Comments on: Query Saturday: No. 3 Canned Heat

By: Jackie

Jackie — Sun, 17 Feb 2008 12:54:44 +0000

I think I assumed that whomever would submit would know the basics about querying but I could change the prefatory paragraph to this:

“Readers, though, the way that I look at it is this: Would the hook itself interest you in reading the book. If yes, what interests you and if not, what would you change to make it more appealing?”

I think this would do it, Jane.

(By the way, a book that helped me when I was on the query-go-round was YOUR NOVEL PROPOSAL: FROM CREATION TO CONTRACT, by Blythe Camenson and Marshall Cook. That helped me really get the purpose of a query, as well as the evil synopsis from hell. I highly recommend this book.)

By: Tessa Dare

Tessa Dare — Sun, 17 Feb 2008 02:46:23 +0000

Hm. The last three paragraphs describe a coherent story. OTOH, the first three paragraphs completely confused me. If this is for agents, I’d suggest replacing them with one line:

“I’m seeking representation for Canned Heat, a 97,000-word mainstream novel.”

Then cut to paragraph four, IMO. But then, I’m a query minimalist.

By: lisabea

lisabea — Sat, 16 Feb 2008 21:41:31 +0000

I thought Canned Heat was a band?

Bryce takes Giselle on an odyssey of sexual discovery

I like that bit.

By: Jill Myles

Jill Myles — Sat, 16 Feb 2008 20:38:25 +0000

Okay, I ignored the first three paragraphs because I thought they were just yuck.

The actual two paragraphs that describe the characters actually sound decent…but they are all filler. Giselle is a linchpin…why? Giselle meets a guy that forces her to make a choice…how?

By: Jessica Inclan

Jessica Inclan — Sat, 16 Feb 2008 20:26:08 +0000

I love Hamlet, and yet the idea of a tragedy is often not appealing to agents. Since the plot (okay, the main character is Hamlet? Or is the main character Gertrude? I could not put the characters in line with the play) of Hamlet is pretty damn depressing (everyone dead in the middle of the room at the end) I’m not sure that it even needs to be referenced here.

Hamlet finds out his uncle killed his father–the same uncle who just married Hamlet’s mother Gertrude and stole Hamlet’s crown. Hamlet’s dead father visits him as a ghost, telling him to avenge his death. His uncle does try to have him killed, but none of this seems to fit in with this:

Giselle Cox is a linchpin in the fight to regain her family’s inheritance. She’s survived two attempts on her life and is on constant alert for another, determined to see that justice is served. All she really wants is an ordinary life with an extraordinary man who exists only in her memory and in the pages of a book. Torn between her strict religious upbringing and her increasingly demanding sexual appetites, she walks a tightrope between the sacred and the profane—then she meets a man who forces her to make a choice.

The writing is more back of book than query. I think everyone above has pretty much dissected it, but I do think the Hamlet ref is unnecessary as it doesn’t even fit.

Jessica

By: Lynne

Lynne — Sat, 16 Feb 2008 18:54:03 +0000

The title definitely needs work. I keep seeing “Chained Heat” or “Caged Heat” instead, so I couldn’t get past the idea it would be some kind of girls-in-prison story.

The “chewy” and “chock full” sound way too much like 70s marketing-speak.

By: Bev Stephans

Bev Stephans — Sat, 16 Feb 2008 18:46:51 +0000

Chuck chock, glock & chewy (sounds like a new three stooges). As a reader, I would chuckle and put the book back on the shelf.

By: Ann Bruce

Ann Bruce — Sat, 16 Feb 2008 18:35:54 +0000

Okay, I must’ve been the only person who didn’t fully register the title. Maybe that’s because, in my experience, the publisher usually makes authors change the titles or changes them for us. But, yeah, I so wouldn’t be buying anything titled Canned Heat. *snicker* Definitely brings to mind Spam.

By: azteclady

azteclady — Sat, 16 Feb 2008 18:13:50 +0000

The use of chewy as a description completely turns me off. This reader would not pick any book described that way. The rest of the letter confuses me–part blurb, part… what?

By: whey

whey — Sat, 16 Feb 2008 18:02:36 +0000

Ahh, I’m not the only one that saw “chewy” “Canned Heat” and thought “Spam” (not the email kind). And trying to see how this is a retelling of Hamlet.

“Torn between her strict religious upbringing and her increasingly demanding sexual appetites, she walks a tightrope between the sacred and the profane[...]“
This, along with “Glock”, make an immediate connection to Anita Blake in my brain. No comment on whether that’s good or bad.

As a young man intent on following what he believed was God’s will, he lived for years in denial of and paying penance for his savage desires
“God’s will”, “years in denial”, “paying penance for his savage desires”… gay Priest?

I’m not sure what this book is supposed to be. Romance? Erotica? Horror? Suspense? Inspirational?

I did like the last paragraph, though.