REVIEW: Holy Crap! The World is Ending! by Anna-Marie Abell
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End Times Are Here!
Now you can eat whatever you want and not care if you gain weight.
The president has announced that Earth is going to collide with a rogue moon, and in the process, our entire planet is going to be smashed to bits. As one would expect, upon hearing this news, humans went ballistic. It was as if every sports team in the world lost their championship game at the same time. No car was left unrolled—but oddly enough, Taco Bell remained open and made unfathomable profits in the last days. Apparently, Doritos Locos® Tacos were a popular last meal.
Autumn (who for the purpose of this retelling asked to be portrayed as drool-inducing hot with kick-ass ninja skills) has just been handed the task of saving all of humanity. With the help of her unbelievably sexy alien boyfriend and her kleptomaniac friend with fire-retardant hair, Autumn takes a spaceship and races to save her fellow humans by using the Ark of the Covenant. Along the way, she discovers how sheltered people are from the truth of extraterrestrials and their power to either protect us or destroy us.
Stupid government.
Grab a bottle of wine, a shipload of snacks, and prepare to take a ride on this humorous chick lit romantic sci-fi paranormal adventure. If you’re into Ancient Aliens, conspiracy theories, UFOs, crave a little sexy time in your reading, are curious if we were genetically engineered (like the Sumerian cuneiform texts claim), and are dying to find out the meaning of life, then this book is for you.
Dear Ms. Abell,
How could I resist a cover which features a cartoon cow being beamed aboard a spaceship? Answer – I couldn’t. After reading the excerpt featuring our intrepid heroine enduring a hilarious trip to Barnes and Noble then eating her way through enough junk food to sink a battleship, I had to know What Happens Next.
Holy Crap the world is ending for Autumn and the rest of humanity as time is running out due to an otherworldly moon which is going to smash the hell out of all of us. In the mother of all government conspiracies, knowledge has been withheld from us until the last minute which basically guarantees that when humans find out, they’re going to flip out. Is there any hope for us? Maybe, if Autumn and her rag tag band of human and alien allies can overcome other aliens determined to enjoy a ringside seat view of the Earth and all its pesky creatures dying in fire, brimstone, meteors, earthquakes, tidal waves, volcanic eruptions and basically any other catastrophic event known to us. But if we can unite, reach out to each other in brotherly love and stop acting like assholes – we might just survive.
There is a lot I enjoyed about this book. The chapter titles alone are worth the price of admission.
SALTY STICKS OF HEAVEN, A HAIRY DIPSTICK, FLAMING CATS, AND ECSTASY-INDUCING ABS
ASSLESS CHAPS, ALASKAN YETIS, SEXY ROADKILL, AND EXOTIC MATING DANCES
ALIEN TURN SIGNALS, DARWIN’S FACELIFT, SEXY TOES, AND THE GRILLED CHEESE COMMANDMENTS
The thought of pigging out on every calorie laden goodie which you crave but deny yourself and not having to worry about the consequences is a wonderful daydream. Autumn – and just about every other character – has a snarky sense of humor. The book is funny and it’s obvious that a lot of thought has gone into it along with research on ancient aliens.
There is also a lot that I didn’t like. At various times in the narrative, clunky info dumps of information get dropped in which slo-mo’d things down. Intricate plotting to back Our Saviors into tight corners is then obliterated by the sudden introduction of alien tech and gizmos which whisk away those pesky problems. There is also a horrific chapter when humans first start going bat shit crazy which will TRIGGER any rape survivors.
The book has Fated Mates, a virgin orgasm that could rock a planet out of its orbit, our heroine being The One destined by prophecy and a truly annoying alien with a penchant for post-it notes. I read it from the viewpoint of not believing in aliens or ancient visitations but YMMV. In the end, there was a little too much snark during the End of Days moments which got dragged out way too long. Just save the world already, Autumn. Is there supposed to be more to come in another book? I think so but this one will do me. B-
~Jayne
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