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Gather Contestant Declares Her Book to Be Man Friendly

images.jpgThis morning I received a delightful link to Men’s Activism.org. The contributor of the article is Trudy W Schuett who is out trolling the net for supporters of her writing competition entry at Gather.com. Her schtick is that she will promote men’s issues through the romance novel.

I've always had unusual ideas for promoting men's issues, and now I've got myself right into maybe the wildest idea yet! I've entered a romance novel competition . . .

I wonder at her familiarity with romances because as far as I know, romances tend to, well, romanticize the male. She also claims that “beta males” are apparently not man friendly.

Imagine the romance genre being invaded by a man-friendly author! There are no "beta male–? characters in my books, no deeply-flawed bad boys, just (mostly) decent human beings who sometimes turn out to be heroes. As in real life.

Of course, I had to read Schuett’s “Man Friendly” offering. It offered up gems like this:

Those boobs are small enough to be real. Abe liked real, especially in this room full of silicone and saline implants. One chick, he noticed, had tits the size of basketballs. Ugh. How was that any fun in bed? Water balloons. He could hear them sloshing when she moved. He moved away from her quickly.

Unfortunately, that doesn’t really fit my idea of Man Friendly. Let’s rewrite

Those boobs were so small that she should get implant surgery. I’m rich enough. Maybe I’ll buy them for her if she goes down on me. Abe liked big, especially in this room of cosmetically enhanced women. If you were small and you didn’t have big, you weren’t really trying hard enough. Because big knockers were awesome in bed. You could squeeze them together and they formed a soft, albeit fake, channel. Though I do hate to hear the big ones slosh around. Shit, what do I care as long as I am getting laid.

Three paragraphs later, Schuett hops into her heroine’s head. And then after two paragraphs with Liz, we are back to Abe.

As she knelt, Abe got a clear view down her dress. They were most likely real. She might be persuaded to stay with him tonight–

This sentence is pretty man-friendly, but let’s massage it a bit to make it even better.

As she knelt, Abe got a clear view down her dress. They were most likely real but they weren’t very big. Shit, who cares as long as I am getting laid. She might be persuaded to stay with me tonight–

We get introduced to two other man-friendly characters, Noah and Brian, for some reason but then we are back in Abe’s head.

"Nouvelle cuisine?–? Abe said, behind her. Shapely, compact little ass. He could imagine picking her up and setting her on the bathroom vanity–

Shapely? Let’s rewrite.

"Nouvelle cuisine?–? Abe said, behind her. Hot fuckable ass. He could imagine picking her up and setting her on the bathroom vanity, the bedroom dresser, the kitchen table. . . Shit, what do I care as long as I am getting laid.

Then there is a lot of droning on about food or something by Liz. Heck, I’m a woman and even my eyes glazed over. Not very man-friendly.

"Yeah,–? Liz sighed. "I was ready to pay the waiter to go down to Arby's for me. No wonder everybody in Hollywood is so thin–"the damn restaurants don't serve food–"nothing but ambience!–? She popped a crab ball in her mouth. "Now this is real food. Thank you, sir, for your kindness.–? She was talking with her mouth full, but she kept eating. When Abe gave permission, she fed the dogs too. "You know, this is the best buffet I've seen lately–"if you have one of everything, you've got a whole balanced diet for the day!–?

Man-friendly would be

"Yeah,–? Liz sighed. "I was ready to pay the waiter to go down on me. No wonder everybody in Hollywood is so thin–"everyone is getting laid–"I wish I could get laid!–? She popped a crab ball in her mouth. "Now what would really be good is having sex right after eating this food. If I got laid well, I would say, ‘ Thank you, sir, for your kindness.’–? She was talking with her mouth full, but she kept eating. Shit, what do I care as long as I am getting laid, Abe thought. When Abe gave permission, she fed the dogs too. "You know, you are the best buffet I've seen lately–"you have one of everything. I hope I can go down on you and get a whole balanced diet for the day!–?

But if we rewrote that provision, I would have to do something about this paragraph.

For the first time since Tanya left, Abe was feeling something. He was letting a woman talk to him, and what was surprising; he wanted to hear what she had to say. He wanted to hold her hand and tell her everything. For a second he was lost in some kind of warmth–"a comfortable feeling she was exuding.

More man-friendly

For the first time since Tanya left, Abe was feeling something- a hard on. He was letting a woman talk to him. Shit, what do I care as long as I am getting laid, Abe figured. He wanted to hold her hand and tell her to do everything. For a second he was lost in some kind fantasy of warmth–"a comfortable feeling she could be exuding later on in the bedroom.

What is wrong with beta-males anyway? How are they non man friendly? And when did eating with your mouth full become so attractive to the opposite sex? But, if you like Schuett’s man friendly entry, you can vote for her. She’s got 24 votes right now and a rating of 8.8/10.

Edited per Kerry Allen’s suggestions. Will polish it up to submit to TRiXY LOINs. Plot synopsis: Small boobed woman goes to Hollywood. Has sex with man and his two shapeshifting dogs.

Jane Litte is the founder of Dear Author, a lawyer, and a lover of pencil skirts. She spends her downtime reading romances and writing about them. Her TBR pile is much larger than the one shown in the picture and not as pretty. You can reach Jane by email at jane @ dearauthor dot com

32 Comments

  1. Tracy
    Sep 12, 2007 @ 09:36:41

    “Those boobs are small enough to be real.” EXCUSE ME? I’m a D cup and they are very real!! Since when are only small boobs real?
    :D

  2. vanessa jaye
    Sep 12, 2007 @ 09:42:55

    …… blink

    ………. blink

    BWHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA

    ::hyperventilating::

    Those ‘re-writes’ were killer. You know… Trixy Loins Publishing might be interested in material like that. ;-)

    pps: YOu might want to add a spew alert to this post.

  3. Kerry Allen
    Sep 12, 2007 @ 09:46:51

    I was kind of disappointed you didn’t work “shit, who cares as long as I’m getting laid” into every one of your revisions. Abe could be disgusted by her table manners, but “shit, who cares as long as I’m getting laid,” and so forth.

    Ugh. I need a romanticized man to cleanse my palate.

  4. ilona
    Sep 12, 2007 @ 09:53:04

    “Those boobs were so small that she should get implant surgery. I'm rich enough. Maybe I'll buy them for her if she goes down on me. Abe liked big, especially in this room of cosmetically enhanced women. If you were small and you didn't have big, you weren't really trying hard enough. Because big knockers were awesome in bed. You could squeeze them together and they formed a soft, albeit fake, channel. Though I do hate to hear the big ones slosh around. Shit, what do I care as long as I am getting laid. ”

    When I am fired for gratuitous laughter, I will come and work for you.

  5. Joanna
    Sep 12, 2007 @ 10:01:24

    Thank you thank you thank you for making me laugh today!

  6. HelenK
    Sep 12, 2007 @ 10:17:03

    Maybe she meant man-friendly as in make the ‘hero’ seem so awful that we’ll be grateful for whatever ‘real man’ we currently have in our life. Instead of wanting these ‘romance’ non-real men.

    After all, why should we expect kindness, fidelity, respect, a man who loves us no matter our shape, a man who’s willing to compromise and all that other crap romances try to shove down our throats, right?

    We should be grateful for a man who’s happy comparing our boobs to every other woman in the room.
    Personally, I don’t want to live in her world. And, I’m happy not knowing her version of ‘real men’ I think I’d have a different word to call them. :)

  7. Meljean
    Sep 12, 2007 @ 10:26:43

    Oh, god! lol! There’s nothing like sloshy boobs to start my day off right!

  8. December Quinn/Stacia Kane
    Sep 12, 2007 @ 10:56:39

    My thoughts exactly, HelenK. It might be more man-friendly, but it doesnt seem very woman-friendly.

    My husband and male beta reader both like my books, so can I start advertising them as “man friendly”?

    It’s a clever ploy, but I seriously doubt that it’s those unrealistic male characters keeping men away from romance novels. Superman et al aren’t very realistic either, and you don’t see men saying “Those characters don’t represent the realities of my life enough for me to identify with them and find them compelling” very often.

  9. HelenKay
    Sep 12, 2007 @ 10:56:42

    Jane – Will you write the end of my book?

    And there’s someone out there commenting who goes by HelenK? Man, I thought I commented, forgot and somehow spelled my name wrong. Need coffee…

  10. EC Sheedy
    Sep 12, 2007 @ 11:02:36

    Frickin’ hilarious!

    EC (wiping coffee from her stained and ruined keyboard)

  11. Kerry Allen
    Sep 12, 2007 @ 11:09:12

    Ah, yes, much better with the revisions. You have to be flexible in this business.

    Or at least have big, sloshy boobs.

  12. TeddyPig
    Sep 12, 2007 @ 11:45:19

    she will promote men's issues through the romance novel

    Hey? Um so she is supporting men’s offspring? Most of the romances I have read lately included procreation as part of the story. Is she anti-abortion or something?

    Maybe she means issue as in men spooging more in romance. So I guess she caught on that most men are faking it in those romance novels. Dang it, how did she find out about that. I thought we pulled it off rather well with those self heating loaded dildoes.

  13. Kerry Allen
    Sep 12, 2007 @ 12:12:03

    The “water balloons” made me think of the surgically implanted bra.

    Slingshot! Great fun at pool parties.

    I think Schuett’s “man-friendly” schtick must have been invented as sort of a promotional tool (Hmm, where can I get votes? Aha! I’ll recruit men! No one else will think of that!) because apart from being funny (which I’m not entirely certain it’s meant to be), it paints a rather appalling picture of both men and women. I’m not familiar with Men’s Activism.org, but if they’re a serious organization devoted to real men’s issues (like prostate cancer awareness and such), they ought to be protesting her portrayal of men as unable to have a thought that doesn’t involve breasts, ass, or sex. Accurate or not, it’s not good for the team’s image.

  14. kardis
    Sep 12, 2007 @ 12:21:24

    Oh, Jane, those rewrites were hilarious! Otherwise I would have been pretty angry after reading that. Does the author honestly think that writing a disgusting pig of a hero will make the book appeal to men? Do I need to start medication?

    Thanks for the laugh!

  15. Ann Aguirre
    Sep 12, 2007 @ 12:33:50

    For the first time since Tanya left, Abe was feeling something. He was letting a woman talk to him, and what was surprising; he wanted to hear what she had to say. He wanted to hold her hand and tell her everything. For a second he was lost in some kind of warmth-‘a comfortable feeling she was exuding.

    That’s…egregious. Abe is a complete peckerhead.

  16. Robin
    Sep 12, 2007 @ 12:42:22

    Here’s Schuett’s response to the DA post: Click Here.

  17. Jane
    Sep 12, 2007 @ 13:08:42

    I would have commented over there but you have to register to comment. Schuett misses the point. I don’t hate her work. Just didn’t think her work lived up to her advertising.

  18. Sarah McCarty
    Sep 12, 2007 @ 13:13:30

    I needed a laugh today. Thank you!

  19. Kalen Hughes
    Sep 12, 2007 @ 13:35:01

    Of course what they don’t know at Dear Author is that I’ve been reading (and writing) the romance genre since 1980.

    And self-publishing! Yes, if you're desperate for more “man friendly romance� you can buy an ebook from Trudy. Though from the short excerpts shown here and on Gather I have to say I've never seen a more “beta� ass-hat of a “hero�.

  20. sherry thomas
    Sep 12, 2007 @ 13:38:29

    I actually laughed out loud at the last paragraph, which is the equivalent of ROTFLMAO.

    I’m puzzled by the idea of an invasion of “man-friendly” romance author. Wouldn’t that be like bring coal to Newcastle, or silicone to Hollywood? This genre is thick with authors who like men and think they are worth writing about.

    And if there is an overabundance of beta heroes ruining romances, that’s the first I’ve heard of it.

  21. Sandra Schwab
    Sep 12, 2007 @ 14:07:20

    Oh dearie me.

    And if there is an overabundance of beta heroes ruining romances, that's the first I've heard of it.

    Perhaps she meant “alpha male”??? And just didn’t get the term right?

  22. Ann Bruce
    Sep 12, 2007 @ 14:12:42

    Merde. The last post didn’t come out right. It should look this this:

    And if there is an overabundance of beta heroes ruining romances, that's the first I've heard of it.

    Perhaps she meant “alpha male�??? And just didn't get the term right?

    Nah, I think she was referring to Alan Cumming type heroes. Gimme humour over brawn any day!

  23. Bonnie
    Sep 12, 2007 @ 14:27:20

    Personally, the first thing I thought of when I read “promote men’s issues through the romance novel” I thought I’d be reading about a man who needs Viagra or has prostate cancer or, at the very least, has testostorone poisoning.

  24. Jerri
    Sep 12, 2007 @ 18:45:23

    The rewrites made my day. Snicker!

  25. Beverly
    Sep 12, 2007 @ 18:59:52

    Maybe I’m missing something, but why would a woman want to promote men’s issues? It’s not like they’re disenfranchised as a group. I could understand maybe men’s health issues, or gay issues or some more targeted group, but men’s issues in general seems a little weird. And to do it in a romance novel form, which most would assume to be targeted at women, is doubly weird.

  26. Samantha
    Sep 12, 2007 @ 20:53:33

    This woman is insane. This is from her entry entitled “Feminism Today”:

    quote” They want as much alimony and child support money as possible, and shifted the dealings with the still-hated ex-husband to the court system. They want more battered women, (the domestic violence industry is a huge cash cow, not to mention a prime opportunity to engineer even more divorces for the other cash cow) so they changed the definitions of abuse, and started accusing all men of rape and abuse. They want permanent, perpetual victim status, and they want to profit by it in some way. That's right now – next year maybe it'll be something different.” endquote

    pardon??? I have entered the Twilight Zone apparently

  27. Jane
    Sep 13, 2007 @ 00:19:09

    That’s very . . . odd. I still don’t understand her claims of a man friendly romance but her personal viewpoints aren’t ones that I care to support with my dollars.

    so they changed the definitions of abuse, and started accusing all men of rape and abuse.

    That’s pretty awful.

  28. Shiloh Walker
    Sep 13, 2007 @ 06:52:12

    Can I promote men’s issues? Maybe that should be my next promo platform.

    I mean surely male vamps or shapeshifters have as many issues as a human guy, right? More?

  29. Heather Holland
    Sep 13, 2007 @ 08:19:56

    Shi, I would think they’d have more issues than the average Joe. We do have to take into consideration the whole fang and fur aspects of the situation. :)

  30. Alyssa
    Sep 13, 2007 @ 11:42:51

    Domestic violence is a cash cow? Well, I need money, so maybe I need to figure out how to get involved.

  31. Samantha
    Sep 13, 2007 @ 14:44:41

    I think therapy is in order…being a female misogynist must lead to real relationship problems for her amongst persons of both sexes. The rest of her articles are just flat out bizarre.

    And the hero in her romance is an asshat that thinks any woman with implants has to be a “loose” woman. Don’t even get me started on the nice girl manicure of the heroine…lol

  32. Norman
    Sep 17, 2007 @ 21:08:51

    Maybe it isn’t clear that she’s not promoting men’s issues..but it is quite clear where YOU stand, you are a confirmed misandrist.

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