Comments on: First Page: Well of Souls, Site of the First Temple of Jerusalem

By: Kim

Kim — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 21:50:19 +0000

I love blog for so many reasons but you all have completely stoked me.

I’m the author and the only other reading this received from you all was my query letter, which, thanks to you, has been revised. The revised letter has been pretty successful in getting me a full request with Kensington and several partial requests from agents. I wonder if I sent them this link with all your comments if it would help? :D

No really, thank you all so much for the suggestions and especially the wonderful comments about how you liked it and would pick it up based on this first page.

I always thought my sentences were too long! :D And, the redundancy – I’ll certainly work on that. Both suggestions were helpful.

If you are interested in more, I will be posting some excerpts to my website – http://www.cassielknight.com

Thanks again Dear Author readers! You’ve made my week!

By: Gail Dayton

Gail Dayton — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 20:28:03 +0000

His grit-covered, sun-baked lips spread into a thin-lipped smile.

I know, I’m late, but I usually don’t make it here before Monday. Anyway, I kind of like this sentence. I like that smack-smack, whipcrack feel of the one-two punchy stuff. It fits the voice, IMO.

I do agree with the multiple repetitions of the enjoying of the host’s pain–a bit too much. Easy to tone down. I wouldn’t smooth it out too much, because it fits the voice. I honestly got caught up in what was going on and didn’t notice the short sentences or much of anything else. And I don’t even LIKE reading bad guy POVs. This one caught me up.

By: SonomaLass

SonomaLass — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 00:31:18 +0000

I found this excerpt intriguing, and I would definitely read on. Yes, the descriptions need to be tightened up a little, and some repetitive/redundant language taken out, but I agree with K.Z. that this piece would be fun to edit. Cutting it down without losing the character’s unique voice would be an enjoyable challenge.

Someday I hope we see this book reviewed here at DA, with the note that it was a Query Saturday feature and a link back to this discussion!

Best of luck.

By: katieM

katieM — Sun, 13 Jul 2008 03:09:37 +0000

I really liked this one. The wordiness didn’t bother me. But, this was a short excerpt. Maybe after 50 or so pages, it would begin to be tedious. I want to know when this hits shelves!

By: Bev Stephans

Bev Stephans — Sat, 12 Jul 2008 18:37:20 +0000

I agree with Erastes. It definitely is one of the best so far.

By: Jessica Barksdale Inclan

Jessica Barksdale Inclan — Sat, 12 Jul 2008 17:40:16 +0000

I liked this in many ways. It was creepy and scary, and the bad guy is a bad guy. Bad guys are hard to write, at least I find they are. They always come across as the devil (and with a name like Beliel, I would assume he’s a demon or some kind of fallen angel). But right now, in introduction mode, I’d read on to find his depth. And I want to know who will fall prey to his further badness.

I stopped at this sentence as each noun got its one-two punch:

His grit-covered, sun-baked lips spread into a thin-lipped smile.

Someone mentioned it above, but my thought would be to describe without the adjective ladden line and maybe work in the second line.

Good luck with this!

By: Tori

Tori — Sat, 12 Jul 2008 17:06:08 +0000

This is very good! I agree with what others said, that it’s a little repetative, especially about enjoying the pain he causes the host. I also agree with Ann that it might be a little too descriptive, but the descriptions you have are interesting enough that it didn’t bother me too much. Overall, this is probably the best first page I’ve read on this site. I could definitely see this as a book I’d pick up in a store.

By: Libby

Libby — Sat, 12 Jul 2008 16:25:09 +0000

Loved it! I see what people are saying about tightening the descriptions, but he obviously has a love/hate relationship with his new bodily functions, so I’d have to say that if it were me in his uh, sandals, I would take great notice of them as well. I also liked the voice quite a bit, so if it were me, I’d keep it as is. It’s perfect for the character.

Let us know when this is on the shelves! I’d definitely buy it :)

By: Erastes

Erastes — Sat, 12 Jul 2008 16:02:05 +0000

One of the best snippets we’ve had yet. I’d definitely read on.

By: Jill Sorenson

Jill Sorenson — Sat, 12 Jul 2008 15:51:06 +0000

This reminds me of the “Unconventional Urban Fantasy” first page from a few months ago. Maybe because they both start from a villain’s POV? I’d be interested to know if the two entries are from the same author. If so, it takes guts to submit not just once but twice.

The writing is good and I like the vivid descriptions. Best of luck with this.

By: Sarabeth

Sarabeth — Sat, 12 Jul 2008 15:03:18 +0000

This isn’t my type of book I usually enjoy, yet it captured my attention. I concur on tightening up the descriptions.

By: K. Z. Snow

K. Z. Snow — Sat, 12 Jul 2008 14:54:15 +0000

I’m intrigued by this, definitely. Also agree it could benefit from some tightening — descriptions get thick in places, making them a little annoying to wade through.

As an editor, I’d have fun working on this piece; it’s very gratifying to put a polish on prose that has so much promise.

Very nice. Best of luck!

By: carolyn Jean

carolyn Jean — Sat, 12 Jul 2008 14:21:48 +0000

I think this sounds really fun and I’d read on. I agree with others that it is a bit wordy and overdescribed. I agree also that you have a lot of redundancy, and that may be what people are responding to. Like, when I first read about Beliel’s enjoyment of his host’s pain, I found that amusing and interesting, but then I feel I’m being hit over the head with it. You could tighten the skin burning, too. All the extra description dilutes the power you have created. As an exercise, I’d suggest cutting this down by a third, choosing the best of the best, and then this opening would rock. But don’t lose the lowered eyelids. I loved that! Oh, I didn’t get the “God’s protection” thing. But a really nice job!

By: Carrie Lofty

Carrie Lofty — Sat, 12 Jul 2008 13:44:10 +0000

Enjoyed this. Seems fairly original. You put foward a lot of intrigue straight away, and I love the evocative descriptions. I’d keep reading.

By: Maya Reynolds

Maya Reynolds — Sat, 12 Jul 2008 13:34:02 +0000

I agree with Ann and Leah. I’m interested and would read on. You’ve got a good beginning. You get right into the story without a lot of explanation. However, you’re way too repetitive. You mentioned the demon’s pleasure in his host’s agony five times in one page. That’s overkill. Twice, maybe three times, if you do it subtly. But five is too much.

Best of luck with this.

By: Leah

Leah — Sat, 12 Jul 2008 12:30:03 +0000

I like it too (as a reader), and I’m not usually into paranormal. If I found it in a bookstore, I would be very curious to know where the story is going. I also found it to be just a tad wordy, but I expect you’ll find it an easy fix. Best of luck to you!

By: Ann Somerville

Ann Somerville — Sat, 12 Jul 2008 09:29:48 +0000

Generally,this grabbed my interest pretty well. I’d keep reading, and possibly buy it.

Specifically, I found it just a tad too overdescribed, and the abundance of short sentences became a little tiresome. If the whole novel was in that style, it would put me off. I’d advise to tail off some of the description after the first two or three paras, make it tighter. For instance:
“His grit-covered, sun-baked lips spread into a thin-lipped smile. While he embraced his host’s agony, he had another reason to feel pleasure. After centuries of searching, he finally found the Vessel.”
Could omit the entire second sentence and not lose the effect.

I don’t want to do a line by line, but that’s the kind of edit you could consider doing to up the pace just a wee bit. It’s more a case of fine-tuning some decent writing, than wholesale rewriting of sucky prose though. Good luck with it.