Soooo, after laughing my way through the first book of this series, I strapped on my big-girl undies for Book 2:

Jacob McCoy wishes for a wife and a family. Tis the Season for miracles when a young woman shows up on his doorstep: homeless, in danger and expecting a child – Jacob’s child.

Their relationship is complicated by the fact that, A – they’ve never met before and B – she’s a virgin. Jessie is determined not to be a burden to the McCoy family. As far as she’s concerned, she is just passing through. Jacob has a different opinion – he wants Jessie in his life, in his bed and in his heart.

It’s a good thing I suited up in protective gear, because in between the vomit-inducing Insta-Love and some serious WTFery, this book PISSED ME OFF. Therefore, I am subtitling this review:

A RETURN TO TEBOW RANCH: WHERE THE WOMEN ARE CHILDLIKE VIRGINS AND THE MEN ARE MISOGYNISTIC FUCKWADS.

This is going to take a while, so fasten your seatbelts – it’s going to be a long and wild ride. Like getting your bra strap caught on the fake horns of a mechanical bull and you can’t get off until someone takes pity on you and unplugs the damn thing.

Warning: If you don’t like spoilers or dirty words, go elsewhere. You know, in case that “fuckwads” thing wasn’t a big enough hint.

THE PLOT….

The short version: Homeless orphaned dyslexic pregnant virgin hides out in baby daddy’s barn to escape her bipolar stalker/serial killer. Also, she’s mistaken for a mermaid.

For the long version, I’m going need to use a lot of excerpts, and you’ll need to get your own pair of big-girl undies because I’m not sharing.

THE SET-UP….

Our spunky heroine Jessie Montgomery tracks down her unborn baby’s father (be patient, you’ll see), hitch-hikes from Austin to Kerrville (pop. 22,826 – see below), stalks him to a baseball game and….

Stowing away in the back of his truck, she left her old life behind, knowing that wherever he went was where she longed to be.

You’ll find this itinerary on page nine of the Homeless Orphaned Pregnant Dyslexic Virgins Handbook, although hitch-hiking is generally not recommended if your baby daddy doesn’t know you or your unborn child exist. Luckily, just two blocks from her Austin apartment, Jessie was able to catch a ride with an elderly couple who bought her a hamburger and gave her $30 before dropping her off at the Kerrville Little League Park. Maybe wearing a “Hi! My name is Mary Sue!” name tag helps with that sort of thing.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Jessie makes like a “lonely ghost,” hiding with the horses (second stall from the end on the left, between Sultan and Paladin) and surviving on ketchup sandwiches (made from bread and ketchup packets stolen from the concession stand). To earn her keep, she cleans tack and mucks out stalls. This goes on for two days before the call of the stock tank is too much to resist.

FUN FACT: Our author must have predicted our squickiness with the possible vaginal infections and whatnot, because this time we learn (in a rather lengthy paragraph) that this is a 20,000-gallon rainwater irrigation tank with actual pipes and pumps and stuff, not the icky livestock kind with cow slobber and green slime. As Aron the Eldest recalls fondly, “That old stock tank seems to see more action than the Playboy mansion.”

Anyway, Nathan, our resident plot moppet, spies Jessie bathing in the stock tank. Unlike our previous Hell Yeah! heroine, Jessie does not engage in full public nudity at this point in the narrative.

To a thirteen year old – long hair and glistening water on a near naked female could only mean one thing…. Wow!

…”You’ve got to see this, Jacob. It’s better than the time Isaac found that two-headed snake.”

If it were me, I would have used an exclamation point (!) instead of a period (.), because if anything is worthy of a more exclamatory form of punctuation, it’s a two-headed snake (!).

After some intense Older Brother Interrogation, Nathan reluctantly admits his eyewitness account might be more like wishful thinking:

“This girl, mermaid or not, had bosoms.” Nathan held his hands out in front of his chest, measuring for Jacob, the bountifulness of the mermaid’s blessings.

Nathan is obviously much too young and innocent to use blasphemic fruit analogies, so we’ll just have to imagine a well-timed “Sweet Jesus! Honey Dews!” interjection.

“You looked at her pretty close, didn’t you? Did you happen to see a tail?”

“Yea, she had a really nice tail.” Nathan was measuring in the air again – rounded circles – innocent in his appreciation of the female form.

I hate to interrupt the dramatic tension, but I just can’t let this one go: “rounded circles” is redundant.

“No, no – but, I meant fish tail.” This gave Nathan pause, and he put a finger to his chin in deep thought.

“Shucks! I guess she was just a regular ole’ girl, I don’t remember a tail.”

Jacob, our hero, investigates and finds Jessie full nekkid in the barn. It apparently takes her a long time to find her backup pair of Virgin Panties. Then again, maybe she couldn’t find the ladder to get out of the stock tank. Or maybe she had to use a hair dryer to get rid of her mermaid tail like Daryl Hannah in Splash.

Oh, sorry:

Humming? Did he hear humming?

…Jacob was speechless. There was an absolutely beautiful, nude girl standing in front of Paladin’s stall. He couldn’t quite hear what she was saying [“Can’t Help Falling in Love” by Elvis “The King” Presley], but he could see enough to fall deeply in lust. His eyes roved over the most curvy, gorgeous backside he had ever been privileged to ogle. Inflating with desire, his cock began to thicken and grow.

Our hero is deflated when he’s called back to the house for a minor family emergency, but he begs his Little Mermaid to stay. So she does. She finally gets dressed. She also fixes her hair and makeup because “she wanted to look as nice for Jacob as she could.” It doesn’t mention anything about brushing teeth, but we’ll hope so, because Heinz on Wonder Bread probably makes for some nasty morning breath. All of this prettying up occurs in the luxury apartment/studio above the stables.

Our hero returns to the barn and gets all forlorn and stuff when he can’t find Jessie right away, so he relieves these emotional emotions by jacking off:

Jacob needed relief in the worst way; even it was from his own hand….

If he didn’t bury himself balls deep in a woman’s hot pussy soon, his dick was going to fall off from disuse and neglect. He wanted to suck on those sweet, peach nipples that had tempted him so sweetly. Jesus! He wanted to squeeze that pair of perfect tits until he made the sweet doll beg him to love her all night long! God! Jets of cum shot up and out from his cock in a high arc, testifying to the tremendous need that had built up after months of celibacy – a drought of the worst kind.

Jessie, she of the Sweet Peach Nipples, is perving unnoticed from the stairwell. Being a Virgin, our heroine is understandably dazed by the size and power of Jacob’s manhood:

Mother Mary Full of Grace! Jessie Montgomery was more turned on than she had ever been in her life. Leaning against the stairwell wall, she peeped around the corner and fell head over heels in love. Jacob McCoy was more man than Jessie had ever seen in the flesh….

Mesmerized, she licked her lips as Jacob began to pleasure himself in long, rhythmic pumps and pulls that Jessie could feel from the tip of each nipple to deep inside her aching, empty vagina.

That last phrase confused me for a minute, but then I remembered that her *uterus* is occupied, not her vagina.

Thank the Lord, he was standing in a section of the barn where a shaft of sunlight cut down through the semi-darkness and spotlighted his more than generous assets.

Just like that one scene in The Natural where Glenn Close stands up in the bleachers and the sun hits her just right and Robert Redford sees her and hits the game-winning home run! I love that movie.

And this was the father of her unborn child? Jessie dropped her head in her hands and groaned silently. What she wouldn’t give to have been able to acquire his sperm the old fashioned way.

I KNOW, just BE PATIENT and save all your questions until the end.

The author doesn’t specify if Jacob cleans his manly essence off the stable floor, but he does take the time to carefully tuck and zip.

Jessie, our Bare-Naked Angel/Tantalizing Trespasser, removes all traces of *her* arousal before walking into town to fill out some job applications. On her meandering, sun-dappled journey, she scampers (yes, really) through a field of sunflowers conveniently located “about a block from the ranch road.”

QUESTION: Can someone help me out with the distances here? Would that be like a city block, or is that an “Everything’s Bigger in Texas” thing? I’m from Iowa, and around these here parts, we measure our homesteads by acres. In the first book of the series, it stated that the McCoy’s land holdings total about 535,000 acres (home to 20,000 mama cows; the bulls must have their own ZIP code), the equivalent of 835 square miles. It’s about 85 miles from Austin to Kerrville, which means that…. Oh, to hell with it. Never mind.

After she’s done skipping and scampering and scaring the bejesus out of flocks of birds, Jessie earns her “heroine” status by rescuing young Nathan from drowning in the Guadalupe River. Yes, REALLY. Surprisingly, this part is actually pretty good, but then the Insta-Love vomitry resumes and ruins the moment.

When the ambulance arrives, Jessie tries to hide in the woods, but alas, Jacob’s inner Nekkid-Virgin Radar works much too well:

It was their second meeting and once again she was as naked as a jaybird in whistling time.

QUESTION: I’m familiar with the “naked as a jaybird” cliché, but what does “in whistling time” mean? Is that another Texas thing? I need a glossary.

As she puts on her lemon yellow sundress and little white panties, Jacob’s manhood reinflates:

As if drawn by a giant magnet, he found himself moving toward her at a steady, predator-like pace. God! He was an absolute goner! To ease his discomfort, Jacob rubbed his swollen dick through his jeans. It wasn’t enough – not by a long shot.

No glossary needed there, but I did wonder if the “not by a long shot” thing was intentional or not.

“I can’t believe you’ve had to see me naked twice in one day. You should be getting hazard pay.”

Jessie, honey, with the number of girls the McCoy brothers have seen naked, they should be handing out haz-mat suits.

Why was she putting herself down? Didn’t she know how precious she was? “Babe, you didn’t have to get dressed on my account. I liked looking at you all unclothed and cuddly.”

Cuddly. Just what a naked pregnant woman wants to be called. Thumbs up on that one, dude!

Rubbing his nose over the silken skin of her cheek, he found it was just as soft as he imagined it would be. “You smell like a Bit-O-Honey candy bar. I bet you taste just as sweet.”

QUESTION: Jessie was just nearly drowned and hasn’t showered yet, so does that mean the Guadalupe River smells like a Bit-O-Honey? What exactly is upriver?

Her loins felt like they were on fire. She wasn’t unfamiliar with sexual urges, she read romance novels. But until now, her sex drive had been a very private and personal matter.

Did you catch the big ole’ WTF red flag in there? Clue: It’s not the use of the word “loins” (see below).

So, with loins flaming and bosoms heaving and steel rods straining (actually, it’s just one steel rod, but I wanted to maintain the plural for poetic balance and dramatic emphasis), we move on to…

CHAPTER THREE: IN WHICH THINGS ARE REVEALED AND QUESTIONS ARE ANSWERED.

You’ll be relieved to know our horny couple has finally made it to the privacy of the truck.

“God, what you do to me!” Jacob exclaimed as he placed her on the seat. We’re never going to get anywhere at this rate.” He was hard as a rock and as primed as a pile-driver. “Look at your nipples, baby. You’re as excited as I am, aren’t you?”

You’d think if her nipples were as primed as a pile driver, he wouldn’t have to ask.

Jessie looked down. The thin, yellow material did nothing to hide her breasts. Suddenly, she was past self-conscious. “I’m sorry, I had no idea,” she gasped, covering them with her hands. “I can’t go anywhere like this,” she moaned….

She must have the 12-hour extended-release type of pile-driving nipples. Better her than me.

“Move those hands, doll-face. You don’t ever have to hide from me.”

Doll-face. You’re on a roll, cowboy, keep up the good work.

But, God Almighty! Her tits were magnificent! They were high, with large areolas and prominent distended nipples.

In case you’re confused: Her nipples are distended. You know, like pile-drivers.

Reverently, he smoothed his hands in a circle around her breasts, cupping and lifting them, relishing their perfection….

“I’ve got to get them in my mouth. Is that okay with you?” He didn’t think that he needed to ask permission, but he was going to take every precaution with this treasure. He had found her, she was his, and he didn’t intend to give her up anytime soon….

Jacob now takes off his hat, so you *know* things are gonna get romantic.

“Are they sensitive, baby?” He was hungry to know everything about her.

Jessie didn’t really understand the question. She was past thinking. “I don’t know,” she gasped. “Help me find out. Okay?”

Well, if you’re really not sure *and* you insist….

…he opened his lips and enveloped one velvety morsel in the wet heat of his mouth. Sucking deeply, he pulled at her breast with strong draws, letting his tongue lave the tip-end as he fed his ravenous hunger.

Blasts of heat and pleasure swamped Jessie. “Yes!” she keened. They were sensitive.

Oh, good. I was worried that the ravenous laving wouldn’t create enough friction for her velvety morsels.

Tingles of electric rapture assaulted her senses. “Jacob! That’s so good, love.” She cradled his head and held him close, reveling in the magic he was creating at her breast.

The other one. Jacob wanted the other one. He had to pull himself away from one nipple to suck its lonely twin.

Now that the twins have had equal lovin’, Jessie feels comfortable enough to actively participate in the ravenous laving:

She consumed him – devoured him – ate at his lips like she was starving to death. At the same time, he was rubbing and pulling at her nipples. Then it happened. Jacob felt it. Jessie shimmered under his hands…. It was the first time that he could remember holding a piece of heaven in his arms.

Sparkles of electric heat radiated out from Jessie’s womanhood.

I felt quite shimmery and sparkly after reading that. Like one of those really nice July 4^th sparklers sold only in big tents across the Missouri state line, not just the cheap kind in the checkout aisle at Walgreen’s.

She could feel her pussy grasping desperately around nothing. Unspeakable pleasure flowed out from her breasts and up from her clitoris. She felt like she had been thrown off a cliff and the only hope of salvation was the anchor that she clung to – Jacob McCoy.

Did anyone else envision Wile E. Coyote plummeting to earth clinging to an Acme-brand anchor? Maybe it’s just me.

“Thank you, Jacob. Thank you. That’s never happened to me before.” Holding him to her, she marveled as aftershocks shot through her system.

“You’re one special treasure, darling. Not every woman can come just from having her breasts petted and kissed. You are so responsive, so good for my ego.”

To demonstrate *his* thanks, Jacob proves he’s not just a manwhore:

Reaching in the back seat, he found a spare shirt of his that he kept with him for emergencies. Wrapping it around her shoulders, he cupped her cheek. “Now, we’ve covered you up. I don’t want anyone else staring at those succulent little nipples.”

QUESTIONS: Do they teach that preparedness skill in Boy Scouts, or is that another Texas thing? Are nipple-protrusion emergencies more common in Texas? Because these McCoy brothers sure are handy with the nipple-covering shirts.

Jacob and his Angel of the Morning somehow manage to keep their hands to themselves long enough to drive back to the ranch, where he introduces Jessie to one of his younger brothers:

“The pleasure’s all mine, beautiful.” It was easy to see that the sweet talk and silver tongue was a family trait.

Jacob bristled, even though he knew his brother didn’t mean anything by the endearment. “Do I need to say ‘Tag’?” Jacob growled, irritably. “Tag” had always been the code word that the McCoy brothers used to alert the others that a particular female had been honed in on and weeded out of the herd for his own personal delectation.

Weeded out of the herd. Three for three, bro. Awesome. Way to go.

When she arrived in the living room, she hung back and just watched – amazed at the level of testosterone in the room.

I can smell it from here.

During her brief stay at Testosterone Hall (aka Beefcake Heaven), Jessie learns that eldest brother Aron’s fiancee has nicknamed his manhood “Krull the Warrior King.” We’re not told explicitly if Jacob’s own manhood is threatened by this, but it’s soon apparent that Jessie’s nipples-only climax provided enough ego-stroking for him to drag her into bed.

All it took was being near to her and his dick was like a stick of dynamite.

Again with the Wile E. Coyote/Acme product mental picture. I clearly need to get out more.

THE BACKSTORY….

So now (still Chapter 3), despite the danger of explosion (although an *implosion* would be great right about now), Jessie takes the opportunity to tell Jacob her Homeless Orphaned Dyslexic Pregnant Virgin sob story.

This is good, but it’s too complicated to explain more than once, so PAY ATTENTION:

• Jessie’s mean parents, who called her fat and stupid, conveniently died years ago (hence the “orphan” part).
• Because she’s severely dyslexic (that part speaks for itself) and functionally illiterate, she had to drop out of school and work nights cleaning offices.
• One of the offices belonged to a doctor, who convinced her to become a surrogate for his infertile wife.
• She accepted the offer, did her duty with the catheter and the sperm at the Austin Cryobank (see, I *told* you your “pregnant virgin WTH?” questions would be answered), and moved in with the good doctor and his wife.
• All was sunshine and roses until the doctor started putting the moves on her. No, really, he was almost creepy about it, what with the hovering and the staring and the webcams and the nighttime bedroom visits and all.
• As if Dr. Creep wasn’t bad enough, a letter from the cryobank arrived, informing Jessie and her benefactors that <gasp> THE SPERM WAS MIXED UP <shudder>. I know, right??? Dr. Creep *McCay* isn’t the father of Jessie’s baby – Jacob *McCoy,* Studly Young Millionaire Philanthropist Cowboy, is. (Again, please save all your questions until the end.) The cryobank was – and still is – very sorry for their “whopper of an error.”
• Dr. and Mrs. Creep tried to force Jessie to have an abortion, so she fled (hence the “homeless” part). Of course she gave back the money they gave her, because she’s a good girl, she is.
• She asked a friend to Google “Jacob McCoy,” and voila, pages and pages of detailed personal information about our Studly Young Millionaire Philanthropist Cowboy magically appeared, pointing her directly to the McCoy’s Tebow Ranch in Kerrville, Texas.

So after that dramatic Lifetime Movie flashback, Jacob says “Yeah, whatever, I read the letter from the sperm bank.” Or the equivalent thereof.

Jacob’s world would never be the same. In less than twenty-four hours, it had become a place of wonder and hope. And it all centered on this beautiful, sweet woman that made every fiber of his being vibrate with need.

The vibrating leads to rubbing, which leads to penetrating (God Bless Texas! This was amazing!), fisting (yes, really) and catapulting (Acme catalog, Medieval Weaponry section), and Jessie is no longer a Pregnant Virgin. She’s just Pregnant. Although, she’s still a Homeless Dyslexic Orphan, so she’s got that going for her.

DECISION TIME: SHOULD I KEEP READING?

Oh, Hell Yeah! (See what I did there?)

THE ANGST! THE DRAMA!

We’ll fast-forward through the incessant “I’m not good enough for him” whining, neonatal paternity testing, baby belt buckle buying (alliteration, yay!), wine making and hayride planning to get to the much-anticipated appearance of the stalker/serial killer – none other than (surprise!) Dr. Creep McCay.

After killing his infertile wife (she was a nagging bitch, dammit), stuffing her into a jumbo garbage bag and throwing her body in the Colorado River (he weighted it down with cement blocks just in case), the good doctor follows Jessie to the McCoy ranch, kidnaps her (a cattle prod is involved), and drags her off to a conveniently abandoned farmhouse just a few miles from the McCoy ranch.

It turns out that Dr. Creep’s serial killer-ness is caused not only by his bipolar disorder (I *know,* we’ll cover that later), but also by his TINY LITTLE IMPOTENT PENIS.

No, really – as God as my witness, I am *not* making this shit up. Nor would I ever want to, because it’s even worse than it sounds (see below).

THE HAPPY ENDING…

Sorry to leave you hanging like that – but never fear! Thanks to the private investigator the McCoys have on retainer (Roscoe, P.I.), and the convenient arrival of a Voodoo Priestess (see below), our hero and various brothers are able to come to the rescue just in the nick of time. Tada!

Jessie, our former Homeless Virgin but still Pregnant Dyslexic Orphan, takes advantage of Jacob’s offer of a Magical Orgasm Cure to relieve her mild post-hostage icky feelings. All is now sunshine and roses again, and we even get an epilogue titled “A Glimpse Into The Future.”

OUR HEROINE….

She could see it now, “Hello, Jacob. You don’t know me, but I’m pregnant with your child.” Good grief! He was going to think that she was a crazy woman.

All righty. We’ve already established that Jessie is a Homeless Orphaned Dyslexic Pregnant Virgin. And as you’ve probably already guessed, this means Jessie is an eye-rollingly naïve and childlike Mary Sue.

But, to her credit, we can’t say Jessie isn’t a planner:

Jessie had devised a plan. She would introduce herself to Jacob and explain the situation, making sure that he understood that she wasn’t asking or expecting any type of support for their child. What Jessie truly wanted from Jacob was his assurance that he wouldn’t challenge Jessie for custody….

Tentatively, her plans were to find a job and stay in Kerrville, close to Jacob. That way he would know she was willing to let him be as much, or as little a part of their baby’s life as he wanted to be. And if, for some reason, they made him uncomfortable – she could move on – knowing that she had done right by Jacob McCoy.

Poor, poor Jessie – not only is she homeless and orphaned and dyslexic and pregnant and blindly optimistic, she’s also <shakes head sadly> *fat*:

Oh, why couldn’t she be willowy and graceful? She had way too many curves to ever be considered attractive. Foot! And there was no hope for her to get any thinner, not anytime soon. After all, she was four and a half months pregnant. And the sad thing was, she couldn’t blame her overabundant figure on her pregnancy. She had been chunky to start with; and as the baby grew, so would she. Hopefully once her bundle of joy was born, he would keep her hopping and she could shed a few pounds.

This self-assessment is proven true when Jacob checks her clothes and finds she’s <gasp> a size 12 and <shudder> a D cup.

GAH!

(Excuse me a moment while I attempt to unclench my fingers so I can type again.)

Jessie must have used up all her Lucky Charms on her hitch-hiking adventure and pain-free deflowering, because the shit really starts hitting the fan during the 374^th Annual Tebow Ranch Harvest Hayride:

“Do I know you? You look awfully familiar to me.”

Jessie shook her head. “No, I don’t think we’ve met.”

The woman continued to stare. “I know! You’re the woman who cleans my office building! Why you’re on staff here aren’t you? What are you doing sitting over here with the guests? Shouldn’t you be passing our drinks or something? Do the McCoy’s know the help is mingling with the guests?”

Actually, that bit of random time travel to Regency England (via the Portal of Very Convenient Coincidences) was just a mere speed bump on the road to rock bottom. The very next person she meets is a big fan of hers:

“Hey, cutie. Come here!” A man grabbed her arm and pulled her onto the dance floor. “I’ve been watching you. I knew you looked familiar, and it just hit me. You’re that girl from the website.”

Jessie was trying to pull away. The man had bad breath and his hand was sliding down her waist, perilously close to her butt. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I don’t have a website.” She was just about to cry, all she could think about was how bad she wished Jacob would find her.

“Stop trying to pull away. I know why you’re here. You’re part of the entertainment, aren’t you? Those pictures of you sure did make me hot. I used them as lighter fluid, if you know what I mean.”

That is like the worst party *ever,* and she still has abduction by the serial killer with the Tiny Little Impotent Penis to look forward to.

SUMMING UP JESSIE IN ONE PARAGRAPH:

“Do you think I could have a glass of milk when we get there?” Jessie looked at him hopefully.

Not. Making. This. Shit. Up.

OUR HERO….

Jacob had a soft heart for children, old people and animals.

Also, naked pregnant virgins.

Jacob McCoy is our Studly Young Millionaire Philanthropist Cowboy. We know he’s a successful businessman because he has his own office with a real Rolodex and his own personal Bunn coffeemaker.

He’s not just your typical “inherited some cows” kind of Texas millionaire – he made his fortune using his very own smarts (like Wile E. Coyote Super Genius kind of smarts) by purchasing land containing vast deposits of methane gas. I would have assumed that the McCoys’ eight kajillion head of cattle could have provided the world with enough methane, but what do I know?

Anyway, Jacob’s charitable endeavors cancel out his environmental crimes. (Methane is a greenhouse gas, you know. I looked it up.) He coaches Little League and raises money for cancer victims and serves as a volunteer firefighter and rescues naked pregnant virgins. He’s just your typical Texas good ole’ boy.

Although Jacob is a Studly Young Millionaire Philanthropist Cowboy, he’s bored with fucking random girls. His newest greatest burning desire is to marry and have lots of babies. Lucky for him, he doesn’t even need to fuck another boring female to achieve his goal!

Here’s where your lingering “sperm bank mix-up WTH?” question gets answered: Because he’s a volunteer firefighter, Jacob took the precaution of banking his sperm in case of fire hose injury or chemical exposure or unauthorized use of Acme products or something.

I have no idea if this is plausible, but whatever, we’ve got more important things to worry about. Trust me.

For example, the Cryobank must have had to special-order an XXL sperm catcher, because Jacob’s cock is – get ready – nine (9) inches long and six (6) inches around.

(Excuse me a moment while I unclench other things.)

We know these precise dimensions because Jessie is able to accurately mentally measure Jacob’s pulsating manhood while he’s jerking off in the barn – even though she’s never actually seen a real live penis before! That important life skill must be in the advanced section of the Homeless Orphaned Dyslexic Pregnant Virgin Handbook.

And get this: Jacob’s Rod of Steel is named Johnson – just like his older brother Aron’s penis! I know, right???

Some men were adequate lovers and some were exceptional; Jacob had been told by reliable sources that he ranked in the top one percentile.

QUESTION: What’s our sample size here? The entire state of Texas or just the Hill Country? I need some kind of reference point before I trust these so-called “reliable sources.”

Amongst the family, Jacob is sometimes known as “Deuce,” but he doesn’t really mind, because:

Being the number two son wasn’t so bad, but as far as nicknames go, he much preferred the one that the Texas Cowgirl Sorority over in Austin had penned on him after they had seen him wrestle down a thirteen hundred pound steer during a bulldogging exhibition. They called him Texas Torque because of his massive chest and arm muscles.

QUESTIONS: (1) Is a Texas Cowgirl Sorority a real organization? (2) If so, is there just one, or is there a whole system with chapter names like Pretty Little Fillies and Bare-Nekkid Virgins? (3) Did the Sorority Cowgirls PEN him up in a stall after the rodeo and PEN the nickname on him like a temporary tattoo?

SUMMING UP JACOB IN ONE PARAGRAPH:

Knowing that Jessie was going to need clothes for the dance, he had gone crazy and went to Sarah Jane’s boutique and bought ten different outfits for his Angel-baby. And before he left the town square, he had stopped at the florist and bought a dozen peach colored roses. The color reminded him of her nipples.

To reiterate: I am *not* making this shit up.

OK, ONE MORE JACOB FACTOID:

He was an avid hunter and enjoyed bagging big game.

“Shhhhh, be vewwy, vewwy quiet. I’m hunting virgins.” Elmer Fudd this time. Sorry.

MOVING ON TO THE *SERIOUS* WTFery….

Oh, so much WTFery, so little time. At this point, I’ll just ignore Nathan, the “innocent” 13-year-old who says “bosoms” instead of “boobs” even though he’s being raised by *five* he-man older brothers. I’d show some of Nathan’s dialogue to my 13-year-old nephew to get his expert opinion, but I don’t want to scar him for life and I need my sister to babysit next weekend.

I will also withhold my questions about where and when Jessie, the never-before-set-foot-out-of-Austin city girl, acquired her expertise in stall mucking, tack cleaning and horse whispering. It could be just a natural progression from cleaning offices.

So let’s start with the next-most obvious:

Dear Mr. Jacob McCoy

We regret to inform you that an unfortunate error has occurred in the management of your sperm deposit. Due to a lab error, our records indicate that your sperm was released by mistake [kinda like premature ejaculation, but different] and used in a surrogate pregnancy. Due to the possibility of an unauthorized use of your deposit [<snort>], we regret to inform you that a Ms. Jessie Montgomery may be eighteen weeks pregnant…. Ms. Montgomery disappeared before we could do additional tests to confirm parentage….

To protect you, no information other than your name was given to Ms. Montgomery. If she chooses to get in contact with you, it will be at her own volition. We apologize for any embarrassment or inconvenience this will cause you….

Our administrator and legal counsel are awaiting your call. To you, again, we owe our sincerest apologies. Mistakes like this are truly unfortunate, but due to the human factor – correcting them is not always an easy task.

Sincerely

Horace Brown, Director of Austin Cryobank

What. The. Ever-Loving. Fuck.

Let’s revisit a key sentence: “To protect you, no information other than your name was given to Ms. Montgomery.”

How, exactly, would purposefully releasing identifiable personal information without consent be considered protection? Is Texas exempt from all those HIPAA regulations and endless Thou Shalt Not Divulge Anything Even Remotely Personal privacy forms?

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg, my friends. Our skillful author somehow manages to schedule all these revelations so that Jacob read this letter *after* he’s seen his Bared-Naked Angel but *before” he learns her name. Naturally, he’s so overcome at the prospect of impending parenthood that he doesn’t make the Naked Girl in Barn <===> Missing Pregnant Virgin connection.

Luckily, his older brother Aron is available to reacquaint him with reality:

“If they can’t keep up with their man juice any better than that over at the Cryobank, you can’t trust anything those people say. That baby might not even be yours.”

Sadly, Aron’s suspicions are correct, because (SPOILER!) the neonatal paternity test proves that Jacob is *not* the father of Jessie’s baby. I know, right???

Jacob is understandably upset, so he calls up our good friend Horace Brown to get the low-down:

There was a scandal at the sperm bank. It seems that Jacob’s problem was not the only problem. The Cryobank had been sued for negligence. It seems their records were lacking in clarity, quality and quantity. They had declared bankruptcy just that morning. Accusations had come from several avenues. They had kept no record of any diseases, genetic disorders or any problems that could be handed down from their donors.

You’ll be happy to know that Jacob ignores all the hem-hawin’ and apologizin’ and reams Horace a new one over the phone.

You’ll also be happy to learn that the actual for-real-this-time bio daddy, a gentleman named David Bell, is (to paraphrase Horace’s legalese) conveniently dead, eliminating any further recriminations from this continuing fiasco.

Also: Horace’s original letter about the mishandled man juice was printed on the letterhead of the Austin Cryobank’s OFFICE OF CRITICAL ISSUES.

HAHAHAHAHAHA<deepbreath>HAHAHAHAHAHA

Of all the WTFery in this entire book, those four words *still* make me laugh the most. I’m dedicating that one to all my public relations colleagues, and to Jane and all the other attorneys out there.

MOVING ON….

This next one made me grind my teeth so hard I think I scared small children and neighborhood dogs:

“Keith McCay is quite a character. He was diagnosed as being bipolar as a child. There are three documented cases of animal abuse in his past, which is not an uncommon side effect of manic depression.”

Wow. Just… Un-fucking-believable. Ms. Hunter, you just stepped over “clueless” and landed in a big steaming pile of “lazy and offensive BULLSHIT.”

This lovely bit of pseudo-psychology comes from Roscoe, the McCoy’s private investigator who was called in to figure out who was *mutilating cattle* on the ranch. Because that’s the kind of thing private investigators named Roscoe do.

Let’s get a few things straight – all found easily using this nifty new invention call the World Wide Web:

• Animal abuse would be a SYMPTOM, not a SIDE EFFECT.
• Animal abuse is NOT associated with bipolar disorder.
• Bipolar disorder and psychosis are NOT synonymous.

There, see how easy that was? Remember: Watching CSI does *not* qualify you to invent spurious mental illnesses to justify your serial killer’s serial-killerness. DO YOUR FUCKING HOMEWORK.

BUT WAIT – THERE’S MORE!

Remember back in the plot set-up where I mentioned the big ole’ WTF red flag? @Lisa J, this one is for you:

From chapter three:

…she knew from sad experience that what she saw and what was really there on that sign were two different things. Her severe dyslexia had colored every facet of her life – holding her back and making her worthless in her mother and stepfather’s eyes.

From chapter four:

“I have been reading a lot of these erotic romance novels and I have a whole list of things that I’d like to try. Do you think you’d be interested in trying them with me?”

His eyes widened, and his lips slid into the sexiest, most confident smile that she had ever seen. “You have a list?”

She nodded, realizing that the wicked gleam in his eye might seriously get her into trouble.

“Can I see it?”

Oh, Lord! How embarrassing. “I guess,” she winced, as she remembered some of the things she had written down. Now he would know all of her deepest, darkest desires.

What a sweet moment. And what luck that Jessie managed to find so much dyslexia-proof erotica!

Our heroine is so severely dyslexic, she’s functionally illiterate. She had to drop out of high school, works at menial jobs, can’t read a recipe and can’t even sign her name legibly. And yet, SHE’S READING EROTIC ROMANCE NOVELS AND WRITING LISTS OF SEXUAL POSITIONS SHE WANTS TO TRY.

Lazy and offensive, strike two. It’s BAD ENOUGH to use dyslexia to make your heroine naïve and childlike, but conveniently forgetting about it during the sex scenes is just FUCKING RIDICULOUS.

(Unclenching again.)

Let’s all take a deep cleansing breath before we continue, because we need to address…

THE TINY LITTLE IMPOTENT PENIS.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you. And seriously, if you have any type of triggers regarding abuse, do NOT read this excerpt.

Keith didn’t talk to her very much. He hit her, and pinched her, and slapped her – but he did not talk to her. And, he wasn’t giving her much to eat. For most of the day, he left her bound and gagged on the floor. When he did show up, he didn’t stay long. Only long enough to attempt another rape.

He was really pathetic. If he weren’t a monster, Jessie would have felt sorry for him. Because, Keith McCay definitely had a problem. Now, she knew why it had been necessary for a doctor to extract the sperm for insemination. He hadn’t even been able to get it up for a cup.

When he mauled Jessie, sometimes he would get an erection, of sorts. His little penis was so short that as far as weapons goes (sic), his was a penknife in a world of swords and sabers. Once, she had made the mistake of laughing and he had kicked her in the stomach. She wouldn’t make that mistake again. Her baby was still okay, it was still moving. So, she didn’t laugh. Everyday, they went through the same ritual. Thank God for small favors and small dicks.

Just to be clear on this: Even after being bound, gagged, starved and repeatedly beaten over several days, our spunky heroine is able to LAUGH AT HER ABDUCTOR BECAUSE HE CAN’T GET IT UP.

It’s not every Mary Sue, or erotica author, who can appreciate the ironic humor of attempted rape.

(I’m taking a break to unclench again.)

(Still unclenching.)

(Almost done.)

KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON….

Thanks to the Power of Kindle, we can do some scholarly textual analysis on the recurrence of significant words and phrases:

• “Naked” = 29 times.
• “Cream” = 11 times, both as a noun and a verb, and only one of those is referring to ice cream.
• “Lave” or “laving” = five times. Four for her, one for him. Or maybe I should say four by him, one by her.
• “Nipple” or “nipples” = 63 times. SIXTY. THREE.
• “Doll” = 26 times, none of which are referring to toys.
• “Pussy” = 27 times, none of which refer to felines.
• “Little” = 205 times. TWO HUNDRED AND FIVE. (Making for a HELL YEAH! of a drinking game. We’d be praying to the porcelain god by page three, passed out by chapter two and dead before any virgins get penetrated.)

The use of various euphemisms for male genitalia also provides some interesting linguistic observations. Common slang terms are prevalent, with “cock” outgunning “dick” 36-32. Quite surprisingly, Fabio-esque descriptors such as “manhood” and “rod” are used relatively infrequently (seven and two, respectively). The anatomically correct “penis” appears seven times, while the proper noun “Johnson” is used only once.

BUT WAIT – THERE’S MORE!

We’ve pretty much covered the “women are childlike virgins” portion of the review. You might have thought we’d already covered the “misogynistic fuckwads” part as well, but you’d be so very, very wrong. WE HAVEN’T EVEN GOTTEN STARTED.

In addition to the assholery of our manwhore hero Jacob, we also get to know his equally dickheaded siblings. I hope you kept your big-girl undies on, because it’s time to meet the Extraneous McCoy Brothers.

INTRODUCING ISAAC, THE TATTOOED MOTORCYCLE-RIDING BADASS BROTHER….

I was initially inclined to believe Isaac would be my favorite McCoy brother:

“Bummer,” Isaac sighed. “Misplacing a good looking, naked woman is never a good thing.”

I changed my mind. Help me, Nathan McCoy, you’re my only hope.

Like all Tattooed Motorcycle-Riding Badasses, Isaac is secretly in love with a Good Girl. We don’t yet know for sure if this Good Girl is a Virgin, but considering she’s a preacher’s daughter, it’s probably a safe bet.

Like all Good Girls, Avery Rose is certain she has the Power to Tame the Badass, so Isaac has to use all his rakish charm to dissuade her:

“Don’t do that, Avery! Have a little pride!” Isaac was about to do something that he swore he’d never do. He was going to hurt a sweet and innocent little thing. It was Isaac that picked up the kittens and puppies that people threw away on the side of the road. It was Isaac that climbed trees and put little birds back in the nests and fed baby squirrels when hunters would kill their mamas and leave them to starve. But, sometimes you had to hurt somebody in order to help them. “Go home, Avery. I don’t want you.”

…Now for the killing blow. Isaac braced himself. It was going to hurt him a hell of a lot more than it would her. “You aren’t my type, Avery. In fact, I don’t think you’re anybody’s type.” At her wounded expression, he knew that he was almost there. He pulled back the knife and prepared it for the final thrust. “You’re not woman enough to interest me, Avery. I like my dates to excite me. Face it, baby – you’re not woman enough to interest me. Go home.”

And *this* is supposed to make me want to read Isaac’s sequel, mysteriously titled Badass? Yay! I can hardly wait!

Oh, on second thought, never mind.

Asshole. Dickhead. Fuckwad.

(NOTE: I’m saving the scene with the telephone operator (yes, really) trying to talk Avery out of calling a Nevada brothel (yes, really) for Isaac’s Badass review. Just to give you something to look forward to.)

INTRODUCING NOAH, THE UPTIGHT SELF-RIGHTEOUS ACCOUNTANT BROTHER…

Being an Uptight Self-Righteous Accountant, Noah deems it his privilege to open other people’s mail, so naturally he finds the letter from the Cryobank’s Office of Critical Issues. (hahahaha) And naturally he believes it his duty to Protect the Family by ordering a secret background investigation (Roscoe, P.I., is a *very* busy guy).

The bitchy office worker (Cassandra Tarpley) and lighter fluid guy (Tom Riley) at the hayride must have been invited by Noah, because close observation of both incidents affirms his belief that Jessie is an Embarrassment to the Family.

After seeing how Cassandra had reacted to her and hearing that old Tom Riley recognized her from those nudie shots on the internet, Noah knew it was time to lay his cards on the table.

The winning hand is a legal contract absolving his big brother of any and all parental rights and responsibilities. As he bullies Jessie into signing the contract, Noah mocks her admission of dyslexia:

“You can’t read any of it?” He asked in amazement.

“Very little,” she confessed.

“How did you finish school?” At her silence, he surmised. “You didn’t even graduate high school did you?”

The nudie pictures must have distracted him from that part of Roscoe, P.I.’s background report.

“No,” she said in a small voice.

With a broad, sweeping motion, Noah pulled the paper to him and began to read.

When he’s done reading the legalese word for fucking word, Jessie asks:

“Is this some sort of prenuptial agreement?”

Because dyslexic = totally fucking clueless. No wonder he’s treating her like dirt.

With shaking hand, Jessie picked up the pen and wrote her name. Noah looked at her signature. “You had better just make an X, these signatures are like hen scratch.”

Jessie has irked him so much he doesn’t seem to remember that HIS OWN YOUNGEST BROTHER HAS DYSLEXIA.

You might think that would be enough to satisfy Noah’s Assholierthanthou Shame Quota, but you’d be wrong.

“…you have to realize that it was never you that he was attracted to-“ Noah raked his eyes up and down Jessie’s body. He didn’t say it out loud, he didn’t have to. Noah told her with his eyes that she wasn’t pretty enough to attract Jacob under normal circumstances. “It was the baby.”

“Oh.”

Jessie’s one word response struck a sympathetic chord in Noah. Pushing it aside, he put what was best for the family in the forefront. “You know it’s true, Jessie. You should see the women that Jacob is used to dating.” Sometimes you had to be cruel to be kind.

He’s not done yet…. He waits until a suitably dramatic moment for the Big Reveal of the Nudie Photos to finish squashing her like cow shit under a cowboy boot.

And *then* he scrapes our Homeless Orphaned Dyslexic Pregnant Mary Sue off the bottom of his boot by kicking her off the ranch with no clothes, no money and no transportation – straight into the waiting arms and Tiny Little Impotent Penis of her stalker/serial killer.

Asshole. Dickhead. Fuckwad.

(Don’t worry, both Jacob and Jessie forgive him because he was just doing it to Protect the Family.)

Noah’s sequel, mysteriously titled Skye Blue, is coming soon. I hope it’s released before October 1, because that’s my birthday. (Hint, hint.)

INTRODUCING JOSEPH, THE PARALYZED RECKLESS DAREDEVIL BROTHER….

In Book 1, Reckless Daredevil Joseph was paralyzed after a motocross crash. Fortunately, his filthy rich family was able to immediately build him an on-site rehab center at the ranch, so he was able to go home after only two days in the hospital. No, really.

Anyway, Joseph is understandably upset that being paralyzed has Taken Away His Manhood, and the Acme Triple Strength Fortified Leg Muscle Vitamins aren’t working for him. Luckily, one of his friends knows of a Voodoo Priestess from New Orleans who has the power to Restore His Manhood.

I am NOT MAKING THIS SHIT UP. Except for the part about the Acme vitamins.

Being both a McCoy and Reckless Daredevil, Joseph is also a Ladies’ Man, so naturally one of his first employment reference questions is:

“What does she look like, this miracle worker?”

You see, Joseph doesn’t want a beautiful woman to watch him piss into a bag.

Joseph’s sequel, mysteriously titled Her Magic Touch, is up next, so I won’t spoil it with any more excerpts. But just so you don’t underestimate *his* misogynistic fuckwadery, you should be aware that Joseph’s nickname (used in newspaper headlines and magazine covers and Guinness Books of World’s Records and farmers’ almanacs) is “The Texas Stallion” and his signature piece of apparel is a Superman belt buckle.

Asshole. Dickhead. Fuckwad.

AND JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT JACOB LOOKED GOOD BY COMPARISON….

When Noah accuses Jessie of being a hussy, Jacob valiantly defends her honor:

“She was a virgin, you asshole. I ought to know, it was my hand that prepared her, and my dick that tore through the barrier.”

Holy crap, is that romantic or what? Things are clenching again, and not in a good way.

This last one is going to be painful (metaphorically, not “rip your hymen apart” painful), so be grateful I saved this until the end:

“My last doctor told me that I would probably have to have a cesarean. Even though my hips are huge, my pelvic bone is narrow.”

…Kissing her hard on the mouth, he chuckled. “And I hate you are going to have to have surgery, but I’m kinda thrilled that you’ll stay tight for my pleasure. My cock is fast getting addicted to that snug little pussy of yours.”

Just so we’re clear here: Our “hero” looks forward to his baby mama’s C-section so his 9x6er can stay tightly sheathed.

Oh. My. Fucking. Holy. Sweet. Sister. Frances.

(NOTE: My Kindle’s name is Frances, so that’s not just an idle epithet.)

ASS. HOLE. DICK. HEAD. FUCK. WAD.

What kind of woman writes shit like that? What kind of woman *reads* shit like that and thinks “oooh, how *sexy,* I’m going to give this book five stars!”??? I really don’t understand, and I really hope I’m not the only one who finds that disturbing.

I’m so assholed-out right now, I’m just going to ignore the “my hips are huge but my pelvis is narrow” bullshit and spare you the details of Jacob’s lactation fetish. Usually I’m all “yeah, fetish, safe, sane, consensual, it’s all good.” But lactation fetish + keeping the pussy snug? NO *FUCKING* WAY.

NOW LET ME TELL YOU WHAT I *REALLY* THINK…..

I think someone needs to invent a male episiotomy so we can volunteer Jacob as a human test subject. I think Joseph needs to get a penile catheter infection. I think the heroine of Noah’s sequel needs to run far and run fast. I think the Texas Department of Social Services needs to stage a raid on Tebow Ranch and rescue poor Nathan.

I’m still a little sweet on Isaac, so we’ll give him a bye this round.

I think Sable Hunter needs to take a look around and determine what planet she’s living on – and what century she’s living in. In her hands, Kerrville, Texas, is a creepy cowboy version of Stepford, filled with testosterone-steaming Alpha Males and the helpless damsels in distress who fall at their feet.

The county line must have flashing signs that say “All Females Must Check Brains and Self-Respect at Gate. Infantilizing Pet Names Required.” NOT ONCE is a female character depicted as an intelligent, independent *adult* woman. Jacob calls Jessie his “doll” and his “angel-baby” so often it’s beyond nauseating, it’s downright *disturbing.* And let’s not forget the numerous comparisons of our heroines to puppies and kittens and baby birds and motherless squirrels.

So far, only Joseph’s Voodoo Priestess is showing signs of being a grown-up worthy of being called a “heroine” – but then, she’s got witchcraft and powerful dead ancestors to back her up. I’m hoping she’ll use her bat guano incense to stun Joseph into a coma in the next book, but I have a feeling I’m going to be *really* disappointed.

Grade: F

Related posts:

1. GUEST REVIEW: Cowboy Heat (Book 1 of the Hell Yeah! series) by Sable Hunter
2. REVIEW: Red Hot Renegade by Kelly Hunter
3. A Special Guest Post on Cultural Appropriation By Handy Hunter

Can the answer to her curse lie in the dreams of the past?

When Professor Alex Simon moves to Canyon, Texas from England, he welcomes the opportunity to change his locale. Not only would he be aiding his recently widowed sister, but he would have a chance to forget a failed relationship.

Robin Wise is less than impressed by her new neighbor– and his little devil-cat. The feline taunts her dog, and its stuffy owner has the gall to blame her pup for the squabbles. But at a second glance, Alex isn’t quite as nerdy as he seems. As a matter of fact, when he isn’t insulting her dog, he can be quite charming.

But Robin has her own problems. An inherited curse looms over her impending thirtieth birthday, and until Robin can overcome the hex, she can’t indulge in any fantasy she might have regarding the more-perfect-by-the-minute professor. No matter how she wishes she had the courage to act on the awakened desire in her heart.

Dear Ms. Archer,

I think if I’d read “Once Upon a Dream” when it was first released in 2001, I would have had a harder time believing in the heroine and her paralyzing fear. But since then, I’ve read Julia Quinn’s “The Viscount Who Loved Me” which features a hero with a similar fear plus there’s now the show “My Strange Addiction” to show just how much people really are controlled by things the average person might not otherwise understand.

When I initially saw the blurb for this book, I will admit that I was sold after the second paragraph about the dog and cat stuff and didn’t really bother to read the rest. But the first chapter lays out Robin’s issues as well as those of Alex. He has trouble trusting in relationships given how his mother spent years talking bad about him and his ex-fiance spent all her time treating him as a DIY fixer-upper project. I liked Alex’s slightly nerdy persona and felt good for him that he stood up to being twisted into a person he isn’t. Meanwhile, Robin is facing her imminent 30th birthday, firmly convinced that she’ll never live long enough to celebrate it. Three previous generations of women, her mother, grandmother and great grandmother, all died within days before they would have turned 30 – all from freak accidents. For the past year Robin has holed up in her house, never going beyond the edge of her property for fear of what might happen.

Alex wins me over from the start when he doesn’t ridicule Robin for her agoraphobia – but is this truly agoraphobia? – even before he knows what the fear that controls Robin is. He doesn’t try to fix her or change her or bully her out of this which makes sense given his own past. He sees how tight a hold this has on her and works with her up to and including being in the path of a tornado. I do have to say that Canyon, Texas gets over their brush with bad weather faster than a lot of towns in the South have over the past two years.

I’d never heard of the beliefs you mention people having about butterflies and people’s souls. Or about a lot of the superstitions that Robin’s Uncle Ethan has spoon fed her over the years. But the synchronized dreams that Alex and Robin share are my favorite parts of the book. The way the dreams flow and incorporate what happened to them that day plus the anachronistic touches such as historical western gambler Alex passing Robin’s abandoned Honda Civic as he rides his black stallion to her rescue or the town saloon suddenly having a jukebox which then plays Willie Nelson’s “To All the Girls I’ve Loved Before” as Robin appears in the doorway are hilarious.

The slowly developing relationship between Robin and Alex is sweet as he helps save her roses from black spot after which she introduces him to the fine old tradition of listening to Country and Western “cry-in-your-beer” songs, except all she has is milk which goes fine with the cookies he brings her. Heroes who bring chocolate cookies are boss. They tease each other and laugh together which always bodes well for the future. They’re also frank and honest with each other such as when Robin critiques the way Alex ended his relationship with his fiancee before she opens up and tells him the real reason she’s housebound. Then comes the sex which is also open, honest and unabashed in the way they enjoy being together. I laughed my ass off when they both put their glasses back on in order to be able to openly admire each other once the clothes were on the floor.

What will stick with me about Robin and Alex is neatly summed up in this passage from the book.

“…you’re probably the only woman I’ve trusted since I was a very young lad.”

“In what way?”

“I trust that you’re honest with me. That you don’t play games. That you accept me for who I am.”

I might still need to look up butterflies and souls in order to satisfy my curiosity but you’ve convinced me that Robin and Alex are meant for their HEA. B

~Jayne

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No related posts.

I think most US citizens would agree with me that getting a visit from someone in professional attire who says, “We just need to speak with you a moment. We’re from the IRS.” is not a favorite way to start the day. Or end it. Discovering that your heroine, Tara Holloway, is a special agent of the IRS – someone with the job of tracking down the worst of the worst tax scofflaws – got me interested in trying the second in your series featuring her, “Death, Taxes, and a Skinny No-Whip Latte.” Parts of the book I found hard to put down. Yet there is also a whole latte (pun intended) that bored me as much as you say it bores Tara.

Tara Holloway, new agent in the Treasury Department’s Criminal Investigation team, has just been assigned a new case along with her partner Eddie Bardon. Marcos Mendoza is suspected of a whole host of crimes from loan sharking to murder. Past business associates have gone missing or – in the case of one unfortunate man – gone missing then turned up. In pieces. When the Texas Rangers failed to make a case that is strong enough to arrest him, desperate officials turn to the department that can always be counted on to bring down the bad guys – the IRS. Get ‘em on tax fraud and they’re going down.

But in spite of all their determination, Tara and Eddie feel their wheels are spinning and the window of opportunity to catch Mendoza is closing fast. Plus families, boyfriends and BFFs are grumbling about the time being spent on the case. Tara and Eddie have to think, and act, outside the box. Can they come up with a plan that will nail this bastard and which is also within the law?

Yes, I have a fascination with the IRS. Kind of like watching a pride of lions at the zoo. Interesting to look at from a distance but I’ll pass on any close, personal interactions. Still, it’s nice to know the government is going after the worst of the worst so that maybe I don’t have to pay any more taxes than I already do. Tara is armed, she knows self defense and as her target practice shows, she’ll hit exactly what she aims at. She’s also smart – my hat is off to anyone who can remember the whole US tax code info – and determined. Once she’s assigned to a case, that case gets solved one way or the other.

The sections of the story which show Tara and her fellow agents using their knowledge of tax law and computer sleuthing are cool. Sort of frightening in a way but still seriously cool. The stakeouts I could take or leave. Well, leave mostly as they quickly turned into a total yawnfest. Tara buying her disguises is fine. The first bits about how the stakeout is done are also fine. Then there are some things which happen to Tara that definitely break up the monotony but at the same time, I found myself wondering what purpose these events served to advance the plot. Yucky old exhibitionists and punk robbers hold no fear for Tara but they also held no interest for me. And then the stakeout and the waiting went on. And on. ZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Tara says these things are boring and damned if she isn’t right. When another stakeout got started I almost cried. Almost, mind you but I managed to refrain as I made the decision to skim instead.

You drop enough clues about how Tara is going to get the help needed to crack the case that I didn’t find the revelation to be a Revelation. The way it’s carried out is fun and a bit nerve racking. The way the “think outside the box” plan is arranged and executed made me sit up and pay attention again. The final take down is satisfying and there’s a nice wrap up to the case all around.

The cover quote compares Tara to Stephanie Plum. In some ways I agree with this but I don’t think it’s entirely accurate. Both have guns but Tara knows how to use hers and keeps it loaded. They’re both wisecrackers but Tara is competent at her job even as she jokes around. She’s also already getting nekked and having hot, sexy encounters with her hot boyfriend on a very regular basis. The new man in her life might make the series become more of a Ranger vs Morelli however I’m not sure I’ll be intrigued enough to keep following it. Balancing the pluses and minuses, this one clocks in at a C+ for me.

~Jayne

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Related posts:

1. REVIEW: Skinny Dipping by Connie Brockway
2. REVIEW: Sex, Murder and a Double Latte by Kyra Davis
3. REVIEW: The Whip by Karen Kondazian

I may be in the minority of readers in this, but I really prefer your contemporary books to your historicals. I find your contemporary voice more confident, fluent, and engaging, and, more specifically, I find Travis series books reliable comfort reads. Since we already had reviews of Sugar Daddy and Smooth Talking Stranger posted, Jane asked me if I wanted to write a view of Blue-Eyed Devil. I readily agreed, not only because it rounds out our coverage of the Travis series, but also because I think the novel’s treatment of domestic violence is an ever-timely and important discussion subject.

When Haven Travis defies her father’s wishes by marrying college boyfriend Nick Tanner, she is determined that she and Nick will be blissfully happy and she will never need her father – or his money. Which is a good thing, since Churchill Travis informs his daughter he will disinherit her if she goes through with the marriage. Churchill is a proud and arrogant man, but perhaps he also knows something about Nick that the young and naïve Haven does not yet see: the insecurities that express themselves through physical and emotional abuse of Haven. Still, it takes quite a while for Haven – who has inherited no small portion of her father’s pride – to break free of Nick’s control, and when she finally makes the phone call home, after Nick beat her and literally threw her out of the house, she calls her big brother Gage, who wastes no time in getting Haven back to Houston and, if he has his way, rapidly out of her violent marriage.

Because that’s the thing about the Travis men: they are charming as hell but too used to wielding their own power unchecked. Protective rather than abusive toward their women, the control is nonetheless the last thing Haven can stomach, having been controlled in almost every way by Nick. Still, it’s a long road back for Haven emotionally, and even as she makes substantial strides in her life – working for her brother Jack’s leasing company; divorcing Nick; undertaking psychotherapy – she still has a great deal of fear around men. So it’s no surprise that when she runs into Hardy Cates – her sister-in-law’s trailer park teenage crush and now a wealthy Houston oil man – she can literally feel the long-healed aches in her body from her final beating from Nick. And yet she is drawn to Hardy, too, just as she was in her family’s dark wine cellar when she accidentally kissed Hardy at Gage and Liberty’s wedding. Well the first kiss was accidental, at least, until she realized it wasn’t Nick who was wreaking such havoc on her sexual nerves. That long-ago kiss sealed the attraction between Haven and Hardy, though, and when they see each other again, Hardy is intent on taking things to the next level.

Hardy, of course, has no idea about Haven’s experience with Nick. In fact, he still sees in her a bit of a spoiled college girl whose apparent liberalism was more intellectual snobbery than authentic sentiment. So when Haven tends to act a bit standoffish in response to his assertive, even aggressive pursuit, Hardy isn’t sure she’s merely skittish or a tease, and he tries even harder to win her over, purchasing a condo in the Travis building where Haven works, buying her a gift that brings back memories of Haven’s childhood, and inviting her to a dance with him in front of her family, who see him as a no good, lying jerk who will take advantage of Haven if given half a chance (this aspect of the relationship was developed in Sugar Daddy, where Hardy tries to take Liberty away from Gage and interferes with an important Travis business deal).

Haven is not sure how to feel about Hardy’s pursuit. Part of her refuses to trust his motives, but another part is strongly drawn to the man her best friend Todd describes as “’[c]ool, tough retro-manly. The kind who only cries if someone just ran over his dog. The big-chested guy we can indulge our pathetic daddy complexes with.’” Although Todd also discerns that Hardy is more than he seems, a “’bending-the-rules, foxy, conniving twisted’” kind of guy who uses his “’aw-shucks-I’m-just-a-redneck routine’” to “’set people up” before he “goes in for the kill.’” In fact, Todd notes how much like Haven’t own father Hardy is in his “calculated underplaying,” which makes Haven even more wary of Hardy’s charm and intelligence. Indeed, Hardy uses a deft mixture of gentleness, charm, and forthright pressure with Haven that keeps her off balance but also keeps her coming back for more.

One of the things that drives me bonkers in Romance novels is a heroine supposedly recovering from abuse who somehow unconsciously recognizes that the hero is “safe” for her and has little compunction about jumping into a relationship – and into bed – with him. But one of my favorite aspects of Blue-Eyed Devil is that Haven and Hardy’s relationship does not follow that easy path. Like Haven, the reader wants to feel that Hardy is safe, but we still remember what he pulled in Sugar Daddy, making him a bit dangerous (or a bit contradictory in character, something I’ll address later). And Haven, who had almost no relationship or sexual experience before Nick, is doubly disadvantaged around a guy like Hardy, who is widely known for his bedroom looks and skills and ignorant of Haven’s history. A born seducer, Hardy pushes her sexually, and when she pushes back, he gets angry:

“Like hell I was pushing you. You wanted it.”

“Don’t flatter yourself, Hardy.”

He looked flushed and dangerously aroused and annoyed as hell. Slowly he began to restore his own clothing. When he spoke again, his voice was low and controlled. “There’s a word, Haven, for a woman who does what you’re doing.”

“I’m sure you know a lot of interesting words,” I said. “Maybe you should go tell them to someone else.”

As much as I hated Hardy in this scene, I loved that Hardy makes this misstep, because it shows him to be a mere mortal, vulnerable in his own way. Because Hardy has a history, too – he got himself out of a trailer park and into the Houston social scene all by himself, and his own family history is even darker and more violent than what Haven experienced. Which makes his attraction to Haven very believable, even logical, in the same way that Haven’t attraction to a man who reminds her of her approval-withholding father is. For many readers, this kind of psychological layering makes Blue-Eyed Devil an “issue book,” but for me it’s really a book about people who have issues that make them good for each other but in really complicated and not-instantly negotiated ways.

Still, the story is romance at heart, and there is a certain amount of tension between the way the book tries to show Haven’s emotional journey in an authentic way and the almost fairy tale happiness we know Haven and Hardy will ultimately enjoy. For example, when Nick shows up to harass Haven before one of her dates with Hardy, it triggers an extreme emotional reaction in Haven that brings her relationship with Hardy to a crisis:

“. . . I’m broken.” I blotted my eyes with a shirtsleeve. “I wish I’d slept with someone before I married Nick, because at least then I’d have some good experience with sex. As it is, though. . .”

Hardy watched me intently. “That night of the theater opening. . . you had a flashback when I was kissing you, didn’t you? That’s why you took off like a scalded cat.”

I nodded. “Something in my mind clicked, and it was like I was with Nick, and all I knew was that I had to get away or I would be hurt.” . . .

“I guess it’s over now,” I said bravely. “Right?”

“Is that what you want?”

My throat clenched. I shook me head.

“What do you want, Haven?”

“I want you,” I burst out, and the tears spilled over again. “But I can’t have you.”

Hardy moved closer, gripping my head in his hands, forcing me to look at him. “Haven, sweetheart . . . you’ve already got me.”

I looked at him through a hot blur. His eyes were filled with anguished concern and fury. “I’m not going anywhere,” he said. “And you’re not broken. You’re scared, like any woman would be, after what that son of a bitch did.” A pause, a curse, a deep breath. An intent stare. “Will you let me hold you now?”

On the one hand, I was moved by Hardy’s reaction when he finally learns about Haven’s past and starts putting all the mixed signals into logical order, but I also saw the way the scene was set up to push Hardy and Haven into physical intimacy so the romance arc can progress. So as many ways as we can see Haven struggling to move forward –taking back her personal agency, trying to deal alone with a sociopathically abusive boss, freak outs with Hardy, ongoing therapy, etc. – we know where things are going with Hardy, and while there’s a lot of comfort in that, there is also the necessity of getting Haven recovered enough to have a healthy relationship in a timeframe that suits the romantic arc (i.e. condensed).

Additionally there is the problem of Hardy. In Sugar Daddy he showed himself to be ruthless and selfish, willing to betray a hard-won trust to get what he wanted. But by Blue-Eyed Devil we’re supposed to be willing to put our own trust in Hardy as an appropriate partner for the somewhat fragile Haven, which means we have to know he’s fundamentally a good guy. If readers are not familiar with the first book in the series, this might not seem like such a problem; however, if they are reading the series in order, Hardy feels a little artificially rehabilitated for the second book.

Still, Hardy is not a perfect man in Blue-Eyed Devil, even though we know from the beginning that he is The One for Haven. His missteps give his own character depth and let us know that he is a man who understands destructive family dynamics and has his own self-destructive streak to manage. Moreover, we see what Haven gives to Hardy rather than merely seeing Hardy as someone who will “save” Haven and bring her happiness. Hardy’s own background and his own unraveling during the course of the novel reveal the extent to which Hardy needs saving, too, and the extent to which both Hardy and Haven need a compassionate, protective, trustworthy partner.

At heart, though, I read Blue-Eyed Devil as Haven’s story. In fact, I find the whole series to be very heroine-centric, which may be one reason I like them so much. It’s not that the romance is peripheral or unimportant, or the men forgettable (in fact, they’re all very imposing, dynamic, handsome men); it’s that I find the heroine’s journey about more than one in which she finds love with the hero. Haven has to find the road back to being able to trust and accept herself and be confident in who she is. And Hardy is, indeed, a delicious counterpart, his love for Haven as big and powerful as he is. As I said, this book (and the series as a whole) is a comfort read for me – engaging, emotionally fulfilling, and psychologically satisfying despite its flaws and inconsistencies. B

~ Janet

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3. REVIEW: Smooth Talking Stranger by Lisa Kleypas

My blogging partner, Jayne, reviewed a few of your books and I always meant to see read them. When I was perusing the coming soon catalog I spotted the print release of Brand New Me and hopped right over to Amazon to order it. I spent the weekend reading the entire series. The reason why is because they are charming, sexy, and sweet.

For long time followers of Benjamin, this is the first book that doesn’t feature a Toleffson male as the hero but they appear, in full. Having not read the entire series, I didn’t miss the Toleffsons but I was totally intrigued by the writing and their brief appearances to go back and buy all four previous books.

Before I get into the book, I have give some backstory.  When I first started reading romance regularly, many of the books that I read were category romances I found at the library.  I remember fondly the Candlelight Ecstasy romances, the Rapture romances (who can forget the distinctive maroon covers?), but some of my favorites were Silhouette Desires written by Lass Small and Anne McAllister (McAllister’s are part of the Harlequin Treasury books if readers are interested in checking them out although my favorite – The Eight Second Wedding – is not yet digitized).  There is a sweetness and solidarity to the communities that they wrote about in the late 80s, early 90s.  This entire series kind of swept me back to those books, but in a really good way.  The town of Konisburg, Texas, is a modern version of those communities.  It’s still fairly homogenous (lots of Norwegians down there in Texas) but not as innocent.  The books are all pretty sexy, living up to trademark tongue in cheek warnings provided by Samhain.

This one comes with the following warning:

Warning: Contains dirty dancing, hot summer sex, a honky-tonk makeover, and one nippy iguana.

The honky-tonk makeover could be applied to Tom Ames, the hero; Deirdre Brandenburg, the heroine; or even Tom’s bar, Faro. They all undergo a change, one wrought by their shared experiences, their exposure to each other, and ultimately, the feelings that they develop.

Tom Ames is a man with a troubled past.  (cue the spaghetti western music)  Are you back? Allow it to play in the background.  Tom came to Konisburg a few years ago and claimed ownership of Faro, a bar with a bad reputation.  No one in Konisburg knows much about him and he’s not been eager to change that.  He does want to succeed and he’s joined the Konisburg Merchant Association to ingratiate himself with the townies, but it isn’t enough.  The town wets its whistle at the Dew Drop, a place that Tom describes as dark and dirty with the tap beer as bland as dishwater.  Tom’s an outsider and thus his bar, while attractive to tourists, is not frequested by Konisburgers.  (turn the music off now)

Deirdre Brandenburg has a fancy MBA and good business ideas but her father is a raging mysogonist.  His not so secret plan is to get her to marry his newest acquisition, a former Dallas Cowboy football player turned employee for Big John Brandenburg.  Deirdre decides she’s had enough of Big John, enough of the shithead football player who steals all her ideas and passes them off as her own, and leaves Houston and the family empire to pursue her dreams of being a coffee roaster.  Big John is enraged and cuts her off from nearly every cent that Deirdre has access to because she foolishly never took her dad’s name off the accounts he started for her so many years ago.

Deirdre takes herself off to Konisburg where her cousin Docia lives. It’s the perfect place for Deirdre to start a coffee roasting business.  The next best place to get roasted coffee is too far from Konisburg, a town that does a bustling tourist trade.  Deirdre can start there and move outward but starting is a problem when she has nearly no funds.  She gets a job waiting tables at Tom’s bar and leases a tiny space from Tom next door to the bar.  In between waiting tables, Deirdre starts her coffee roasting empire by, glamorously, cleaning and painting the space.

Big John is furious with Deirdre and orders the designated future son in law to get Deirdre back into the family fold by any means possible.

Tom and Deirdre both need a makeover.  Tom needs to figure out that being a loner isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be and Deirdre needs to learn to stand on her feet.  She’s had too much help and he’s not had enough.  I love how their character conflicts mirror and intersect.  (The title is also brilliant because, as stated previously, Tom, Deirdre and the bar, find themselves reborn).  While the standard make over trope is included here (Deirdre unleashes her inner bombshell), it was nicely offset by Tom’s emotional makeover.  Further, this book avoids some obvious traps for misunderstandings. Instead of hiding information from each other to “protect them”, both actually talk about things that happen, allowing the other to make decisions about what is going on in their own lives.

The bar family is wonderfully done with small sketches from the bossy female chef and the deceptively sleepy looking mountain of a bouncer to the troublesome regulars who come to Tom’s aid when he least expects it.  While Tom and Deirdre both think that the other is attractive, they don’t immediately fall upon each other like wolves who haven’t eaten in a week.  So why the B grade for this book?  It’s because the suspense element was disappointing and over the top in the end.  I thought the trouble that was brought into Tom and Deirdre’s lives was believable as it seemed to take on unintended consequences but the ending to that plot element was a disappointment. I also felt that the story could have gone deeper into developing some of the inadequacies that Tom felt. Those were painted with a light hand. There are multiple points of view in the story including from the “villain” but that didn’t bother me. It might be an irritant to other readers.  Still, after reading this book, I went and purchased all four previous Konisburg books.  For the record, this one and the first one: Venus in Blue Jeans, are my favorite.  I felt my $20+ was well spent.  B

Best regards,

Jane

Goodreads | Amazon | BN | nook | Sony | Kobo

P.S. So the book is out in print now and it’s fairly pricey. I’m not sure what the word count is for this book but I am guessing it is over 80,000. My best advice is to go and read the sample at Amazon or Samhain. If you like the sample, I think you’ll like the book.

PPS.  A little excerpt. This is from the start of the book:

Tom Ames could never figure out the attraction of the Dew Drop Inn. It was dark. It was dirty. The beer on tap tasted like dishwater and the bottled stuff was overpriced. The barmaids looked like they ought to be performing community service, and they acted like they were.

Tom took a sip of his draft, holding back his grimace with an effort. Ingstrom, the owner, was watching him from the bar. No doubt he wondered why the owner of the Faro Tavern was in his place at five on a weekday. Maybe he thought Tom was trying to steal his trade secrets. Tom wondered briefly what trade secrets Ingstrom could lay claim to, besides the flattest beer he’d ever tasted.

….

The next booth held the Toleffsons, or two of them anyway. Tom squinted in the gloom, trying to identify which of the Toleffson brothers was sitting there tonight, given that they were all the same size—massive—and all had the same dark hair and eyes. He thought the one with his back to him was the County Attorney, Peter, and the other one was maybe the accountant, Lars. Lars Toleffson actually did Tom’s books, and he was damn good at it. But in the darkness of the Dew Drop, it was hard to tell who was who.

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Lately I’ve been trying to read more new-to-me authors and when your latest book, “Heartstrings and Diamond Rings” landed in my arc pile, it was fate. I had heard you have a good reputation for humor and this story certainly backs that up. That plus good hero/heroine snappy dialogue are what makes the book for me.

After her latest long term relationship disaster, Alison Carter ends venting and crying to her best friend Heather. Where have all the good men gone and why can’t she find one? Alison isn’t really asking for much – just a decent guy who wants to settle down, raise a family or at least a date who won’t ask her if she’s interested in a threesome. Heather urges Alison to try a matchmaker – not just Match.com but a real, live, old fashioned matchmaker and then offers the clincher that the woman had matched one of Heather’s coworkers who will now be headed down the aisle in a month or so.

With nothing to lose except – hopefully – bad dates Alison makes the call then arrives for her appointment to discover that Rochelle died two weeks ago and her grandson Brandon Scott is taking over the business. A little shocked at first – because what guy knows anything about romance or what a woman wants – Alison lets herself get talked into taking the $1500 plunge for five matches. But despite all he tells her, little does she know that Brandon has no interest in love, romance or matchmaking. Instead he sees this as his chance to earn the quick cash that he needs to enter a real estate partnership after which it’s adios to Dallas.

Yet as Brandon attempts to do what he’s being paid for in order to keep being paid, he starts to fall for Alison and her trusting nature. Is there any way he can keep from breaking her heart since he’s never pictured himself as the “9-5 with a family” kind of guy? Or when he’s earned what he needs, will he head on down the road?

To me this is a very funny book. I especially love Alison’s blow by blow recounts of her dates to Brandon. Yeah, they might be exaggerations – at least I hope no woman has gone through these for book research purposes – but the ways in which these men are so awful as dates is wickedly inventive fun. My favorite is the Pharmaceutical rep with bonus points to you for getting the police involved on the date.

I also love the kittehs in the story. I grew up with Siamese and can testify to their rwonks! Lucy, Ethel and Ricky are lucky to have found such a good home and loving cat slave who’ll accept their early morning drag races down the hall.

Alison is lost at times in the glory that is Brandon without his shirt on as he tries to fix his broken AC but she isn’t tongue tied around him for long nor does she fall over things or engage in other twatish nonsense to show how hotly she lusts for his bod. It’s also nice that though she physically doesn’t change at all, and Brandon doesn’t initially think she’s more than just a nice girl who’s okay to look at, by the end of the book he’s totally fallen for her – he’s smitten and wanting the best for her. He wonders – as he’s still trying to set her up – if there’s any man out there who’s good enough for her. Then after he decides he’s too in love with her to ever leave, he makes the supreme sacrifice and does something just because he knows she’ll love it. This is what I like to see from a hero – that he’s a man who’s either noticed what his heroine likes or he’s willing to do something that he thinks he’ll hate just for her.

You did surprise me by not bringing a certain character from Brandon’s past back into the story for which I thank you. Brandon also doesn’t use this person or his childhood to have “sworn off romance for all times!!” No, he just doesn’t think he’s cut out for staying in one place for long, that’s all. This is such a nice change from what I’ve come to expect from not just historical but also some contemporary heroes.

The secondary characters are great in the story from Heather and her husband Tony to Alison’s dad – whom I loved for his plain spoken bluntness and the pistol packing Bea. This is Texas after all. And it’s not just Alison and Brandon who are funny together but all these people. This works as an ensemble piece.

Another thing I like is that Alison ends up helping Brandon almost as much if not more than he helps her by using her marketing skills. When I had mentioned at DA that I was reading this book, a reader questioned whether or not Alison comes off as pathetic because she wants to be married so badly. Her competency here is part of the reason that, to me, she didn’t. Beyond her job skills though, you give Alison a background from which it makes sense that she wants marriage and a family: her best friend is happily married and Alison’s suffered some family losses that would lead her to want to establish her own.

The changes in Brandon are gradual, begin at the halfway point and the HEA doesn’t depend on some last minute change of heart that I’ll find too quick. But he’s not all RomanceLand hero – he does his share of smoothly checking out the neckline of Alison’s little black dress, her slutty pink shoes and he takes a lot of pleasure in watching her position herself for a pool shot.

I love a book that amuses me as it entertains me and if this is the typical style you write, I think I’m going to enjoy seeing what else out there you’ve got. B

~Jayne

Goodreads | Amazon | BN | nook | Sony | Kobo

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The bonus features on the DVD show that this film played well at the Sundance Festival but honestly, I don’t remember hearing about it when it was released. Nor much about it since then – which is a shame since it’s a lighthearted, feel good comedy/romance with some outstanding actors.

It all started with the armadillos. Harry Sawyer (Jeremy Northam) and Wayne Wayne Wayne, Jr (Steve Zahn) are two bit crooks out on a work detail cleaning up road kill in Texas. Chained together with another convict, killer Bob Maslow (M.C. Gainey), the three get into a fight and are being transported back to the prison when the driver swerves to avoid another armadillo and wrecks the van. The three escape with Bob headed one way while Harry and Steve take off in another.

They steal a beat up RV and, after it dies on the road, are discovered by Chappy Dent (William H. Macy) the sheriff of Happy, Texas. Dent hauls them into town where the confused cons are bargained down – but bargained for what? Slowly, as they explore the RV, they discover who and what the townspeople think they are – a gay couple who travel to beauty pageants helping the locals stage and produce them.

At first Harry and Wayne – now known to the town as Steve and David – plan to take the money and run but soon discover richer pickings. If they stay in town and use the pageant as a cover, there’s a chance to rob the bank for even more money. And after all, how hard can putting on a pageant for little girls be? But as the boys are accepted by the townspeople, they begin to not only own the beauty pageant but find love as well. Problem is the other escaped convict is still on the loose. When the chips are down, which side will they help and what does the future hold?

For anyone who’s only seen Jeremy Northam in his period costume movies, his performance here is eye opening. Not only can he do a convincing American accent but he manages to romance not only the female bank manager, Joe (Ally Walker) but also Sheriff Dent who charmingly comes out during the course of the movie. Watch for the gay bar/restaurant they go to and how well they end up dancing together. And even though Harry has to break the truth to Chappy in the end, Chappy still manages to get himself a guy in the form of a Texas Ranger and save the day as the robbery is going down.

Steve Zahn is hilarious as the half of the duo who gets stuck with the pageant girls and who has to learn the best way to sew sparkly hearts on to their costumes. His dance sequences – choreographed himself – look like a spastic frog on speed but by the end, his heart is in the right place and his main concern is that his girls hold the beat during their dance numbers.

And that, really, is the charm of the movie. Harry and Wayne begin as cons out for themselves and find something worth more in Happy. People who like them and look up to them and trust them to be better than they’ve ever been. As Harry tells Joe in the end, he’s never cared that he’s been a crook and he’s always been slightly fuzzy about being on the right side of the law – but there’s nothing fuzzy about the way he feels for her. And with good behavior, he can be out to prove it in 22 months. Wayne also finds love and maybe a calling putting on pageants. The funniest lesson learned is by Bob Maslow who learns that you don’t screw with a Texas female who’s competing in a beauty pageant.

It’s not the funniest movie I’ve ever seen but it does make me laugh – watch for the scene when Harry and Wayne at first think they’re circus midget tailors or listen for Wayne’s threats to misbehaving boys and his prayer before the pageant. William H. Macy’s performance is fantastic and his character’s coming out is treated with tenderness and delicacy. Another thing I enjoy is that the townspeople, for the most part, aren’t treated as Southern caricatures either. And don’t worry, no armadillos or bunnies were injured making the film. B-

~Jayne

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When reading your romantic suspense books, one thing I can count on is that the underlying reason for the suspense plot won’t be too far out in Never Never land. Perhaps there might be a slight lift of my eyebrow or the beginnings of a question on my face but overall, the basis for the whole sound and light show generally makes sense and might happen in real life. And that is an accomplishment.

“On a sweltering summer afternoon, Sophie Barrett walks into a nightmare. A sniper has opened fire on a college campus. When the carnage is over, three people – plus the shooter – are dead and dozens more are injured. Sophie escapes virtually unscathed. Yet as details emerge from the investigations, she becomes convinced that this wasn’t the random, senseless act it appeared to be. No one wants to believe her – not the cops, not her colleagues at the Delphi Center crime lab, and definitely not Jonah Macon, the homicide detective who has already saved her life once.

Jonah has all kinds of reasons for hoping Sophie is mistaken. Involving himself with a key witness could derail an already messy investigation, not to mention jeopardize his career. But Sophie is as determined and fearless as she is sexy. If he can’t resist her, at least he can swear to protect her. Because if Sophie is right, she has made herself the target of a killer without a conscience. And the real terror is only just beginning….”

Shootouts at college campuses are, unfortunately, not new. When I read your letter that came with the arc, the personal inspiration for this novel chilled me. But turned sideways a little, you’ve made it into the basis for a suspenseful book. We’ve got the background of the Whitman sniper + teenage hackers + something already being done in the everyday world – though maybe not on people yet + greed + a ballooning house mortgage. Yep, events that have and are happening.

The attraction between Jonah and Sophie has been smoldering for months which keeps the romance from seeming too quick for me. They are physically and sexually attracted to each other but both keep a lid on it except when Sophie wants to manipulate Jonah into something – then she pulls out her sexiness and red bra. Plus she’s good at directing conversation where she wants it to go. Okay, it’s blatant sexism but it’s her tried and true weapon to get men to do what she wants. Still, Jonah knows that the badge will get you tail and tail will get the badge if an officer doesn’t watch his ass so he tries to keep things at arms length and is successful for a long time.

And while Jonah and Sophie admire each other’s physique, they also admire the person behind that hot bod. Sophie knows Jonah is a good, steady, thorough cop who won’t let go of something until he understands it all and has all the pieces. When she tells him what she saw, he does follow up on it even if he doesn’t push it to all his fellow officers. He balances what she thinks she saw with evidence and doesn’t just blow her off. Jonah admires how Sophie pulled herself together after the terrifying events in “Unforgiveable” and how she’s attempting to move up in the job world. In other words, it’s not just lust at work here.

The sex, when it finally arrives, is hot and flaming. And only one time was an “inappropriately timed” sexual encounter.

Sophie’s earlier brush with death has affected her as does this one too. Sharp sounds, like the bullets that cracked all around her on campus, make her jump now and anything that reminds her of being handcuffed or stuffed in a trunk set her off. She also isn’t afraid to tell Jonah what she suspects even though she doesn’t get immediate approbation for it. She sticks to her guns and even gooses Jonah with the TV interview. However she then lowers her IQ, IMO, by running several times and doing other things that make me think WTF? I’m thinking, just paint a bulls eye on your forehead lady and get it over with. Jonah is furious at her and I am too. Sorry but no amount of splaining will get me to see this as anything but silly.

“Snapped” has lots of secondary characters. Some are from previous books, though here they serve a purpose in this story and aren’t just there to show how damn happy those characters are now, and some new to this world. I always have fun guessing who might be teamed up with whom in a future book. Allison is cool and I love her “good cop/bad cop” routine – out of sight of the hidden cameras.

Another thing I enjoy in this series is the contrast of the idealized crime fighting done in the Delphi Center vs the cash and time strapped real world of the SMPD. Sophie’s realization that 24/7 witness protection is only for the movies and TV shows is a black humor reality check.

One of the highlights of your books for me is always the final, climactic scene when the evil is finally subdued. It doesn’t disappoint me here either. Call me a geek but I love all the sniper info that each person uses and how Sophie is ready to take out anyone coming after her.

The writing is compelling, the characters interest me even with their flaws, nothing about the basic plot seems too made up or eye rolling, and the tension is palpable when the whole ball of wax unravels. Yes, I know that last bit makes no sense. If not for Sophie doing a runner when she shouldn’t my grade would be higher but “Snapped” still gets a B from me.

~Jayne

Goodreads | Amazon | BN | nook | Sony | Kobo

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3. REVIEW: Untraceable by Laura Griffin

I had read some of your older historical novels when I first got back into reading romance lo these 15 years ago and, hate to say it but, though they were good, they didn’t set me on fire. The description of this book as the beginning of a “heartwarming new series” didn’t light a fire either because usually when books or movies are described as “heartwarming,” I get hives as generally this means they’re treacly messes. So why, in the face of this lack of rah-rah enthusiasm did I start the book? The first page and the hint that the grandmother character has some piss and vinegar in her along with the dawning hope that maybe your depiction of Southerners might be close to the truth, that’s why.

Lilah Briscoe might be at her daughter’s funeral but that doesn’t mean she’s going to break down. She’s not that kind of person after a life of getting the job done and dealing with her irresponsible only offspring. Lilah’s also not sure about whether or not her granddaughter Meredith, who is basically an unknown entity to Lilah, will be the one doing the breaking down and if she does, somebody’s got to keep things moving. But to Lilah’s surprise, Meri proves tougher than she looks. Meri’s also counting the minutes until she can hit the highway and head back to her high powered law firm in New York City. It takes Lilah’s not so subtle hints to get Meri to act like she’s got some raising and stay for the after service gathering at the homestead. Lilah still has some dreams of forging a relationship with Meri and gets her to agree to an early morning breakfast before leaving the next day.

Things don’t go as planned, though, after Lilah has an accident that lands her in the hospital and Meri accidentally hits Lilah’s grumpy cat while going to check on it. With a major case being dealt with back in NYC, Meri doesn’t have time to stick around and after getting things sorted, she’s off. But two weeks later she’s back, jobless and looking like her eyes are two piss holes in the snow. Since Lilah is hampered with a broken wrist and can’t manage her farm alone, Meri begins to pitch in as she tries to get her life back together. As she begins to learn the rhythm and pitfalls of farming, Meri discovers that Lilah has had to take out a loan with the farm as collateral. And things aren’t looking good. Can she devise a way to get them out from a mountain of debt, earn the town’s respect – including that of one smooth talking neighbor – and begin again with her grandmother in this small Texas town?

There are things I immediately like about this book and some that don’t become obvious until the end. The setting and characters are wonderful. It’s easy to see that you are a Southerner. I must be honest and say that I loathe books which portray us as double named hicks who use ain’t all the time and always drop our “g’s” at the end of words. No, no and no. There’s a way we have of saying things and this book nails it. Lilah worries that her granddaughter would “go to pieces” at her mother’s funeral. Then something Meri says “just flew all over Lilah.” And to read “y’all” used properly made me sigh with pleasure. The payoff discovery is that it doesn’t become small town = Fabulous! vs big city = Evil! NYC is never denigrated as a pit of loathsomeness nor is Rock Springs compared to Paradise on Earth.

Another thing which made me sigh with pleasure is the relationship between Caleb and Meri. They’re taking it slowly but there’s no doubt in my mind about how Caleb feels for her – nor does he try and hide it. He’s a hot Texas gentleman from the get go who can flirt a girl out of her reservations with a charm that’s like warm chocolate poured over pound cake. The interaction scenes between them are slow, sweet and never once did I get the feeling of being rushed towards a romance. Too often authors try and ratchet up the sexual tension too early and it feels forced, or worse, silly to me. this is done just right.

Lilah and her friends are wonderful to read about too. Yes, Lilah is reluctant to take money to possibly save her farm from the impending bank note coming due but her reasons aren’t just being stubborn and not wanting to take charity – though the charity part is more believable in a character of her age and background than with some young chit. Instead she doesn’t want to risk pulling Meri or Caleb down financially at this point in their careers should their plans for saving Honey Grove not work out. The idea that Meri devises is not out of the bounds of reality and for it to work, Lilah really is needed – along with the connections Lilah has built up over the years. It’s also a good way to bring Meri and Caleb together without it seeming like silly romantic comedy interactions.

I can understand Lilah’s rivalry with Doreen – after all this is small town life among people who’ve known each other for decades. They aren’t always going to rub along well and long held misconceptions are hard to get rid of. The pie baking contest is the epitome of their relationship and I love how Meri puts her legal courtroom skills to use defending her grandmother. I had wondered if we’d see Meri as a lawyer.

The issues between Lilah and Meri regarding Edie Jo are the heart of the book. Meri had a rough childhood before her mother abandoned her and the emotional results are shown in Meri’s reluctance to trust and ways of dealing with her goals in life. And though it breaks Lilah’s heart to see Meri so scarred by this, it takes a while for Lilah to warm up to Meri too. Lilah wants her granddaughter to be the type she, Lilah, has always dreamed of having – close and centered in her Texas roots. But Lilah has to face up to the fact that Meri is her own woman and that the lost years are lost. They have to warily start all over and I appreciate that you give them time to do this instead of forcing a quick “we are family” resolution.

In the end it is more powerful to me that Meri decides to stay in town, and help with the hands on stuff, rather than going back to practice law because of the love she develops for her grandmother and the farm. The fact that she does get the hot guy too, or at least the two of them are going to try out their relationship and see where it goes, is icing on the fairy cake. But the real center of the book is more Meri and Lilah getting to know and love each other – as they really are and not just as either might have wished their relationship had been if they’d known each other since Meri’s childhood.

This is a nice balance of women’s lit, family drama and romance and that’s a neat trick to pull off. Especially since there are no TSTL or asshat moments either. It takes a while for Honey Grove, the town and the people to sink into Meri’s life but once they have, I get the feeling that she has found her home and her center. Meri’s still got some things to work out in her life and the book ends with a bit of a cliff hanger but I feel that it could be read as a stand alone book with enough closure as well. When I finished the last page, I had to agree with the description of heartwarming. But in this case, the description fits in a good way and I didn’t end up with a sugar overdose reaction. And that’s a tough admission from me. So sign me up for the next book because it’s a place I want to visit again. A-

~Jayne

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“Her stay in Oak Stand, Texas, is only temporary. After a series of setbacks, Dawn Taggart is giving herself one year to pull everything together so she can start over somewhere else. No putting down roots here. No romantic entanglements. No exceptions!

Not even the very persuasive Tyson Hart can change that. A contractor looking for a fresh start himself, Tyson is the type of guy who promises forever-’and means it. But Dawn refuses to let those whiskey-colored eyes, that smooth voice and the broadest set of shoulders this side of Houston weaken her resolve. Her mind is made up. Now, if she could only convince her heart…”

Dear Ms. Talley,

Dawn’s character caught my attention when I read the first book in this series, “Vegas Two- Step” last year. She’s a veteran of a bad marriage and has the battle scars to prove it. And it seemed that her wounds would go deep since her entire life had its share of problems. So when I checked the upcoming Harlequin Super Romances and found it listed, I was a happy camper.

Some of the previous characters make appearances here, like Jack and Nellie, but in supporting roles that make sense. I love the initial “baby on the way” scene and usually I’m not a fan of “lets show how past characters are all fertile and happy.” Tyson is nervous, especially when – as he says – Nellie springs a leak but then he swings into action doing what men can do best in those moments – driving like a bat out of hell to the hospital. I like how you use this to also allow Tyson and Dawn to quickly get to know the other’s basic personality as there’s nothing like a crisis to get to strip someone down to bare bones.

‘Second chance at love’ stories are favorites for me and I like that both Dawn and Tyson have survived rough and broken marriages and are due for happiness. They’ve suffered and are initially reluctant to risk their hearts which means they also know where the other is coming from. And both have a teenage child which adds to the difficulties in working out their relationship. Add to that the presence of the previous spouses and our couple have their work cut out for them. Lots of conflict here but it’s conflict done well.

I felt the relationships between Dawn and her son Andrew and Tyson and his daughter Laurel were handled well. The children are at the stage where they still want their original familles back and are suspicious of the new romantic interests their parents have. They are close to the age when acceptance would come easier but not quite there yet. Their rebellion and back talking seem realistic to me. But I do feel that, however well you wrote the scene when Dawn explains things to Andrew and for all the basic truth of her arguments to him, his change of heart comes fairly quickly. Ditto for Laurel. They’re strongly against the romance for days or weeks then suddenly after one ‘heart-to-heart’ they both do a 180? It was just too fast.

Dawn and Tyson have the hots for each other but they also feel comfortable with each other even to the point of going into what went wrong – warts and all – with their first marriages and bad dating choices. As I mentioned earlier, I like that they both don’t want to rush into anything new and take some time to get to know the other. Dawn does toss up a lot of roadblocks and comes up with a lot of excuses which might have been a deal breaker had Tyson had less experience in relationships. But he realizes she’s been burned – more than once. And then there’s the fact that she thought Tyson might be on the rebound – and everybody knows that rebound relationships = bad. So I can understand her actions.

When Dawn has decided she’s had enough of men stomping on her heart – or so she thinks – she really lets loose. Because that’s one hell of a hissy fit, tantrum she throws. 20 years of pent up emotion are all that could account for it. But good for Tyson that he didn’t press the matter, that he backed off and then tried again in a more subtle way. Of course it helps when he’s got Nellie and the townspeople on his side.

So, let’s talk about the town of Oak Stand. All snickers aside, it still sounds like a nice place to live with nice people in it. The Senior Center could have been insulting or cutesy but instead shows that the seniors of the town still have life, humor and something to give to their community. I lurve seeing Bubba again. I hope that his character translates well for those who’ve never had the chance to meet a ‘good ol’ boy’ in person. They can be charming.

Forget a doctor or a lawyer…give me a man who can repair things or make them with his own hands. I love that in a man so I was already predisposed to love Tyson. Plus he’s a Tar Heel! Ahem, sorry. Where was I? Yes, Tyson is a delicious hero. And Dawn is well worthy of him – at least once she gets her hissy out of her system. I can believe in their romance and not just because the plot tells me so. I’m also looking forward to the at least one more romance in this series. B

~Jayne

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Your debut YA novel, Bleeding Violet, was one of my favorite books of last year, so when you emailed me with an offer to review an ARC of your second book, Slice of Cherry, I jumped at the chance.

Slice of Cherry is written in third person omniscient narration, but the only character whose POV we are given is fifteen-year-old Fancy Cordelle. Fancy and her seventeen-year-old sister Kit live in Portero, Texas, a town where supernatural goings on are as commonplace as the gory Annas that sprout up wherever dead bodies are buried.

Kit and Fancy are descended from Cherry du Haven, a slave whose ghost makes each person's dearest wish come true – but not always in the way that person wants it to. As Cherry's descendants, the girls may have inherited some unusual powers. But Fancy and Kit are also the daughters of the infamous "Bonesaw Killer," and as such, they have inherited something even more unsettling- their father's thirst for blood. The story begins when a prowler's invasion of their bedroom triggers the teenage girls' penchant for violence:

Fancy only allowed three people in the whole world to get close to her: Daddy, who was on death row; Madda, who was working the graveyard shift; and Kit, who was dead to the world in the bed next to hers. And so when she awoke to find a prowler hanging over her, violating her personal space, her first instinct was to jab her dream-diary pencil into his eye.

But even in the dark of night with a stranger in her room, Fancy wasn't one to behave rashly. Daddy had been rash, and now he was going to be killed. No, Fancy would be calm and think of a nonlethal way to teach the prowler why it was important not to disturb a young girl in her bed late at night.

Kit wakes up soon after Fancy and she doesn't have the same compunctions. She wants to kill the prowler immediately. After knocking him unconscious and dragging him to the cellar, where their serial-killer father sawed his victims, the girls argue about what to do with the prowler.

Fancy is terrified of losing Kit the way she lost her father to death row, so she promises that if Kit refrains from killing the prowler, Fancy will try to use her power to see distant places to show Kit their father.

Fancy has the ability to see things in transparent surfaces, and she uses a kinetoscope for that purpose. But although the kinetoscope shows the sisters Fancy's imaginary world, the Happy Place, they cannot catch a glimpse of their father.

Meanwhile, Kit has been slashing the intruder's skin in her anger and frustration. Afterward, Fancy stitches him up, but refuses his pleas for release. She doesn't want Kit to be taken away from her the way their father was.

Soon visits to the cellar for cutting and stitching the prowler's skin become routine to the girls, who even nickname the prowler Franken. Their sweet-natured, hardworking mother, whose name is Lynne but whom they call Madda, has no idea what her daughters are getting up to, and the girls fear that if she learns that they have graduated from dissecting animals to cutting on a human being, she will hate them.

When an old man tries to rape Kit, Kit kills her would-be rapist in what starts out as self-defense. But her sadistic urges – ones Fancy secretly shares – come to the fore, and Fancy is more worried than ever that she will lose Kit.

There are also two brothers, Gabriel and Ilan, who show an interest in Kit and Fancy, despite the fact that Kit and Fancy's father killed the brothers' dad. But the girls are contemptuous of the boys at first, or indeed of anyone outside their family. Fancy even refuses to speak to outsiders and lets Kit do all her talking for her. What began as a defense mechanism when so many people rejected them for being the Bonesaw Killer's daughters has become unhealthy, but the girls don't see this.

When Madda insists that Kit and Fancy have become too close, and signs them up for separate art and music summer classes, Fancy and Kit are chagrined. Meanwhile, there is the problem of Franken, who is developing a Stockholm Syndrome-like attachment to Kit. Fancy wants to get rid of him, but how can she do so without leaving evidence?

Fortunately, Juneteenth, a time when families go to Cherry Glade so teenagers can make a wish and ask the ghost of Cherry du Haven to grant it, is coming up. Fancy plans to ask never to be separated from Kit. But Fancy's visit to Cherry Glade has some unexpected consequences…

As mentioned before I loved Bleeding Violet and my expectations of Slice of Cherry were high. But while I admire a lot of the writing in Slice of Cherry, I feel much more ambivalent about this novel than I did about its predecessor.

The prose in Slice of Cherry is strong, as the two paragraphs I quoted above showed. You have a vivid way with descriptions. I loved metaphors like this one: "The sun floated just over the horizon, the sky streaked with red as though God had killed someone and hadn't bothered to clean it up."

The worldbuilding is unusual, and even though there is much less grounding in the mythology of Portero in this novel than there was in Bleeding Violet, I still enjoyed the wacky, disturbing goings on that popped up from the ground or in a reflective surface, sometimes when I least expected it.

My biggest reservation about this novel is the main characters. It's not that Kit and Fancy aren't well drawn, but rather that I didn't care for them very much, and as a result I didn't care about what happened to them that greatly, either.

I have a soft spot for flawed and morally ambiguous characters, so I don't think it was the girls' darkness per se that troubled me. Rather, I think it was their amorality. Their consciences seemed close to nonexistent at times. They didn't seem to have a strong sense of the value of a human life or much empathy, either. I think a character can be deeply flawed and still possess those qualities, and I kept hoping they would make an appearance in Kit and Fancy's emotional makeup.

The girls did grow into healthier (if not healthy) people – in fact, Slice of Cherry is the story of that growth process, of how Fancy and Kit learn to let other people into their lives, to contribute to society in their twisted way, and at the same time, to acknowledge who they are and discover that they can be accepted and even loved despite their flaws.

All of the above are themes I normally enjoy, but in this case, I just couldn't connect with Fancy and Kit. It wasn't until the last hundred pages that I started liking them. I understood that it was partly the rejection of the townspeople that had made Kit and Fancy so insular, but somehow I didn't feel their vulnerability the way I did Hanna's in Bleeding Violet. (Incidentally, Hanna and Wyatt's cameo appearance in this book was my favorite scene). Gabriel and Ilan appealed to me more, but I couldn't really understand Ilan's attraction to Fancy, who didn't even speak to him for over half the book.

Besides this, the book sometimes felt more like a series of vignettes stitched together (no pun intended!) when I would have preferrred more cohesiveness to the plot. I also wish there had been more dialogue tags because at times I had to reread to figure out which character a particular line belonged to.

It's tough to grade this book because although I couldn't warm to the characters, the writing itself was quite good, and I'm sure there are other readers the book would appeal to more than it did to me. Still, my own enjoyment was greatly hindered by my inability to sympathize with Kit and Fancy, and so, I think I'll give this one a C.

Sincerely,

Janine Ballard

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I got all excited when Jane sent me a copy of your latest book, “Unforgivable.” I’ve come to expect top notch suspense and romance from you and this latest one doesn’t disappoint. Well, not that much.

Dr. Mia Voss is one of the experts in her field of DNA recovery. Working for the private Delphi Center, she is “one with her job” and dedicated to helping law enforcement crack cases and send the guilty to jail. Mia’s seen her share of the horrible aftermath of crime which is why when she’s carjacked – actually jeepjacked – on her way home from a trip to the nearest minimart to get some Ben and Jerry’s restorative ice cream, she’s determined not to die at the hands of the masked man holding a gun on her. Seizing her chance, she escapes the jeep and plunges into the night but the former cop who came to her aid isn’t as lucky.

Ric Santos and his partner Jonah Macon catch the case and, with the weight of the department on them to find the cop killer, buckle down and set to work. Ric and Mia have worked together on cases before and Mia once thought something might come of it. That is before Ric suddenly stopped calling or dropping by. Now he’s got to convince her that he wasn’t just “buttering her up” to get her to prioritize his cases. But with the evidence not adding up and a sadistic killer on the loose, can Ric sort out his feelings for Mia, even as he tries to protect her from someone who’s targeted her for death?

I find the whole idea of the Delphi Center to be fascinating. Experts working with the finest and latest technology to catch criminals and close cases. I think I’ve mentioned that I’m a Cold Case fanatic and love watching the amazing things that can be done these days. So seeing Mia and her colleagues at work is a delight. If only there were about 5,000 more of her to help clear the RL backlog of unprocessed cases in this country.

Anyhow, back to the book. The case is well thought out, makes sense and I can see it happening. The way Mia is manipulated into what she does is chillingly realistic as well. I have to say that even after she works with the FBI and gets immunity, I wonder how it will affect her future cases. Just saying. And though for the most part Mia is intelligent and thinks under pressure to save her life – twice! – she does a few things in the middle of the book which pulled me up short. The scene in which Ric dresses her down for refusing to leave her house had me nodding and saying, “You tell her, Ric!” But the final chase scene is written with your usual emotional punch and, again as usual, had me glued to it until the villain was caught.

The romance works better for me all around. Ric has lost in love before and is understandably wary but the signs of his growing feelings for Mia are all around for everyone to see, despite his grump act. I like that Mia is the one to make the moves and ultimately decides to go for it despite Ric’s aforementioned grumpiness. The last scene, when he finally – and it was down to the last page, I tell ya – declares himself seems realistic too. Not a peep about the L word and then it’s meet my daughter. That alone should tell Mia he’s serious!

There’s a truncated, secondary, kinda romance going on here that I also enjoyed but I’m not sure if this is it or if we’ll see these two get their own starring roles. Guess I need to wait for the finished copy of the book which, hopefully, will have a blurb from your upcoming book to find out.

So a good romance, a good plot set up, a lot about a science I find riveting balanced with Mia acting silly once or twice – though not, thank God silly enough to shift her near to TSTL territory – gives me a final grade of B. Looking forward to the next one!

~Jayne

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I read and enjoyed “Her Inheritance Forever,” the second book in this “Texas Star of Destiny” series last autumn. I remember liking the fact that you showed a slightly different view of Texas history than I’d read before and also that the heroine was Mexican. This time around the German settlers in Texas provide the heroine and the Quinn family again takes part in the battles that determined the state’s history.

Texas Ranger Carson Quinn finds a group of newly arrived German immigrants when he and his friend Tunney arrive in Galveston, Texas. It’s obvious to the Rangers that they don’t have a clue how to go about getting to the land which has been bought for them to settle. Taking his oath to help the people of Texas, whether old hands or new arrivals, seriously, Carson decides to help them get there since he’s headed in that direction to join his family.

During the journey, he can’t help but notice beautiful Mariel who often acts as an interpreter for the group but whose situation is tenuous. Her employer is abusive and the other immigrants seem only to willing to believe his lies about her character rather than believe this young woman who’s alone in the world.

After meeting up with the Quinns and reaching New Braunfels, Mariel’s position becomes impossible when she’s faced with a marriage of convenience to save her reputation or becoming an outcast among the Germans. When Dorritt Quinn offers her a place at their ranch, Mariel jumps at the chance especially as she and Carson have begun to grow closer over the journey. But when the Rangers are called to aid the US Army sent to fight the Mexicans who object to the Republic joining the United States, will Carson survive the second set of battles he fights for Texas?

Even though this is book three of the series, readers don’t need to have read either book one or two. It starts in media res but the stage is soon set, the players are introduced and the action begins. I like that the returning characters stay the same. Well, the same but 10 years later. It doesn’t look as if anyone’s had a personality change just because the plot demands it.

Again I enjoyed a different presentation of Texas history as I can’t say I’ve read any historicals about German settlement in Texas. This part is okay and good for showing the kind of caring and leading man Carson is and how his family react to Mariel and the injustice done her by gossiping settlers. It seems true to probable historical realities – she’s a servant and a woman so the word of others would be taken over her. I had hoped to see more of the German settlement, how they began their lives over and their dealings with Comanche but…not to be.

The Quinns are fine, upstanding people, salt of the earth, always understanding and never wrong. There’s never a harsh word, they never letting anger rule them, they’re class and color blind, and practically perfect in every way. Unfortunately it makes this rather bland to read and hard to believe. Carson’s view that good men have to be the law and make the law out on the frontier seems more likely. His slow realization that he’s tired of killing, tired of war and being a man of war, even if that is what’s needed, seems more realistic.

The battle scenes are somewhat confusing and truncated. I’m still not sure what really happened but then a detailed description of the war isn’t what book is for – it’s more to show how it impacts this group of people and I guess they would only see their small part of it as the gunsmoke drifts and the cannons boom in the distance. Given the number of people to care about who were on or near the battlefield, it would be foolish to think someone wouldn’t die but I was sorry to lose the one to go.

Mariel changes a great deal over the course of the story. She starts as a cowed woman and servant but slowly becomes a stronger woman, a woman of Texas. But as with most of the Quinn family, she’s almost too perfect. And honestly, the separation at the end felt tacked on and for what? I knew it couldn’t go anywhere or be drawn out in the short amount of time left so … why bother?

Carson is a man you don’t mess with but one who is also decent and fair. I enjoyed his conversations with his cousin-in-law, who is also an interesting character. Niven got what he wanted in his wife but might discover she’s not what he wants after all. And though the characters are inspired by their faith but this isn’t something turned preachy or rammed down a reader’s throat.

My question at the end of this book is will there be a fourth entry in the series? Perhaps one with Erin facing the troubles Dorritt feels are looming on the horizon? Though this book didn’t work quite as well for me as “Inheritance” did, I’m still glad I read it and got to learn a little more about Texas history.

~Jayne

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You are my go-to author for thrillers and romantic suspense. “Unspeakable” is taut, hot, had me glued to it for the last 100 pages and is on my rec list for July releases.

Elaina McCord doesn’t want to be working in the FBI office in Brownsville, Texas but that’s where she was sent after finishing her training at Quantico and that’s where she finds herself dealing with the usual macho bullshit from her male colleagues: they either ignore her, hit on her or talk down to her. But her assignment to a murder investigation on Lito Island is the break she’s been waiting for and she’s not going to give in to her frustration. Except that her reception by the local cops isn’t encouraging and the most acceptance she finds is from true crime author Troy Stockton.

Elaina begins working the case, offering her suggestions – which are usually ignored, and being annoyed that where ever she turns, Stockton seems to already be there. Since bodies are piling up and a few cold cases are being tentatively linked to their unsub, Elaina won’t turn down his help – and he’s sure easy on the eyes – but she doesn’t want to risk anything she says showing up in his next best selling book.

The ease with which the killer gets access to his victims and disposes of the cut up bodies is maddening. There’s something they’re missing and it’s right under their noses. But no one realizes what it is until Elaina notices something and begins talking to someone in the cybercrimes unit at the Delphi Center. Will they unravel the mysteries before the killer strikes again or will Elaina be his next victim?

In your Acknowledgments, you mention how many people helped you to get the details and feel for the police work correct. Please thank them for me as once again it all seems so real to me. There’s the tireless slogging through old case files, the determination of a homicide detective to solve a case even if it’s five years old and there’s almost no evidence, the helplessness felt by officers as they break the news to another grief stricken family that their daughter’s remains were just found, and the cold, hard fury that drives them to find this monster who enjoys eviscerating women.

I enjoyed reading about Elaina. She’s human and makes mistakes. And I think that a lot of women could identify with her as she works to prove herself in a male dominated field. She’s also intelligent, hard working, notices the little things which when strung together can lead to a break in the hard cases. I applaud her decision in the end because she makes it not to prove something to someone else but because she feels it’s the best thing to advance her career. Oh, and despite her actions in Matamoros at least she doesn’t offer herself stupidly as bait to the Texas killer. That was a sweet surprise.

Elaina’s theory about the unsub’s first victim from ten years ago blows one of Troy’s novels, which was based partly on that case, straight out of the water – which pisses him off. But not because Elaina’s right – Troy has too much respect for the fact that she caught this connection. Instead it makes him want to help in any way he can to get the SOB who did do the crime. I kind of wondered throughout the book if Elaina and Troy’s relationship wasn’t skating the fine line of Elaina’s professionalism. But I did like watching Troy have to work to earn Elaina’s respect and to reel in this tough woman who doesn’t do “girly.” I love the scene where she whips out her Glock and tells him to stay back while she checks something out. That put him in his place.

I like a lot of the secondary characters including the couple being set up for the next book. Kudos for having their presence in this book be related to the crimes being solved and not just place holding until their time on center stage. Weaver is a great partner with wonderful lines and I would love to see something for him in the future.

If Weaver was surprised to find Troy out here leaning against his car, he didn’t show it. He stopped beside the battered Taurus and pulled out his keys.
“Hey, I think you dinged my car,” he said.
Troy scowled at the sedan. It was a heap, just like Elaina’s. “I can’t believe you guys drive these things.”
“We took a vow of poverty. What can I do for you, Mr. Stockton?”
“Troy. And you know exactly what you can do for me.”
“I don’t know what that is,” Weaver said.
“Bullshit.”
“Okay, I know exactly where she is, but I’m not going to tell you.”

Ronnie, the ass shooting mother, is fabulous in her one scene and Chico is a solid law officer through the whole book.

Troy and Elaina work well together and eventually play well together. If you know what I mean. And even though the “I love yous” don’t arrive – even in their minds – until very late in the game, it’s obvious that they’re getting under the other’s skin. I also like that they can laugh with and sometimes at each other.

He went inside the house to get another glass. When he came back out, he poured some tequila and slid it in front of her, then sank into his chair, facing the water.
She lifted her glass and looked at the amber liquid.
“It’s from Jalisco,” he told her, and then watched in amazement as she tipped her head back and poured it down her throat.
“Well, shit, that’s one way to do it.”
Her eyes slammed shut. She bent over and made a sound like a gagging cat.
“Laina?” He pounded her back. “Hey, you okay?”
She shook her head vigorously, and he couldn’t help it – he started to laugh.
Her head snapped up and she wheezed something at him.
“You’re supposed to sip it, not shoot it. This stuff’s three hundred bucks a bottle.”
She winced and shuddered, and he tried to soothe her by stroking her back.
“It’s awful,” she gasped.
“You just have to get used to it.”
“Why would you want to?”

This time the killer is another sick fuck. I have to wonder where you rom-susp authors get your ideas. Hopefully from some crime site and not from your own fertile imaginations. Just kidding! Anyway, I kept waiting to hear the way he got his victims to open their doors and let him get at them. And the way you describe is so devilishly fiendish and clever that I hope no one ever tries it because I’d be willing to bet it would work – all too well. When I said I didn’t put the book down for the last 100 pages, I meant it. And the final chase scene kept me riveted.

An unputdownable book is a wonderful thing to find. An author who can make my heart race at the possible fate of a victim yet keep from grossing me out with too vivid details is someone I look forward to reading again. And the excerpt from the next book makes me want to be able to read it already and not have to wait. Good deal all around.

~Jayne

Book Link | Kindle | Amazon | nook | BN | Borders
| Sony |

Related posts:

1. REVIEW: Whisper of Warning by Laura Griffin
2. REVIEW: Untraceable by Laura Griffin
3. REVIEW: Thread of Fear by Laura Griffin

I’m a fan of westerns and though that subgenre is making a bit of a comeback as a romance setting, pickings are still slim. It does appear to be a favorite choice of setting for inspies and that is what lead me to read book one in the Texas Boardinghouse Brides series, “The Anonymous Bride.”

Luke and Rachel had grown up together and were a couple people just knew would end up together. And indeed they were planning their wedding when Rachel stunned Luke with the news that she’d quickly married James Hamilton, son of the wealthiest people in town. Gobsmacked and heartbroken, Luke quickly leaves the small Texas town of Lookout and after joining the army, spends 11 years on the western frontier.

Now he’s ready to settle down and stop living out of the saddle. Drawn back home, he accepts the job of town Marshall and almost immediately runs into Rachel and her daughter Jacqueline, or Jack as the young tomboy prefers to be called. Luke’s cousins Garrett and Mark quickly inform Luke that Rachel is now a widow but when Luke denies any interest in her, they cook up a scheme to find him a wife: answering ads for 5 mail-order brides in Luke’s name, figuring that only one of the women would probably actually show up.

The whole town, Luke included, is stunned when 3 women arrive announcing their intentions of marrying him. Since none of the brides will give up her claim, the mayor decides to have a contest with the winner to become Luke’s wife. But Luke has never forgotten Rachel nor she him. Afraid that she’ll miss her second chance to marry the man she still loves, Rachel decides to enter the contest as the Anonymous Bride. Do these two have a chance to find happiness after all?

I thought the story got off to a slow start with tons of backstory to tell about most of the characters and the town but since you’re setting up a series, I kind of expected that. Still, tighter editing would have moved things along. Scenes tended to drag out too long and include extraneous details which didn’t add anything other than length.

Jack is an interesting character as a girl ahead of her time or maybe a girl who wouldn’t be understood and accepted in her time. She wants to do the fun things the boys can do and is a rebel but she’s got strength which makes sense given the background you’ve invented for her. She also learns how hard and painful it is when your nearest and dearest don’t believe you. Perhaps she’s learned her lesson about lying and will at least be honest about her school skipping from now on. I do like how her friends Ricky and Jonesy come to her aid when it’s needed. I’ll give bonus points for the progressing relationship between Rachel and her daughter as each gives and takes a little, now that Rachel knows Jack doesn’t always lie.

Since Luke and Rachel are still in love, the main conflict between them boils down to can they get over what happened in the past and start fresh. You seem to be sticking to mores of the time when Rachel would have lost her reputation if what had happened was known and I can see how she would feel that she was partly, at least, to blame. Then after learning what happened, Luke begins to blame himself – no, really insisting! – that it’s his fault. Usually it’s the heroine who’s Little Miss Martyr in romances but for a while it seemed Luke was about to get out his hairshirt. Yet I do like that once he knows the truth, he doesn’t blame Rachel for what happened.

I like that Rachel decides to do something to try and salvage her relationship with Luke instead of just sitting back and doing nothing. Also that when Ty shows up, Rachel doesn’t try any heroics to turn the tables on him or try to make a break for it since she knows Ty could hurt the others in the house. It wouldn’t make sense for her to suddenly act like Wonder Woman. After she’s taken prisoner, she again is proactive about getting free.

Mark and Garrett irritate me. They do play with these women’s’ lives but seem to show almost no remorse or sense of responsibility. They were the ones to make false promises to the brides yet it’s Luke who gets roped into paying the bill. Then he has to *keep* reminding those yahoos of what they’ve done and usually all they can do is grin and smirk. I realize that the two remaining brides will probably end up with those two and honestly, I pity the girls.

Most of the religious aspects of the book are worked into the story well and make sense for a more openly religious time in our history. There are two intensely religious scenes – when Luke talks with the minister about forgiveness and the end as Rachel proselytizes to Carly and convinces her of her worth and to be saved. Given that the main theme of the book is forgiveness of past wrongs, both of others and of self, I thought these scenes were appropriate. One thing I do like is that Rachel dismisses her too quick thought that God is punishing her for what James did to her by having Luke’s hand in marriage up for grabs by these other women.

“The Anonymous Bride” is a pleasant way to spend reading time. Though I enjoyed watching Rachel and Luke find their second happiness and Rachel and Jack move towards a better understanding of each other, I doubt I will continue with the series. Mark and Garrett are obviously future heroes and neither of them interest me. C

~Jayne

Book Link |   Amazon | nook | BN | Borders | Sony

This is one of the few times that I have seen a nook version and no Kindle version.

Related posts:

1. REVIEW: The Mail Order Bride by Diana Bold
2. REVIEW: The Borrowed Bride by Elizabeth Lane
3. REVIEW: Posh Doc Claims His Bride by Anne Fraser

I like good erotic romance and even though I know that it is hard to do and there are some real clunkers out there, I continue to return in hopes of finding a new gem. While Texas Tangle isn’t a gem that I am going to re-read, it does provide more substance than many of the erotic romances I’ve read of late.

Nikki is a damsel in distress. Her no good cheating husband left two years ago. Her no good derelict brother is draining her dry. Her ranch is on the brink of bankruptcy and her truck just died. (This reminds me of the joke about country music. What do you get if you play a country record backwards? You get your girl back, your dog back, your truck back, etc).

The one thing that Nikki does have is good friends. Her neighbor, wealthy landscaper Dillon, is always offering her a helping hand. (As another aside, I was watching the Last American Cowboy on Animal Planet and damn, ranching is hard. Ned and I have a side bet as to whether the young couple that is portrayed on the show will actually stay married.).

When Nikki finds that her home has been robbed, right down to the clothes in her closet (that remained a WTF moment for both Nikki and me throughout the book), she has little option other than to accept Dillon's invitation to stay in his home.

For Dillon this is pretty much a dream come true. He's always loved Nikki but so did his best friend and foster-brother, Brett, and their competing feelings for Nikki drove Nikki to leave the both of them for someone entirely different. This time, Dillon has Nikki in his house, in his bed, and he's ready to explore those feelings in hopes of creating a permanent home for them together. Except-well, the Brett thing isn't going away.

Some of the book was a bit ridiculous. For some reason, Nikki had to be totally alone. Even her parents berated her for not supporting her brother who was probably responsible for Nikki being robbed. I guess the contrast was there to show how much Dillon wanted to be part of her life and how truly heroic he was but I felt that it was overkill in trying to eke out sympathy from the reader for Nikki. She's alone! Needy! Desperate! I get it!

Brett, Dillon's best friend, is a Barnett only by way of friendship and acceptance, not by blood or by name. Brett had a terribly background and the Barnett's informally adopted him. His desire to be part of the Barnett family wages war with his desire for Nikki. Dillon knows that Brett has had a less than stellar upbringing and he also realizes that if it weren’t for his jealousy driving Brett and Nikki apart years ago that he would never have this current chance with Nikki. Dillon and Brett put Nikki in the difficult position of having to choose. I don’t think it’s a spoiler to say that this is a ménage story because, ah, look at the cover. But I suppose the issue of whether this is a permanent ménage or one of them gets shunted aside is a spoiler.   So spoiler ahead (use the cursor to highlight the text)

As a ménage, I thought this did a better job than most of addressing the realities of a permanent ménage. The three talked and wrestled with the issue of public sentiment and the difficulties of having three people in a relationship. The erotic conflict was well done but as with every other part of the story, it's laid on in a heavy hand.

There isn't much subtlety in the book but because there was an actual story around the sex, I felt that was a win. This book isn't for those who don't like erotic romance (and there are those types of books) but for those who do like erotic romance, I felt like there was decent emotional development and conflict instead of a sole focus on how many sexual positions the protagonists could dream up in the space of a couple hundred pages. The friends to lovers theme is always a plus for me. The longing of all three characters, but primarily Dillon and Brett to grab an opportunity that had passed them by was moving.   Plus there are cowboys, of a sort, in the book.   What? I can’t like cowboys?   C+

Best regards,

Jane

Book Link | Kindle | nook | Books on Board | Carina Press

Related posts:

1. REVIEW: Tangle XY (Anthology edited by Nicole Kimberling)
2. REVIEW: Tangle Girls (anthology edited by Nicole Kimberling)
3. REVIEW: Salvation, Texas by Anna Jeffrey

I was casually perusing the Book Smugglers' blog when I came across this midyear list of their favorite books of 2010 and saw that Ana had given your debut, Bleeding Violet a grade of perfect 10.

Since the book's genre (YA with a paranormal flavor) is one I enjoy, I looked up Ana's review of Bleeding Violet. The book sounded unusual and well-written, and perfect 10's are a rare event on the Book Smugglers' blog, so I thought I'd give it a try. I downloaded Bleeding Violet from the Sony store to my ebook reader, began to read, and found myself engaged almost immediately.

The truck driver let me off on Lamartine, on the odd side of the street. I felt odd too, standing in the town where my mother lived. For the first seven years of my life, we hadn't even lived on the same continent, and now she waited only a few houses away.

Sixteen year old Hanna Jarvinen arrives in Portero, Texas to reunite with her mother, who isn't expecting her. The town of Portero isn't in any way normal, but then Hanna doesn't feel normal, either. She's not only biracial and bicultural (half African American and half Finn), but also bipolar.

As she approaches her mother's house, Hanna hallucinates her deceased father's voice coaching her on how to deal with her mother. Hanna's mother, Rosalee Price, left Hanna with her father in Finland shortly after Hanna's birth, and Hanna has no memories of Rosalee. But the voice of Hanna's father, Joosef, warns Hanna not to wake her sleeping mother by knocking on her door in the middle of the night.

So, after finding the spare key and letting herself into Rosalee's house, Hanna follows her father's advice to lure Rosalee out of her bedroom with the scent of a grilled cheese sandwich.

My grandma Annikki once told me that anyone who looked on the face of God would instantly fall over dead. Looking at my mother-’for the first time ever-’I wondered if it was because God was beautiful.

To Hanna, who did not resemble her Finnish relatives, Rosalee, who looks much like her, is beyond beautiful. Hanna wants nothing more than her mother's approval and love.

But Rosalee is not pleased to find her daughter in her kitchen instead of in Finland. As she learns that Hanna and her father came to the United States nine years earlier, and that in the last year, Hanna's father passed away, Rosalee notices the bloodstains on Hanna's clothes.

It turns out that Hanna struck her aunt Ulla, with whom she had been living, on her head with a rolling pin during an argument over whether Hanna should be committed to a mental health facility. And that discovery is how Rosalee learns that her teenaged daughter hears voices and is prone to violence.

While Rosalee tries to ascertain just how badly Ulla was injured, Hanna settles into the attic and unpacks her wardrobe of violet dresses. Hanna sews her own clothes, and she is going through a purple phase.

Rosalee does not want Hanna to move in, but Hanna digs in her heels and refuses to leave. And so, Hanna and Rosalee strike a bargain: if Hanna can fit in at Portero's high school and in the town within two weeks, she can remain in Rosalee's house. If not, she will leave.

Hanna is elated and determined to make friends and stay, but there's only one problem: she has never fit in anywhere.

Still, Portero is not anywhere. When Hanna goes to the school, she discovers that it is a very strange place, one where glass statues shaped like students get more attention than newcomers, where nearly everyone wears black clothes and uses earplugs for some mysterious reason, and where Hanna's geometry textbook turns into "A Teen's Guide to Living with Bipolar Disorder" with multiple choice questions like this one:

12. All work and no play makes Hanna ____________.
a. eat Cheerios c. go crazy
b. limp awkwardly d. very sad

At first Hanna thinks she's hallucinating, but then she begins to suspect that that's not exactly the case. The other students refer to Hanna as a "transy," and after school, Hanna asks her mother what the word means.

"A transient." She grabbed an apple for herself and leaned against the picture window, since she couldn't sit with me at the table. "Anything transient. Like a mayfly."

I knew about mayflies, had seen them in action during the slow summers at our lake house in Finland. Huge swarms of them rising like dark mist from the lakes, mating in the air in winged orgiastic abandon, only to flutter back down into the water, drained. Dead. An entire lifetime played out in the space of a few hours.

But what the hell was mayflylike about me?

Since the students treat Hanna with indifference, she decides the quickest way to gain acceptance is to attach herself to a popular boy. The best candidate appears to be Wyatt Ortiga. Unlike everyone else, Wyatt dresses in green. Students seem to hang on his every word. And Hanna finds him attractive, if annoying at times.

As Hanna gets to know him better, she discovers that Wyatt is as far from normal as she is, and that he is still hung up on his ex-girlfriend, Petra. But that doesn't stop Hanna from pursuing him. And Petra, who doesn't seem to be entirely over Wyatt herself, does not discourage this.

Petra grabbed my shoulders, leaning on me again, but this time so she could whisper in my ear. "Do yourself a favor and find someone tough, someone like Wyatt, who'll look after you. You'll thank me." She let me go and rushed off to join Lecy.

Someone tough to look after me?

Petra seemed like a nice girl, not quite the bitch I'd been expecting, but even if I'd wanted to be her friend, her attitude would drive me insane. Did she think this was the fifies? I didn't need some guy to look after me. I could look after myself.

The more Hanna discovers about how dangerous Portero can be, the more determined she is to face its threats head-on. And that means becoming more and more involved with Wyatt, who knows more about those dangers than any other kid in Portero.

Hanna's goal is to win the right to stay with her mother, and more than that, to win Rosalee's love. But with threats abounding from sources both supernatural and natural, what will she discover about Portero, about Wyatt, about Rosalee, and about herself in the process?

Bleeding Violet is one of the freshest and most original books I have read this year. I don't want to reveal too much of what is going on in the story, but the world-building is startling and surreal, and some scenes have a dreamlike, hallucinatory quality.

But as great as the world-building was, what I liked even more was the writing and the characterization. The dialogue was exceptional – snappy, surprising and real, while the narration was full of the contradictions that make Hanna such an interesting character.

Yes, the girl may be prickly, even pugnacious, and she's not above using her boyfriend, but her need for love and her determination to attain respect and acceptance made her indelibly appealing to me.

Hanna's relationship with Wyatt stands out from many of the teen romances I've come across because the two jump into bed pretty quickly. One of the things that impressed me was how much I liked Wyatt despite his difficulty in getting over Petra even after he was sleeping with Hanna. There was decency and goodness in Wyatt that Hanna sensed from the first but which he could not see in himself.

Rosalee was also a memorable character – seemingly cold in her constant rejection of her daughter, but more complex than she appears at first. And many of the side characters stand out too, from Wyatt's fierce mother to the insecure Petra to the objects that should have been inanimate but came to life and acquired a personality.

I have very few criticisms of this book. Although the portrayal of Hanna's illness did not seem realistic to me at first, I quickly realized that that was because of the book's surreal quality. I do feel that at one point, during the ramp up to the book's climax, the supernatural goings on overwhelmed the human conflicts a bit, but that problem quickly righted itself.

Besides that, I have just one gripe, and that is that not about the book itself, but about the typesetting for the electronic edition I read. As mentioned before, I purchased the book from the Sony store, and my copy was peppered with question marks in places where I think there should have been dashes.

But those minor caveats aside, I enjoyed Bleeding Violet enormously. Original, quirky, suspenseful, occasionally funny, romantic, and dramatic – it was all these things and more. A for this one.

Sincerely,

Janine Ballard

Book Link | Kindle | Amazon | nook | BN | Borders
| Sony | Kobo |

Related posts:

1. REVIEW: Violet by Design by Melissa Walker
2. REVIEW: Violet in Private by Melissa Walker
3. REVIEW: The Bleeding Dusk by Colleen Gleason

Le sigh…okay I’ll confess that whenever Jane sends me inquiries to review Chick Lit books, or heaven forbid, the actual Chick Lit book itself, I can’t help myself. My fingers itch to at least open the front cover to see if maybe this book will work for me. Sometimes I luck out and sometimes not but in this case, despite a rather lackluster back cover blurb, the Chick Lit goddesses smiled on me.

Sarah Harper’s wonderful fast track career at a big NYC advertising firm is over. Even though she just helmed a major, nationwide ad campaign her “accidentally on purpose” forwarding of an email has brought her a pink slip and a quick trip back home to Houston, Texas. To add insult to injury, J.J., the man who fired her, is someone she had a brief affair with and who got promoted over her and during the long plane ride to Texas, who does she get to sit beside but Everett, the high school boy whose heart she broke years ago. And he said she looks old.

Then once she arrives, her older sister Mackie announces that she and her perfect husband have given up trying to have children. A wonderful, crazy idea takes hold in Sarah’s head and she sees a way to help herself and Mackie too. She’ll be a gestational carrier – a rent-a-womb. It’ll give Mackie what she desperately wants and give Sarah a place to hang out until she decides what to do with her life and career. Getting back in touch with their widower father is a bonus.

But life has some interesting things in store for Sarah including the news that her old boyfriend, Everett, now works for Clive, their father is engaged to a Dolly Parton/Tammy Wynette look alike named Dixie, there’s a part time job in historic preservation with her name on it and she’s due to deliver right smack in the middle of hurricane season. To use a favorite cynical phrase of mine “What could possibly go wrong?”

I’ve read enough Chick Lit books now to know the standard tropes. Sarah loses her job, has to head back home, meets up a former love interest, has other man problems and family problems, has a less than stellar job and takes a lot of the book to find herself. Yet the title of the book says it all. She does get lucky as do many of the other characters. Sarah does do this altruistic thing for her sister, she does end up with a new job she loves, her sister and brother-in-law get the children they’ve craved, her father finds new love with a woman who turns out to be just right and Sarah does end up getting the wonderful guy.

But I like how you throw in some differences from the norm. The story mainly takes place in Houston, which though the 4th largest city in the US, isn’t the first place I’d think to use. And you do make the setting integral to the story from the heat and humidity which an increasingly pregnant Sarah has to deal with to the preservation laws which bring about the situation which gets her a job to the hurricane season which coincides with her due date.

Sarah’s pregnancy is funny to read and obviously written by someone who’s experienced pregnancy in humidity. I am glad that you initially mention all the possible problems, both physical and emotional, that all of them might go through. The temporary hormonal crush on Clive, though slightly icky, seems reasonable. Then you have Sarah experience the feelings of loss from being pregnant then having delivered and the fear of becoming too attached to babies. Anything less than this would have seemed like glossing over the very real pitfalls of the situation. But it’s great that even I – a single by choice woman – enjoyed reading about how pregnancy changes Sarah and what she thinks of it.

Sarah and Mackie have now moved to a new relationship and not only one caused and abetted by Sarah’s surrogacy. Any time someone becomes a mother – they will be sucked into a new reality and persona due to demands of the baby – even if they eventually return a bit to themselves later when baby has grown some. And these two have been so close for so long that any change will be wrenching and must be a shock. I like the touch of reality that everything isn’t perfect in their new relationship and that they need to work things out.

Dixie is delightful if a bit stereotyped. Rhinestone everything and slightly tacky like Dolly but with heart of gold. I love the self defense class she leads and the lessons it teaches for women. But though I thought Sarah deals with the change in her father’s life, Mackie doesn’t seem to. Maybe this is something that will happen later but since Mackie is the one who initially balks at Dixie, I wanted to see her change of heart.

I’m not sure about the April/Veronica subplot. Is it so Sarah gets a chance to be the older sister type? Because it gets Sarah over J.J.? Or it gets Sarah out of the house and away from Mackie when Sarah’s hormones are raging? I never figured this out especially since Sarah’s relationship with J.J. is already over and she’s moved on in her life.

Everett certainly sees Sarah at her worst – when heat and humidity are trashing her during the earlier stages of pregnancy then 8.5 months pregnant with twins, water breaking in the middle of a hurricane. But basically he still loves her from the past – even if he takes a well deserved potshot at her when they first meet. I like that they do discuss past issues before officially getting together and – surprise – he’s not Mr. Perfect, as Sarah enumerates in the last chapter. And a big thank you that Sarah doesn’t turn into a spastic idiot around him.

So, here I am again, a fool for another Chick Lit book. Just call me Pavlov’s dog. I can’t seem to resist the things despite numerous bad books in the past. But, overall, this one is a winner for me. An intelligent heroine who isn’t made to look like a total fool, lots of humor, a suprise twist on her job and a hero who’s a good guy. Thanks. B

~Jayne

Book Link | Kindle | Amazon | nook | BN | Borders
| Sony | Kobo |

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After I enjoyed the previous book in this series, “Wedding Bell Blues,” so much I was excited to see that the next book, about brother Lars, was available. From what went on in WBB, I knew that Lars’ bitch of an ex-wife, Sherice, would be there along with all the other crew characters: the other Toleffson brothers, their wives and sundry members of the small Texas town of Konigsburg. The question was, who would Lars’ heroine be and how would the love story play out.

Jessamyn “Jess” Carroll thinks she’s found a safe-haven for herself and her 9 month old son far away from her rich mother-in-law who is determined that the boy be raised with his Moreland kin, his rich kin, and not by the wife of the son whom Lydia Moreland despised. Lydia is willing to go to any lengths to get her grandson so Jess has fled halfway across the country and lives under the radar. But she steps into the world of the Toleffsons when she answers Lars’ ad for a baby-sitter for his 2 year old terror of a daughter, Daisy. The attraction between Jess and Lars is immediate but it doesn’t take long for Lars to see that everything isn’t as it seems with Jess. Now, can he do anything to help this haunted young woman? And better yet, how does he keep his matchmaking sisters-in-law from taking over the situation?

One really nice thing about this series is that I think new readers can jump in at any point. Yes, there are a lot of characters from the previous books to learn but I think you laid them and their relationships out logically here so it was easy to remember who is who. True, I did remember most of them from WBB but even so this book didn’t start with as much of an info dump and learning curve. As well, the characters haven’t done any 180 degree changes and mainly serve to further the relationship between Lars and Jess.

The humor of the characters adds a nice bounce to the story. Lars and Jess both add mental asides throughout the story which had me smiling and laughing. The dialogue, especially between the Toleffson brothers is great as are the scenes with the scary waitresses in the Dew Drop Inn.

The buildup of the plot involving Jess and the Morelands, and the reaction of the characters to the situation, seems realistic to me. No one immediately jumped on the OMG bandwagon yet at the same time, no one pooh poohed the possibility that Jess was telling the truth regarding what she was up against. I really liked seeing this from Pete the DA and Erik the policeman. And as the final showdown took place, brava for having those two have mini strokes at the short cuts that Lars the Warrior Accountant took to protect Jess and her baby. The fact that Jess feels fine about taking down her mother-in-law is also okay with me.

Thank you for not making baby Jack or Daisy be wittle angels. After all, we’re talking about a 9 month old and a 2 year old who are going to get singularly or collectively cranky at times. God help Lars when Daisy does start flashing her smile at boys for real. He will need to keep that baseball bat on hand. I did have one “oh, no you’re not” moment when Lars and Jess decide to spend the night doing the horizontal bed bounce after finding out that a villain is on the loose. True, I believed the reasoning that there probably, probably mind you, was no danger but still….

The means that the Toleffsons use to persuade, shall we say, the Morelands to better behavior sounds reasonable and more likely to take place than some major FBI investigation. I enjoyed seeing Erik be moved more into his brothers’ lives and would assume that a book with him as the hero is due next. I look forward to hearing his POV on his relationship with the other brothers. I did wonder at the speed with which Lars, who was repenting his hasty first marriage at leisure, dove into a marriage with Jess but I guess that’s twue lurve.

Anyway, it was nice to visit with the friendly folk in Konigsburg, TX again and I look forward to seeing Erik redeemed and, maybe, Wonder and Allie finally get hitched as well. B

~Jayne

This book can be purchased at Samhain in ebook format from Sony or other etailers.

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1. REVIEW: Wedding Bell Blues by Meg Benjamin
2. REVIEW: Baby Catcher: Chronicles of a Modern Midwife by Peggy Vincent
3. REVIEW: Bought for Her Baby by Melanie Milburne

When I told some friends I was reading your YA novel, Flygirl, and what it was about, one of them directed me to this article at The New York Times. It’s about the awarding of Congressional Gold Medals to the Women Airforce Service Pilots (WASP), who provided the United States Army with their valuable flying skills during World War II, in order to free up male pilots to serve in the war.

To quote from your Author’s Note, “Flygirl is a fictionalized account based on the true story of the Women’s Airforce Service Pilots and their heroic feats.” It is also the story of Ida Mae Jones, a brave and determined young woman who is not willing to let anything, even her skin color, stand in the way of her dream of flying.

Flygirl begins in December of 1941, in Slidell, Lousiana, when Ida Mae, the narrator of the story, is eighteen. She and her friend Jolene clean for the Wilsons, a white family, and as they clean, they daydream. Jolene dreams of being a singer, though she doesn’t have the voice for it. Ida Mae’s heart’s desire is to become a pilot, something she already is in every regard but one.

When Ida Mae was a young girl, her father taught her to fly in his “Jenny” cropduster. Ida Mae later prepared hard for her pilot’s test, and performed beautifully when she took it. But her instructor, a white man who’d passed other black pilots at Tuskegee, told Ida Mae, “You can fly, no doubt about it. But no woman’s gonna get a license out of me. Go home, Miss Jones. You’ve failed.”

Now Ida Mae dreams of going to Chicago’s Coffey School of Aeronautics to obtain her license, and she is saving up to finance the trip. But when the Japanese attack Pearl Harbor, her dream is shelved. Ida’s brother, who is studying to become a doctor, enlists in the army. Before shipping out, Thomas asks Ida Mae to look after her widowed mother, her young brother Abel, and her grandfather, and Ida promises that she will.

A year and a half pass. Thomas is stationed in the South Pacific, where the war is going badly. Black families like the Joneses and white ones like the Wilsons ration sugar, coffee, and other staples. Jolene donates her silk stockings to the army parachute program. “Jenny,” the Joneses’ cropduster, remains in the barn collecting dust, since fuel is also rationed.

One day, Abel brings home a newspaper clipping from school. It is an article about the Women’s Airforce Service Pilots program, which will train women to fly military planes within America’s borders, freeing more male pilots to fight in combat. The instant Ida Mae reads about the WASP program, she desperately wants to be a part of it. Here is a way to realize her dream of flying, and to make a real difference in the war effort, to help Thomas in a more meaningful way than rationing sugar and stockings.

Jolene punctures Ida Mae’s ballooning hopes by telling her the program is almost certainly for white women only. For a brief moment, Ida Mae, whose skin is light enough that she could pass for white, considers pretending to be white in order to be able to fly for the military. It doesn’t take her long to realize that such an action is fraught with danger, though, and she tries to give up her dream.

But then Abel points out a picture of a Chinese American pilot who is a member of the WASP, and Ida begins to hope again. With Jolene’s help, Ida Mae forges a pilot’s license, applies to the program and is granted an interview. Just before that interview begins, she sees a black woman being refused entry to the program due her skin color alone. When the interviewer assumes that Ida Mae is white, Ida nearly backs out, but her dream of flying overcomes her fears, and she decides that she if she is accepted, she will join the training program for the WASP.

And so begins Ida Mae’s life as a military trainee pilot in Sweetwater, Texas, a life that is both thrilling and frightening. Even as Ida makes friends with fellow WASP aspirants Patsy Kake, who was part of a barnstorming show, and Lily Lowenstein, a sheltered and wealthy Jewish girl, she wonders whether these women would remain her friends if they knew that she is not white.

The training program is arduous — two out of every three girls wash out — but even more than the long hours of training, it is her deception that takes a toll on Ida, and her worry for her brother Thomas’s safety. Lily and Patsy’s friendship is a godsend, but in becoming part of their world, is Ida creating a gulf between herself and her childhood friend Jolene?

There is also a civilian instructor in the program, Walt Jenkins, who is clearly attracted to Ida and interested in her. Ida’s heart flutters whenever Walt is near. But Walt is white, and he does not know that Ida is black. How can she allow her attraction for him to show without misleading him? And even if she told him the truth, would a future with him mean leaving her family behind?

Flygirl is beautifully written and resonant. Ida Mae remains a sympathetic and believable character throughout the story. She is both courageous and unsure of herself, and I liked the way we see her mature over the course of the story. I also liked that I never felt the book was making a judgment about her choice to “pass.” Instead, we readers are invited to decide for ourselves what we think of her decision.

Ida Mae’s family members are vividly depicted, from her brothers, who respect and admire her, to her mother, who disapproves of her desire to fly, to her supportive grandfather, “Grandy.” Her friends, first Jolene and later Patsy and Lily, are a kind of second family to Ida. I especially liked Patsy, an independent free spirit who worked as a wing-walker in a barnstorming act before joining the WASP.

The romantic elements play a minor role in the novel — it is much more a coming of age story, and a story about how Ida deals with the discrimination she faces both as an African American and as a woman. It is also a book about friendships and family relationships, and their challenges and rewards. And, of course, it is the story of the brave, patriotic women who served their country for little recognition or compensation.

I have just a couple of complaints about this story. One is that Lily, who is Jewish, is depicted as having led a privileged life and is said to have “never known what it was like to be hobbled by somebody else’s rules.” As a Jewish woman, I have a problem with this depiction, because it doesn’t do justice to the prejudices Jews faced in this country in the 1940s. Sometime in the past couple or so years, I watched “The Jewish Americans” documentary on PBS, and I remember seeing that Jews, too, were turned away from many establishments during the 1940s. I find it hard to believe that even after two years of serving in the WASP in several parts of the country, Lily would not have encountered much prejudice.

My other problem was more minor: a moment of annoyance at something Ida did that constituted cheating on one of her tests in my eyes. But since she felt bad about it and did her best to make up for it, I got over that.

One of the things I loved best about this book was the way the 1940s came alive. I truly felt I had been transported there, and was reminded of films from this time period when I read the book. It’s not an era that I often see in novels, so it was a treat to be immersed in it here.

I also enjoyed your writing style very much. Ida Mae’s first person present tense narration was confiding and immediate. There are memorable turns of phrase like this description of a female pilot who gets some bad news: “Melanie looks at me and her face crumples like a newspaper, only all the headlines are sad.”

As I was reading, I felt I was in the sure hands of a capable author. I experienced both sadness and happiness with Ida Mae, and would recommend Flygirl not just to young adults but also to adults who want to learn more about the first women to fly for the U.S. army, or to experience this young woman’s journey. B+/A-.

Sincerely,

Janine

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