Nov 25 2008

The Romance Apologia Scale

By Jane • Letters of Opinion • • Tags: ,

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Every Thanksgiving, we have tried to post something positive, something to show our thanks for the community of readers here.   This year, we are providing a self help guide, so to speak, for the community to respond to those around us who might question the reading choices we have brought with us on holiday.   

We women always seem to be apologizing for something.   We were birthed with the words “I’m sorry” on our lips.   We are apologetic we were first born female. When we arrive at womanhood, we are apologetic for being too loose or conversely too prudish.   We are sorry for staying at home or choosing to work and sending our kids to daycare.   We are sorry that we put ambition before family or family before ambition.   We are sorry for the fact that our stepping away from the partnership track hurts the chances of women behind us.   We are sorry for criticizing those who do hurt the cause of female professionalism.   We are sorry that we have kids and that we don’t have kids or that if we do have kids, we have too many or too few.   We are sorry we spent the morning reading when we could be doing laundry, washing the dishes, coloring with our children, catering to our husband, or talking to our friends, our moms, our dads on the phone.

Last week I wrote about my own reader bias.   When Mike Cane first confronted me with his incredulity that I rarely read male authors, my first response was a defensive one and an apologetic one. No, I don’t read solely female authors.   But I think my first response should have been “why not?” because the fact is, I get plenty of penis point of view and always have.   I’ve been through 7 years of post secondary education. I remember in philosophy class that my professor called the cadre of philosophers DWEBS – Dead White English Boys.   The entirety of my education was dominated by men.   The only female professors I had was in history (she was a women’s history specialist) and in contracts in law school.   My bosses have all been male. I would venture that 85% of the opinions I read are authored by men.   Judges on the bench?   Largely white and male.   The penis and its thought process is everywhere – i.e., Viagra is covered by insurance but birth control is not.

If I spend the entirety of my pleasure reading time devoted to female voices, I should not have to apologize for that. I should be able to glory in it. Yes, in my escape from the world, the pressures of the job, the role of the wife, mother, daughter, I choose to read women authors writing about falling in love forever and amen.   To anyone who might feel like I do, I suggest measuring yourself against the Romance Apologia Scale.

***

When people say “you read romance?” in that derisive questioning way, the correct response is

  1. Only when standing in line to get groceries.
  2. I’m just buying this for my mom.
  3. I do, and let me tell you why.
  4. Fuck off.

Is that a naked man on the cover of your book?

  1. Is it? I hadn’t noticed. A friend recommended it to me.
  2. I thought it was the newest edition of Gray’s Anatomy.
  3. The naked man is simply a visual mnemonic for the kind of meaningful emotional story that is sometimes classified as romance, much like how a gravestone is symbolic of death.
  4. Fuck off.

Isn’t romance formulaic?

  1. I don’t know. I’m buying this for my sister.
  2. This is my first one.
  3. If by formulaic you mean subject to certain genre constraints that epitomize genre books like mysteries and science fiction.
  4. Fuck off

Don’t you get bored with the HEA?

  1. I have no idea what you’re talking about.
  2. You have no idea what you’re talking about.
  3. Are you kidding? That’s the whole reason we read romance.
  4. Fuck off.

Aren’t those books just about sex?

  1. I don’t know.   I just found this on the park bench and wanted to help with the “no littering” effort.
  2. No idea, but my shrink recommended a bottle of wine, a romance novel, and a vibrator for relaxation therapy.
  3. They’re as much about sex as Moby Dick is about chasing a whale. It happens, but it’s not the point.
  4. Fuck off

Romance is trash.

  1. My father brought them home from the Goodwill drop off.
  2. I was just taking this to the trash can.   I think it fell out of my neighbor’s bags.
  3. You must have read a lot of them to make a sweeping judgment like that. Try another and make it two.
  4. Fuck off

My mom used to read those “bodice rippers.”

  1. This is my mom’s book.
  2. Do they still call them that?
  3. The genre has progressed way beyond that stereotypical plotline in the past 30 years. Why don’t you try one and see what you think?
  4. Fuck off.

Why don’t you read something else?

  1. Good idea– what do you recommend?
  2. Maybe I will, after I find out what happens next in this book.
  3. Because reading romances makes me happy.
  4. Fuck off.

****

  

Every time you answered a question with 1, give yourself a 1.   For every question you answered 2, give yourself a 2 and so on and so forth. Add up and see where you fall on the Scale:

8-15:   You are suffering from severe Apologia and should immediately seek help from the School of Certitude. Unchecked,  Apologia   could lead to a lifelong ailment requiring heavy foundation to cover constant blushing, a ready brown paper bag for all packages, and a quip book due to lack of a good comeback.

16-23:   You are teetering on the edge of needing treatment but have passed the intervention stage.   Practice a few “fuck offs” in the mirror everyday.      

23-31:   You are in Explanatory mode. You believe that your actions can and should be defended even to those who will never accord you the same regard. Stuck in this mode, you will become Serious Sally who no one wants to sit next to in class.

32:   You have conquered Apologia and should be in line to be the next candidate a heart beat away from something. Furthermore, you can say, do, and read whatever you like because frankly, my dear, you don’t give a damn.

***

Happy Holidays Dear Author Community! We are thankful that you visit, lurk, comment, and vigorously debate with us.

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By • Letters of Opinion • 88 • Tags: ,