Do you honestly assume that the tone and tenor of this lone page — from a three-page prologue related from a bombastic antagonist’s p.o.v. — is representative not just of this novel in its entirety but of all my work?

Let’s just say that between your style of writing and your manner of conducting yourself over criticism offered in the spirit of assistance, I won’t be looking out for this novel – or anything else by you. Somehow I can’t believe someone this antagonistic towards advice could produce anything I would consider wasting eyeball space on.

And not all epubs are particularly picky about the quality of stories they’re willing to put under contract.

You know, MD, that’s a remarkably accurate observation. :)

Ann does have a point, in that if your readers aren’t getting it, it is your problem, not theirs. You shouldn’t knock your potential readers by assuming they’re not bright enough to deal with different styles of writing within genres. Your wittier-than-thou tone is a little off-putting–and, as you can see by my assumptions about you, it’s easy to assume things about a writer when you only see his comments and can’t hear his voice or see his expressions–and you know absolutely nothing else about him, not even his name. I can honestly see why Ann assumed you were a newbie.

And arrogance does not make a likeable writer, either. :) You don’t need to cast aspersions on self-pubbing. I’ve read some really remarkable self-pubbed work. Some people choose to self-pub because epubs are falling down in droves. Can you blame them? And not all epubs are particularly picky about the quality of stories they’re willing to put under contract. Are your eighteen novels published by the big houses in NYC? Just curious.

I wish you good luck with your latest effort.

The fact you have these facile explanations at your fingertips makes me wonder if this issue of overwritten and unattractive voice is something that’s been raised with you before.

Uh, actually, no.

This rather makes me think of reading “Jabberwocky” then responding with, Yo, Lew, better return your writing quill to that goose’s ass . . . because, dude, you’re a babbling idiot! Do you honestly assume that the tone and tenor of this lone page — from a three-page prologue related from a bombastic antagonist’s p.o.v. — is representative not just of this novel in its entirety but of all my work?

…you maybe should consider that it’s actually a problem for you and a barrier to getting your work accepted.

Whoops. I think it’s time to pull out the Windex and clean the old crystal ball. I’ve actually had eighteen novels and novellas accepted for publication by a number of different companies, none of which is called “Self”. Fifteen are currently available; three await release dates.

Sorry. I do hope this hasn’t made you lose all faith in the publishing industry.

I suspect some readers find it difficult to accept heterogeneity of voice in popular fiction….Deviation from the norm might throw some readers off or even alienate them.

It’s got nothing to do with genres, or publishers. It’s just what’s easy to read. You can have a completely distinctive voice that doesn’t make the reader tired or confuse them.

The fact you have these facile explanations at your fingertips makes me wonder if this issue of overwritten and unattractive voice is something that’s been raised with you before. Instead of making excuses, you maybe should consider that it’s actually a problem for you and a barrier to getting your work accepted.

Just saying, is all. If the readers aren’t getting it, it’s your problem, not theirs. They can move onto other books.

Decades ago, Mills & Boon/Harlequin seemed to strive for homogeneity in the romance genre. I suspect, but can’t be certain, that other genres have their hallmark “voices” as well (you know, a kind of workmanlike adherence to certain phraseology and cadences and images, plot tropes and characterization). Deviation from the norm might throw some readers off or even alienate them.

But, the way I see it, some characters and situations simply require a broader brush bearing gaudier paint, while others demand subtlety. And on top of these layers is, of course, the author’s own voice and vision. It’s a hell of a juggling act!

(I’m still trying to figure out my book’s similarity to Star Wars, not a single episode of which I’ve ever seen. Ah, the absorption-of-criticism process…)

I did enjoy it and, based on further information you provided, the style seems to be very much in keeping with the character of Ivan (who, mercifully, isn’t your hero).

Tightening the prose and ridding your work of excessive wordiness is always a good thing, but I hope you don’t lose your ‘voice.’

Yes, this page is from the Prologue, which is only a hair over three pages long. Yes, it’s in Ivan’s voice — or maybe I should say, in a tone that suits his personality. He’s definitely not the hero. The scene takes place in his apartment. (Later though, Ilona, there is some of the necromantic atmosphere you suggested. In fact, there’s quite a bit of sensory detail, relating to all kinds of situations, throughout the novel.)

Ivan is blustery, pompous, and profane. Bitterly envious, too. He’s a wannabe-magus embroiled in a rivalry, largely of his own making, with the wizard he mentions. As it turns out, Ivan is quite the clueless bumbler — definitely not a standard villain — and not in control as much as he would like to think. (The fact you smiled once in a while, Meriam, was an appropriate reaction to him. Dude is pretty much a big blowhard.) Bothu, the ashen-faced and jaundiced necromancer, is just plain creepy. He’s the one who “secured” the Prism and sold it to Ivan.

Yes, Jackson is the hero, and his pov takes over beginning with Chapter One. His is a considerably more modest and straightforward voice. His male lover, who’s introduced later, evolves into something of a co-hero. So this is indeed a romance, and one that gets quite intense at times. There’s also [gasp] s-e-x in the book. It, too, is intense but neither frequent nor gratuitous.

The Prism of Nezrabi is at the center of the story. Sorry, but I couldn’t cough up all its secrets in the first page. At this very early stage in the story, an outside-looking-in description seemed to suffice.

You’ve all given me a lot to think about. If you have more suggestions or criticisms, please bring them on! I don’t have a crit partner, so I’m extremely grateful for the feedback.

And thank you, Jane, for this opportunity.

All the 25-cent words in the world won’t help make your writing sparkle if those words aren’t actually conveying anything.

Also, does this bit:

while the multiple hard dicks you had growing all over your body fucked the tightest pussies and asses in all the universe without the rest of you having to break a sweat. Revenge was food, drink and a chain-chain-chain of effortless, transporting orgasms…at the end of which was your own personalized paradise, infinite and eternal.

Deliberately jump into 2nd person? Because it totally confused me. I didn’t get the POV switch and I didn’t get what it’s supposed to mean either (at least the first bit.)

You’re not a bad writer, but you need to trust in yourself more and tone down the gimmicks.

The multiple dicks line threw me off. If this is the hero, multiple penises will be a problem as most women have hard time getting excited about a penis-studded mutant.

Also, you’re missing a bit of sensory detail. Your descriptions are good, but only visual. There are no scents, sounds, or tactile perceptions. The opening is the part where you typically smack the reader in the face with “Look! Magic!”, so there probably should be some otherworldly ambiance to the scene.

The prism, is it magic? Are there currents of power within it? Does he sense them? Does it feel him with dread when he touches it? Is there a tiny sharp spark of power that pierces his fingertips when he brushes one of the gem stones? Does he sense the dormant power? He is in the necromancer’s apartment or his own? If he is in the necromancer’s apartment, are there other weird objects exuding power? Does he smell incense burning mixing with the stench of formaldehyde and the sticky, sweet aftertaste of putrid flesh, rotting in the necromancer’s work room?

Do you see what I am saying? Submerge the reader into the world.

I liked the character’s voice. I loved this line: “Wonderful big glob of magical whup-ass glass.” And if I picked up this book in a store, flipped to the above first page, and read it, I would definitely plunk down my cash to take it home.

The paragraph about revenge confuses…does Ivan *want* dicks all over this body? He wants to fuck multiple pussies and asses and drink fine wine and eat chocolate? I don’t get that paragraph at all…and it is NOT the language that’s bothering me. I don’t understand if he wants this (and if so, why? He certainly can’t be the hero at this point) or if he wants to subject this on someone else, which makes no sense.

I like Gennita’s suggestion, too. Great way to fix the initial opening, but you need a bit more. The writing style would put me off. I don’t want to work that hard when I’m reading. Less is more.

While I might enjoy the premise, I don’t think I could read this as is, sorry.

Oh, to the person who asked, a necromancer is a wizard whose magic involves the dead.

Is revenge sweet? In this case, the cliché was a gross understatement. In this case, revenge was reclining on a yacht in the Mediterranean, eating the finest chocolate and sipping the finest wine, while the multiple hard dicks you had growing all over your body fucked the tightest pussies and asses in all the universe without the rest of you having to break a sweat. Revenge was food, drink and a chain-chain-chain of effortless, transporting orgasms…at the end of which was your own personalized paradise, infinite and eternal.

Oh, yeah. Jackson Spey was gonna get it. But good.

You set the tone immediately. Then perhaps, the second paragraph can be used after this:

Smiling, Ivan Kurtz, magus, ruminated further as he gazed at the eldritch thing on his black lacquered cocktail table. Nice find, the Prism of Nezrabi. Wonderful big glob of magical whup-ass glass. The sight nearly made him salivate. It had taken four years and a hurtful bundle of money to secure the perfect deliverer of payback, but the wait and expense would soon be worth it

This beginning introduces your first character, his motivation, and the smoking gun.

Thank you for letting me tinker with your story. I think, depending on genre, you have a good setup page here. Just so you know, my first impression is that this is the prologue/bad guy POV. Jackson Spey sounds more like a hero’s name.