The names weren’t a hit with me. Someone upthread made the Bren/Burt Reynolds association (I think Burt R is really skeevy). “Bren” strikes me as a female name – if his name is Brendan, maybe have Riley refer to him by his full name the first time? “Riley Dare” is a little TOO stereotypically spunky for me.

The title doesn’t resonate for me. I don’t know anything about possums so my initial association is roadkill. With no back cover blurb to describe the story, I don’t think I’d pick it up.

In the first three paragraphs, it seemed to me that Riley’s smile took a REALLY long time to freeze on her lips. First, Bren talks. Then Riley positions figurines. Then her smile freezes. I noticed that Bren seemed to grin a lot – it bugged me a little.

I don’t think it’s realistic that Bren wouldn’t remember at least Riley’s NAME if they sat close to each other senior year in high school. With a last name like “Dare” I imagine she’d be an occasional recipient of lewd “dare” jokes from her male classmates? But if he didn’t remember her, how could she be a joke to him too?

My interest was lost at the Gandalf bit. It wasn’t clear to me why Riley was so pissed off at Bren, so the action she seemed about to take struck me as extreme, and not appropriately motivated.

I enjoyed Riley’s sense of humor but agree with others that the writing, while good, is very densely packed and could benefit from some editing/simplification.

This quibble isn’t accurate. “Opossum” and “possum” are both correct in US and Canadian English for the marsupials of the order Didelphimorphia; “possum” is more colloquial than “opossum”, but it’s not incorrect. (And the word “Opossum” is pronounced “Uh-poss-um”, not “poss-um”–it’s an Anglicization of an Algonkian word.)

And, as others have said, it’s always “possum” in Australia and New Zealand, where it refers to the marsupials of the order Diprodontia. That said, it’s pretty clear that a gift shop with Bigfoot T-shirts and figures of Gandalf is somewhere in North America.

Speaking of clarity, I found this very difficult to follow. The gender-neutral names probably aren’t a good idea if you want to sell this to HQ–”Bren” is most familiar to me as a) a nickname for “Brenda” and b) a gun, and if it’s a nickname for “Brendan” I’d suggest changing it because it took me a while.

The heroine seems demented, not feisty, with the amount of backstory we’ve got here. Fill in more or tone her down: either “she’d never forget that day he humiliated her in front of the whole school, and now he was back for more of the same” or something that doesn’t imply she holds minor grudges for 10+ years.

The gift shop stuff struck me as funny, too, and I’d love to see a pared-down version of this.

A possum is also an Australian marsupial.

Guess what? The USA is not the only country on the planet. Try to get out more before you accuse someone of ignorance – you only display your own.

Loved the shop, not so much the names and would like to read more.

I hope to see it in a bookstore soon cause I was quite disappointed when the sample ended.

The title. I know that dictionary.com says “Possum” is generally accepted as correct, but it’s not correct. “Possum” is spelled with a silent O at the beginning. Opossum. It’s just bugging the snot out of me to see it missing.

On the awkward phrasing, I must agree that the offering is littered with them, however, it is still an eye catching piece and I would continue to read on. That is, if I can get over the annoyance that the title stirs in me.

I like the way the first page set the tone. It gives the reader an idea what the story is about immediately and leaves enough out to make me want to turn the page to find out more. I enjoyed the heroine’s voice, even though I have to wonder what the hero could have done to set off a ten year grudge. But you didn’t go overboard with the wrath/angst (not yet, anyway), so again, no problem there.

There was some awkward phrasing of sentences but it didn’t stop me from continuing. Revision/polishing will correct those problems. I also love the title!

For me, your first page succeeded in hooking me in. Good luck!

The name Riley is masculine, yet that is the heroine. The name Bren is feminine, yet that is the hero.

The hero is trying to make a joke about “size” with a bigfoot t-shirt in a kitsch shop, and the heroine is really really mad at him for some unknown reason, but all I got out of it is that the hero has an immature sense of humor if he thinks making jokes about “size” makes him seem sexy. That seems like something a 12 year old would do. Not a man who is going to stand up in a story and make us dizzy because he’s smart and masculine.

I guess I’ve put up with too much immature humor from my brothers.

For what it’s worth, the thing I did think was funny was the metal hat, alien conspiracy crazy stuff.

The heroine also struck me as immature. At ten years past high school, I had trouble naming class mates, and certainly didn’t feel angry to the point of throwing things about any of my high school drama. A character that is still hung up on high school, always strikes me as immature, and I just can’t relate.

My bottom line impression is that these characters came off as too immature for me to relate to, and I’m barely over thirty, so not too far off these character’s ages. Granted, I’m not a huge contemporary reader, but if I’m going to pick one up, the characters have to be real to me.

These ones struck me as caricatures.

I’m sorry, but that’s what I see.

I did like the shop, I think that could be a really fun setting. I like that there’s an air of kookiness, and I think if you stuck with it, you could really do something awesome. My advice would be to work on characterization and conflict so they don’t seem artificial, bolster your strength, which is your setting and contemporary world building, then work on writing clear and concise.

Good luck.

I liked the title too, but my image of a possum is probably different since I’m in Australia.

I’ll admit I’m not a big fan of heroines with ambiguously gendered names, so I’m with others on the name change suggestion. Yes there were some over-worked sentences, but they will tighten up with more editing.

I really liked your heroine’s voice and would read further just on the strength of that though. The notion of her eclectic and slightly eccentric shop pulled me in just as strongly.
I’m intrigued with the idea that she’s angry with Bren after ten years, but is it about more than the fact that he doesn’t remember her?

I wish you luck with this and thank you for sharing it.

“If this is supposed to be funny, ‘Unless she counted the one guy the week before who’d offered to show her where aliens had implanted a homing device in him.’ it’s not.”

You know what? Not everyone shares the same humor. I found the passage funny (possibly because I reside in the state known for it’s fruits, nuts, and flakes) but it struck a chord in this reader.

I’m not going to offer constructive criticism on your sentence structure, there’s plenty of others who can do it much better than I can. I just wanted to post to let you know I think you are on the right track. Don’t get discouraged.

The Sentences are a bit racy, but the colorful characters made up for it. I suggest, perhaps, cutting up the sentences a little. The title, by the way, is simply wonderful. Very unique!

I sort of like it: I’d read on a little anyway. I’d want to know why she dislikes him so much: as others have said, she seems to be over-reacting to the situation – unless Bren got her sister pregnant, or maliciously ran over her cat, it’s hard to see why she’s so upset with him. (And if there is a real reason, wouldn’t that be the first thing to come to mind? You wouldn’t recall the World history class, you’d be thinking about poor dead Marmaduke.)

But I’d need there to be a good reason for her strong reaction.

that grin he’d once aimed at any female over the age of twelve lighting a face little changed from the near-man who’d come and gone out of her life a decade before

and

She’d only sat in the desk ahead of him in World History for all four of the months they’d shared their senior year and had even trounced him soundly in the one debate in which they’d been pitted against each other

These need to be broken up somehow, or maybe just provide the backstory info later in the chapter?

It also seems to me that Riley is coming off as kind of narcissistic, like it’s all about her – she concludes he’s come back to mock her, to torment her, but then it develops that he doesn’t even recognize her; so that conclusion is wrong, and she leaps on to anger because he doesn’t remember her. What?

And their limited relationship (at least as given in the first page) doesn’t seem like enough justification for her to bean him with a statue. I realize that these days, romantic heroines MUST be feisty (it’s the “kickass uber alles” syndrome) but there are other ways to show strength in a woman (instead of, or in addition to, a willingness to hit people on very little provocation).

I think the problem is you aren’t trusting the action. There’s a lot of back story and description and irrelevant cutsiness that stops the flow.

For instance:

His grin stretched wider, reminding Riley of just how long it had been since a good-looking and unattached male had flirted with her — or even wandered into her store totally oblivious to her presence there. Unless she counted the one guy the week before who’d offered to show her where aliens had implanted a homing device in him.

could be something like:

His grin stretched wider. How long had it been since a good-looking, unattached male flirted with her?

I think all the other stuff obscures what you’re trying to say.

Weirdly enough, I *really* want to learn more about the shop than the main characters.