REVIEW: Words On Candy Hearts by Augusta Reilly
“There are two kinds of men,” Mom said. “Rich bastards and poor bastards. Neither will give a crap about your brains or personality, so go for the one with the money.”
Beautiful PhD student Clara Zapata has never subscribed to the theory that the only thing men care about is looks, but after getting dumped by her fiancé for gaining weight, she’s starting to think her gold-digging mother is on to something. If men are going to treat her like a trophy, why shouldn’t she treat them like a credit card?
“There are two kinds of women,” Dad said. “Pretty bitches and ugly bitches. They’ll both be more interested in the divorce settlement than the marriage, so go for the hottie.”
All heir-in-waiting Ian Dunning has ever wanted was the love of a good woman. But after being seduced and abandoned by yet another gold digger, he’s beginning to lose hope of ever finding real love. If all women will ever want him for is his money, why shouldn’t he just chase after the ones with the biggest boobs and the fewest brain cells?
What happens when this cynical son of a billionaire gets stuck on a disastrous road trip with the jaded daughter of a gold digger? Will Ian and Clara follow in their parents’ footsteps, or will they find true love?
CW – Ian’s dad is a misogynistic asshole, Clara’s mother is a high price sex provider – by choice. Neither of them have high opinions of the opposite sex. Some language here can be … earthy.
You’ve only just met my mom, yet you already understand why every story I tell about my childhood begins with the words I swear to God I’m not making this up.
Dear Ms. Reilly,
Last year I fell in love with “The Phallus in Nature” and vowed to myself that it would not be the last book of yours I read. Took me a while to make good on that but let me say I had almost as much fun with “Words on Candy Hearts.” I miss Jeff, though.
I wasn’t sure which was more offensive, my mother referring to Tyler as a “worthless failure” or to the holy institute of marriage as “a viable secondary source of income.”
“I loved Tyler for Tyler,” I said. “I didn’t care about his money.”
“How could you?” Mom said. “There wasn’t any money to care about.”
Clara and Ian ought never to have met each other. And for the longest time, they both fervently wish they hadn’t. Both are in NYC to meet their only surviving parent and, as a way to get her daughter over a broken heart, Clara’s mother has dressed her up in skin tight clothes and fishnet stockings because Clara needs to get laid. What Clara gets is drunk enough to mistake Ian’s car for hers where she passes out for the night. A fuming Ian sits the night out in the passenger seat then snarls a bit to get Clara out and finally resorts to paying her to leave. Fate has other plans for them and soon they’re off on a road trip to CT, then back to NYC, as they realize that Fate is a fickle bitch with a wicked sense of humor. Can they find their way past their differences?
The plot depends on some things that I just mentally hand waved away such as Ian leaving his car unlocked in NYC and no one stealing it. It’s a used Toyota but still … Both Clara and Ian come from dysfunctional homes. Ian’s father is a self made billionaire with a low opinion of women. Clara’s mother is still stunning at age 49 but she’s learned through bad experiences that it’s better to have rich men for clients than to have to marry the jerks and pretend to love them to eventually get alimony. Their viewpoints have colored the life opinions of their children.
But wait, there are other organic things baked into the plot to account for both Clara and Ian not trusting the other sex. Then organic things happen as the story progresses which would allow for their opinions of each other to sink lower. Road travel through NYC traffic doesn’t help either. That hours long journey to Connecticut and back does allow for them to talk a little – though on the way there Clara angrily ordered Ian to shut up which he did until he needed to give her street directions to his house but he asked for permission to speak before he did.
“About what?”
“Your heath? Your safety?”
“Not really,” she said. “I take all the necessary precautions, and I always use plenty of hand sanitizer when I’m performing fieldwork.”
Performing fieldwork. Interesting euphemism. “But is that really enough?” I said. “I mean, with all the germs and diseases out there?”
Once they’re speaking again though, they do talk and get to know each other. One of the other “things to accept” is that this romance blossoms over the course of 24 hours. They discover that they’re being more honest with each other than they’ve been with almost anyone else. The conversation they had about why Clara chose her career path had me laughing out loud several times. I’d quote the whole thing but some sections just have to be experienced to fully appreciate them.
“That’s ‘Bunny Lovemuffin’ to you!”
Still I have to warn readers that there are some misunderstandings in the book beyond just what Clara does for a living. Ian has been stalked for his inheritance enough that he’s leery of telling anyone who doesn’t know (Clara) who he really is. Meanwhile Clara’s been taught by her mother that men only want the prettiest woman and once a woman loses her looks, she’ll be tossed aside. They both have past experiences of their own to back these feelings up. Yet when these things are confessed, the confessee shows the confessor a possible different side to look at.
This is one thing I really enjoyed about the story. The talking and the opportunity for Ian and Clara to think about stuff they’ve believed for years and view these in a different light. However, back to a few real issues. The way they’ve been brought up and interacted with their parents and experienced dating and love themselves plays into the stereotypes the other has. Their relationship roadblocks aren’t overblown third act breakups but things that are organic to them.
“I didn’t mean all women. I just meant that there are women out there who only go after men for their money.”
“And what if you put the shoe on the other foot? Do you think there are men out there who only go after women for their looks?”
Thanks to Dad, it was the easiest question I’d been asked in ten years. “Yes,” I said. “No question.”
I was pulling for these two to reach a middle ground of understanding. For them to listen to what the other person had been through and seen. To see through that person’s eyes. Things were looking good, then there’d be something that organically came up. But that was dealt with … until another thing (again organically) appeared. But with the page count dwindling I began gnawing on a fingernail and muttering under my breath, this is going to work out, right? Right??
And yet here I was, unmistakably smitten. And about two heartbeats away from killing us both in a distracted driving incident.
Yeah, this HEA was down to the wire. And yet, the Final Understanding scene was lovely as well as proving to Ian that he does need hearing aids. What the mothers said, though, is the key – “In that case, I think you should be honest with him.” and “You are worth loving.” B+
~Jayne
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After reading your review of “The Phallus in Nature” last year, Jayne, I read this book first. (Perhaps it was already on my Kindle?) I enjoyed it and described it as pretty entertaining albeit farfetched. I went on to read TPiN and enjoyed that book, too.
@Kareni: I knew someone had read this and thought it was you. This one is still available through KU so maybe you had it that way? Now I need to get the last book Reilly has out and cross my fingers that she’ll publish more.
I’ve never had KU, Jayne, so it was not that. I look forward to hearing your thoughts on that third book!
I’m not KU either, but, I’ve read/own both TPiN and WoCH, loved them both. After checking the previous review, I remembered there’s a third book. Now I have to look for that. Thanks, Jayne.
I thought this book was great!
TPIN, on the other hand, is definitely one of the strangest books I recall reading. I don’t know which I read first but had no idea they share the same author.
@LML: TPiN is weird but I still loved it. Sometimes kooky weird just works well for me.