First Page: Deep, Dark, Truthful Mirror
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Ramones blared from massive speakers, and sticky-sweet funk assaulted Declan’s nostrils. Edgy drunks packed Rubber Room’s floor. He scanned again. Still no Thad. Where the hell was he? Dec didn’t have time to screw around. After three days of detox, the reaper crawled under his skin, itching to snuff out life. Dope hadn’t kicked the killing jones. He needed enough to kill it–and himself–or he’d stand over another corpse soon.
The damned stink coated the back of his throat. Opening his mouth, he gagged on death. Most of the thugs surrounding him carried the same mark: two months, and they’d drop in a massacre. Dumps like this were beacons for the doomed. He ought to know.
He squinted at smoke-clogged haze, weaving through a living guidebook of social disorders. When he entered the crush around the bar, a pair of imminent tragedies angled for position. Spotlights bathed them in blood crimson, the universe’s cruel in-joke. They still had the fresh faces they’d brought to Hollywood, but their eyes matched the reaper perfume, stone dead.
The brunette wobbled on her heels, wearing a familiar grimace. “Didn’t you used’ta be that singer?”
Dec didn’t even flinch at pity anymore.
“You have an impressive grasp of specifics.” He couldn’t spare the energy to play twenty embarrassing questions.
“Supposta be bigger’n Guns N’ Roses.” She slurred the accusation, a finger circling at her temple. “Guess not.”
The ginger shrugged an apology. “She’s had a rough day. You won’t complain, will you?”
They were hustlers too. He should’ve known. Civilians didn’t chat up junkies at the ass end of the food chain. Intervention rarely succeeded with working girls, but he had to try. They were kids, charging toward a bad end. Besides, he needed all the good karma he could get.
“Both of you should get out now and never look back.”
“I’m sure you mean well.” Ginger called bullshit nicely, anyway.
“Usually not, but I have my moments.”
Under the cloying death, she smelled like spring rain. She had an odd energy he couldn’t place, but was too familiar to ignore. He was too preoccupied with the fire ants scuttling over his arms to sort it out. One thing was certain: death would claim her soon, and it’d be ugly.
“Trust me. If you stay, this place’ll kill you.”
The brunette had already lost interest and wandered off toward the trick rooms with the rube on her other side. She was a trooper; he’d give her that. Ginger lingered, but he only had more unwanted advice to leave while she could.
“Please stop. He’d kill my brother,” she whispered, her glance darting around. Her eyes widened, and she made a hasty grab at his junk. “Your lance need a polish, white knight?” she asked, loud enough for everyone nearby to hear.
“Oh, Dec, playing Captain Save-a-whore again?” Thad clamped a beefy paw on the back of his neck. If bad timing had ranks, the bastard would qualify as a grand master. “I thought we’d finally cleared this up the last time.”
He had to stay calm. White light burned behind his eyes. The girl looked right at him, but showed no fear. She should’ve been afraid.
“It was nothing.” She failed miserably at sounding nonchalant. “Gloria’s had a few too many, and he was worried she might be in trouble, that’s all.”
Thad didn’t budge. “This is my problem. Sophie here has a brother with an expensive habit, so I have a hard time believing she can’t tell a useless junkie from a real person. As a man in my position, how do I respond to my property lying to me like a fucking rube?”
Conscience demanded he make the call, because conscience was an unhelpful asshole.
There’s a lot that’s interesting here, but it was hidden under a lot of confusing verbiage. One or two unique turns of phrase is good, grabs attention, but for me, at least, there were so much poetry that I struggled to understand what was going on.
Dec’s 3 days out of detox. Is he at the Rubber room because he’s going back to drugs? Is this some kind of paranormal with a zombie apocalypse targeting clubs like the rubber room? What is your world? I don’t know.
Take, for example, “a pair of imminent tragedies angled for position,” When you mentioned “the brunette,” I felt like she came out of nowhere. “The ginger” made me go back to figure out what I missed.
So, would I read on? No. Too much work. Like Wolf Hall. (meaning if you got rave literary reviews and won the Man Booker, I’d struggle through this).
But, as I said, there’s a lot to like here. If you dial it back and have a bit less poetry and a bit more real description, I might not only read on, but read on enthusiastically.
I have no idea what is going on here, which is fabulous! I hate info dumps. I want an author to assume I am smart enough to figure things out as the story unfolds. This would keep me reading. Is this m/m? is Thad a love interest? So many questions. Well done!
I’m with SAO: I had to reread twice to get any idea what was happening – and while I’m now somewhat interested, in real life I’m not going to buy a book with such a confusing first page.
Specific quibble – you’ve music blaring, he’s in the crush round the bar, he’s far enough from Sophie to see her eye movements (so she’s not speaking into his ear) and yet he hears her whisper. That might be part of his special powers, but if so, it might be worth making that clear to the reader.
I do think the page has potential.
Good luck.
I enjoyed untangling the poetry, love your hero’s voice. I don’t know if I’d have the energy to read an entire book in this style, however. As mentioned above, perhaps cut back on the poetic turns of phrase. I, too, wondered where the ginger came from and went back.
So my main comment here is a confusion of voice. It seems like you want us to believe that the character lives within this dark and impoverished world, and yet he constantly points out the poverty and darkness of the place as if he were an outsider. I think there’s a bit too much telling, not enough showing. “weaving through a living guidebook of social disorders. When he entered the crush around the bar, a pair of imminent tragedies angled for position.” Sentences like this pull me away from the story, like you’re showing off and being grandiose in some way, and that detracts from the voice. I’d whittle down some of the more look-this-is-writing type sentences. On the other hand, some of them shine in the dark. I’d begin by thinking critically about what your character knows or does not know, what he would or would not comment upon. Don’t let the trappings of sentences get in the way of your story, otherwise interesting. I’d just ask, make it even quicker. Leap into the story full-force. Leave us bewildered.
Otherwise, the dialogue is a little too on-the-nose. It’s difficult to explain what I mean, but there’s this linguistic obfuscation of the story. You cannot allow the audience to pick out the scaffolding of each sentence. It’s got to flow a bit smoother.
Otherwise, I’d be interesting and read on. The style might or might grow on me, depending on how I’m feeling that day. I’d just like a more defined voice. Are we being sophisticated or are we being bums? Concern yourself with not only the language of the characters but also their worldview.
Good luck on the story.
I agree with everything everyone else said. I really, really like your voice and your choice of language- well done. But yeah, I had to reread the first line to understand it- not good. And it continued on that way, I felt like I had to pause to translate through the whole scene, and at the end I was still a bit confused. Sometimes an author can get carried away by the fancy to the point they forget to be clear for the reader…
Derek Berry nailed how I feel about this piece, along with SAO’s comment, and specifically Michele’s mention of feeling as though the scene needs translation. I like difficult stories, but I don’t know if I have the energy to read an entire book that reads like this first page.
That said, I read this a 5:00 a.m., and parts of it are still surfacing in my head. So you have something here, something good, IMO. But the grandiose (to use Derek’s accurate word) style gets in the way. Tell us the story; don’t tell us you know how to construct sentences.
Am I the only one who wasn’t confused? I was taking all the passages others decscribed as “overly poetic” as literal statements of fact.
In my reading, Declan is some sort of Grim Reaper / Death Angel / Psychopomp character, who can “read” when and how someone is going to die. He gets some sort of charge from imminent violence and tragedy, and has turned to drugs to dull the sensation; but after becoming addicted to the drugs, he went to detox, and is now having to cope with sensory assault of his powers again. He tries to save the prostitutes from the death he knows is awaiting them, even though he knows it’s futile.
I’m not sure how Thad fits into the picture (maybe Declan’s employer?) or if he knows about Dec’s paranormal nature; nor do I have any clue about impending romance (if any), but I am absolutely hooked by the set up, the character, and the voice, and would definitely read on.
Of course, if my interpretation is way off base, then I’m as confused as everybody else.
Not a 100% sure as to what’s going on (I’m assuming paranormal romance) but I’m definitely intrigued and would read on. Good stuff!
I agree with SAO. I had to read this twice and I’m still not sure what’s going on. I love the voice, but it’s too confusing.
@hapax:
I’m with Hapax, though it seemed to me Thad is his dealer and as well as overall low life scum bag and a pimp. Some of the prose was a bit awkward, as others have said, but overall I liked it. This is what frustrates me about First Page though, the book isn’t available for me to read immediately. I hope when you get this finished you’ll have bookmarked this so you can come back and alert those of us who are interested!
This definitely gave me a J.R. Ward vibe.
A couple of quibbles here: unless this is set in the past, you’re not going to find a smoke-filled bar of this type in LA. Smoking in bars has been banned in California for…boy, 20 years? … and the only places that allow smoking were grandfathered in and have a very strong wacky vibe (say the Tiki Ti) or are in Koreatown and are very solidly Korean (as in, half the time the servers only speak Korean). The Ramones also rang false to me if it’s current; they’re pretty mainstream and don’t signify “scary dive bar” to me, which this is clearly supposed to be. Unless this is set in the ’80s, all that kind of threw me out of the story.
I think this is a case of “kill your darlings.” Most of the more picturesque phrases need to be tweaked or cut entirely. The phrases “a living guidebook of social disorders” and “If bad timing had ranks, the bastard would qualify as a grand master,” just for two examples, are both wide of the mark. First one should probably be “a living handbook of personality disorders” – I think the writer is conflating “social disease” and “personality disorder” – and the second one doesn’t quite work because bad timing is a thing while the guy is a person.
I’m intrigued by the story, and I like the interesting phrasings but I think this can be turned into a home-run with some revision.
I really liked this, but I too had to go back and check out meanings. …. this is interesting. We’re all confused and yet really liking it!
I’m assuming he’s a grim reaper who doesn’t want to be and thus takes drugs to avoid seeing the dead future and harvesting souls. Do I win??? Did I get it right? Because I want to know! And if you don’t want to post anonymously, send an answer via Jane!
Yes – if it’s CA/Hollywood – no smoking even in crap dive bars anymore – and if Dec is an American, we don’t usually say ‘ginger’ (that rang British – we say ‘redhead’ more often). If Dec is a British dude washed up on our West Coast, maybe a hint of that would explain why he’s so lyrical and there’s a distinct distance between himself and everyone else.
Liked it a lot. I personally wouldn’t kill many of the darlings – I’d just add a little bit to smooth off the edges and convey explanation, just a little bit. I think the voice is unique and interesting and it’s obviously why we all read it and feel it is compelling – so taking out too much of what you have will undo that!
Good luck. Like this. Don’t change it too much, just clarify a little bit more of the time frame (now, normal world? Or 80s = rock bands and smoking? Or some odd paranormal time/place just a little off kilter from us?). And a little bit more of who Dec is and the problem that sent him to this place at this moment. But I like it.
Author here. Thanks so much for all your helpful feedback!
As I prepped for queries and read through pages to do final checks, the opening stood out, particularly the first 250 words. The rest of the MS reads more like the latter part of the sample. Because I’d entered it into a contest and gotten into the agent round with very nice compliments, I had some concern about whether or not to keep it as is. So I figured y’all would be the best possible bellweather to decide if that section needed to be softened out, and am really relieved to see such a consistent YES. Thanks for the detailed comments that confirmed the biggest issues.
I’m so glad to see such positive reactions to the voice and tone, too. Writing something that borders on noir with a fairly edgy hero makes putting it out there a bit more nerve-wracking, so your response is hugely reassuring.
@Kierney Scott: Having grown up on mysteries, I prefer a story that lets me follow clues and figure things out before major reveals, so try not to give too much away too quickly and spoil the fun for readers who want to solve the riddles. The story isn’t a romance, though romantic issues are a major factor and Dec has PLENTY of sex. His main love interest is male, but (I love this Joan Plowright quote) he bowls both sides of the wicket (as do most of the eternals), so has both male and female lovers.
@Marianne McA: Thanks for the blocking note. It’s reminded me to clarify how that sequence goes down.
@hapax, @Erin Burns, and @Anna Richland: *ding ding ding* You’ve nailed it. Declan is Death, though he doesn’t know it yet. He’s suppressed his divine power since -spoilerific event- in early childhood, and three years prior to the opening of the story -spoilerific event- caused the ability to sense death and the urge to kill to leak out. He’s used drugs to suppress his instincts, but their effectiveness has faded to virtually nil, so he plans to OD before he kills anyone else. Thad is his dealer/pimp, and as Erin also got bang on, a lowlife scumbag.
@Taffygrrl and @Anna Richland: The story takes place in 1992, hence the Ramones and smoking in the Rubber Room, which is modelled after the legendary Burgundy Room (repurposed as a bordello on the down-low and crime syndicate hangout and moved up Hollywood to sit adjacent to the Powerhouse).
@Derek Berry and @Anna Richland: Dec grew up a child of privilege, though exceptionally isolated since his family feared his powers resurfacing, so most of his interaction has been with tutors and psychiatrists. His window to the outside world until he left home was books, old movies, and TV, and he’s a singer/lyricist (also a raging anglophile — thanks Monty Python and British new-ro invasion), so his voice is a touch on the poetic side with hints of old-timey gangster patter and Britishisms. He’s kind of a strange cat defined by contrasts: Trustafarian who hit rock bottom and kept digging, self-made outsider who desperately wants to belong, romantic with massive trust and intimacy issues, and Grim Reaper who’d rather die than kill.
Thanks again, everyone! I’ve bookmarked this page, so that once the story gets into print *crossing everything*, I can pop back in and give y’all a heads up.
@Mich: WHOOHOO! I adore winning.