The Anatta left her alone to watch Bren die.

Excellent first line.

A trembling hand brushed across Bren’s hot cheek, her fingertips smoothing the damp, copper strands.

No disconnected body parts, please. :-) Attach her hand to her arm… *She brushed a trembling hand across Bren’s hot cheek, smoothed back his damp, copper-streaked hair with her fingertips.*

Her head bowed.

Here, too. “She bowed her head.*

His wails, soft now, came farther and farther apart.

I wouldn’t really think of wails as soft…ever. Perhaps something like: His pitifully soft moans came farther and farther apart?

Each ragged breath drew him from her.

Not sure how his ragged breath could take him from her.

He made a slight choking sound and for a brief moment, silence hung heavily in the room.

Add “then.” *He made a slight choking sound and then, for a moment, silence hung heavily in the room.*
Otherwise, his choking and the silence happened at the same time, and that’s not possible. :-)

“Who . . .,” she began then stopped.

Incorrect tag. Make the dialogue and the punctuation do the job. “Who–?” She cleared her throat and tried again. “Who is there?”

As the words left her mouth,

A little awkward. I’d just delete it. Just go with the moving shadow…

Before her wide eyes, the approaching shadow drifted into the light, materializing into a tall humanoid figure dressed in stark, light-absorbing black.

Beginning is a little awkward. *She watched, wide-eyed, as the approaching shadow drifted into the light, materializing into a tall, humanoid figure dressed in stark, light-absorbing black.

I see the same problem with manuscripts that authors have contested a lot with–they enter a contest, they tweak, add water, rinse until the story loses whatever shine it had that made it special in the first place.

I agree that the first line could be cut, to preserve the flow, which is great from there on out.

And as much as I do love futuristic romance, the immediate intro of the new words, i.e. Anatta, only make me want to figure out who/what that is. Worldbuilding and such is key in these types of stories, along with the romance, but is there, perhaps, a better way for you to introduce your book’s unique words? Without info dumping of course. I wish I knew a good way for you to do so, but I’m sure you can tell I’m new to critiquing.

Well, maybe by giving the English word it represents right after. So, say if Anatta means bodyguard to us, that first sentence could be: The Anatta, the bodyguard, left her alone to watch Bren die. I know that may not be the best solution, but it could be a possibility.

I immediately assumed since Cyri is the young prince’s caretaker, that she is old (just a knee jerk kind of reaction I suppose), and I’m not sure if she’s meant to be the heroine or a character that the humanoid figure meets at first, in effect starting the book off with the hero instead.

Your description of the humanoid figure is great – with very little description, that light-absorbing black garb they wear is all the description I need to get a first impression – that this person is imposing and dangerous.

And part of that first impression is I wish there was more because I do want to continue.

I’m not sure if it’s been mentioned (I tend to only read the first few comments) but as a reader I don’t want to get too many introductions on the first page. It makes me feel as though I need to sit down and take notes. Skip the last name and gve me a proper introduction later in the chapter.

Along the same note, I also want names to be easily sounded out. If you feel the need to explain the pronunciation you’ve lost me. TBH, it doesn’t matter how the author WANTS it to sound, I’ll read it as I see it. I’m a very visual person and if it’s not something that makes sense nearly instantly, I don’t process it as sound, I see it as an image. I have problems with futuristic/sci-fi that have a lot of funky names and spellings because of this. It’s just hard to track who and what everyone is/are, especially of spellings are visually simular.

The setup is great and I would keep reading, even with the word-clutter.

As I look at the first paragraph, I think it’s cluttered with names and a little confusing.

My editor-hat tells me that something like this would work better:

The Anatta left her alone to watch Bren die. Cyri stood by the bedside of the young Lourvain prince, her legs barely keeping her upright. Her trembling hand brushed across Bren’s hot cheek, fingertips smoothing the damp, copper strands of hair. He moaned under his caretaker’s touch, his head moving from side to side. Agony etched deep lines into his skin, lending his young features a momentary illusion of age.

You can give Cyri’s last name (or locative or patronymic or trade name or whatever it is) later.

First line worked, identify who’s hand is doing the brushing, and limit her reactions to the intruder. Some of the emotion is a bit purple; as long as it eases up, I wouldn’t mind in this scene.

I would read on.

Just to clarify in case anyone is still interested. The Anatta is not a wife, nurse, etc. It is the name of a parasite race of aliens. And you bet, they are a nasty, hungry race. Yes, this is indeed a futuristic universe and takes place nowhere near Earth. In fact, very shortly space travel will ensue. :D

Lourvain is Cyri’s (Sear-ri pronunciation) and Bren’s homeworld. I could probably take that out. Bren is being taken over by one of the parasites and his soul is being forced out. Yes, it’s very painful and the Annatta left Cyri alone to watch him die. She’s, in Earth terms, mid-twenties and has lived a sheltered life but is by no means a weakling. Part of the arc is her growth – finding out who she is and what she’s made of. I don’t want to give too much away, obviously, but certainly more is explained.

For the most part, I don’t use any more made up words then most others do when writing for the paranormal/futuristic genres. Maybe they seem worse because there are a quite a few in the beginning? I’ll take a look at that.

Thanks gang! This was fun! I appreciate all the feedback!

sound’s source
I’d change to “it’s source.”

Actually, I think it should be “its” source, not “it’s” source, since it is a possessive, not a contraction of “it is”.

OTOH, I don’t much like the name Cyri because I dislike names that I haven’t a clue how to pronounce. Is the C hard or soft? Is the Y pronounced like an English long E or long I? Wondering about such things and other made-up names distracts from the story. Of course, if it turns out that Cyri is a traditional Welsh name or some such, I’ll just say “never mind” and skulk back into my corner (but I’d still have to ask how to pronounce it).