you don’t know half the time what is local slang, or a local saying (well barring the very obvious) until you use it and your editor sends back a WTF is a XXX? email :)

Absolutely true. The things my Canadian editor was stumped by, really astonished me.

In other words, go with what fits the location, but at the same time don’t overdo it so it appeals to a wider audience.

On the first page front – I liked the premise and would read further, although I felt there were areas that needed tightening as they rambled a little. The british-isms didn’t worry me, being a Kiwi and all :D

The funny thing is, you don’t know half the time what is local slang, or a local saying (well barring the very obvious) until you use it and your editor sends back a WTF is a XXX? email :)

Yes, it could be tightened up a bit. Found my attention briefly wandering in the middle, but not enough to hit the back button, and then it picked up again. Loved the British-isms and strongly disagree with those who advise you to change them. Sure, America’s a big market, but that doesn’t make us the center of the universe! It’s ridiculous to expect all characters, regardless of their origins, to think and speak in tems that are familiar to us. Using language that reflects the culture is part of establishing your setting and I thought you used that technique very well indeed.

Bottom line: you’ve got a whole lot going for you. If I picked this up in a bookstore, I would certainly turn the page to see where it was going next. If a few more paragraphs didn’t disappoint, I would buy it.

Here’s wishing you an editor who feels the same.

I suggest that if you start with such an action heavy sentence, you continue through with that. Basically stick with Who, What, Where, When, Why. Virginia, walking down the street, going to meet Graham, etc.

While the prose is very witty, I felt like I wasn’t really getting to the heart of what was going on, it just felt really weighted down. Ask yourself: Is it really important for the reader to know all of this? Does it add or take away from the story?

With such an enticing first sentence, you need to keep up with that speed.

Good luck!!!

Speaking for myself, I love “Britishisms” in things. But I’m not really alone. After all, Masterpiece just cut “Theatre/Theater” off the end of its name — so they can market more cheaply on both sides of the pond maybe?

My point is, the word Anglophile exists for a reason.

Maybe you could give your character a reason to use British English? Transplant the story to Cambridge, Massachusetts and have Gin come over to study or track down a missing doodad or something?

Or leave the story where it is. Do Americans refuse to read Harry Potter? Isn’t it common knowledge that JK Rowling regrets giving in to the pressure to change Philosopher to Sorcerer in the first US title?

Thanks for submitting your first page, and good luck with your story!

I’ve read this before, haven’t I?

Oh dear – that’s a little disheartening. Because I haven’t sent it to a crit group or the like, and I don’t belong to a writers’ workshop or what have you. Which rather implies that, if it strikes you as familiar, it’s a bit too generic.

Knickers.

Thank you all very much for your input, though – I’m chuffed to bits, as we say in the UK – or rather, I’m delighted. (Speaking of which, I particularly appreciate the points about trying to make my language use and cultural references more generic – although we’re very used to Americanisms, I gather that the reverse is not true. I don’t want to alienate potential readers right off the bat, particularly if the majority of the audience for this genre is American. Curses! I was really thinking primarily of trying to sell to a UK audience initially, but I guess the smart money’s on trying to minimise the UK-specific stuff in the hopes of selling abroad too.)

You’ve given me a lot of food for thought. I don’t know that my writing style will ever be in danger of approaching terse, but I can certainly work on breaking up some of the longer sentences more, and be conscious of the fact that this is an issue. And clearly there’s a lot of trimming of the fat that needs to be done, and tightening up. In fact I may even just chuck this section out entirely, and cut to the chase.

Alas, this snippet does stop just short of explaining the lousiness of this earlier part of Gin’s evening – namely the discovery that the fiance is shagging someone else, and Gin’s dumping of said fiance.

I wonder – would it be terribly bad form to send in the original first page, for comparison? It’s a very different kettle of fish, and set later in the evening, so I don’t think it would be repetitive for readers (well, other than my writing style). It would be very helpful for me, certainly, to see whether the original beginning works better – as I rather suspect it does. Hmm. I guess it can’t hurt to send it in on spec, can it? Because the Ja(y)nes can cheerfully hurl it into the trash, if it’s inappropriate of me – and now I’m intrigued to know what you would have made of the original beginning. It’s a lot more cut-to-the-chasey.

Sincerely – thank you for your input, and any further constructive criticism would be much appreciated too.

I’d lose some of the shoe focus too. ;)

Just one small, nitpicky thing to add — I was just a little confused by your mention of her having a man “…at home. Alone. Available.”, which led me to expect she lived with someone who was home waiting for her, and then finding that the man she referred to lived with his mother (I think?)…
(and the idea of her indulging in the aforementioned “licking parts of Graham” with his mother around…well, just no – kind of an unappealing image! jmo). If he does not live with his mother, you might want to save the comments about her for another scene.
Just something you may want to clarify a bit in future drafts.

Thanks for sharing it, and best of luck. :)

And what everyone else said about the “Gin” v. “Virginia Shepherd” thing: we don’t need to know her legal name at the outset if you’re going to call her “Gin” throughout.

As has been said previously, an overload of the vocab will pull the reader out of the narrative as they’re left puzzled as to who’s who and what’s what. Instead, try a more careful approach to getting the message across, so break up your references. Keep “snogging” as it’s a well known British word, but the more ‘obscure’ references [Oliver Reed] would probably have to go.

If/when you get a contract you can add in more ‘Britishness’ to the second/third/fourth books, but your opening one has to be a little more generic, and a little more targetted at the wider market of readers – America.

IMO though, I absolutely loved it, found it hilarious, can picture myself doing something similar (I guess I’m just that shallow, lol) and actually love that whole, ‘My day started bad and got worse in a hurry’ thing, lol. I think one of the comments above struck something important – this opening does leave the reader expecting some ‘nightmarish chick flick’ day, and so it throws you a little to be thrown into the action so quickly.

Not that I’m against getting into to the good stuff as soon as poss, it’s just that if you start off using a well known opening, as you have, you’re leading your reader to think a certain way – and when that doesn’t happen, it throws the reader out of the narrative as they’re left thinking, ‘So what was so bad before she was mauled by the werewolf? Seemed like a good enough night out to me..’

Those are just my thoughts on it, but overall, I’d keep reading.

Advice?
About 2 cents worth.
Tighten it up.
How?
Ease up on the shoes and booze.
But do carry on!
As a reader, I would.