Not to mention–redeeming a demon? I thought that one of the basic principles of most religions was that demons don’t get redeemed. Ever.

I’m not going to add a lot to the discussion, but, uh, what about Hellboy? Spawn? Some of my favorite storylines (usually comic book ones) are demons who fight against their nature and their blood. It’s easy to be good when you’re never tempted.

And if Simon isn’t too angsty, I might pick up this book, despite his redundant surname.

Ann…who’s desperately awaiting “Hellboy 2″ and hopes they don’t run out of money before the climax like in the first movie.

The stripper angle? That’s is such a minor, minor point. She’s only a stripper, actually, she’s not a stripper, she’s a belly dancer – does the seven veil dance and all and that is only one time then, frankly, she’s never there again. Her archeology background does, however, feature quite a bit more.

Now, Simon. Well, yes, he is a fallen angel and yes, they are often referred to as demon’s and again, yes, God said they can’t ever go back to Heaven. But as was pointed out, my world is fiction and I’m thinking if, even a fallen, does enough good deeds, why couldn’t he be? I mean, if Angel can get his soul back and so on?

Thanks so much for all the comments and of course, big thanks to the ones who said they’d read it and that it intrigued them! The full has been requested by a major publisher on the basis of the query, so who knows, maybe it’s time will come soon and you can! :D

Thanks again! I loved all the comments!

Laura Elliott wrote:
She’s not human? How is getting a PHD not part of the human race?

My husband said that living with me from 1965-1966 when I was completing my dissertation had a great deal in common with rooming with a zombie.

I guess it depends on the field. My fiance is getting his PHD and has to talk to many people on a daily basis. Conferences, other experts, companies, teaching undergrads – he had to become much more social than he was used to.

My husband said that living with me from 1965-1966 when I was completing my dissertation had a great deal in common with rooming with a zombie.

I really would like to read about the shape-shifting rock, though. I have been unhappy for two decades that Ann Maxwell abandoned the Fire Dancer trilogy before the crystalline computer finished putting itself back together.

Not only is the woman destined to the save the world dangerously intoxicating, she doesn’t care if mankind is sucked into the deepest reaches of space.
What exactly is her destiny? Why does the world need saving? What’s the threat? Is sucked into space literal?

I think this query needs to be rewritten. Cut everything that sounds like a cliche. Good and evil, save the world, reluctant hero, St. John, fallen angel.

The first paragraph should explain why the world needs to be saved. But there’s hope, it the form of a single individual with a special prophecy.

The second paragraph should be about the heroine and a good reason why she hates the world.

Then explain the angel’s mission. Instead of a fallen or dark angel which is overdone, maybe he’s a probationary angel. Or angel in training.

Try to highlight what is different about your story and leave out the cliched parts. As other commenters noted, it sounds like this story has been told before. What makes your heroine so special to have such a powerful destiny? What makes your hero so special to get such a hard assignment?

I was lost at the phrase “insists she rejoin the human race” (second paragraph), since no mention was previously made of the heroine not belonging to the human race. From there, I got more lost. I suspect much of my confusion was the result of somewhat careless grammar and syntax; both need to be cleaned and tightened up for clarity’s sake.

Back to the storyline. Who or what precisely is this woman? How did she get from being a Major Cosmic Player to a cynical student and stripper? How could such a lowly creature as a fallen angel have the ability, or be expected to have the ability, to restore this Major Cosmic Player to her original position? Why would he even be entrusted with such a task — one on which the fate of humanity hinges?

All in all, this query seems to raise more questions than it answers. The plot is intriguing…but the more outlandish and complex a story’s premise, the more holes appear that need to be filled. Make absolutely certain the internal logic governing this fictional world is airtight. Otherwise, it could be a hard sell.

And just a question about the title – is the hero a demon?

I’d lead with that. And then I’d condense and fold the details about stripper-student-doesn’t give a damn-Lexi in after that. Those details are much more interesting when you have that mentor/unwilling student setup going on.

Like some others, I got confused about space and “rejoin the human race.”

Also, I wondered if her study of archeology, which deals with perished peoples and societies, has anything to do with why she doesn’t care about the human race. That would be kind of interesting. Maybe too much for a query though. But I’d be interested if there is some reason for her disposition.

Good luck with this!

That being said, a stripper-by-night heroine is a bit of a hard sell for me, because she doesn’t start out as sympathetic. I wouldn’t mind if she was working at McDonalds or a nursing home or whatever, but stripping automatically puts odd connotations in my brain.

Also, the ’sucked into space’ and ‘rejoin the human race’ things really threw me off. Is she a space alien? Or holding herself apart from the human race?

Cause a stripping space alien isn’t all that cliched…

This just looked to me like an amalgamation of books I have read or (for the most part) passed up in the past few years. Nothing (except the rock) seemed fresh.

Too often supernatural creatures are written not all that different from Regency rakes or SEALs or Cops. I want supernatural heroes (or heroines) to be other than human (and I mean alien rather than immortal or able to start fires or turn off their lights with their mind).

As for the connection between the world of the author’s book and the real world– Chicago is the home of the Oriental Institute, but I associate it more with Egyptian and Mesopotamian archaeology rather than biblical. Or maybe the demon has nothing to do with the heroine’s archaeological studies? That seems unlikely.

Does it sound good enough to make me want to read… sure. It is good enough to publish… don’t know yet.

Why does Lex need to rejoin the human race? I’m confused.

The first three paragraphs are ok, but after that it all gets a bit repetitive, spend the next 2 or 3 paras to explain the plot, not giving woolly hints. Check your spelling and punctuation too. Get several people to proof read it.

Strangely, the first time through I read “dangerously intoxicating” as “dangerously intoxicated,” which fit with Lexie not caring about mankind while she’s swinging from a pole in a strip club. Guess that will be one less obstacle for the characters to overcome.

Good luck.

As a person who worked all through college (not as a stripper–ha) I also find this part absolutely believable. And I admire a hard working, even overburdened, heroine. A lot of women can relate.