you don’t know half the time what is local slang, or a local saying (well barring the very obvious) until you use it and your editor sends back a WTF is a XXX? email :)

Absolutely true. The things my Canadian editor was stumped by, really astonished me.

In other words, go with what fits the location, but at the same time don’t overdo it so it appeals to a wider audience.

On the first page front – I liked the premise and would read further, although I felt there were areas that needed tightening as they rambled a little. The british-isms didn’t worry me, being a Kiwi and all :D

The funny thing is, you don’t know half the time what is local slang, or a local saying (well barring the very obvious) until you use it and your editor sends back a WTF is a XXX? email :)

Yes, it could be tightened up a bit. Found my attention briefly wandering in the middle, but not enough to hit the back button, and then it picked up again. Loved the British-isms and strongly disagree with those who advise you to change them. Sure, America’s a big market, but that doesn’t make us the center of the universe! It’s ridiculous to expect all characters, regardless of their origins, to think and speak in tems that are familiar to us. Using language that reflects the culture is part of establishing your setting and I thought you used that technique very well indeed.

Bottom line: you’ve got a whole lot going for you. If I picked this up in a bookstore, I would certainly turn the page to see where it was going next. If a few more paragraphs didn’t disappoint, I would buy it.

Here’s wishing you an editor who feels the same.

I suggest that if you start with such an action heavy sentence, you continue through with that. Basically stick with Who, What, Where, When, Why. Virginia, walking down the street, going to meet Graham, etc.

While the prose is very witty, I felt like I wasn’t really getting to the heart of what was going on, it just felt really weighted down. Ask yourself: Is it really important for the reader to know all of this? Does it add or take away from the story?

With such an enticing first sentence, you need to keep up with that speed.

Good luck!!!

Speaking for myself, I love “Britishisms” in things. But I’m not really alone. After all, Masterpiece just cut “Theatre/Theater” off the end of its name — so they can market more cheaply on both sides of the pond maybe?

My point is, the word Anglophile exists for a reason.

Maybe you could give your character a reason to use British English? Transplant the story to Cambridge, Massachusetts and have Gin come over to study or track down a missing doodad or something?

Or leave the story where it is. Do Americans refuse to read Harry Potter? Isn’t it common knowledge that JK Rowling regrets giving in to the pressure to change Philosopher to Sorcerer in the first US title?

Thanks for submitting your first page, and good luck with your story!

I’ve read this before, haven’t I?

Oh dear – that’s a little disheartening. Because I haven’t sent it to a crit group or the like, and I don’t belong to a writers’ workshop or what have you. Which rather implies that, if it strikes you as familiar, it’s a bit too generic.

Knickers.

Thank you all very much for your input, though – I’m chuffed to bits, as we say in the UK – or rather, I’m delighted. (Speaking of which, I particularly appreciate the points about trying to make my language use and cultural references more generic – although we’re very used to Americanisms, I gather that the reverse is not true. I don’t want to alienate potential readers right off the bat, particularly if the majority of the audience for this genre is American. Curses! I was really thinking primarily of trying to sell to a UK audience initially, but I guess the smart money’s on trying to minimise the UK-specific stuff in the hopes of selling abroad too.)

You’ve given me a lot of food for thought. I don’t know that my writing style will ever be in danger of approaching terse, but I can certainly work on breaking up some of the longer sentences more, and be conscious of the fact that this is an issue. And clearly there’s a lot of trimming of the fat that needs to be done, and tightening up. In fact I may even just chuck this section out entirely, and cut to the chase.

Alas, this snippet does stop just short of explaining the lousiness of this earlier part of Gin’s evening – namely the discovery that the fiance is shagging someone else, and Gin’s dumping of said fiance.

I wonder – would it be terribly bad form to send in the original first page, for comparison? It’s a very different kettle of fish, and set later in the evening, so I don’t think it would be repetitive for readers (well, other than my writing style). It would be very helpful for me, certainly, to see whether the original beginning works better – as I rather suspect it does. Hmm. I guess it can’t hurt to send it in on spec, can it? Because the Ja(y)nes can cheerfully hurl it into the trash, if it’s inappropriate of me – and now I’m intrigued to know what you would have made of the original beginning. It’s a lot more cut-to-the-chasey.

Sincerely – thank you for your input, and any further constructive criticism would be much appreciated too.

I’d lose some of the shoe focus too. ;)

Just one small, nitpicky thing to add — I was just a little confused by your mention of her having a man “…at home. Alone. Available.”, which led me to expect she lived with someone who was home waiting for her, and then finding that the man she referred to lived with his mother (I think?)…
(and the idea of her indulging in the aforementioned “licking parts of Graham” with his mother around…well, just no – kind of an unappealing image! jmo). If he does not live with his mother, you might want to save the comments about her for another scene.
Just something you may want to clarify a bit in future drafts.

Thanks for sharing it, and best of luck. :)

And what everyone else said about the “Gin” v. “Virginia Shepherd” thing: we don’t need to know her legal name at the outset if you’re going to call her “Gin” throughout.

As has been said previously, an overload of the vocab will pull the reader out of the narrative as they’re left puzzled as to who’s who and what’s what. Instead, try a more careful approach to getting the message across, so break up your references. Keep “snogging” as it’s a well known British word, but the more ‘obscure’ references [Oliver Reed] would probably have to go.

If/when you get a contract you can add in more ‘Britishness’ to the second/third/fourth books, but your opening one has to be a little more generic, and a little more targetted at the wider market of readers – America.

IMO though, I absolutely loved it, found it hilarious, can picture myself doing something similar (I guess I’m just that shallow, lol) and actually love that whole, ‘My day started bad and got worse in a hurry’ thing, lol. I think one of the comments above struck something important – this opening does leave the reader expecting some ‘nightmarish chick flick’ day, and so it throws you a little to be thrown into the action so quickly.

Not that I’m against getting into to the good stuff as soon as poss, it’s just that if you start off using a well known opening, as you have, you’re leading your reader to think a certain way – and when that doesn’t happen, it throws the reader out of the narrative as they’re left thinking, ‘So what was so bad before she was mauled by the werewolf? Seemed like a good enough night out to me..’

Those are just my thoughts on it, but overall, I’d keep reading.

Advice?
About 2 cents worth.
Tighten it up.
How?
Ease up on the shoes and booze.
But do carry on!
As a reader, I would.

Since we were deep in her POV, I thought your sentences worked well for a slightly drunk girl weaving down the street. Her thoughts weaved along with her feet. I loved the dry humor of her voice and would totally keep reading.

BTW and FWIW I didn’t assume strange/naked girl opening the door of her boyfriend’s flat. I imagined a more fantastical scene based on the very first sentence setting me up.

Even before Virginia Shepherd got mauled by a werewolf, she’d been having a lousy evening.

There’s something about changing the subject of the sentence halfway through (first clause talking about Gin, second clause talking about the evening) that doesn’t work for me.

Paranormal isn’t my thing, but I also like your voice, with the agreement that it would still come through if you trimmed some of the extra padding. I do know who Oliver Reed was, and I liked the joke, but as you’ve seen, anybody who doesn’t will be baffled and pulled out of the narrative.

I think the first line would be punchier like this:

Even before Virginia Shepherd got mauled by a werewolf, it had been a lousy evening.

Your voice is very distinctive. Most of your writing is very strong POV, too. That said… there were certain sentences that jumped out at me as being very weak writing. Those sentences also pulled me out of her POV, and were more telling than showing. I found myself wondering why, when you can write so well in other sentences, you left those in.

What were those sentences? Well… almost every one that had her name. Somehow those sentences sound like you’re jumping back to a narrator, instead of the strong POV that the rest are in. Combined, I think the effect is the “too much” that others are mentioning. ie: if you stick to sentences that are deep in her POV it won’t seem like quite so much.

That’s my opinion of your writing and your voice in general. Not everyone will like it… but those who like it will love it. I think you’ve got skill… but that you need to recognize where that skill lies so you use it to it’s full potential, rather than water it down with weak sentences scattered among great ones.

Now, as to the set-up and plot, here. I think you need to think of a new beginning sentence or two… a new way to introduce her… but then, I thought that the rest of your first paragraph, and the following “Surprisingly” sentence worked really well. They give a quick sketch of the character and her frame of mind. If you could somehow slightly re-word that “surprisingly” sentence so it shows that now is one of those times, you’d have the added advantage of getting rid of the telling paragraph that follows.

After that, however… well… what’s the point of this scene? First it seems to be heading in one direction, then it suddenly turns in another direction. I don’t think you want that. I think you just want to give a clear portrayal of who she is and what she wants, to set the reader up for the disappointment she’s about to be slammed with when that door opens.

Think about her goals and motivation at this point. Is she REALLY all excited about this first idea… and then does she REALLY toss it all to go get Graham? First she really wants one thing, then she really wants another. The result of this is that we don’t end up caring whether she gets either, because we decide that her definition of “really” wanting something is subject to change moments later. You don’t want to do that to your readers.

I hope this helps, somehow!

As a reader, I’d definitely feel overwhelmed with too many details and British references that I don’t completely understand. I also agree that nothing about Gin particularly causes me to relate to her. So far, she’s a caricature–a character rather than a real person, so to speak. And, she does seem a bit obsessed about the shoes, which I happen to read as shallow, and that makes me less inclined to be interested in her. (Of course, the very next page might change that!)

As an editor, I would also be put off by the same. Considering the amount of tightening the opener needs, I would wonder about how “loose” the rest of the ms. and not want to deal with the amount of work possibly involved. The suggestions of breaking up sentences into shorter ones makes the piece punchier, easier on the eyes, and seem to go more quickly–which translates to a reader’s eyes as being gripping. Also, what’s presented here does seem like more backstory than actual story. Know the details about Gin in your head, but put only the salient points on the page.

I do like the opening hook in some ways, although I can also see how some might consider it gimmicky. Maybe following the hook with another sentence or two about becoming a werewolf would work better? Or not using the hook: just giving us Gin as she is, setting up her normal life, before we discover she gets suddenly turned and everything (presumably) changes.

Small point, not sure if s/o else noted it: In this sentence,

It was quite a little little black dress, and Graham’s mum really wouldn’t appreciate it if the neighbours started gossiping about him having strange women over in the middle of the night.

if Gin is Graham’s fiancee, surely the neighbors would be accustomed to seeing her and would therefore not classify her as a “strange woman” on his doorstep? Unless this just means that Gin never ever dresses this way…but even so, she’d still be recognizable, yes?

I would likely read on if the opening were tightened more. Best to you with this! Hope the comments help.

I will disagree with many of the comments that felt there was too much info. I liked it that way. It was full of information, yes, but I didn’t think it was random and I enjoyed the humor and the voice. A lot.

The only thing that I didn’t get was the small bit about Kate and getting married; maybe expand the info or take it out if it isn’t important.

And I think a slightly drunk woman who is looking to get laid is going to think she’s the hottest thing in high heels.

I really want to read more. You completely owned me with this first page.

My stomach never growls when I’ve had a lot to drink, my four inch stilettos don’t ‘clip-clop’, certainly not if they’re strapped on, and my head was reeling by the time I got to the house number.

Combine those along with all the ‘hads’ and it’s just not for me. Sorry. But I’m only one person. Many here were intrigued and that’s a good thing. :)

I would suggest though that rather than this sentence for example:

There had been a manic gleam in Kate’s green eyes as they downed tequila slammers; she was already drunker than Oliver Reed in a distillery and she seemed hell bent on doing her liver as much damage as possible, and snogging as many random blokes as she could before she finally said ‘I do’ the next day, regardless of their levels of personal hygiene.

you could break it up and tighten it more.

Kate’s green eyes held a manic gleam as she and Gin downed tequila slammers. Already drunker than Oliver reed in a distillery, Kate seemed hell bent on doing her liver as much damage as possible. Not to mention snoggin as many random blokes as she could before finally saying “I do” the next day.

Q and D but at least you can see what I mean. And I’d leave the ‘personal hygiene’ out of it. Unless it adds something to the story later on, Kate catches thrush from one of the blokes, it has little bearing.

And I’m with someone else who mentioned the Oliver Reed reference. I know who he is, but have no idea what the distillery comment relates to.

Personally, I’d have to pass on this one unless you really tightened it and took out a lot of the info dump.

Kudos for posting it! And good luck :)

Get to the hook faster. It’s a good one!