Dear Ms. Amber:
Once upon a time, my so called friend, Sarah, sent me a book to read. She had told me some bare details about it that raised my eyebrows and I started to read it when I received the book but it wasn’t intriguing enough to continue so I put it aside. But, it was laying on the top of the TBR pile, taunting me so last Friday I picked it up.
Nicholas is an Italian lord and vineyard owner who happens to be one of the three Satyrs that live in EarthWorld as opposed to ElseWorld. ElseWorld is where Satyrs, Faeries and who knows else frolic and fight. In EarthWorld, there appear to be humans, human-blends and Satyrs. Nicholas receives a note from the Kind of the Faeries that he, the King, had impregnated and begat three girls. Their Faerie blood is now starting to quicken and Nicholas and his two brothers must seek out these girls, marry them and continue the Satyr line. Nicholas, Lyon, and Raine divvy the girls up by geography. Nicholas’ chosen one is in Rome and off he hies to find her.
Find her he does and makes an offer to her degenerate family and she’s bundled off as his wife as quick as can be. Once on Satyr land, she is taken by Nicholas on a regular basis for as a Satyr, he cannot be without copulation for any significant period of time. Nicholas was taught by his father that there are two kinds of women: the Madonna and the Whore. You marry the Madonna, you fuck the whore. And because the wife is a precious piece of property, you don’t attempt to seduce her or pleasure her in anyway. Instead, you shove up her nightgown, stick a finger up her vagina like a “thermometer”, add some cream, and do her. “A fingertip pricked and then delved inside as though a thermometer intent on taking her temperature.” If she doesn’t like it, well, she’s the wife. Not supposed to.
The conflict in this story does not appear until the last third to a quarter of the book. Essentially the evil aunt (will address her in a bit) wants to copulate with Nick to begat heirs to continue her evil work. It’s not very well explained as to what evil work that she wants to continue because her evilness is exemplified by the fact she has lesbian orgies but is bisexual in the choice of rape victims she chooses for her orgies.
I’ve long bemoaned the use of villain sex to show the reader how truly putrid a villain is. In this case, not only is it used, but it is overused. Not only does the evil aunt have sex with her stepbrother, but she does so calling him brother to emphasize the incestual nature of it. (Why they weren’t blood related makes no sense to me). Show ▼
Yep, super sexay.
What’s this about magical dildoes you say? Well, the hero has a great collection of them. One prized example is an old magical beast whose magic is still alive in the wang because it vibrates. Oh, and the only way you get a magical vibrating wang is to wait for the ancient beast to die of natural causes. I know you readers think I am making this up, but I promise you that it’s all true.
Part of me wondered if this was written by a man, no matter what the biography states. After all, so much of the book read like male wish fulfillment. Nicholas is a shapeshifter of sorts. Once a month he has the Calling wherein a second penis springs from his pelvis. During the night of the Calling, Nicholas is wracked with lust. Fortunately, he and his brothers can summon women out of mist, called Shimmerskins. These women are animated blow up dolls. Nicholas even has one that he can summon from a mirror in his bedroom. But sometimes misty women are not enough and Nicholas has to seek succor from brothels. Usually he needs two women at time, even when he only has one dick. For his wife, though, he enjoys carnal relations only with the help of first cream and then drugs.
Jane, of course, is a half blood Faerie which is why Nicholas seeks her out in the first place. She knows she’s different (although the reader doesn’t really KNOW until later in the book but at least she doesn’t have a second shape or different appendages, those all belong to Nick). She’s afraid that her differences will disgust Nick and that she’ll lose her home and possibly a home for her sister Emma. One of Jane’s abilities is to heal the land and make things grow. Convenient that she is now a vineyard owner’s wife, particularly when the vineyard owner’s life depends upon the health of the vines.
This is an Aphrodisia book and the warning on the back tells the reader that is sexy. But I have to confess I spent most of my reading experience with my legs crossed. Dildos that are actually penii cut off from real live beasts? The penis and vaginas are sentient beings. The sex organs are described as “the grudging slit“, “the dutiful netherlips“, “His satiated shaft hung in smug relaxation” and this, one of my favorite descriptions: “Her channel spasmed on it suddenly, gripping, releasing, gripping, releasing—like a nursing mouth.”
And then . . .Show ▼
The prose is purple, the storyline is flat with little movement. There is no character arc. There is no connection between the characters. If this is a love story, my copy was missing those pages that described it. If it was a hot and sexy read, then I’m going to have to become an inspirational reader. I debated not finishing it because it was so boring at one point. I fell asleep after reading about the magical dildos and then when I did soldier on I was treated to the horrible rape scene (which was depicted as almost some kind of strange normalcy because the heroine is not affected in any way and does not even address it after it happens) and the Sharing scene (where the heroine is drugged, yet again, so that her brothers in law can make her “safe” by sharing their “brotherly semen” with her). I wished I had left the book in the middle. I would have been less scarred. F.
Best regards
Jane
This book can be purchased in mass market from Amazon or Powells or ebook format.
So did I misunderstand that in essence Nicholas was actually married to his own daughter??? Never mind all the other things you described…I couldn’t get passed that piece of the “story” I know this is fantasy…but come on..this isn’t the kind of fantasy I want to read about. ewwwww I just can’t see a publisher looking through their slush pile of entries and picking this one up and saying…uhmmm, I gotta a winner here for sure!!! Keri
Remember how I asked to read this book after you finished? Um, why don’t you donate it to the Salvation Army or some library?
unidentified serpentine instrument??? And who would have thought a hermy heroine in Raine now sounds tame? LOL
Sorry, no, I did not mean that Nicholas married his own daughter. He married the daughter of the King of ElseWorld.
Yipes.
Just reading the review makes me want to dry clean my eyes. Can’t imagine the whole book.
Ohhh, ok boy did I misunderstand, however it doesn’t change my opinion on iota on the book. Although the cover is somewhat sexy.
I suddenly have this irresistible urge to read his book.
Although speaking as someone who loves reading f/f, it galls that, yet again, being a lesbian is trotted out as sign of the true and unrepentant evil of the villainess.
OK, somewhere in all that I threw up a tad. Must go clean up the mess. Methinks it was the ass snake. Although, could it have been a case of “I’m in ur ass, savin’ your life”??
Lizzy, please pass the eyeball dry cleaning kit.
Saw it in Borders last week – debated on purchasing it, and then thought to check the local library to see if they had it. They did and I picked it up on Friday – Thank you for saving me a waste of time, I’ll be sending it back to the library this week :)
That is horrifying.
It’s a Snake in the Ass instead of Snake in the Grass.
The really sad part is that this book will probably sell like hotcakes. *sigh*
Amber must like the phrase- “Incest is best, put your sister to the test”?
Did the vines enjoy the ass also?
For that, you deserve thanks. Thanks for suffering through the garbage, so we won’t have to.
This is the book my husband likes to pick up and read aloud to me in funny voices while we’re at Borders.
It ain’t worth shit for romance reading, but it makes for some damn good comedy.
This is one of those books you pass along to your most conservative friend as a gag gift. :)
Well if you enjoyed this one, you’ll REALLY enjoy Raine ;) It was sooo much fun I couldn’t even finish it. What’s even better is that I tried returning the books and they wouldn’t take them back. Maybe I’ll take JenB’s advice and spread the love.
I read it, during my “what’s up with the menages?” phase. It was truly ass-tastic. I kept thinking “why isn’t she enjoying the sex?” but I’m thinking now that that was used as a ploy to “grow the character”…
I’m a little scarred, as well, and that put an end to that phase with a squicked-out finality. But the covers are some hard-core Man-Meat, eh?
Anyone else notice that DAM gave it a five-star review at Amazon? I thought that was hilarious! :-)
Yikes! What a shame–the hottie on the front looked so appealing!!!
“I’ve had it with these mother!@#$ing snakes up my mother%^&*ing ass!”
You know, there was an excerpt of this book in the back of an Aphrodisia book I just finished not too long ago. I almost decided to seek it out, because I remember reading some shocked reviews of the second book in this series. But I think I’ll just save myself the trouble and bathe in acid now.
[...] Was just reading this review over on Dear Author of a book that just the review alone is causing readers to want to dry-clean their eyeballs. At [...]
Shannon, as someone who read the second book (at least halfway through), I can only say, don’t read it, it gets WORSE. YEP.
I’ve been following your reactions to this book in twitter (lol), wasn’t sure you were going to do a proper review. :-P.
LMAO @ Julia Spencer-Fleming!!
I feel so dirty after reading this review. I think I’ll go shower now to rid the filth.
Your “twitter” review(s) over the weekend were totally hysterical. I would read them aloud to my CP’s while we were writing this weekend. Can we look forward to “Raine” or “Lyon”?
If only this review had been available before I read the book, it could have saved me a lot of grief. If there’s any consoliation, at least I didn’t spend my own money on it.
This was the funniest line in the whole review.
I admit to some morbid curiosity about Raine and how Amber will top THE SEEKER and the hermy heroine but I don’t want to pay for the books.
What *is* the appeal of a book like this? Seriously. What’s the draw?
I like to imagine that this kind of stuff appeals to repressed goody-goodies that think it’s cool to read something “naughty” and controversial. Kinda like how we thought Flowers in the Attic was hot when we were 13 (we could overlook the incest ’cause, you know, they were, like, HAVING SEX, dude).
I bet if we bought all those repressed goody-goodies a good vibrator they’d no longer see the need to read this goofy stuff. They even make forked ones. Roarrrr.
Furry mens with ass snakes? Jayzus!
Thanks for taking one for the team. I’d have wanted to scrub clean in the shower with steel wool after reading that.
I have these two books, Raine and Nicholas, on my TBR list through a book rental site and thought they would be somewhat decent reads (the covers helped). Now, that I have read the review…I think I’ll keep them, but I’ll have a few drinks beforehand. Maybe the book will be hilarious if I’m too loaded to truly understand the horror! How do things like this get published?
I realize I’m in the minority in this crowd, but I actually loved this book, as well as the other two in the series.
I read NICHOLAS as a judge for a certain annual awards which shall remain nameless, and this book ended up winning in its category. I probably would never have read it otherwise, but I’m glad I did.
I’m generally not much into the uber kinky, and I suppose I really appreciated Amber’s style because by the end of NICHOLAS, I didn’t think her Out There topics were all that Out There, anymore.
That being said, I certainly understand how the book isn’t for everyone. Just goes to show how subjective reading tastes are.
This is hilarious, in a scary way. Magical dildos lol.
I forgot to report how much I disliked that the setting was in Italy because the heroine spoke cockney-Italian:
and the young men of Italy are referred to as young Italian bucks:
Of course, maybe there is a cockney-Italian blend and “bucks” was a universally used word to describe young society men.
No. No, there’s no such thing as cockney-Italian. The idea makes my eardrums hurt.
PS. How do I find people on twitter? I just signed up tonight, thought I was doing a search, and I think I accidentally sent you an email invite, Jane. Sorry!
Kayleigh – You can’t be the minority in other places. On Fictionwise, she has a great rating and on Amazon too. So she’s obviously got her fans.
No problems Lorelie. You kind of have to know what their name is, but when you go to someone’s twitter site you can see who they follow and who follows them and find people that way.
I’m still wondering how netherlips can be dutiful. Can you tell ‘em, like, “Okay, Netherlips, time to scrub the bathtub,” and they just sort of detach themselves, grab a canister of Ajax, and go to town on the porcelain?
*dies at the above comment*
Cockney-Italian? My grandmother just turned over in her grave.
The divergent reviews just goes to show how subjective this whole business of book reviewing is…clearly, Ms. Amber has hit some buttons.
K.Z., if that’s the case, then let them know I have a stack of ironing and also vacuuming to do. Oh, and, Netherlips, the litterbox needs cleaning. Thanks!
I wish!! bwahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Now y’all have to visualize them performing these tasks! If that ain’t some sci fi material . . .
The comments are as great as the review itself. If I’d been drinking anything, I’d need a new laptop after reading the Snakes on a Plane dialogue.
As it is, I need bleach to scrub my brain clean. Note to self – when review contains parts that say “Hide”, better just leave them be. Someday I’ll learn…
Oh, God, do I have to?
Why do I picture some little mustachioed guy running around, talking with a foreign accent?
I’m thinking more Pepe Le Poo, or Pepita La Pudendum
The Twitter blog,this review and subsequent comments are much better than the book. I was tossing up whether to buy it or not and went on to the Amazon site and read the reviews. I must say I am now very suspicious of the veracity of the reviewers – alternatively, they were reading another book… There was no character development, Nick was one-dimensional, Jane only slightly better (one.1 dimensional??) and the villainous sex scenes – had a bit of sick in the back of my throat there. Yuk!. Also, Jane is horrendously abused by the Evil Auntie and her coven and there is just NO trauma from it – WTF?
I’ve read that the 2nd book features a hermaphrodite and I must admit I’m curious (much the same way as one is curious about a train wreck) to see what horrors Ms. Amber can come up with with 3 penises! Frankly, I think I’d rather Jane read it and then I could have a could laugh at the review without wasting another $20.
The second book fascinates me in the same sick way watching a train wreck does – what will Ms. Amber do with 3(!!) penises!!!
I soooo wasted my money on this book. I don’t mind a bit of scorching sex (although that was missing here too) but I do require a relationship and I must like the characters. Nicholas was so one dimensional and I didn’t like what I did know of him.
I also hated that the rape issue was just glossed over – like no trauma AT ALL from being gang raped by 3(4?) women – with implements – all within the hearing of her 13 yo sister? WTF?
Following on Twitter, the review and the comments have been much more satisfying than the actual book. So funny. I mean – “brotherly semen?” – Bwahaha.
Jane, can you please review the other 2 books so we can have another good laugh???
Amber is setting a new standard in erotic. Netherlips and cumslits oh my!
Of course I must also mention the double peni heroes.
All I can imagine is the smiling scrubbing bubbles…
Unidentified Serpentine Instrument? The man has an actual trouser snake?
I hadn’t heard about this book, and will now definitely avoid it if it crosses my path. Oh my.
Sometimes books like this scare me because of what they represent about the industry’s “growth”. I know that what used to be kinky is now vanilla and what used to be vanilla is now in YA fiction. But if this is how far erotic romance authors have to push the netherlipped envelope in order to sell, I might as well quit now and concentrate on nonfiction.
Well for anyone that wants to read Nicholas or Raine, I own a copy of each. The first to email me can borrow. I’m in NY, but will mail the books. Raine is even more outrageous. It’s sick to know I’ll probably buy Lyon as well.
Quoting Jane’s comment, “She’s always got her fans”…
I’m sure she does. Porn will always have its fans.
What I find amusing is that you can read exactly the same thing, a lot of it as well or better written, for free at alt.sex.stories and plenty of other places online. I’m not sure I see the point in paying good money for this book, under the circumstances.
Classic.
All this ridiculous over-sex in Aphrodisia…It’s like when the writers of NYPD Blue finally got the green light to use the word Fuck. From then on, every character who could speak said it as often as humanly possible. Now that Kensington gave the green light to erotica, we’re getting it up the ass left and right.
None of the Aphrodisia I’ve read has any real story to it, little characterization and a fuck load of sex that does nothing for me.
A few years ago I read an Emma Holly Black Lace. Woo hooo…Anyways, after that I bought a bunch of Black Lace books. As I learned buying Harl.Presents, Sil.Int.Moments etc, each line is going to have some strong writers, that I enjoy the way they write a scene and some writers that will NOT do the same. Plot development, characters I like or understand or respect, problems I can see as problems, etc.
This book sounds like it is trying to be in a category that is newish, and doesn’t hit the above sentence criteria.
Sci-Fi and paranormal by thier very nature have to have something I can agree to. I can’t remember which author it was or maybe even a reviewer. In those categories there should be “rules” to the world, and the book needs to follow that world’s rules. This books sounds like a bizarre mix of bad world rules, nasty people you can’t like / respect / love, and funky sex.
But I could be missing the point! Thanks Jane for reviewing.
BTW, I noticed some people were sad because this book has a great cover. I am one that doesn’t use the cover to decide on a book ever. Nor have I read a glowing comment by an author and thought: “Gotta have it.”
Nor have I been sad a book didn’t match a cover or a cover didn’t match a book. I think I learned this lesson back in my early reading of SIMoments; it could have been Nora R. or Linda H.; they totally had the wrong hair and body shape for the heroine. After that, I thought:”pffft on cover art.” I do like it on occasion and appreciate a pretty one. But I don’t buy on it!
SusanB
I’ve been mentally scarred by fanfiction before, but never a review. I can’t imagine what kind of gibbering mess I’d be if I actually read the book.
Jody FWIW there’s a wide variety of erotic romance styles and heat levels in Aphro even amongst an editor’s own authors (Elizabeth and I have the same editor)…so don’t quit yet :)
And I HIGHLY recommend Amie’s May release, NAILED. It’s got great characters, excellent storytelling, and solid, down-to-earth (but still hot) sex.
Just sayin’
Jane, your review is right on, unless there is a grade lower than F. I purchased both Nicholas and Raine based on the reviews (I know, I know, but in my defense, it was before the DAM mess). I read Nicholas and thought there is no way Raine can be this bad. WRONG! Raine was too weird to be believed and the writing definitely did not improve. The two books are currently buried in a bag in my garage to be taken to the library for a used book sale (I really don’t hate my library, but I don’t want the books and after spending the money I didn’t want to just throw them away or burn them – my first choice).
I won’t be buying the third in the series. I just hope the mental scarring caused by reading these two gems will eventually fade away without medical intervention.
ROFLMFAO at this review. Thanks so much for the heads up! This sounds like everything that bugs me about paranormal romance!
Hey Kitty, don’t slam ALL paranormal romance! :D This is just the Aphrodiasia paranormal romance! Or this particular one. This one sounds like porn, sorry, not romance. This is what’s wrong with the hot and heavy influx of erotic. Actually, this really isn’t erotic is it? I’m thinking this is what erotic gets accused of being – porn. I’ve read paranormal romance that doesn’t rely on sex as a plot point. Although, I will agree that the majority of both paranormal and urban fantasy published nowadays does seem to gravitate toward that. I’m traveling right now, but if you’d like a list of some good paranormal romances without the reliance on sex, let me know and I’ll send you recommendations. As I’m sure others can. :D
goddamn it, i was eating cottage cheese when I read this. THANKS A LOT, Jane.
[...] This F review of Nicholas by Elizabeth Amber, is the kind of snarkfree, yet amusing negative review you often find at Dear [...]
I find myself oddly compelled to go buy and read it now, you know how if someone hurts themself you just have to look, even if its gross and you shouldnt want to look but you cant help it…
I actually thought Nicholas was a good book. While reading it, I began to think that the author was a man, using the Pseudonym, Elizabeth Amber. I thought this because most of the graphic sexual language in the book seemed like things a homosexual would like or a perverted person.
The subsequent books, Raine and Lyon were so poorly written that I couldn’t believe the same person wrote Nicholas. The characters are weak and the sex is so bizzare until it was scary.
Why is she writing another book in this series when the last 2 books are garbage without any depth whatsoever.
She should take a page from Lora Leigh’s Breed books series…..that woman can write.