I’d stick to the small boy’s POV, but other people have said that already. One could get away with flipping between the boy and the man, even (I give a lot of leeway, and frankly if I were properly editing this I’d read it more times than I have today), but the Hannah POV is stretching things.

(I also have to point out that at first I completely misunderstood the purpose of this thread and thought we were playing “guess the [published] novel from its first page!” Yikes.)

“The bitch,” José muttered, slashing the dog whip across the rounded buttocks.

and specifically the detail of “rounded buttocks” it made me feel too complicit in the sexualized abuse and I had to stop reading. Now if that atmosphere is one you want to create, then you’re doing a good job. But if you’re writing a story about someone who is recovering from abuse and moving on with his life you might want to tone down the ick factor.

Changing POV: maybe some readers and editors tolerate POV shifts but that doesn’t mean you should aspire to anything less than excellent writing. If you’re not going to limit yourself to the inside of one character’s head you should work on omniscent POV and doing that well. Here’s a discussion on Deep Genre but I couldn’t find a good explanation on the web.

Starting with a prologue: I don’t generally read prologues. My reasoning? Why get all involved with this character that’s going to be taken away from me within a matter of pages? And then I have to get to know a new character (or incarnation of him or her, ie the 20 years later trick) anyway. And this is not a comment about you, but I generally find that prologues are a way for the author to be lazy and/or insert some favorite part of their worldbuilding into the final product. For the first, most backstory can be and should be worked in throughout the book and is more effective for it. And the second, it’s just padding.

And I am puzzled as to the rule to start with the action – why?

I don’t really think it’s a ‘rule’, but more of a guideline.

The one I go by is similar-start where the trouble starts, and it’s possible that what other meant when they say start where the action starts. Some reasoning behind that-if you start where the trouble starts, you’re less likely to bog the story down with heavy backstory.

I don’t think that’s an issue here, from what we’ve seen, but there’s a possible answer to your question. :)

I actually think this is one of the best first pages I’ve read on this site to date. Well done. I most definitely wanted to keep reading.

I’m of the mind that flashbacks work better in media res, so if I look at this as an excerpt and not a first page it works slightly better for me. Everyone and a half has been over the POV head-hopping, the awkwardness of the first sentence, etc. Those bothered me, but there were a couple of other suggestions that I’m not sure others have made yet, so:

1. We, the readers, always are one step removed from the action. Like began to breathe heavily, began to cry, began to hum, his arm was grabbed and he was pulled, etc.

Half of the problem is passive voice. It drones on and sounds boring when I know that the underlying action is, in fact, not at all boring. I would recommend that you cut out as much of it as you can. His father grabbed his arm and pulled him across the room.

The other half of it is your overuse of auxiliary verbs (to be + gerund, to begin to + verb, to seem to + verb). You used “began” SIX times on the first page, and only one of those times was it a stand-alone verb that worked well (When the screaming began), and even then, there are more effective ways to write that clause.

I think this lends to the problem of ‘telling and not showing enough.’

2. There are too many names in one sequence that mostly features just two people. I would find a way to make the scene solely about the boy and the father.

3. The small boy, hysterical with fear, wet the bed. Not only have you already said “the small boy,” the adjective is unnecessary. In fact, so is “hysterical with fear.” We as readers should know that without you having to say it. How about The boy whimpered and wet the bed. (I know, two w words, but I’m using a quick example)? There are so many adjectives that I don’t think you need in this scene.

You’ve kept the adverb count low, and for that, I salute you. Just don’t forget that adjectives can be overused, as well. (<–Passive voice is okay here because I’m not trying to be exciting.)

I think I would read on to see if the POV and verbiage improved, because it’s a powerful scene. But it’s so rare to see good prologues outside of a Tess Gerrittsen novel (the only author who comes to mind immediately when I think of good prologues) that I wonder if there’s a way to open on a suspenseful note and work this into the story a bit later.

Of the five or six first pages I’ve read here, this one was the best IMHO. It still needs a lot of work, but there’s always room for improvement.

Good luck!

Great work. Some excellent prose and imagery here. I do agree the POV should be tightened, but outside of that, it’s wonderful. Good luck!

Btw, Cas’ full name is Casimiro Aguilar Martin, but in the Spanish tradition, he can choose which name he uses, and he chose his mother’s, so he is known as Cas Martin. (that comes out in the next chapter ;-) )

Thank you again for your comments and your encouragement. And the tester bed goes. :-)

The father is one twisted weirdo, and I am all ready behind Cas, hoping he can make it through to something better.

One note. I had no idea what a “tester” bed was. for about two seconds, I thought we were in a sci fi story.

Good luck.

How small would he have to be in order to be lost? And how soft would the bed have to be in order for it to have depths? Why can’t the bed simply be a bed? Isn’t the boy getting lost in it evidence enough that it’s pretty darned big? A “huge” bed anyway sounds a bit odd.

—- The room stretched out around him, full of mysterious shadows that seemed to move for no reason at all.

This kind of writing doesn’t work for me. Why can’t the shadows simply be shadows instead of mysterious ones? Does the room have to stretch, whether around or away? Can’t the shadows simply move instead of seeming to move for no reason? You’re doing too much of my job as a reader. If you give me clues as to the creepiness of the room, I can fill in the blanks.

—–His nurse had begged his father for a night light and for once his father had acquiesced – for whatever reason. Hannah was sure it wasn’t to ease a small boy’s fears, and the sense of abandonment he’d had since his mother had left; she wasn’t sure exactly why José Aguilar had agreed, but she had taken her victory and scuttled back to the room with it.

Others have pointed out the switch in POV.

There seems to be an incomplete sentence after the first comma. Either that or you need to lose the comma and let the sentence before the semicolon stand as one thought instead of two.

I like the visual with the nurse scuttling. It adds to the sense of some menace lurking about.

—-His father had said there were no such things as monsters, only monstrous people who ought to be horse whipped. You have to be a man in this life, he’d said, and quit believing in monsters under the bed or in the closet. The boy wasn’t too sure about that; surely the closet door had opened just a bit more? Why would it do that, if something hadn’t caused it? And Hannah had gone to her own bed, so what was left but monsters?

I’m curious here to know if there is a plot reason for the focus on monsters. Is this a paranormal involving monsters or creatures looked upon as monsters? That’s the sense, I’m getting. (It sure would help make sense of these first pages if we were provided with back of the book blurbs.)

—–The shadows moved closer, swelling and shrinking as if to mock his fear. The vast expanse of the room, the high ceilings lost in a blackness that seemed to press down upon him, the knowledge that he was alone and lonely, almost broke his nerve. He wanted his mother.

Again this kind of writing doesn’t work for me. Feels too over the top. Although I do like the last line about the boy wanting his mother. And one reason I like it is because it is simple. You leave me to do the work of filling in character emotions instead of hitting me over the head with them as you did in the sentences leading up to that line. Less sometimes really is more.

—–He huddled into the pillows, trying to ignore what his mind was telling him had to be true. His mama had always sung to him, it was a comfort when he was feeling scared or alone. She had a true contralto and she could conjure up beautiful castles and brave knights; he knew it was so even if he couldn’t understand the language she was singing in.

I’m not getting the connection between the first sentence in the above and the rest of the paragraph. The rest seems to be related to the boy missing his mom. But first we get him huddling and ignoring.

Others have mentioned the bit with the contralto singing — not something I’d expect a small boy to know. And how does he know what Mom is singing about if he can’t understand what she’s saying? Does he simply make up words that work for him? Is he psychic? Did she translate for him at some point? What?

—-Now as he remembered, he began to hum. He closed his eyes, sliding down until he was lying flat and the hum became words, gaining in volume as he put all his concentration into it. The words were made up, special words, words that conjured his mother.

Nice visual with the kid singing to himself in place of his mother. I especially like that he made the words up. Again, it’s simply done, leaving me to fill in the blanks myself.

—-His high, pure voice filled the room and in his mind the knight fought the monsters and the beautiful princess, who looked a lot like his mama, held out her hand and smiled at him.

Again a nice visual with the mom as princess.

Someone probably already mentioned the POV switch.

You need a comma there to set off the second complete sentence. Otherwise the reader has to backtrack to regroup after thinking the kid’s singing filled not only the room but his mind as well.

Actually, that whole sentence is confusing. The knight fought the princess? I’m thinking you’d do better to break this up into two or three separate sentences.

I’m going to skip commenting on the scenes with the father. Too icky. And really, I’d stop reading right there. As it is, it makes me wonder what kind of story this is.

—- He would lay low and work as he could and continue to put distance between himself and California.

Is this a contemporary? I read it as a European Historical (complete with creepy castle), even with the mention of night lights and closets. Now I don’t know.

Even beyond the ick factor, I wouldn’t keep reading. I might have felt different with a different opening. One that focused on an adult character. And one that wasn’t a dream sequence. (And really, I found the last few lines more intriguing than anything that went before.)

shenan

Of course they do, but if this is a first book by a new writer, it adds to the obstacles that must be overcome for an editor to look at it. A subsequent book, a second book etc will be looked at with a lot more tolerance, so if this is one of those, it could be fine. The “what editors hate” lists are all over the net, and starting with a dream seems to be high up on the lists.
I don’t think, good though it is, that this is quite different or special enough to overcome that initial problem. I’d love to be proved wrong.

I have to disagree. I think it’s a strong start and does what a prologue is supposed to do, gives a back story and a deep emotional trauma which, I assume, is going to drive the story. And even saying *editors hate* whatever it is that editors hate, can be found in many finely written stories; good writing can overcome what *editor’s hate* when done well.

I don’t know what a tester bed is either but assumed it was just something I didn’t know (there’s lots of things I don’t know) *grin*. I do agree that maybe this would be better not as a dream, perhaps as an adult remembering back in which certain things might not be so jarring to the reader (like the true contralto).

I did think this was gorgeous writing and since I do know the author I am more than a little biased and a big squee that it’s here and what a way to start the weekend!!!