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Haiku Review: Lily of the Nile by Stephanie Dray

Jaiku — Wed, 05 Jan 2011 21:00:30 +0000

We briefly enjoyed regular haiku reviews and then our haiku-ist retired. Over Christmas, I found this in my inbox. How fun, right? Bring back the haiku review.

Lovely cover art
Plus Cleopatra’s daughter
Equals auto-buy

You know your Romans.
Wikipedia research?
Not here. The real deal.

Young orphan Selene
The Isis cult sees her as their
savior, last chance

Goddess speaks through her
But is Selene brave enough
to defy Caesar?

Subplot with brother
Kinda reminds me
Flowers… Attic…Ick.

Lucky for readers
Does not go VC Andrews
Grateful for sidestep

There’s hints of romance
But the plot is all about
Selene’s survival

Really enjoyed this
Ending is a cliffhanger
Sets up for sequel

Would I recommend?
As Mama Grizzly would say
You betcha I do!

My grade: B

Thursday Afternoon Haiku Moment: Beyond Heaving Bosoms by Sarah Wendell and Candy Tan

Jaiku — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 22:12:37 +0000

What can I say that
Has not already been said
By Joan’s fab review?

Not a non-fic fan
Was not expecting to like
As much as I did

For me, the best joke?
The list of eye-colors for
Building a hero

Best, that is, until
I saw the "heroines list’
Then I wept laughter

But-then I kept going
And giggled at "alpholes’ and
The dictionary

By the time I came
To "Choose Your Own Adventure’
And Chapter 30?

I HEART YOU, Bitches.
Take my fifteen dollars, cause
It was so worth it.

This book was breezy,
Smart but irreverent, light
But very filling.

I learned a lot, too.
Like Candy’s Pirate fetish
Sarah’s is secret
(my vote is for sheikh romances)

If I had to bitch
About something, I’d have made
Following changes:

One: Loved, loved the list
Of heroine types. But there’s
No hero types list?

Two: Chapter on your
Blog kerfluffles. Bit odd
In a reference guide

Despite my nitpicks
This was well worth the money
And an A from me.

So when does the Bitch
Encyclopedia of
Romance come out, hmm?

This book can be purchased in trade format from your favorite independent bookstore or ebook format from the Sony Store and other etailers.

Thursday Afternoon Haiku Moment: Smooth Talking Stranger by Lisa Kleypas

Jaiku — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 15:30:57 +0000

I am a big fan
You are on my auto-buy
I love your writing

Am less of a fan
Of your contemporaries
But still a fun read

My fave was the first
Loved Sugar Daddy. But the next
Was a little dark.

STS is a
Return to light and happy
But remains poignant

Ella – ‘Dear Abby’ type
But ‘Miss Independent’ is
Not so much her name

Had a rough childhood
Learned to blend with surroundings
Caves to a stronger man

Vegan hippie Dane?
Ella’s boyfriend and the worst
Character ever.

I struggled to start book
Until Jack appeared on page
And then I am hooked

Typical Kleypas
Hero – hot, emotional,
And devoted. Yum.

Sometimes this book feels
More like Luke and Ella’s tale
Than a real romance

Ella does not feel
Strong to me. My main complaint.
Kept waiting for strength

(still waiting)

The baby plot is
Pretty much entire novel
Don’t like kids? Avoid.

Will she get to keep
The baby? Won’t she? Who knows.
Plot makes me anxious.

Stomach stays knotted
As I read. I do not see
How it can end well.

Kleypas pulls out a
Happy end, though, never fear
Put away Pepto.

Those who like baby
Stories? This is an ideal
Read for you. B grade.

This book can be purchased in hardcover from Amazon. No ebook format.

Thursday Afternoon Haiku “The Watchmen” Graphic Novel by Alan Moore (writer) & Dave Gibbons

Jaiku — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 21:32:46 +0000

This? Legendary.
At least to comic book fans
I am piqued by hype

First impression: LOOOOOOOONG.
Story is intricate and
Convoluted too.

Quick recap for newbs:
Watchmen used to be heroes
Govt made them retire

One ends up murdered
The others reunite to
Try and save the world.

The heroes are a
Bit hard to like. Let’s recap:
Rorschach? Psychotic.

Silk Spectre II? Only
Girl and romantic interest
She’s wishy-washy

Night Owl II? A dud.
Doctor Manhattan? BLUE WANG.
Ozzy? Too remote.

That’s the thing here
None of these characters are
Noble, likeable

Felt more like a big
Character study than epic
Heroic saga

There is a romance
Love triangle between girl,
Blue dude, and the dud

Did I mention that
This is a really LONG book?
Felt endless to me

Boat? Must have missed it.
Kept waiting for it to blow
Me away. Just blows.

Joke. Wasn’t that bad.
Wasn’t that great either, too.
Might just be over-hype.

But in the end, what
Does it say that I liked
the psycho guy best?

Too long, dense and no
one to root for. Add unsexy
Blue pecker. C grade.

This book can be purchased in paperback from Amazon.

Thursday Afternoon Haiku Moment: Just One of the Guys by Kristan Higgins

Jaiku — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 21:00:42 +0000

Another contemp
I become predictable
Sorry DA Fans

This one – first person
The POV is light, fun…
Also present tense. :-(

Is ok, Higgins
I forgive for present tense
Because your book? Great.

Men do not want Chas
Female jock masquerading
As dating leper.

Chas still wants Trevor
Her first lover & first love
But they are just friends

I love your voice BUT
Trevor’s “hot fudge sundae eyes”
Every chapter??

The subplots are fun
I wept last hundred pages
Sad but happy end

The best character?
Has to be Scorpion Bowl
Steals the scene, always

Light, fun. I stayed up
Too late reading. Now looking
For backlist. B+

This book can be purchased in mass market from Amazon or ebook format from the Sony Store or 30% off from Harlequin as part of the DABWAHA extravaganza and other etailers.

Thursday Afternoon Haiku Moment: a Deirdre Martin Two-fer

Jaiku — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 22:00:48 +0000

Power Play by Deirdre Martin

Celebs faking love
Same plot as the SEP
But here I love it

Eric’s a player
Both in hockey and dating
His new team hates him

Monica? Soap star
In trouble — about to be
Upstaged by rival

Cure to their problems?
Fake romance for publicity
It’s a win for both.

What’s fake becomes real
They fall for each other fast
Will true love fix all?

What I liked about this:
Both enjoyed being celebs
No whiny bitching

Monica wants her
Picture taken, and so does
Eric. Feels HONEST.

Eric is a dork
And at times, sleazy – but I
Like the dual nature

Choosing between this
Book or WHAT I DID FOR LOVE?
No contest. B grade.

This book can be purchased in mass market from Amazon or ebook format from the Sony Store and other etailers.

Chasing Stanley by Deirdre Martin

Another Blades book
This one features Eric’s twin
Jason as hero

The heroine here?
Jewish dog-walker and all
around stick-in-mud

Right away, I feel
these two are DOOMED for divorce.
Relationship fail.

He wants to party
She’s a homebody who loves
Animal Planet

He wants to party
(even more) but she is scared
To meet new people

He lies to her a
LOT. She can’t add him to her
Busy schedule. Sigh.

The only thing tying
These two together? Jason’s
Massive dog Stanley

I love Martin’s story
But I can’t get past mental
Roadblock for these two.

Still like your voice, tho
I am sticking around for
More Blades books. D

This book can be purchased in mass market from Amazon or ebook format from the Sony Store and other etailers.

Thursday Afternoon Haiku Moment: Passion by Lisa Valdez

Jaiku — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 23:00:46 +0000

First DA Request
You guys are killing me here
Haiku seppuku

Cover made me think
That Passion was Spanish gal.
Nope. English Redhead.

Story starts with bang
No really, hero bangs her
After public grope

Valdez likes words that
Make me cringe: quim & cunt. I
Titter like schoolgirl

Hero talks dirty
They have nasty public sex
I am on page…ten?

Her: Call me Passion
Him: I’m Mark, like the Bible
Me: Puke barf puke

Before we go on
Can we discuss Passion’s dual
chambered vagina?

Hero pushes in…
then… further in? Makes me
Check MY lady-parts.

I have had sex, too.
Last time I checked? One
Chamber vagina.

They repeatedly
Have public sex behind screen
It seems so, so wrong.

Book is like train wreck
PASSION, wish I could quit you
But I still read on.

Goes downhill from here
They have sex and sex and sex
Oh plot, where art thou?

Oh wait, here it is
Sandwiched in middle of book
Hero is blackmailed

Mark needs heirs for line
Passion is ‘barren’. Romance codespeak
for pregnancy plot.

He is to marry her cousin
Oh noes! Cue up one hundred
pages of emo

This is a romance
So all is well that ends well
(and sequel bait too)

My over-all thoughts?
Valdez is talented…but
There is too much skeeze.

Hero is a dirty talker
He tells Passion that she wants it
And how, where…and why.

He is less sexy
And more like a date rapist
And Passion? Doormat.

Creepy scenes in book?
Far too plentiful to count
I have not the words

Like when Mark tells her
That he can fill a shotglass
With c!um? TMI.

Or how about the time
She tells him she has played with
her sisters’ girl parts?

Or maybe the time
when she begins to lactate
& he watches with lust?

And then he is so
Turned on, they make love again
Baby pinned ‘tween them

All that is in book
Not making this shit up, folks
Couldn’t if I tried.

Book leaves me speechless
All thoughts burned out by page 50
I feel dirty now.

Was going with “C”
But is an insult to all
C grades. Sorry. D.

This book can be purchased in mass market from Amazon. No ebook format kids.

Thursday Afternoon Haiku Moment: A Sonnet for Susan Elizabeth Phillips’ What I Did For Love

Jaiku — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 22:00:57 +0000

(Based off of Shakespeare’s famous sonnet)

Shall I compare thee to the A Grade?
Thou art more grating to my skull
A good contemporary should be a lively parade
But I find this book amazingly dull.
Sometimes the heroine whines about life
And the hero pretends to be a jerk
Round after round of endless sniping strife
I despise both and hope it does not work
But just when the lies cannot get any thicker
Georgie decides that she loves Bram – it’s fate
Though they do naught but f&ck & bicker
I hate both of them – hate hate hate hate hate

All say, “Good contemp? Read a SEP!”
A great writer, but I hate your MCs.

This book can be purchased in hardcover from Amazon or ebook format from the Sony Store and other etailers beginning January 27, 2009.

Thursday Afternoon Haiku Moment: Vampire Academy by Richelle Mead

Jaiku — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 22:00:17 +0000

Two years on the run
Lissa and Rose return home
Vampire boarding school

You know the drill here
Hot boys, bitchy rivals, and
Vampire PE class

The tale? Not so fresh.
But before you haters scream
I still liked this book.

Rose is a dhampir
Half-vamp and a mental bond
With Princess Lissa

Rose in Lissa’s brain
Kind of like Dragonriders
But without tent pegs

Dimitri? Cuteness.
Christian? Emo cuteness.
Mason? Ginger. Bleh.

Vamp society
Unique, complex and detailed
Mead outdid herself

Wanted more strigoi
(and maybe just a little
More Dimitri sex)

Adults will enjoy
As well as teenage girls
My vote? Solid B.

This book can be purchased in mass market from Amazon or ebook format from the Sony Store and other etailers.

Thursday Afternoon Haiku Moment: Flat Out Sexy by Erin McCarthy

Jaiku — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 22:00:00 +0000

In a contemp mood
SBs say your book is good
I am won over.

McCarthy virgin
No vamps or angels. Nascar?
Oh boy. Could be bad.

One night stand with guy
In Chapter One. Way to give
the milk for free, cow.

No hate for Tammy
BUT that is kind of cliché
Happens too often

Despite rocky start
(and the Nascar – not a fan)
This is a fun read

The hero Elec
Where have you been all my life
Young, hot, devoted

Ty, Ryder – I smell
Scent of sequels upon you
A bit obvious

Heroine is meh
But I enjoy the hero
And the sex is hot

I waffle on grade
Dahl is hard act to follow
I’ll give you a B.

Thursday Afternoon Haiku Moment: Man in a Million by Jessica Bird

Guest Reviewer — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 22:00:26 +0000

Live under a rock?
Jessica Bird is also
penname JR Ward.

Spike = hero.
Ex-con gourmet chef hottie
Not millionaire.

Heroine is “Mad”
No, really – that is her name.
She is the rich one.

Reverse HP theme?
Maybe. But Mad comes off as
Poor little rich girl

Will they won’t they?
Goes on a bit too long, sigh.
Just get to the sex!

Second half picks up
Sex: Almost as hot as ‘Ward’
Liked it at the end.

Verdict: Is Ward ‘lite’
But Ward lite is still yummy
B minus in all

This book can be purchased in mass market from Amazon or ebook format from Mills & Boon (epub only folks).

Thursday Afternoon Haiku Moment: Talk Me Down by Victoria Dahl

Jaiku — Thu, 29 Jan 2009 23:00:32 +0000

Oh boy, where to start?
Statement: Not a contemp fan-
But Dahl has won me.

It wasn’t the plot
It wasn’t Ben or Molly
Or the hot sexxors

The story? Saucy.
The voice? Fun, frisky & light.
I am your fangirl.

Blushing Sheriff Ben
Naughty kittenish Molly
Turns life upside down

Molly’s secret? Porn.
Just kidding. She writes for an
Ellora’s Cave Clone.

How to describe Ben?
"Metrosexual’ does it.
Want to pinch his cheeks.

There is a stalker
Molly needs a slap to head
(Bit too dismissive)

No worries out there
Romanceland! TSTL
Radar never beeps.

Was giving a B
But write up gives warm fuzzies
So-you get an A.

Thursday Haiku Review Moment: The Last Hellion by Loretta Chase

Guest Reviewer — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 22:00:23 +0000

Amazon grendel
is charming, lord vere is too.
bertie, not so much

headstrong reporter
debauched earl meet-cute in street
banter, love ensue

she wins the horse race
Vere wins her heart. And Tamsin?
Short end of stick, sigh.

Vere + Grenville: love
Tamsin…ends up with Bertie
Why, Loretta, why???

New to Chase books, hmm?
Ignore the bloated pink head
This is a good book.

B+

Thursday’s Haiku Review Moment: A Witch’s Beauty by Joey Hill

Guest Reviewer — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 22:00:51 +0000

A long time romance reader was inspired to write me the occasional haiku review after visiting emilyreads.com. I asked whether she would do one for me once a week and I’ve finally bugged her enough that she’s given in. So Thursday afternoon check in for the Thursday Haiku Review Moment.

A witch’s beauty
Should be "A witch’s booty’
No legs need apply

David angel hunk
Mina is evil slam dunk
Or is she just sad?

Two tentacle legs
Virgin girly parts between
Of course, hero scores

Don’t get excited
Hentai fans! Sex is too tame.
Joey Hill, declawed.

World building is light
I have unanswered questions
Did not read book 1.

Still satisfying
Is it wrong I bought this for
Hardcore squid-leg sex?

C+

This book can be purchased in trade paperback from Amazon or ebook format from the Sony Store and other etailers someday but it’s not even out in Kindle.