Sep 12 2007

Gather Contestant Declares Her Book to Be Man Friendly

images.jpgThis morning I received a delightful link to Men’s Activism.org. The contributor of the article is Trudy W Schuett who is out trolling the net for supporters of her writing competition entry at Gather.com. Her schtick is that she will promote men’s issues through the romance novel.

I've always had unusual ideas for promoting men's issues, and now I've got myself right into maybe the wildest idea yet! I've entered a romance novel competition . . .

I wonder at her familiarity with romances because as far as I know, romances tend to, well, romanticize the male. She also claims that “beta males” are apparently not man friendly.

Imagine the romance genre being invaded by a man-friendly author! There are no "beta male–? characters in my books, no deeply-flawed bad boys, just (mostly) decent human beings who sometimes turn out to be heroes. As in real life.

Of course, I had to read Schuett’s “Man Friendly” offering. It offered up gems like this:

Those boobs are small enough to be real. Abe liked real, especially in this room full of silicone and saline implants. One chick, he noticed, had tits the size of basketballs. Ugh. How was that any fun in bed? Water balloons. He could hear them sloshing when she moved. He moved away from her quickly.

Unfortunately, that doesn’t really fit my idea of Man Friendly. Let’s rewrite

Those boobs were so small that she should get implant surgery. I’m rich enough. Maybe I’ll buy them for her if she goes down on me. Abe liked big, especially in this room of cosmetically enhanced women. If you were small and you didn’t have big, you weren’t really trying hard enough. Because big knockers were awesome in bed. You could squeeze them together and they formed a soft, albeit fake, channel. Though I do hate to hear the big ones slosh around. Shit, what do I care as long as I am getting laid.

Three paragraphs later, Schuett hops into her heroine’s head. And then after two paragraphs with Liz, we are back to Abe.

As she knelt, Abe got a clear view down her dress. They were most likely real. She might be persuaded to stay with him tonight–

This sentence is pretty man-friendly, but let’s massage it a bit to make it even better.

As she knelt, Abe got a clear view down her dress. They were most likely real but they weren’t very big. Shit, who cares as long as I am getting laid. She might be persuaded to stay with me tonight–

We get introduced to two other man-friendly characters, Noah and Brian, for some reason but then we are back in Abe’s head.

"Nouvelle cuisine?–? Abe said, behind her. Shapely, compact little ass. He could imagine picking her up and setting her on the bathroom vanity–

Shapely? Let’s rewrite.

"Nouvelle cuisine?–? Abe said, behind her. Hot fuckable ass. He could imagine picking her up and setting her on the bathroom vanity, the bedroom dresser, the kitchen table. . . Shit, what do I care as long as I am getting laid.

Then there is a lot of droning on about food or something by Liz. Heck, I’m a woman and even my eyes glazed over. Not very man-friendly.

"Yeah,–? Liz sighed. "I was ready to pay the waiter to go down to Arby's for me. No wonder everybody in Hollywood is so thin–"the damn restaurants don't serve food–"nothing but ambience!–? She popped a crab ball in her mouth. "Now this is real food. Thank you, sir, for your kindness.–? She was talking with her mouth full, but she kept eating. When Abe gave permission, she fed the dogs too. "You know, this is the best buffet I've seen lately–"if you have one of everything, you've got a whole balanced diet for the day!–?

Man-friendly would be

"Yeah,–? Liz sighed. "I was ready to pay the waiter to go down on me. No wonder everybody in Hollywood is so thin–"everyone is getting laid–"I wish I could get laid!–? She popped a crab ball in her mouth. "Now what would really be good is having sex right after eating this food. If I got laid well, I would say, ‘ Thank you, sir, for your kindness.’–? She was talking with her mouth full, but she kept eating. Shit, what do I care as long as I am getting laid, Abe thought. When Abe gave permission, she fed the dogs too. "You know, you are the best buffet I've seen lately–"you have one of everything. I hope I can go down on you and get a whole balanced diet for the day!–?

But if we rewrote that provision, I would have to do something about this paragraph.

For the first time since Tanya left, Abe was feeling something. He was letting a woman talk to him, and what was surprising; he wanted to hear what she had to say. He wanted to hold her hand and tell her everything. For a second he was lost in some kind of warmth–"a comfortable feeling she was exuding.

More man-friendly

For the first time since Tanya left, Abe was feeling something- a hard on. He was letting a woman talk to him. Shit, what do I care as long as I am getting laid, Abe figured. He wanted to hold her hand and tell her to do everything. For a second he was lost in some kind fantasy of warmth–"a comfortable feeling she could be exuding later on in the bedroom.

What is wrong with beta-males anyway? How are they non man friendly? And when did eating with your mouth full become so attractive to the opposite sex? But, if you like Schuett’s man friendly entry, you can vote for her. She’s got 24 votes right now and a rating of 8.8/10.

Edited per Kerry Allen’s suggestions. Will polish it up to submit to TRiXY LOINs. Plot synopsis: Small boobed woman goes to Hollywood. Has sex with man and his two shapeshifting dogs.

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  3. Time for Digitizing Is Now Declares Industry Groups.
  4. REVIEW: Gather Ye Rosebuds by Joan Smith
  5. Victoria Beckham, Who Has Never Read a Book, to Start a Book Club

By Jane • Letters of Opinion • 32 • Tags: ,