the Ga thing… who is ga-ing and why? Is it to draw attention to the plight of Cloe’s topiary? If so it needs to go with the topiary discussion, not seperated from it by a paragraph, and it needs to be in quotes with a clear indication of who is making the noise. Even when there isn’t a tag, the reader should get an indication as to who is saying what or it just gets confusing.

The next thing I noticed was the names being repeated. it made me think of a British comedy skit I saw some time ago where formal introductions went nuts each time someone new spoke. Cloe, Daphne, Daphne, Cloe, cloe and Daphne… And BTW, the ‘Cloe’ spelling makes me think of shoe, which makes me want to say Clue instead of Chloe. I’m simple, please don’t give me oddly spelled names.

On to the action…where is it? I have a bit of topiary rescue and what else? The rest of the page is info dump abut the house and her business, none of which is making me want to keep reading.

On the plus side, I do like the voice. Despite bouncing back and forth with the names and the waiting around for something to happen, it sounds good. There is a nice flow to the language that could translate to an enjoyable story.

I could tolerate Daphne’s hobby of tormenting Chloe, as long as Chloe gets her back. In spades. Mega-vengeance. My crit partner & I do this to each other all the time. We’re equals. For your characters, it will make their relationship a thing of marvellous invention.

I couldn’t hack “Cloe.” My mind kept wanting to add “–rox” and consider her as liquid bleach. All found, though, you’ve got potential here for a very nice romp. Stick with it!

Great advice, Julie. Not everything we write should necessarily end up in the final product. isidri also touches upon this with his/her “infodump ahoy” comment. The writer needs to know the layout of the room so she can move characters around in the setting through out the book, but it’s a bit too much info for page 1.

My gut reactions:

* If the first line is dialogue, it needs quotation marks, and needs to be made clear somewhere (second paragraph is fine) who is doing the GAAAAAAA-ing. If it isn’t, it makes no sense and needs to go.

* multiple question marks and/or exclamation points make you sound like a twelve-year-old posting on a Jonas brothers fansite. One is sufficient.

* way, way too much repeating of names. I know it’s harder to keep everything comprehensible with two “she”’s in a scene, but you are putting the dots way closer together than they need to be

* infodump ahoy! You only need to convey the information that the reader needs to understand what is happening in the story right now. Do I really need to know that Daphne converted two viewing rooms into one room for receptions, parties, and other events, in order to understand this scene? Do I need to know how much storage space she has? About the apartment she isn’t even using? Unless these things are going to become vitally important in the next few pages, don’t stop the scene to tell them to me.

* when you begin a story, you have to ask yourself the First Question from Passover: “Why is this night different from all other nights?” In other words, why does the story start here, on this day, at this event, with these substandard topiaries? You probably already know the answer to that… but I don’t– not from reading your first page. You don’t necessarily have to dive straight into the conflict, but it wouldn’t hurt to at least hint at it, instead of telling me about characters I’m (probably) never going to see or hear mentioned again winning the lottery.

Beginnings are precious and precarious. Don’t waste the space.

dislike the info dump- it just feels clunky- like some of the stuff we’re getting doesn’t need to be told already- the geography of the building can be described when it comes into play- right now I don’t need to know about the storage, but later when you need something large or to clean up from this event, the storage room will be important

like employer and employee being friends

dislike sadistic streak- there are friends I pick on because its fun, but not at work before a big event

like the sense of fun and enjoyment Daphne seems to have in her work

dislike the internal giggling- I kept expecting to see smoky beakers and other accoutrements of a mad scientist

Also, I plan major events and if someone tried messing with my head (or any of my colleagues) in the hours before show time just because they thought it was funny, I’d beat them with a flagstone.