Again, I really want to thank all of you. I so appreciate your kindness and generosity.

I would happily read more with a narrative voice like this. Thank you for being willing to share.

The thing about life is, no one ever tells you when it’s going to change. When you buy your calendar for half-price on January 10th, you never open it to find, two rows under the fluffy bunnies snuggling among the sunflowers, bold red letters declaring, “MAJOR LIFE CHANGE.”

Because, if I had, I’d have worn better underwear.

I like this. I’m liking the voice of the narrator. One thing you might want to try, without losing that voice, is to move a few words around something like this:

The thing about life is, no one ever tells you when it’s going to change. When you buy your calendar for half-price on January 10th, you never open it to find bold red letters declaring, “JULY 7th: MAJOR LIFE CHANGE.”

Because, if I had, I’d have worn better underwear.

And then I’d be tempted to dive right into dialogue, put her at that early meeting and engage the reader right away in what is going on and what’s about to happen, filling in the background as you go.

It’s just a thought.But I do think you show a lot of talent in those first few lines.

For what it’s worth, I always go with Stephen King’s advice on criticism: If everyone’s saying the same thing’s not working, you might want to think about changing it; if they’re all commenting on different things, you can safely disregard them all and trust your instincts.

Best of luck!

Focus instead on the heroine and her major life change. She has a problem; tell me what it is, and how she’s dealing with the problem. That’s what I want to know about on the first page: “Who is this person and what problem does she have?” You need a hook, and you need action/plot. The filler could be largely cut or used elsewhere in the book. Right at the beginning, though–not the right place for it.

I wouldn’t send an agent or publisher the first page of an unfinished novel; few are interested in fiction unless there’s a completed manuscript.

I wish you luck with the book.

I’m looking at it as a reader, but I think the people who know about writing are probably right: at the end of the first paragraph I’m interested in what the Major Life Change is, and why the underwear mattered – but then she tells me about her picnic, then her laundry, then her stomach, then her workplace, and even a bit about her childhood – and there’s so much that I’ve almost forgotten what hooked me into the story.

But I like her voice – as Maya said, if I was flicking through it in a bookshop, I’d read on, and as long as she got back to the story soon, that’d be fine. I’ve never read inspirational chick-lit, and I like the idea of seeing how that would work, especially with the character you’ve created.

Really personal quibble – this quote:

I toyed with the idea of becoming a novelist, but novelists have to have characters, plots, themes and, well, imaginations.

I hate all variations of this. ‘He felt as if he was in a book’ etc. It breaks the fourth wall for me every time. (Unless it’s Jasper Fforde and the characters are in a book, which is fine.) Somehow the character saying she couldn’t write a book when I’m reading ‘her’ book – it just makes my brain implode.

But I see it frequently, and probably no-one else minds.

Good luck with the book.