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Recently Received Publicity Don’t

I received an email this morning that contained the following words. I did verify that this was not a hoax but an email from a new publicity intern.

Hi,

I’m from [major New York publisher]. I would like to spread the word on two of our new Vampire novels. The first is [name of Book 1], and the second one (that I just began to read) is [name of Book 2].

Vampire literature is my favorite reading genre, and I think your website is great for people like us, who are true fans of vampirism. However, as of late a lot the genre has been oversaturated with smut, than overall content.

I assure you these two new novels offers something innovated and exciting.

We’ll send free copies of the books if you’re interested.

Thanks

For the record, we are not requesting the books because they don’t sound interesting to any of us, but it shows the danger of the mass emailed publicity inquiry. Because if the publicity intern had read the blog, she would know that we are all about the smutty vampire novels.   The FiMD is spreading.   Need more lolcats (although I read at Gawker or Wonkette that lolcats are so 2007).

Jane Litte is the founder of Dear Author, a lawyer, and a lover of pencil skirts. She spends her downtime reading romances and writing about them. Her TBR pile is much larger than the one shown in the picture and not as pretty. You can reach Jane by email at jane @ dearauthor dot com

36 Comments

  1. Jia
    Feb 21, 2008 @ 15:01:23

    What exactly is a “true fan of vampirism” supposed to be?

  2. Jane
    Feb 21, 2008 @ 15:12:15

    could it be this? story

  3. Shiloh Walker
    Feb 21, 2008 @ 15:22:44

    I dunno, I kinda like the vampire fiction out there lately.

    Of course, I’m also probably one of the smutty writers.

    Oh, well. ;)

  4. Laura
    Feb 21, 2008 @ 15:25:57

    Oh Lordy, I hope her boss didn’t approve that before she sent it out.

    Note to intern: Even if you are going to be unintentionally insulting, please both proofread and spellcheck your mailings.

    Jane, I’d love the names of those books; if there’s no smutty vampire action, I don’t want to read ‘em.

  5. Teddypig
    Feb 21, 2008 @ 15:33:29

    Just what the world needs “prudish” Vampire literature.

    Could this be that new genre Vampire Inspirational Romance?

    You know, where the gentle god fearing but barren heroine saves the slick hip Vampire’s soul and he instantly turns into a cross between a Mormon missionary and an Amish farmer. Prolog is later that month she is pregnant with 2.5 offspring and proud owner of a brand new Jeep Cherokee.

  6. Teddypig
    Feb 21, 2008 @ 15:39:45

    Oh did everyone get their Men On A Mission 2008 Calendar yet?

    Mormen Exposed!

  7. December Quinn/Stacia Kane
    Feb 21, 2008 @ 16:16:36

    OMG Teddy is that real? Lol!

    Speaking as one of those horrible vampire smut writers, I am so glad there are innovated books coming out soon to remedy the foul miasma of sexxoring which I, and others like me, have cast upon vampirism. Something for the true fans…

    I’m so ashamed of myself.

  8. Belinda
    Feb 21, 2008 @ 16:29:03

    Think positive – I think you’ve just found someone who’d love the “Cursed” query letter.

  9. (Jān)
    Feb 21, 2008 @ 16:30:46

    lolcats are considered wince-worthy in most places. Then again, so is vampire smut… ;)

  10. Laura Vivanco
    Feb 21, 2008 @ 16:32:22

    Teddypig, are those men really Mormons or is it a joke site? It says it isn’t, but I’m still not sure. The responses given in the FAQs are a bit confusing. For example, how is the calendar “showing these missionaries as regular people” if the men “were hand-selected for their striking good looks and powerful spiritual devotion”? Doesn’t the fact that they have “striking good looks and powerful spiritual devotion” mean that they’re not “regular people”? Or are they “regular people” in the sense that these pictures are intended to prove that Mormons are not robots/androids/entities which only possess heads and hands, with the space inbetween filled by their modest clothing?

    Whatever the answers are to these questions, I’m sure the producers of the calendar would be gratified to know that they’ve made me think, since it’s proof that “the project is already achieving what we set out to do – it is sparking dialogue, which is the first step toward understanding.”

  11. Shannon C.
    Feb 21, 2008 @ 16:41:58

    Well, I personally am over the vampire smut already. But I totally want more werewolf smut, demon smut, angel smut, or, hell, I’d probably even read Bigfoot smut, if the story was good enough. :P

  12. Teddypig
    Feb 21, 2008 @ 16:45:20

    Laura,
    Did you not know Mormon is the newer, sexier, form of Christianity?
    I find the use of chest shaving amongst the Mormon Missionary fascinating and it is my hope this is further explored.

    It’s all about the holy underwear!

  13. Jia
    Feb 21, 2008 @ 16:54:28

    Shannon C: Bigfoot smut? I don’t know whether to be repulsed or fatally curious!

  14. Jane
    Feb 21, 2008 @ 16:56:08

    I’ve heard that there is ogre-smut coming in 2009. Or wait, is it ogre slaying. Have to go check my emails.

  15. Shannon C.
    Feb 21, 2008 @ 17:02:31

    Well, I can’t say that Bigfoot smut would have me rushing out to buy the book, but I would find the opportunity to read it. And hmmm, ogres in 2009? I am extremely curious now.

  16. Laura Vivanco
    Feb 21, 2008 @ 17:24:47

    It's all about the holy underwear!

    Yes, wholly holy holey underwear (preferably decorated with holly) is where it’s at.

  17. Jill A
    Feb 21, 2008 @ 17:29:03

    Yes, vampire literature definitely requires less smut and more clean wholesome fun. ‘Cuz that’s what vampirism is all about right?

    And until someone comes up with something both cuter AND funnier than lolcats, I’ll stick with them for my “surfing to relieve stress” breaks.

  18. Kcfla
    Feb 21, 2008 @ 17:35:42

    I’m sorry, but I love me the lolcats! And the smutty Vamps!

    Speaking as one of those horrible vampire smut writers, I am so glad there are innovated books coming out soon to remedy the foul miasma of sexxoring which I, and others like me, have cast upon vampirism. Something for the true fans…

    I'm so ashamed of myself

    *SNORT*

  19. Jia
    Feb 21, 2008 @ 17:35:55

    I could get down with some ogre slaying. I think I read a manga once that featured an ogre slayer as the lead character.

  20. K. Z. Snow
    Feb 21, 2008 @ 17:53:48

    Whoa–”something innovated”, “oversaturated” (kind of like being very pregnant, I guess), “true fans of vampirism”? (I myself am a true fan of necrophilia, so I can’t relate.)

    Jane, I really wish you’d post the name of the publisher that hired this illiterate and insulting dimwit. I sure the hell don’t ever want to submit anything to them.

    KZ
    Purveyor of Quality Smut for the
    Discriminatingly Oversexed Paranormalist

  21. Sarah
    Feb 21, 2008 @ 18:09:27

    Dude, Darragha is already bringing the ogre smut over on Dionne Galace’s blog. Not entirely my cup of tea, but it’s definitely… interesting.

  22. Mireya
    Feb 21, 2008 @ 18:09:50

    Are you sure that email was real, Jane? o.O

    Sorry, I know you said you verified but I have to admit I am speechless …

  23. Kim
    Feb 21, 2008 @ 18:44:55

    Shannon, you forgot zombie smut. The original slow hand..

  24. December Quinn/Stacia Kane
    Feb 21, 2008 @ 18:51:17

    Do Mormon men get their garments before marriage, Teddy? I know women don’t. (I’m assuming the men aren’t married yet, because don’t they usually wait until after their missions?)

  25. Kate Scott
    Feb 21, 2008 @ 18:53:14

    I don’t know, I’m with Laura. The mass e-mailing I could see, though it seems they obviously didn’t do their research. But to send an e-mail from a major NY pub and have so many grammatical errors?

    *shudder*

  26. lisabea
    Feb 21, 2008 @ 19:16:15

    Damn Teddypig. I was saving that for Monday.

  27. Kristen
    Feb 21, 2008 @ 19:27:53

    I don’t care what anyone says.

    Lolcats are timeless.

  28. katiebabs
    Feb 21, 2008 @ 22:03:09

    Um I enjoy vampires and I guess smut. So, give me vampire smut any day.
    What about Loch Ness smut? If you have Bigfoot, Tessie needs some love also.

  29. Mireya
    Feb 21, 2008 @ 22:08:59

    Yeti smut anyone?

  30. vanessa jaye
    Feb 21, 2008 @ 22:24:00

    Yeti smut anyone?

    Works for me…. you know what they say about the size of a man’s feet…. nyuknyuknyuk.

    Just imagine the man-titty! the manaconda! the hairballs!

  31. katiebabs
    Feb 21, 2008 @ 22:26:18

    Vanessa OMG! My stomach hurts!
    Imagine that cock puppet? Azteclady, where are yoooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuu….?

  32. azteclady
    Feb 21, 2008 @ 23:15:26

    You rang?

    (And I thought the Loch Ness smut had already made the rounds..?)

  33. janicu
    Feb 21, 2008 @ 23:21:04

    I feel a little sorry for this poor kid, but yes, this was a bit.. FiM.

  34. Michele Lee
    Feb 22, 2008 @ 01:37:28

    Ugh,in the past 2 weeks I have gotten two promo “buy my books” from self published writers, three from a nonfiction company that handles tv related pop culture books, and one from a author offering to discount his (self published) book if I wanted to buy it for review. All were obviously mass emailed, none were what I’m interested in for my pidly review blog. I’ve gotten on a list somewhere though evidently. Let’s not even get into the promo/query I got. Can I possibly yell “Do your research” loud enough at this point?

  35. Kalen Hughes
    Feb 25, 2008 @ 13:05:43

    I'd probably even read Bigfoot smut, if the story was good enough. :P

    I have three words for you: The Venture Brothers. Featuring a cameo by Major Steve Austen (aka the 6-Million Dollar Man), on the lamb with his partner, Bigfoot. *shudder* Oh, how I love that show. When Brock complains about not being warned that Bigfoot is a dude before he shaved him, I almost peed my pants.

  36. darragha
    Apr 18, 2008 @ 23:32:09

    Cow shifters.
    I’m going with those next.
    No bull.

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