Agreed. It isn’t like it’s the hero chanting.

That would be interesting. I’d be interested to see if any author could pull that off and redeem a hero who starts out like THAT. :D

IMO, the whole purpose of the opening line is to convey the disgust and out-of-placeness the heroine feels. So if readers are recoiling, that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

Agreed. It isn’t like it’s the hero chanting.

The thing is (and this is directed toward the writer), if half the readers here hate the first line, and half either love it or don’t care, it’s a wash. Not to discount individual reader reaction ;-), but outside personal taste shouldn’t drive a writer’s choices. In any case, the ultimate decision remains with the editor who buys your book (and no editor is going to categorically reject something based on one line), since she knows what that imprint’s readership will generally accept or not.

Much more important are the general comments — of needing to strengthen the characterization right out of the gate, to give the prose more punch. That done, then you decide which editors/houses are the best fit for the work as it stands (after rewrites, of course). The value of presenting your page in an open venue like this is in being able to get a consensus of what works and what still needs work. But at every stage of the process — either pre- or post-publication — you’re going to run into differing opinions. The trick is in learning to pick which of those resonate with your own vision for the book, and which ones don’t. :)

Can you please not start a story with the milk bags?

Ironic to complain about ‘tits’ by using a much more disgusting term. Was this really necessary?

Then you lost me with all the sweater business and the infodump on the not-Mardis Gras.

The people who are saying you don’t have to hook right in with action are right but there still does need to be some kind of hook on this page- a character, an emotion- something that I didn’t get from this.

Just FYI.

Can you please not start a story with the milk bags? Kthx.

And Leah, you could try Evil Editor for your query letter. He does query face-lifts, writing exercises and opening pages–with a humorous twist. And he’ll take any genre.