Comments on: Query No. “Repeating History”

By: Leah

Leah — Sun, 04 May 2008 19:53:45 +0000

I’m just a reader, so I have no query expertise–but if I saw this on the back of a book jacket, I would SO buy it! Hope to see it out on the shelves one day!

By: Janine

Janine — Sat, 03 May 2008 20:54:32 +0000

I’m intrigued too, though I’d also like to know a bit more.

Chuck is from eighty years in the future.

When I first read this line, I wasn’t sure if Chuck is from eighty years from now (2088), or if he is from eighty years after 1877 (1957). I’m still not certain, though since other futuristic elements aren’t mentioned in the query, I suspect it’s 1957. Still, I think it would be good to clarify.

ETA: I really like the title Repeating History.

By: Jill Sorenson

Jill Sorenson — Sat, 03 May 2008 20:22:56 +0000

Most of the queries we’ve seen here have been too long. I agree with those who say this one is a tad too brief. But maybe I don’t know how to grade a non-romance query, because what I’m really missing is mention of a love interest!

At the very least, we need to know who the villain is. Don’t we? If the Nez Perce Indians are the antagonists, I’d be interested as long as your depiction of this culture is well-researched and non-stereotypical.

By: Jessica Barksdale Inclan

Jessica Barksdale Inclan — Sat, 03 May 2008 19:39:59 +0000

This was the quickest query I’ve read in a month of Sundays. While I dig a good time travel, I was in want of some additional information. I need more details. About four sentences worth. You say this is a fantasy adventure. But what or who is Chuck going to have to deal with. Some terrible angry force? Is there a woman that chuck (really, Chuck? I went right to Charlie Brown)is going to hook up with? Is she a Nez Pierce tribal gal? A tourist? Who? What is the big issue Chuck has to battle against?

And who are you? Do you want to mention anything here?

Jessica Inclan

By: Jenyfer Matthews

Jenyfer Matthews — Sat, 03 May 2008 19:35:36 +0000

I like the premise and find it interesting, but the letter is too brief. At the very least you need to add a little personal information about yourself and what your background in writing is, whether this is your first completed novel or tenth, etc.

By: Tracey

Tracey — Sat, 03 May 2008 19:15:29 +0000

I'm really interested in this. It hooked me immediately. The description is short, sharp, intriguing and to the point. I'd definitely want to read it. I checked to see if Yellowstone National Park was open at that point. I was surprised to find out that it was.

By: Diana Pharaoh Francis

Diana Pharaoh Francis — Sat, 03 May 2008 17:19:48 +0000

I’m really interested in the storyline. Especially since I live near Yellowstone and the Big Hole Battlefield, both of which have strong Nez Perce history.

What I don’t like is your third paragraph. At this point, I want you to give a little bit more plot. What will the conflict be? Who is he a hero for? Why doesn’t he think he can? (And geological anomaly is really vague, as someone pointed out. And sort of raises Outlander in my mind since I don’t have anything more specific to hook into).

Then you need to say somewhere that the manuscript is complete, and offer to send a partial or a complete manuscript. You might also want to insert something about why this agent or editor–show you know the market and this person’s work and think that your work will be a good fit for them, and that you think they will be a good fit for you.

Good luck!

By: Hanne

Hanne — Sat, 03 May 2008 15:51:45 +0000

The first sentence is confusing. I only read on because I wanted to read the whole thing and review it. When I finished, I still didn’t understand the first sentence – it begins to sound as if there is a parallel, modern-day plot.

Second paragraph – tense switch is confusing.

I do not like protagonists who are forced into it. And I think it is a waste of space to say he will be a hero – ’tis a given.

For me, I think I would be hooked better if you begun with the time travelling premise, then gave the stakes he faces in the past.

…Chuck McManis is in trouble. A geological anomaly where the web of time is thin has flung him back to the summer of 1877, just in time to be kidnapped by a group of Nez Perce Indians, fleeing from the US Army. [use saved space to explain the stakes for Chuck - getting back to the future, how the hostage situation works, etc]…

The plus is I would love to read a historical adventure novel with fantasy elements. Best luck!

By: Maya

Maya — Sat, 03 May 2008 15:14:35 +0000

I’m intrigued. but personally would have liked a little more detail.

His having the chance to be a hero – to whom? The kidnapped tourists (implying that the villains are the Native people, which, IMHO, the literary world does not need to see more of)? The Nez Perce people (implying the villains are the representatives of the US army)? In his own eyes, perhaps to make up for an opportunity he failed to grasp in his own contemporary life?

I agree with an earlier commenter who asked (I think) whether he will remain where he is or return to his own time? I know it worked for Diana Gabaldon not to send her heroine home at the end of the introductory story, but there was that big scene of her being torn about whether to go or not.

And from my ‘mental baggage department’ – at the words ‘Chuck’ and ‘hero’ I was powerless to stop ‘Norris’ from jumping in, and at the word ‘McManis’ I was equally powerless to stop the character from the movie ‘The Usual Suspects’ from jumping in. But that’s probably just me.

By: Jill Myles

Jill Myles — Sat, 03 May 2008 14:56:24 +0000

ZOMG a time travel! *love*

My only complaint – once you mention he’s back in time, it kinda piddles out. What is he back in time to *do*? How will he get back *home*? Those are the two main questions I have when reading a time travel, and you answered neither. If you answer both, I think this would be excellent. :)