And I’ve yet to meet a bra on three continents that’s truly comfortable.

(Stopping now because this is obviously TMI.)

This reads as wallpaper L.A. Blond woman, convertible, works in TV, traffic jam. . . It just sounds like someone from outside SoCal writing about what s/he has seen on TV. The “light metering traffic,” while awkwardly phrased, is a good detail and she’s getting on a specific on-ramp. But other stuff feels off. The top down in a Santa Ana? There are women that do it, but the damage to your skin and hair can make you miserable the rest of the day. Usually in that weather, the top is up and the air conditioning is on. Henley top is not a term I’ve ever heard any of my friends around here use. Maybe your heroine is older than my friends and I are (we’re in our 20s and 30s) or maybe you know people in SoCal who do use it. Also, and I could be completely off on this because it’s been a few years since I talked to anyone in the industry, but I was under the impression that TV call times for cast and crew are usually really early, like 6:00 or 7:00 am. So she’d have to leave early enough that she wouldn’t be hitting a lot of the school and normal business traffic. Not that traffic isn’t starting to slow that early in the morning, but she’s more likely to be talking to the guy in the bread truck driving to/from a restaurant or grocery store than a woman in a business suit on her way to the office.

You’ve got a really great voice. I don’t think the details of the heroine’s appearance make her shallow, just that you’ve dumped too much stuff about her on the first page and it should be spread out through the whole first (and maybe some of the second) chapter. But I’ve read a lot of novels set or partially set in wallpaper California lately (Girls of Riyadh was the last, I think). So as soon as she rolled down the top of her convertible in a Santa Ana and I thought about how dry and cracked my hands have been all week in this one even with huge amounts of lotion and not being outside much most days, this became a book that I’m not likely to continue reading.

Too much shopping-list description. Using brand names as characterization is lazy. Detailed clothing description as characterization is lazy. “Impossibly” anything is cliche. I’m impatient with all of this, because there seems like a really interesting, fun voice under all of this static.

I love bras!

A bra is a support garment. If you have nothing to support, why bother?

I bother because…

+ I live in the cool pacific northwest and I don’t want anybody seeing my tits poking out at them through my shirt. Maybe I’d feel differently if I had a boyfriend. :-)
+ The little extra bit of definition leaves me looking not quite so flat chested.
+ I feel naked if I’m not wearing a bra.

I’m sure I could think of a couple more reasons but that’s enough for me, especially the third reason. *grin*

One thing I’d like to know from just anyone who cares to answer it – is it just me (and maybe it is) but doesn’t having a character go braless make you instinctively regard that character in a less than flattering way?

A bra is a support garment. If you have nothing to support, why bother?

The only thing I can think of is that perhaps when she’s waiting in traffic that she sees the dog getting dumped from a car, and you can go into more description of the dog and her whole wait, did that just happen, look at all those zipping cars, and oh God, if I don’t do something, this dog will die.

And I do think that it’s believable she would notice shoes since she went into details about her own clothes and how she looked.

I liked this and would read more. I think all that’s needed is to be tightened.

Good job! :D

Make changes if you feel you should, but stay true to yourself. You’ve got a quirky voice. Do your own thing!

EW A BUG–love it.