Comments on: First Page: Unnamed Urban Fantasy

By: Aaron Paul Lazar

Aaron Paul Lazar — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 00:31:42 +0000

Although I must admit I am a die hard fan of this author’s previous work, the start of this new book captivated me. S.W.’s style has always been strong, well paced, and inevitably draws me in from the start. I don’t normally read urban fantasy, but I become quickly hooked to all S.W.’s stories. (I’m a mystery reader/writer)

For the record, I didn’t notice the opening line, nor the excessive Asa use. The fingernail polish comment nailed Cyn’s gender. But I loved the mysteries that were offered - Who’s the Family? Why do they trust and want Cyn to translate? Who the hell is this dreaded Princess? Loved the interplay between Cyn and Asa. The dialog is natural and tight, as I’ve come to expect from this writer. And I must say - don’t be too jealous now - I got to read chapter two. ;o) It only gets better from here.

By: Susan/DC

Susan/DC — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 01:02:23 +0000

Me too — this is the first of the Saturday submissions that I’ve found intriguing. It may resemble the early Anita Blake stories, but the author has her own voice, and that’s what counts. In a page she’s managed to establish three characters: Cyn, Asa, and even Lupe. Cyn is cranky, focused, and possessed of a special ability that she clearly views as more curse than blessing. The author has managed to show us these qualities in this brief conversation and so doesn’t have to tell us this about her protagonist. Good work.

By: LizJ

LizJ — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 00:34:05 +0000

This might be the only “first page” that I’ve read all the way through. I liked the tone and the set up…but “the Family” and especially “the princess” bothered me — too stereotypical IMO. Especially “the princess.” My mind goes to Princess Bride, Princes Lea, etc. All in all, I would likely at least pick this book up at the bookstore and consider purchasing it.

By: Tae

Tae — Sun, 27 Jul 2008 14:17:05 +0000

This is the first first page that I’ve read. I’ve looked over everyone’s comments and I agree with one of the Lauras that a lot of information is hidden in the text. Maybe I’ve just read a lot of paranormals. I’m intrigued. I’m guessing Cyn is not human, hence the humans not learning “her” language.
I was also thrown by the first sentence, but not enough to stop reading.
I hope you’re far enough along with this novel that it may come out soon.

By: Melissa

Melissa — Sun, 27 Jul 2008 06:39:29 +0000

I agree with Tracey, I immediately saw a similarity to the Anita Blake series (early Anita Blake that is) but I definitely liked it and I would love to read more. Good luck getting published.

By: she-who-wrote-this (again)

she-who-wrote-this (again) — Sun, 27 Jul 2008 04:56:30 +0000

Wow - thank you, everyone, for the wonderful comments! I’m so happy that so many seem to like this first page. Absolutely thrilled, really. And the nits help a lot!

LOL I assure you, there is nary a werewolf to be found in this story. Nor is there a vampire. The Family is Fae (fairies, but not the little cute winged kind - the tall, preternaturally beautiful and rather predatory kind). :-)

By: KB

KB — Sun, 27 Jul 2008 01:22:20 +0000

This was great, I really enjoyed it and wanted to see more. It is so interesting to me how we all read it a little bit differently. I did not notice the problem with the first line, or the repetition of Asa’s name. I read Lupe to be a latina, not a werewolf.

The only part that threw me out and made me go back and re-read, like Val and Diana, was the 9th paragraph. I kept trying to get it to make more sense, and even though I knew it would become clear later, it annoyed me. Also, as Moth pointed out, I assumed that “far more occasional” was not really what you meant to say.

By: Kat

Kat — Sun, 27 Jul 2008 00:00:52 +0000

I really like it, and I’m usually cranky about first pages. I did notice the first line discrepancy. Didn’t notice the overuse of “Asa”, and that’s usually one of my pet peeves, so it worked for me. I like that it doesn’t have too many insights into her thoughts or motivations. It’s only the first page, after all. I don’t really care about her motivations at this point. I like that the prose is lean without being brusque. And I like that the author is subtle, raising questions without falling into the temptation of answering them straight away. The last line is slightly anticlimactic for me, though. Not really sure why I should care about the princess. Maybe a quick internal reaction from the narrator would do it (e.g. “Oh, crap.”). But overall, since this is the first time I’ve wanted to comment on a First Page post, I’d say it definitely hooked me in.

By: Kris Kennedy

Kris Kennedy — Sat, 26 Jul 2008 23:23:37 +0000

I loved this, and I am definitely a hard-sell for 1st person. It has to be great, or I keep noticing the 1st person-ness of it. But this totally pulled me in.

I LOVE how you just dove into it. I didn’t need any more set-up than what you gave. I got it all. Nicely done!

I see what others have mentioned about the repetition of Asa’s name, but it didn’t bother me. It was invisible to me, just kept me oriented.

I personally don’t mind the POV inconsistencies very much (ex: how can she tell Asa has a pinched expression if she’s not looking at him), but that’s certainly just one opinion. It does drive some people nuts, so you may want to consider addressing it. (Just please don’t lose your voice ‘neaten-ing’ things up!!)

I do see the point about reader distance from Cyn. I did not mind it here in the opening, but as time went on, I’d certainly want to feel like I was in her POV more deeply, at least with a line here or there to reveal her inner workings.

Well-done!

By: Moth

Moth — Sat, 26 Jul 2008 21:51:12 +0000

This is definitely my favorite first page on query sat so far. It has voice. I feel like I got a sense of her character-the nail polish, the plant- nice subtle touches. The dialogue is good and the writing, aside from certain nitpicky problems was tight and well-done.

I agreed with the above commenter who said they weren’t too thrilled with the talking heads, though. This doesn’t feel like an opening page. It feels more like what would come after the opening scene. I’m not an advocate of every book starting with an action scene but this just seems an odd place to start. I’m guessing your book- with the polie and fantasy elements- will probably have a fair amount of action scenes so maybe in this case a big bang would be the better place to start. That being said, I definitely would have kept reading after this first page, talking heads or not.

Oh, and here’s my own nitpick: “the demand had been far more occasional than I liked” this reads to me like her translating services are being required less often, not more. Maybe I’m just missing something since no one else commented on this, though.

Best of luck! You seem to be on the right track. :D