Ms. Hultenschmidt, thanks so much for reading. Your comment gives me the nerve to start my rewrites! Somehow the Cowardly Lion just popped to mind. Big sigh. Folks, do this if you have the noive. Thanks, Jane, Jayne et. al.

I don’t know what timeframe this character is originally from. There seems to be an allusion to wiping out while surfing — but in the 1890s? And “punk” in 1890 probably didn’t mean what it did in the 1980s. “Sliding” is tired and derivative; a new term should be found. I love the term “Steamside,” however! Piling in dragons and ginormous dragonflies — overkill. Interesting setup, but needs work. I’d be interested in reading more, if the overkill were excised and the chronology was sorted out.

The narrator read as male to me rather than as female. Not that I have a problem with that, but other responses seemed to assume a female narrator, so I thought I’d offer a different reader experience.

Me, too. I saw the narrator as a young guy.

I want to say that I love the setup, am very intrigued and would love to read more.

That said, there are some issues which bother me. 1) Maintaining tense, is and was both used 2) misplaced information, save descriptions of sliding until the actual slide and 3) static setup, we get information but see no action. It doesn’t feel like a dump to me, but I would like to get some hint of forward movement. Simply catching sight of the Man would help.

I’d also like to get more input about the narrator. While skimming I saw others refer to the narrator as “she” but I was left with the impression it was a he. Did I miss gender?

There is also a bit of inconsistancy in venacular. The language is very modern, which I can accept given the question of, “when,” but the narrator mentions heart palatations? It sounds very out-of-step.

Overall, I like the setup, I like the voice. It needs some tightening, cleaning up some sloppy writing, but it has me interested.

I’m not familiar with steampunk and would welcome some reading suggestions for the genre. I’m always looking for something new to read. :)

You’ve got a great concept. I’m looking forward to reading the entire novel.

By the end of the page I wanted more, more, more.

I really, really liked the voice and although I wasn’t sure exactly where or what Steamside was (or normal 1890) I trusted the writer enough to believe that everything would become clear eventually.

I rarely even read paranormal stuff – but this really appealed. I found the writing fresh and clear and the story intriguing.

Reminded me a little of the set up in Connie Willis’ book ‘To say nothing about the dog’. (Which is a good thing, because I love that book.)

I did wonder about her ‘modern habits’: I can’t imagine what you could do while sitting on a bench that would seem anachronistic to bystanders. And later, when we learn she’s been visiting the time for half a year it just seems odder that she’s so unconfident in her ability to sit appropriately.

The sliding also threw me a bit – when she describes it, it sounds almost unbearably painful – but then she adds the thought that ‘the only thing I like about sliding…’.
To my mind ‘The only thing I like about feeling like I’ve been flayed is…’ confuses – if it’s that painful, I wouldn’t be able to look on the bright side, so it makes me wonder if the character is reporting the sensation correctly.

The last paragraph – there’s a Terry Pratchett book – I think it’s Hogfather – where anything people believe in pops into existence. So when you use the phrase ‘if you’ve thought of it, it lives in Steamside’, I automatically pull that reference from my head and populate Steamside with Pratchett’s sock monster and verucca gnome. I start wondering if the tooth fairy, Thor and Jane Eyre live there. Works against the tone of the paragraph. That might just be me.

Thing is, you could nitpick away at any first page – I read someone do a word-by-word review of the first page of Kostova’s The Historian, and he pointed out so many faults – none of which I’d noticed when I read the book.

I’d absolutely read on – if it gets very gory with the paranormal stuff that wouldn’t be my sort of book – but as far as the excerpt goes, it left me wanting to know more.

I went back and read. Wow, Ciar! I should have guessed, since I enjoy your books! I decided to comment on this because it has enormous potential. And yes, I’d read on.

Once I read that, you had me hooked and I would have read on. Knowing the heroine *is* from 2008 might have made my reading experience less confused, as I was with everyone else thinking her prose from 1890 was way too modern.

I love this setting, ever since Doc Brown showed up in his steam-punky flying train after Marty came “back to the future” in the third movie. The whole concept is fascinating to me. I really think you’re on to a unique idea, even if it does need a few tweaks.

If you want to read excellent, and I mean excellent, first person prose, you should pick up the Harry Dresden novels. I’m not just saying that because Jim Butcher is popular nowadays, but because the way he writes makes me so envious. Choppy sentences and cliches are to be expected in first person, because that’s how you think, really.

One thing I noticed about the last few sentences that threw me is you’re talking to the reader. If you’re going to do that, great! But make sure it’s a flavor that’s felt throughout the entire book. If that’s not what you’re going for, then you’ll have to rephrase those sentences to read that every-day people are responsible for the things in Steamside, not the proverbial “you”.

Keep with it, though. I’d read more. :)

I agree with previos posts about mechanics and stylistic elements, but I wouldn’t change too much. Pretty cool. :)

So, it’s a woman, she’s from 2008, and she’s stuck in a dual 1890 (the reasons become clear to the reader right after this page). 1890 (and every year, for that matter) is cracked into two dimensions, and the Punks have a mission to mend that crack. Her park bench faces Central Park in New York City. It is a romance, and the Man is already crazy about her, although she doesn’t know that.

I can’t thank you all enough for your honesty, which I don’t think would have come in spades if I’d have identified myself. This has been the hardest thing I ever attempted, and I now understand some of the issues that are making it difficult.