in this scene, I have no idea what they look like. Maybe have the girl describe Robert as he sleeps (please, give her a name. It was uncomfortable reading about her being used and ordered out, after I’m in her head. If she’s not a major character, then I don’t want to be in her head. but right now I’m drawn to her plight than Robert’s sour ass).
Perhaps she can let the reader know that he either looked like he’d be a brute, or that he seemed so non-threatening at first. Tell us about his features, hair color, etc through her eyes (but don’t go overboard). You can have Steele, the valet do it if you don’t want the girl to describe Robert. But I’m gonna guess and say Robert is one of the male leads. If he isn’t, then I hope you’ll introduce the primary leads fairly quickly. With a valet named “Steele” he seems like a likely choice.
I wish you all the best with this, and if you have a short blurb about the premise, that would help also. If this is a M/M romance, I’d like to know that too (I don’t know why I’m getting that vibe, I just am. I’m a fan!)
Thanks everyone. It is more historic fiction than an out-and-out historical romance. I’m going to lose the girl. She doesn’t come back anyway. Steele is around as a supporting character all the way – but no more than that.
Its a straight M-F as far as the romance goes.
I’m at 75k words at the mo – out of abt 100k. I’m looking to finish the first draft/narrative line in another month, and then I’ve got 2 months for re-writes.refrafts before I need to submit it.
Yay. First page is back. (I’ll be back when I more time to write a more useful comment on the piece).
@John Jackson: It’s not, though. I love reading books written using an omniscient narrator but this isn’t that. At the moment it is written from a succession of different points of view. Look at these sentences:
“At least she should get a shilling for her night’s work – and work it was; the girls all knew him as a man with cruel tastes. All she wanted was to get back to the house, and clean herself, and check that any marks left were small and would fade soon.” That’s got to be from the girl’s point of view.
“Failing to look after his master would, he knew, also reflect on him.” That ‘he knew’ clearly signals that this is from the valet’s point of view, not a third party narrator.
“He was sure this was not just the amount of wine he had drunk?” The grammar in this sentence needs sorting out, but again, the point of view is unambiguously Robert’s.
Omniscient point of view is one of the hardest to pull off, and it’s not at all common in the romance genre because it naturally distances readers from the characters. I’d rethink that choice if I were you. Try rewriting this scene (still in 3rd person) from Robert’s point of view throughout. Get us deep into his head and make us feel things from his perspective. Then we’ll be more likely to start caring about him.
Hi John,
Thanks for the clarification. So is the title “Love & Jealousy” a working title? Because if you leave it at that, you may confuse some readers (l admit, I thought this was a historical romance based on the title and reading your first page).
I’m going to go out on a limb and say that I don’t think this is where your story begins, as historical fiction. What’s the year? Who’s in power? Sitting on the throne, elected to office, etc. Grounding this in a definite time period (at the beginning) would help, imo.
You may want to check out major authors in the historical genre who also write this time period. It always helps to find out what the top authors are doing (at least that’s my theory). Please understand, I’m just saying its good to know what’s being done and what has been done, but by all means, be yourself.
Again, I wish you all the best with this, and I hope you either have a website (or will think about having one) or you’ll come back here to give an update on your manuscript.
Hi Author and thanks for sharing:
Nothing really to add except when you Google head-hopping, look for something that also explains third-person omniscient, because I get a sense that’s really what you were aiming for, but didn’t quite achieve. If you’re writing third-person omni, you can having him stirring noisily, because the narrator is telling us how he stirred. But if it’s third-person close (which this is), then Robert (who is making the transition from sleep to wakefulness) probably wouldn’t be aware of how noisy he is. It’s the nameless girl who is really aware of how he wakes.
You have a few missing punctuation marks: girls eye; Roberts reputation. Those need apostrophes; they are possessive. As far as that nose….nostrils move; they flare or contract. Upper lips curl, mouths purse, or pinch. Noses wiggle (I’m being looked at strangely by family as I cross my eyes and contemplate my nose) but I don’t think they curl. I know what you mean, but your description is not quite on the nose. It could be better, I think.
I am intrigued by how horrible your MC is, and I might possibly read on, given a blurb to guide me a bit. If this is a romance, you do risk alienating readers by starting with someone who’s not the hero, but hey, who knows until it’s submitted and someone tells you otherwise. I’d say go with your gut, and whatever feedback you get from beta readers.
I had a sense the girl was a throwaway character…if Robert can’t be bothered to remember her name, that means you didn’t bother to give her one when you wrote the character. Nameless working girls don’t usually hang around much after their one scene.
Which brings me back to the POV issue, and I’m shaking my head. I really don’t think I want to read an entire 100k story written somewhere between third-person close and third-person omniscient. Right now it is head-hopping, and if every throw away character has a say, then it’s going to get very confusing, very quickly.
I’d like to read a blurb, if you have one. And congrats on writing the better part of a novel already, with a hefty word count as a goal.
I agree. Start with one of the main protagonists. A story should be hook, hook, hook, and there isn’t one on this page to persuade the reader to read on. An unpleasant bully wakes up with a prostitute he has just abused. I wouldn’t read on.
The head-hopping is the worst error. It isn’t omnipotent. Omnipotent is usually when a narrator takes charge, and there is no consistent narrator in this piece. Read the first page of “Pride and Prejudice,” or “Bleak House.” That’s omnipotent. For a more recent book that starts with an initially dislikeable character, try “Flowers From The Storm.”
It is head-hopping, because you are describing each person’s thoughts, as well as what they’re doing. You really need to sort that out. Try writing the scene from one person’s point of view, maybe even using the first person.
I usually start my historicals with a simple scene-setter, for example, “London, May 1755.” It grounds the story, and it’s not intrusive.
I agree with the other commenters on POV. I have a small piece of technical advice, something I’ve picked up on from judging many contests, and it fits with the POV issues.
On this page you overuse names, a very common problem I see in beginning writers in writing contests.
On this page you use “Robert” nine times, and you begin three paragraphs with “Robert”. Well, if the reader (and that means the author as you write) was solidly in Robert’s POV, rather than headhopping, the use of “Robert” so many times would not be necessary.
You use the phrase “Robert’s valet” twice. Robert thinks of his valet as “his valet”. I’m sure when you look at your car or your dog, you do not think “John’s car”, you think “my car” … the equivalent in third person is “his car.” Only a DIFFERENT character would think of the valet as Robert’s valet. Robert would always, always think “his valet”.
One very good reason to go close third – called “deep POV” – is to eliminate all this over-naming. It breaks the narrative flow in the reader’s head. Pick a few good books and really examine how often they use names – count names per page – you’ll see that unless there is a multi-way discussion going on, they don’t use one character’s name 9 times on a page.
Getting POV nailed down has a lot of ripple effects in the quality of writing.
I frequently recommend reading author Joanna Bourne’s tips for writers (on her website). You could learn a lot from her very clear, very well explained discussions of point of view and deep point of view. It is some of the best help out there on the internet.
Good luck – POV is an advanced writing topic, but it’s what sucks readers deeper. There is no identification with character unless POV works.
I think the writing flows well and that you have something interesting here, but it needs some tightening.
I agree with a lot of the other comments. Since this is historical fiction instead of historical romance, I’m more ok with starting with the villian’s actions. (I’d advise against it in romance). The thing I’ll add is to think about your contract with the audience – starting with the villain sets my expectations in a very different way than starting with one of protagonists. I usually expect a book to be darker, more violent if it opens with someone horrible, even if they’re not doing anything horrible yet.
Good luck.
Not much happens on this page, but it could be an useful lesson in how to avoid head-hopping:
Robert groaned as he made the gradual transition from sleep to wakefulness. The pain in his head, the dryness in his throat and the foul taste in his mouth all served as reminders of the evening he had spent carousing in the stews of Dublin, as did girl lying at his side. One the girls from Mrs. Gleeson’s bawdy house, he guessed. (some assessment of looks) He’d have his valet send her off with a shilling.
He sat up and the girl shrank from him, throwing up bruised arms to cover her face, dropping them as the door opened and his valet entered the room carrying a tray.
So, that’s one head gone, without a loss of information.
That said, nothing happens on this page, there’s no goal, motivation or conflict. All we have to look forward to on page 2 is hearing about Robert’s hangover. Given that I dislike him and Steele, I wouldn’t turn the page.