Comments on: Query: His Wife, the Enemy

By: wandergurl

wandergurl — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 00:47:47 +0000

I agree with the commenter who said that it had too many adjectives and I think that the dude with the hand that torments and soothes is just a little bit too strange.

But I would so still read it.

By: Evangeline

Evangeline — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 22:48:48 +0000

*GGG* Thanks for the feedback everyone. What I’ve concluded from the responses is that a) snappy writing and b) there is no need to be mysterious or coy about plot elements. Regarding the historical inaccuracy thing, Sophie is not adopted in the modern sense of the word. She is an impostor passed off as the offspring of the Count’s long-dead sister and her husband.

By: Julia Sullivan

Julia Sullivan — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 21:30:37 +0000

Fix the historical errors. Write a more streamlined query. Then you’re golden in my book–I love the characters, and I love all “marriage of convenience” plots.

By: Gail Dayton

Gail Dayton — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 19:34:52 +0000

Late, as usual, but this sounded like a really interesting book. I would totally read it. Yeah, tightening it up and clarifying plot elements would probably help, (Pretty much everything in the universe can be helped by that sort of thing.) BUT it’s a query. There’s at least one blogging agent who says that queries/pitches Ought to sound like back cover copy, at least a little bit. I think some of the crits are nit-picky. But this is a place for picking nits, I guess. My point–it sounds like a really good story. Interesting enough to take a look at, IMO. (For what that’s worth.)

By: Leah

Leah — Sun, 20 Jul 2008 18:11:07 +0000

Oh, see, no one said that. Everyone sucks at queries–that’s why there’s so much blog, book, and magazine space devoted to them. If you notice, everyone gets some very honest criticism when they submit their queries or first pages here. I sent in a first page, one which I’d written and rewritten several times and was pretty happy with. I got poor marks for verbosity (which I’d expected) and info-dumping, which was a beginner’s problem I was not really aware of. I’ve since rewritten that thing two more times, and it was amazing what I could get rid of. It’s just the nature of the business. I expect even a very successful author could post a rough draft here and get plenty of virtual red ink. I hope that you are not discouraged–your idea is a good one, and you actually received some very good and supportive comments!

By: On Verbosity « Evangeline Holland

On Verbosity « Evangeline Holland — Sun, 20 Jul 2008 15:29:48 +0000

[...] Tags: feedback, queries, trouble, writing Ack. The query I sent to Dear Author for their Query Saturday is up and the results are in: I officially suck at writing queries, and writing queries for romance [...]

By: Maya Reynolds

Maya Reynolds — Sun, 20 Jul 2008 01:49:45 +0000

I liked the title, I liked the concept. I liked the historical setting. The story vaguely reminded me of The Scarlet Pimpernel, one of my favorite romances when I was a teen.

Like many others, I found the query way too busy and confusing.

I had a “huh?” moment when Robert returns to his camp and “discovers her treachery in the most brutal and fatal way.” First, it sounds like she’s been at his camp ahead of him, which is very confusing and, second, “in the most brutal and fatal way” is overwrought and overwritten.

You’ve got a good idea. Now boil it down to its essence. You’re giving us too many details and way too many adjectives. What we need is to understand your lead characters’ internal and external goals and the basic conflict of the book. Leave out all the other characters and focus on interesting us in Sophie and Robert.

And as an aside, go through your manuscript again. Make sure your novel isn’t cluttered with too many descriptive words. One accurate descriptive word is much better than three or four.

Good luck. I’d like to see this in the bookstore one day.

By: DS

DS — Sun, 20 Jul 2008 00:42:10 +0000

Reader prospective I’d give this one a shot. Reminds me a bit of E. Phillips Oppenheim’s The Great Impersonation although it’s more the setting and the themes than the actual plot.

By: Meriam

Meriam — Sat, 19 Jul 2008 22:19:39 +0000

From a reader perspective, this sounds really interesting. Thumbs up.

By: sula

sula — Sat, 19 Jul 2008 21:10:28 +0000

I found the concept interesting and I’m a big fan of historical romance…especially if it’s set in a different locale than the usual Regency romp. But I was confused as to whether or not it would take place in South Africa (the Boer mention made me think so) or in England or both.