As for the query itself, I’d combine and shorten paragraphs 1, 3, and 4 into two, which can be easily done because you repeat a few details (e.g. you mention F.A.W.N. is a breeder twice). Paragraph 2 should come after the entire story blurb because it disrupts the flow of the query.

I’d also combine paragraphs 5 and 6 and drop the informal tone (”A little about me”) and personal information (unless you’re a NASA engineer writing a romance about a rocket scientist, your day job isn’t relevant data).

Good luck with the book!

I think you have an interesting premise, but the query raises too many unanswered questions and isn’t succint enough. Good job and good luck!

Like others, I would not have your heroine be so docile and vaguely accepting of this program. ‘All she ever knew’ is not an excuse. I think in this genre, she needs to know in her heart it is awful and be fighting against it, even if she is the only one. There is an episode of Angel, season one, where a bunch of women from another dimension are enslaved in some way, and their leader is totally forward thinking on it being bad. You might look at that. Because the heroine must be heroic in some way, even a bit of a warrior. Maybe she has some plan to blow the place up or something…if only…

Also, I agree the implied rape thing gets you into trouble here, but knowing that, maybe you could work around it. You might actually look at Keri Arthur, not that she’s doing what you are, but she has un-icked her freak breeding plotline–to some extent, at least. I’d find another word, too. Maybe you can model it more on the Nazi pure race program, or make it more of an arranged mate thing than a cattleyard feeling thing. Frankly, I too was icked out by The Handmaid’s Tale.

Anyway, my big advice also would be to start with the heroine’s reality in the query, not the hero’s. In a way, you could look at the hero as the solution to the heroine’s problem, and we should get the problem before the solution. Here is the line that sings and turns the plot:

“…she is sent to the Esalen Center where she is instantly attracted to one of the elite Centurion guards.”

This is where it gets interesting. Then let’s hear about dutybound fellow and his conflict. But the heroine needs to have a hand in saving herself, too.

Anyway, great job. Good luck!

Like others here, I also had problems with the name F.A.W.N (both the acronym and the Bambi associations that it has). It conjures the image of a gentle creature, and since you also tell us that your heroine is gentle and loving, it feels a little repetitive to me. Does F.A.W.N. begin to discover that she possesses hidden strength as her relationship with Roarke develops? If so, it would be good to mention that because it would make the character of F.A.W.N. seem more multi-dimensional.

I agree with Darlynne that this premise is reminscent of Margaret Atwood’s The Handmaid’s Tale. Since this is a romance, I think that it might be good to make it clear that your book isn’t bleak like Atwood’s. Perhaps it might help to include a sentence about the romantic and joyous feelings that Roarke and F.A.W.N. experience in one another’s company (mentioned in the context of the plot or conflict). I also think that Julie Leto’s suggestion of briefly explaining the reason for the breeder program is an excellent one.

Although I agree with much of what other commenters said, I was enjoying this query pretty well until I reached your bio. The mention of bakery/deli supervising seemed so unrelated to anything that it pulled me out. So I too recommend dropping that.

Those are my thoughts, and I hope they are helpful. Good luck to you!

Overall, I think the world and the plot has great possibilities, although I also thought of the possible “ick” factor. I like Julie’s possible explanation, however, and would be okay with that.

Sentence-by-sentence, however, the whole thing is filled with so many terms stated so quickly, that I found it rather confusing.

The first sentence: It is capitalized as though his official title is “Commander of the Special Ops Team Phantom Warriors” which is VERY long and not quite as clear as it could be, I think. If it would still be accurate, I think it would be clearer to say that he is “commander of the special ops team, Phantom Warriors.”

When you mention F.A.W.N., I, too, was wondering if this referred to a human, or a robot, or some sort of strange futuristic machine that melted icy shells. (Granted that last possibility seemed a bit too far-fetched, but I don’t think you want agents having those thoughts run through their mind.) I think those two sentences could be written somehow… perhaps, “He begins to lose his always-cool-under-fire reputation when he meets Fawn,” or “His perpetually calm and cool demeanor is finally ruffled when he meets Fawn.”

Next paragraph: It struck me as odd to move to this info, and then back to the plot. I’d either start with this, or scoot it down to the end, so the plot elements stay together.

Third paragraph: This has several places that made me say, “Huh?” 1: When a plot to overtake their neighbors by the U.I.S. Board Of Directors is discovered… (Their neighbors? Who are they, and why are they important? And who is the U.I.S.?) 2: …the changes it will bring with the reputation he had earned. (How does he know it will change his reputation? It might be more effective to state exactly what changes he foresees happening.)

Fourth paragraph: This is long, but it doesn’t really explain or tell very much. I think it would be nice to read a more concise explanation of who she is and how she is uncomfortable. If the Esalen Center is important, than explain what it is, otherwise I think the name should also be left out, because it raises another question. (What is that?)

But THEN, I’d love to see some mention on when or how she and Roarke meet! What does she think when she meets him? (Or is he the guard? It sounded like he had a more prominent role than that.) Or what is the conflict between them? Do they end up working together? Do they fight each other for the whole book until the end?

I hope something in here is a help to you. And congrats on your book!

Picking through the rest:

Roarke has always lived for his duty to his team and country. When a plot to overtake their neighbors by the U.I.S. Board Of Directors is discovered, and he is chosen to infiltrate the enemy and strike at the heart of their plot,

This is vague. What neighbors? What plot? You mention plot two times, but never describe it as anything but ‘plot’.

he accepts the dangerous assignment and the changes it will bring with the reputation he had earned. Dispassionately and objectively, he endures a long uncomfortable training and permanent physical changes. His mission undercover leads to an encounter with a woman who would test all his beliefs of personal freedom, duty, and honor.

A lot of this is unneccessary – I’d remove the ‘disapssionately and objectively’ for starters.

What changes will it bring with the reputation he has earned? Less gloss, more detail pls!

F.A.W.N., a class A breeder and citizen of the U.I.S., has never fit in with her society. She is gentle and loving with her charges in the nurseries where she was assigned while waiting to be called into breeding service. She is uncomfortable with the values that she and all citizens have been taught since childhood but she knows of no other life. When she is called into service and selected to breed the Chairman of the Board’s heir, she is sent to the Esalen Center where she is instantly attracted to one of the elite Centurion guards.

Fawn’s name really bothers me. I thought she was a robot at first. And again, I think you are giving the reader too much of the wrong stuff. The first three sentences could easily be boiled down into one. Fawn is a gentle breeder who is uncomfortable with her society’s values, etc. Also…at the end, I hope that is Rourke she falls in love with? :)

A little about me. I am a Bakery/Deli supervisor for a grocery store chain where I have worked for almost 25 years. I began writing almost accidentally when I discovered fan fiction and was tempted to try my hand at telling one of the stories that crowded my imagination. Several of the other authors encouraged me to enter one of the contests at Romance At Heart magazine. I won the first one I entered with my short story called GUARDED HEARTS in January 2004. PHANTOM WARRIORS: ICEMAN is an expansion of my third entry into one of Romance At Heart’s contests.

Delete everything except for the phrase where you mention that you won a prize. Congrats!

I expanded PHANTOM WARRIORS: ICEMAN with the intention to submitting it for publishing. It is the first of a four book series. I would be pleased to send you the completed manuscript at your request. Thank you for taking the time to consider my work.

The first sentence is obvious, so I’d remove it. :) I think you should keep the second one in, but perhaps couch it with ‘Phantom Warriors stands alone, but can easily be expanded to a four-book series.’

Hope that helps – I actually really like this idea a lot (and hey, I got to the end of someone’s query, so bonus there!). The whole ’slavegirl’ thing is one of my favorite tropes (I know, I know) and since it’s a romance, I’m going to assume that the rape scenario doesn’t happen, so it doesn’t bother me. :)

Good luck with your query!

As a reader, I would be interested enough to take a second look, provided the subject of the breeding service was handled well. Not sure what that means exactly, but you are leading with a difficult idea (think “Handmaid’s Tale”). Huge points to you if you can carry it off.

Finally, and this is admittedly picky on my part, but using “elite” to describe both the Esalen Center and the Centurion guards is one elite too many.

Best of luck to you.

I’m not big on the whole breeder thing, but only because it’s not explained…and probably can’t be in a query unless you can do it in a sentence. “Because of the plague that sterilized millions of women, the U.I.S. instituted a breeder program to ensure the continuation of mankind and FAWN is the…” or some such. It just gets that squick factor out of the way if it is explained with a good reason.

If her name is an acronym, does that mean she’s not human? That obviously can’t be…but it is distracting.

Same everyone else said on the personal bio information. Cut it down to only the writing-related aspects. I agree with Laura–contest stuff first. I’d probably drop the part about other authors encouraging you. It implies you only did it because of that. It’s bolder to say, “I decided to expand it…” Just my two cents.

I love futuristic romances, so I would be complelled to at least take a look at a few pages…and that’s really what you want an editor to do, isn’t it!

A big pat on the back for putting yourself out here.

I don’t know about the paragraph with the bio. Is that really necessary? That’s a real question. I’m not sure what needs to be included in a query, if they want to know anything about you yet. You have a paragraph about the hero, one about the heroine…maybe the third should be about them both? “Sparks fly, but first they have to overcome…” Yadda, yadda, that kind of thing?