the Ga thing… who is ga-ing and why? Is it to draw attention to the plight of Cloe’s topiary? If so it needs to go with the topiary discussion, not seperated from it by a paragraph, and it needs to be in quotes with a clear indication of who is making the noise. Even when there isn’t a tag, the reader should get an indication as to who is saying what or it just gets confusing.

The next thing I noticed was the names being repeated. it made me think of a British comedy skit I saw some time ago where formal introductions went nuts each time someone new spoke. Cloe, Daphne, Daphne, Cloe, cloe and Daphne… And BTW, the ‘Cloe’ spelling makes me think of shoe, which makes me want to say Clue instead of Chloe. I’m simple, please don’t give me oddly spelled names.

On to the action…where is it? I have a bit of topiary rescue and what else? The rest of the page is info dump abut the house and her business, none of which is making me want to keep reading.

On the plus side, I do like the voice. Despite bouncing back and forth with the names and the waiting around for something to happen, it sounds good. There is a nice flow to the language that could translate to an enjoyable story.

I could tolerate Daphne’s hobby of tormenting Chloe, as long as Chloe gets her back. In spades. Mega-vengeance. My crit partner & I do this to each other all the time. We’re equals. For your characters, it will make their relationship a thing of marvellous invention.

I couldn’t hack “Cloe.” My mind kept wanting to add “–rox” and consider her as liquid bleach. All found, though, you’ve got potential here for a very nice romp. Stick with it!

Great advice, Julie. Not everything we write should necessarily end up in the final product. isidri also touches upon this with his/her “infodump ahoy” comment. The writer needs to know the layout of the room so she can move characters around in the setting through out the book, but it’s a bit too much info for page 1.

My gut reactions:

* If the first line is dialogue, it needs quotation marks, and needs to be made clear somewhere (second paragraph is fine) who is doing the GAAAAAAA-ing. If it isn’t, it makes no sense and needs to go.

* multiple question marks and/or exclamation points make you sound like a twelve-year-old posting on a Jonas brothers fansite. One is sufficient.

* way, way too much repeating of names. I know it’s harder to keep everything comprehensible with two “she”’s in a scene, but you are putting the dots way closer together than they need to be

* infodump ahoy! You only need to convey the information that the reader needs to understand what is happening in the story right now. Do I really need to know that Daphne converted two viewing rooms into one room for receptions, parties, and other events, in order to understand this scene? Do I need to know how much storage space she has? About the apartment she isn’t even using? Unless these things are going to become vitally important in the next few pages, don’t stop the scene to tell them to me.

* when you begin a story, you have to ask yourself the First Question from Passover: “Why is this night different from all other nights?” In other words, why does the story start here, on this day, at this event, with these substandard topiaries? You probably already know the answer to that… but I don’t– not from reading your first page. You don’t necessarily have to dive straight into the conflict, but it wouldn’t hurt to at least hint at it, instead of telling me about characters I’m (probably) never going to see or hear mentioned again winning the lottery.

Beginnings are precious and precarious. Don’t waste the space.

dislike the info dump- it just feels clunky- like some of the stuff we’re getting doesn’t need to be told already- the geography of the building can be described when it comes into play- right now I don’t need to know about the storage, but later when you need something large or to clean up from this event, the storage room will be important

like employer and employee being friends

dislike sadistic streak- there are friends I pick on because its fun, but not at work before a big event

like the sense of fun and enjoyment Daphne seems to have in her work

dislike the internal giggling- I kept expecting to see smoky beakers and other accoutrements of a mad scientist

Also, I plan major events and if someone tried messing with my head (or any of my colleagues) in the hours before show time just because they thought it was funny, I’d beat them with a flagstone.

‘Classical Full Story Map’ is most often used for dramatic narrative storytelling, particularily when considering a book to film adaptation.

The simple step template from the book, The Comic Toolbox, by John Vorhaus is an eight point story form based on the KISS principle.

Wishing you great success!

No to the “GAAAA!” and all the chuckling and giggling. It’s trying too hard as Cecilia and others have pointed out. No to the surnames. They’re not relevant on the first page and people don’t think of themselves this way. To open like this holds the readers at arm’s length and prevents a close third-person viewpoint. No to the back-story coming as an info-dump. Gennita and Theo and Lynne have provided some good examples on how to integrate this stuff a little more naturally.

My biggest problem is the lack of what Shenan calls the “hook”. As a mystery/fantasy fan, I first started participating in these DearAuthor critiques from the background of practically expecting a murder on the first page (I want my dead body, damn it!).

Only recently have I come around to the realization that some writers prefer to open more subtly with a sense of tension permeating everyday life and then build quickly (like towards the end of the first chapter) towards the outright conflict.

But we do need that sense of tension, in my opinion. Even if you don’t start with the outright conflict, you should probably start with a hint of what Daphne wants. Just a hint of something lacking or some dissatisfaction so that we know that all is not perfection – because you can’t build a story from that.

An actual conflict would be something like foreclosure on her building or some action of hers incurring someone’s animosity or whatever. That can come a little later, if you like.

But what she wants … that could be something as small as one subtle thought on the first page that all is not right in her world. Maybe she’s lonely and hoping she’ll meet someone special, or she has a twinge of insecurity about her new business because her parents never thought she’d amount to anything. These random examples may all be inappropriate – but I hope you see what I mean. We’ve got 506 words here and I’m still not getting a sense of anything at stake that could build into a storyline.

Although fantasy writers have enthusiastically embraced Vogler (and Campbell’s) theories, when you read “The Writer’s Journey” or hear Vogler speak, you learn that he makes the point the “all storytelling, consciously or not, [follow] the ancient patterns of myth, and that all stories . . . can be understood in terms of the Hero’s Journey . . .”

His seminars are attended by writers from all genres, not just fantasy writers.

Starting in the ordinary world does not negate having a hook or an appealing approach.

This is a good character sketch, but it isn’t the opening of a chapter. I sense the writer trying to discover character and establish backstory, but this is the kind of scene I might write for myself, then tuck it away in a file.

Nothing is HAPPENING. This is not the moment of change. I think the author needs to dig deeper.

That said, I don’t personally like heroines who giggle. Giggling would make me put down the book right then and there, unless she’s twelve. And even then. The teasing relationship comes across as very childish and not at all professional. When I meet a heroine (again–this is totally personal) I like to see her being good at something. She doesn’t have to be perfect, but competent. Even if she’s screwing up. I don’t know if I can accurately describe what I mean…it’s one thing to be human and have foibles and another to be silly–and this heroine comes across as silly.

And yes, there is WAY too much backstory for a first page.

Every time we start to notice some real and concrete object we get grabbed up by the scruff of the neck and hauled off someplace else.

If this scene of two women talking is worth writing,
(is it … ?)
then we should be IN THE SCENE to see them do it.

.
Lookit here at the first example …

.
she took her time walking to the table that held the flowers and plants before they were arranged around the room.
.

We have something concrete here. A table. But instead of showing us that table and what’s on it, we slip away to an abstract and distant line about how the table is routinely used.

Consider instead …

.
she took her time walking to the scarred formica table. Peruvian cat fern and florettes of bachelor button had been shoved aside to make room for …
.

The here-and-now table is about to hit our gal in the belly. Show us that table, not the future and routine use and abstract table.
At ten in the morning, Wednesday, the fifth of June, what is the sight, smell, color, texture, shape of the table?

Another Lookit …

.
“Oh my God!” exclaimed Daphne as she approached the flowers, watching Cloe panic further. “Those topiaries look amazing!”
.

Consider instead …

.
Daphne picked off a yellow-and-muddy-brown, mottled leaf. It smelled like the morning after a frat party. “What IS this?”

Cloe opened and closed her mouth, uninformative as a goldfish, hanging midwater. “T .. T …Topiary.”
.

Daphne’s action of picking off a leaf is more detailed and specific than the vague ‘approaching’. We now have the color, shape and smell to what she’s looking at. It’s not just a generic ‘flower’.
We are not TOLD Cloe has panicked. We see Cloe panic.

So my advice would be

– decide whether this scene is NEEDED for some story purpose, (something beyond forming a nice quiet spot to dump backstory.)

– describe actions and objects in the scene with some specficity and detail.

– fine-tune the emotions of these two characters. Their giggling, laughing, exclaiming, panicking, torturing and being rattled may give way to reactions both more moderate and more complex.

– take three-quarters of this segment and move it six pages onward. Put all that backstory AFTER the reader is wrapped up in the characters.

If I may add further, the above are the first two of the 12 step Ancient Mythology story form. It is used most obviously in fantasy and less so in other genres. Beginning a tale with Ordinary World is not intended to be interpreted literally, IMHO and introducing the protag’s life with conflict or hook to grab reader interest is a more appealing approach.

As usual, we’re on the same page.

Regards,

Maya

And since Gennita’s had a go, and I’m currently struggling with a new WIP and looking for anything except that, here’s my try:

Chloe rushed at everything like a bull at a gate, but watching her struggle with the topiary plants, Daphne knew she’d made the right choice when she’d hired her six months ago. What Chloe lacked in subtlety, she made up for in enthusiasm and energy. The rest would come. Floristry wasn’t all about huge plants and flagstones. And event planning wasn’t all about the decor, either.
Chloe stood back and rested her hands on her hips. “Doesn’t look much like a funeral home any more, does it?”
Daphne smiled. “That’s because it isn’t. The premises were just ideal for my business and it came at the right price. Although it hasn’t hurt the wreath side of the business, I’d far rather be doing something like this, a happy occasion. And an engagement party is a great fun occasion. People sometimes assume we’re just florists, even though it says ‘event planning’ on the front door. We need more of these things to make our name.” Which was one of the reasons she was doing this affair at cost. Although it didn’t hurt that Ella and Duncan were her great friends and she probably would have done it at cost price anyway.

Far from perfect, but it’s an attempt to drip the information in instead of dumping it in one para, and incorporating it into the action. I’d cut Daphne’s speech down in revisions, and make the conversation longer, and put in the dead tree stuff, which I think was nice. Also, I tried to make her attitude to Chloe (sorry, I just can’t do Cloe) a bit more sympathetic.

Anyway, nice voice, good start and I think with a bit of revision this could be a really entertaining read.

You have established a good voice and have anchored your story in Daphne’s ordinary world. You’re off to a good start.

I have three issues, some of which others have touched upon:

1) The names Daphne and Cloe are a little too close to “Daphnis and Chloe,” the Greek novel, for me. I found them distracting, particularly since Daphnis was a male.

2) I don’t find an employer who delights in torments her employee sympathetic at all. This is a major turn-off for me.

3) You have too much backstory. The funeral parlor offers a lot of potential to the story, but I would just make a casual reference to it here and work the other details in at later points. At this point in your novel, the reader needs to get pulled into the story, not absorb a bunch of facts (like the physical structure of the building or every character’s last name).

Again, I very much like your voice. Don’t get discouraged. Keep writing and revising.

Good luck.

The names are too cutesy: one might be okay but almost all are just too much. There’s nothing wrong with a Jane Smith or Michael Jones. I didn’t even notice the spelling of Cloe…

My advice on this is just pace it a little more sensibly. I felt like I walked in right in the middle of a screwball comedy and I adore screwball comedies but want to catch my breath before the craziness starts. So slow it down, give us a moment to catch our breath and meet your characters as they prepare for the party.

Good luck with this. It sounds like it could be a lot of fun!