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A Special Announcement for the Dear Author Community

As you know, Dear Author takes the business of serving readers very seriously. We know how much of a disconnect there is between what our readers say they want and much of what is being published today. And as excited as we’ve been at some of the self-publishing ventures of authors, we don’t feel like it’s enough to really challenge the status quo in Romance publishing.

So, over the past few months, Dear Author has been in negotiations with a major publisher to acquire books for a new imprint, one that will reflect the interests and priorities of the Dear Author community, and will push the envelope on what’s currently being published in the genre.

And I am thrilled to announce that Dear Author is now in partnership with one of the industry’s most successful publishers to create a new imprint: Dear Author Reads.

Updated: 

We’ve made our first acquisition from newcomer, debut, never been published before author M. Brooks. Check out the never seen before cover and the never released before excerpt!

unnamed (1)

“Do you love me?!” he screamed, then tore open his zipper. Gripping his massive member, he shouted, “When I was fucking you, I just wanted to punch my dick for being inside you!”

“No, Gideon,” I sobbed. “I don’t want it as much as I want you!”

His face contorted with rage, he squeezed. His giant shaft turned purple, like the lilies tattooed across my soul. Balling his fist, he punched the plum-shaped head.

His scream of agony dropped me to my knees.

“No!” I cried. “No!”

His raging fist punched his cock again, his broken cries echoing in my broken soul.

Updated x2: The submissions are coming in fast and furious.

last slither of mars

Captain Jade Lawrence will be the first woman to land on Mars. She and her trusty crew have a mission. Discover if life on Mars is viable as Earth is dying. They think they’re prepared for anything.
They’re wrong.
S’chales is a warrior snake, known to defeat his enemies in one big swallow. Yeah. He swallows, not spits. He’s called by the High Priestess to cleanse his soul . . . and find his true purpose. Shedding his skin is never going to be so hard, but it’s worth it when he meets Jade.

Update x3: The proposals are pouring in from more never before heard from authors. This is for our erotic romance line:

Her Protector

 

Brock “the Rock” Dickson is a man who knows what he wants–and what he wants is SPEEDOS. No…wait…lost my train of thought…what he wants is Lindy Lane, the sweet librarian he rescues during an armed robbery at the local library. Now that he’s saved her life, he demands something that SHE’S been saving: her virginity.

Lindy can’t believe a man as well-endowed as Rock wants to make her a woman, but who is she to look a gift cock in the mouth? What results is a steamy ride with a former Marine who knows exactly how to shoot off a gun in bed.

Update x4: From submission in the comments to successful acquisition. Our speed to market cannot be beat.

image002

Tattooed Dick by DH Clooney

A motorcycle-riding asshole duke in 1812…

            Frustrated by the endless balls that the ton hosts, Leo Gatsby, Duke of Dicaprio, heads out to Massachusetts, USA in the hopes of finding a woman who would love him and not his dukedom. In Concord, Leo discovers a world unseen –a world filled with motorcycles and tattoo parlors. There, he lusts and stalks after a virgin prostitute (a bit redundant, don’t you think?) named Rose Dawson.

An innocent prostitute trapped in Massachusetts…

            All Rose wants is an escape from her life of prostitution (surprisingly her hymen is still intact). Unable to resist her attraction to the new duke in town, Rose gives in to her hussy ways when she discovers Leo has tattooed her name on his gorgeous, enormous, and twitching length of passion. Really, it’s a wonder that she can stay conscious when she’s in the same room as his dick.

Forever thwarted by a nontattooed twin brother…

            Yet trouble strikes in the shape of Michael Gatsby, Leo’s identical twin brother. When Michael seduces Rose, Rose gives in willingly to his loving because she mistakenly believes that her seducer is Leo.  Apparently she forgot to give him a blowjob before letting him fuck her. Reason #69 why women should give blowjobs BEFORE hitting a home run.  When Leo finds out his brother’s heinous treachery, will he forgive his innocent temptress (you guys can really tell I love oxymorons)? Read the exciting conclusion to answer this question: does Leo only HAVE a tattooed dick or IS he a tattooed dick?

 

Note from Author: If you read this book and think to yourself, “Gee, this sounds really familiar. I feel like I’ve read this before in a Leonardo diCaprio fanfic,” this is what I have to say: YOU ARE WRONG. This story IS NOT from a fanfic and it is certainly NOT PLAGARIZED from LeoLover340. Get over yourself and focus on enjoying the story rather than destroying an amazing writer’s career.

Excerpt:

 Leo smiled slowly and dickishly,“I have something to show you, doll.”

 Rose gulped slowly and could only pant her head like a puppy in response.

 Slowly yet surely, Leo unzipped his jeans that he had bought on Bond Street in London. Rose gasped louder than every single romance heroine put together. Leo’s…thing was beautiful. More beautiful and bigger than all those naked Greek statues (although Rose had never seen a naked Greek statue in her life). And it said ROSE on it! Did all things have names on them? Was that how a man could find his soulmate? Was Leo (strong, broken – author note: Leo’s not actually broken but it’s a law that I put the word somewhere in this book –, beautiful Leo) her soulmate?

 She batted her eyes at him. “What is that?”

 Leo laughed huskily and dickishly. “That, doll, is my dick. It’s going to make you a woman when it breaks your hymen. In case you didn’t know, your hymen is inside your vagina.”

Rose stopped. That didn’t sound right at all! “But Leo…are you sure? I read this blog called Smart Bitches and they say the hymen is external (http://smartbitchestrashybooks.com/blog/where-is-the-hymen).”

 Leo rolled his eyes dickishly (are you noticing a pattern?). “Doll, who are you going to believe? Me, the man who’s going to make you into a woman, or some smart bitches?”

Buy the book to see who Rose is going to believe and to also read about some awesome motorcycle sex that may be impossible to accomplish in real life. 

Updated x5: Because no imprint today can be without two important elements: Cute animals and Wealthy men. Together in one PETA approved package, we present The Billionaire’s Kittens. (This will also be a club but the authors haven’t been informed yet. Part of the problem of speed to market. Sometimes things happen to improve on stories without the authors knowing but that’s covered in the contract, page 256, subpart 5, fn 11)

BkLMoSDCYAA8sP5 (1)

My writing partner for every faux book (or fauxbo’s, as we like to call them) and every novel we’ve written over Twitter (or Tweetellas, as we like to call them) has been Karen Booth. Ms Booth and I have studied your publishing philosophy and business model and strongly believe that Dear Author Reads is uniquely qualified to publish our latest exciting collaboration, The Billionaire’s Kittens.
If there are two things we’ve learned from the world of romance and the social media, it’s that women love billionaires and women love kittens! …And BDSM. And, to a lesser degree, Disney cartoons. Because we also love billionaires and kittens, we proudly present for your consideration:
~~~~~~~~THE BILLIONAIRE’S KITTENS~~~~~~~~~HIGH-CONCEPT: “It’s like 101 Dalmatians meets 50 Shades of Grey. But with kittens.”

Katherine is kinky. She likes her sex often and rough. But she’s got a dark secret, and because of that secret she’s certain no one can love her, certainly not sinfully handsome, enigmatic billionaire, Baron Warbucks. Her dark secret? The only thing she loves more than her kink (and Baron) is her litter of one hundred and one kittens.

She’s a crazy, kinky cat lady. Baron could never love her…or could he?
MEMORABLE MOMENT: Katherine to Baron: “Do you want a regular, vanilla relationship with a lady with no cats at all?”
“I can’t believe you said that.” Baron’s face bloomed pink with heat.
“Well I did. Answer me.”
Baron looked down, biting his lip, then whispered, “I like your kinky cattery.” 
RIDICULOUSLY SIMPLIFIED SYNOPSIS: Billionaire Baron Warbucks walks into the heroine’s apartment. She’s worried: “This is it–he’s not going to like me anymore! When he sees my one hundred and one kittens he’s going to think I’m a crazy cat lady.” All is lost.But barrel-chested Baron sees the kittens, yells, “KITTENS!!!” in a high-pitched voice, runs in and start rolling around with the litter, laughing and talking baby talk. Katherine has never seen anything sexier. Baron puts down the kittens, looks at his woman with that intense, smoldering look that only billionaires can give (there’s a license involved, it’s very expensive), and says, “I’m going to take you to the bedroom and make sweet love to you without mercy…as soon as we get all the cats off the bed.”

Thank you for considering our novel for publication. If we hear from you right away with an acceptance and a hefty advance, we may also consider your house to publish our other two billionaire-plus-kitten books:
COMING SOON:
**This cat doesn’t just walk across her owner’s keyboard, she actually writes books on it!
“WRITTEN BY KITTEN: THE LIFE OF MY PROLIFIC PUSSY” Oh, and in this one, the cat’s the billionaire, because, duh, she’s a published author.
**A rogue band of billionaires prowl the streets on their motorcycles looking for their mates. They have a dark secret… They are kitten-shifters!  In “KITTIES’ GOT CLAWS”.
I’ve included a possible cover for our book, though before publication you’ll probably want to take his shirt off and give the kitten a collar. A studded one, of course.
Thank you,
Piper Trace and Karen Booth, authors of romance and rock stars. And kittens.

And our first acquisition:

 

DA Reads

Through DAR, we will be acquiring books in all sub genres of Romance, including historical, paranormal, science fiction/fantasy, inspirational, romantic suspense, contemporary, new adult, young adult, erotic, m/m, etc. We will be looking for stories in both long and short format, and are hoping to put be able to put together some anthologies, as well. Each book will be labeled with the banner Dear Author Approved and will be released in both print and digital.

We realize that this complicates our reviewing platform significantly. At this point we are trying to determine whether we should simply shut down this part of our site and let the publisher take over operations, or whether we can continue to review books, as long as we avoid all DAR releases. One idea we have also been thinking about is developing a writer’s forum that would could provide seeding for new book ideas and give the Dear Author readership the opportunity to share original work and receive feedback from other community members (sort of like the First Page feature, but in a forum environment). However, these are details that we will be working out over the next couple of months, and we welcome any suggestions as to how you think the site should proceed.

As we finalize the details of this innovative publishing partnership, we will be in the process of soliciting manuscripts. Although we are not currently allowing open submissions, we do encourage anyone who has a manuscript you believe would appeal to the Dear Author readership to contact us at [email protected] with a brief treatment of the story and an author bio statement. Please note that emails are not protected as confidential writing, and will be subject to posting and re-posting.

In the meantime, please enjoy the cover image for one of the first releases from Dear Author Reads!

isn't sure if she's an average Romance reader, or even an average reader, but a reader she is, enjoying everything from literary fiction to philosophy to history to poetry. Historical Romance was her first love within the genre, but she's fickle and easily seduced by the promise of a good read. She approaches every book with the same hope: that she will be filled from the inside out with something awesome that she didnʼt know, didnʼt think about, or didnʼt feel until that moment. And she's always looking for the next mind-blowing read, so feel free to share any suggestions!

113 Comments

  1. Kate Sherwood
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 05:24:13

    Happy April?!? Please?!?

  2. Monique
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 06:03:38

    April’s fool ???

  3. Steph from fangswandsandfairydust.com
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 06:25:04

    Congratulations! That is absolutely HUGE and exciting. As Abigail Adams beseeched John (with my personal addition) Remember the Women [The Older Women].

    Wishing you all possible success. Several publishers have their own blog with guest reviewers or official bloggers, Bit this is the first time I have ever heard of a blog branding their own imprint.

    You’re breaking new ground and where you are building the blog on your blog expertise, including reviews, I say new rules are required. As long as your disclosure is visible and drives your policy in re reviewing I think you should do whatever you want.

  4. Steph from fangswandsandfairydust.com
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 06:26:02

    Was this April Fools? Really????

  5. Steph from fangswandsandfairydust.com
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 06:27:21

    @Steph from fangswandsandfairydust.com: I took this entirely seriously. And now I look like an idiot and wasted five minutes.

  6. Carolyne
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 06:36:43

    But…but…Norma Robertson recced the tattooed bad boy rockers!

  7. Ros
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 06:41:19

    @Steph from fangswandsandfairydust.com: The best April Fools are the ones where you could take it seriously. Don’t feel bad. ;)

  8. mari
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 06:57:05

    Ha Ha. “Norma Robertson.” Had me going until I realized the cover was for a straight male-female romance. If DA was really publishing romance it would be interracial transgender polysexual menage. I understand this is a greatly underserved reading need.

  9. wikkidsexycool
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 06:59:13

    Ha ha, good one.
    The part about “let the publisher take over operations” is what sealed it for me, as I don’t believe this would ever happen. And the emails not being secure-priceless. After reading the promo back over, there’s the typo “bestelling” that I didn’t catch the first time.

    I also wonder, can you shorten it to DAR when there’s already a DAR? (Daughter’s of the American Revolution). Anyway, Steph, don’t feel bad. It looks very legit.

  10. CG
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 07:06:58

    @Steph from fangswandsandfairydust.com: Don’t feel bad, I was working up a big fat mad/sad face until I read the comments and realized what day it is.

    Good one, you guys.

  11. Lynne Connolly
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 07:14:51

    Congratulations!
    I’m not a publisher, but I am a writer and I review.
    I won’t review a book by an author who is with a publisher or imprint that I’m also with. I also won’t review an author I know well, or have business dealings with.
    It limits what I can review, but it keeps my reviews impartial. Ethics are important, even if they’re voluntary, IMO.

  12. Lynne Connolly
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 07:15:51

    @Lynne Connolly:
    And yes, good one. The first site to get me today! All those publishers who are giving up ebooks because they’re not selling didn’t fool me for a minute!

  13. Christine
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 07:29:32

    Ha ha ha! Love the bad boy rocker picture!

  14. Amanda
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 07:52:42

    I really love how your tattooed bad boy rocker has no tattoos :)

    Happy April Fools Day

  15. KT Grant
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 07:53:33

    Can New Adult Dinosaur Erotica or New Adult Bigfoot Erotica be submitted for publication also?

  16. Sandra Schwab
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 08:04:33

    Does that mean you’re not going to acquire my Viking snail-shifter 500.000-word romance after all? I am crushed, I’m telling you, CRUSHED!

  17. carmen webster buxton
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 08:17:05

    Phfft! Had me going for a mo. :)

  18. Jane
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 08:18:08

    @KT Grant: Yes.

    @Christine: That would take photoshop skills beyond my capabilities. It took me an hour to figure out the page curl.

    @Steph from fangswandsandfairydust.com: Thanks and don’t feel foolish. We do this every year. One year I opened the DA Literary Agency.

  19. Lori
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 08:35:12

    So my book about the she bear who shifts into a snarky book blogger who can only get aroused when reading books about snarky she bears and MMA fighters with hearts of gold is a go? Or no?

    Can I still submit it for First Page?

  20. Rebecca (Another one)
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 09:22:36

    It got me too. Happy April Fools’ Day. Or is it Fool’s?

  21. Lada
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 09:22:56

    Luckily I was onto it from the start because morning radio already set the day up. But I hope the great story ideas keep coming! There are no ocelot shifter stories I’m aware of. Anyone?

  22. Lada
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 09:24:55

    @Jane: Nice job with the curling logo. Very fitting.

  23. Christine
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 09:31:37

    @Jane: the page curl is awesome! I love how you took the picture from every new adult book out there and made it so generic (and the non-tatooed tatoo part is killer!)

  24. LG
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 09:34:24

    I started reading this and was speechless. Then I remembered what day it is. Good one!

  25. Jane
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 09:37:56

    Here’s the DAR logo for anyone to use!

  26. Jane
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 09:40:08

    Honestly the credit goes to Robin and Sunita because when they approached me my response was “I’m brain dead” but Robin came up with the post and I supplied the graphics. I typed in “sexy couple” at a stock photo site and this was the first image that came up. Seemed apropos. The fact that he was not tattooed didn’t bother me because you all have good imaginations.

    I toyed with the idea of the author name being “Whitney Westmoreland” or something like that.

  27. Cassie
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 09:41:05

    Oh lord, my heart stopped, seriously. I was like, no!!!! It didn’t even occur to me until I read the comments this was your annual April Fool’s joke–I hope. If so, well done! If not, I’m back to Oh Lord.

  28. Christine
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 09:47:54

    @Jane: I use to read all of Rebecca Brandewyne books in the 90s! The Whitney name would have been good too :-)

  29. Laurel Cremant
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 10:41:47

    Nope. April 1st will not have me fooled. But it is a hell of an idea. I’m off to Google to become a Pokemon Master :)

  30. Ducky
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 10:51:34

    Ha, ha! I took this post seriously for 5 seconds, then I remembered today’s date.

  31. Jill Myles
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 10:59:14

    I feel like you missed out on opportunity here. You should have called the line Dearauthor’s Excellent Reads Program. Aka DERP.

  32. inspiring author
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 11:02:08

    This is fantastic news!! I have a 260k novel, a totally new take that’s all about vampires on motorcycles, and their always having hot sex in a desolate but nonspecific future time. You won’t beleive I wrote this whole novel over my coffee breaks in the last three weeks. My best friend read it and she said it was totally ready for publication. Bestelling material!)

    I also have a pile of manuscripts I wrote during NANORIMO over the past several years that are almost as polished, and I’m delighted to send them to you all at once, so you are able to get the full affect. I feel confident DAR will see in them what three hundred agents and editors weren’t saavy enough to appriciate. (I should probably also advise you that several of the manuscripts have been self-published a few times already, though I had to take them out of circulation for a while, because some reviewers are really so mean.)

    I am glad for the opportunity to get in on the ground floor of your new venture!! I will be giving you a call over the next few days to see how your progressing through my stories!! Thank you!!

  33. P. J. Dean
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 11:22:22

    And people in Hell get ice water served by Satan himself! Gotta hand it to ya. This is a really good one! I could actually hear the cacaphony created by writers typing their queries and digging up manuscripts long buried in saved folders.

  34. Sunita
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 11:39:51

    @inspiring author: This one is MINE, all mine.

    Hands off, DA peeps.

  35. Shiloh Walker
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 12:05:51

    You realize, of course, SOMEBODY is now going to write this tortured NA hero who is jealous of his own cock. It’s your fault when it happens, ladies.

    Epic April Fool’s. Well done.

  36. Parajunkee
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 12:13:59

    Brilliant.

  37. Nita
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 12:14:16

    The Shattered Brokeness excerpt has me giggling so hard at my desk. This whole post is hilarious.

  38. Deljah
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 12:23:49

    I read this as serious until I got to “Shattered Brokeness”. Then I laughed out loud! Hilarious! Well done!

  39. Divya
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 12:30:27

    Sunita, would you also look at my submission? I just finished writing a 150 K regency romance set in Massachusetts. My mom edited it and she loved it so much! She actually contributed to my cover quote. I tried self publishing, but ended up deleting it because it was so “universally hated by all seventy six reviewers.” Yeah, right. CLEARLY all the reviewers were the same person, using different personas so she could complete their life goal of ruining my career. I mean, look at this ridiculous review: “Why the holy hell is the hero (a duke in the 1800s) riding a motorcycle to a tattoo parlor so he can get the heroine’s name imprinted on his dick?” Hello, Duke Leo Gatsby of DiCaprio obviously did it to show how much he loves the heroine! I swear reviewers are getting dumber and dumber each day,

    I strongly believe DAR is the perfect place to publish my books. For years this site has been embracing all the different spices that the genre can offer. A new spice I can bring to the table is the anachronistic subgenre of romance. Think about it: dukes are so popular among the historical crowd and motorcycles have been well received by the Kristen Ashley crowd. What better way to appeal to both audiences than to have a duke in a motorcycle? My books will certainly reinvigorate the genre. I anticipate I will become the new FSOG. Yes, people can be books, too. Don’t be a hater.

    In conclusion, I would like to extend my thanks to DA for encouraging me to write books that the genre is clearly lacking. I considered writing books set in the Mughal empire, but then I noticed Jeanine Lin had already written books about historical China. There’s obviously no need for me to write about ancient worlds since Jeanine is already doing it for me.

    I anticipate my submission may lead to intense catfighting about which DA reviewer will handle my book. Ladies, please present your arguments in a calm and concise manner. I eagerly await your response, but will admit that I am biased toward Jane and Kati D because they both love MOTORCYCLE MAN. I don’t need editing at all, but will accept help concerning the mechanics of the motorcycle. There’s a scene where the hero and heroine are having sex on a motorcycle, and I’m nervous that the motorcycle has parts that don’t exist in real life. Obviously I am very concerned that my novel embraces reality. Thank you for your time.

  40. Rachel
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 12:33:47

    Fantastic AFJ. Curious to see if your acquisitions “inspire” anyone’s upcoming novel(s). Who doesn’t love broken cries and broken souls?

  41. Leah Hultenschmidt
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 12:41:55

    Where are the lizards?

  42. Jane
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 12:43:52

    @Divya: Oh my god, I’m laughing out loud. Between you and @inspiring author I can see my TBR pile is going to be growing!

  43. Isobel Carr
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 12:44:54

    @Rachel: And dick punching.

  44. Janine
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 12:54:15

    LOL, I’m so glad I got Jane’s “Don’t freak out tomorrow” email yesterday, or I might have been punked. Great job you guys!

  45. Sunita
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 12:55:07

    @Divya: I’d be delighted to look at it, although of course I can’t promise anything. DAR’s standards are very, very high.

    Have you considered making the Duke an MMA fighter? Who attends college? Chicks dig Dukes who are fighter/college guys.

  46. Angela
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 12:55:25

    I can’t stop laughing at the pitches by inspiring author and Divya! These were great. ^_^

    Obviously these books need to be published ASAP!

  47. Andrea T
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 12:57:07

    Ha! I was looking around me, making sure I hadn’t been slipped a hallucinogenic. I was mumbling, “But…but that guy just punched himself in the junk. And the title has ‘broken’ in it…”

    Great post!

  48. Sirius
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 12:59:00

    Janine, me too :). I can’t wait to read all those books – descriptions sound awesome heh.

  49. CK
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 13:00:07

    Heh. You had me going until I saw the cover for Shattered Brokenness and right underneath ‘massive member’. Well, done ladies, well done :)

  50. cayenne
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 13:00:09

    Awesome. I would love (and probably be terrified) to see what emerges from this imprint, if the samples are representative. I’m eagerly awaiting the time-travelling pirate shipwrecked a the post-nuclear future & forced to engage in some hot bug lovin’. You KNOW it’s the next big thing.

  51. cleo
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 13:06:54

    Now I have a reason to finish writing my merman with PTSD m/m romance.

  52. Divya
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 13:29:47

    @Sunita:

    Wonderful ideas! Now that you mention it, the duke has an identical twin brother who is an MMA fighter. He’s currently pissed at the duke because he’s in love with the duke’s heroine. In my book, there’s a scene where the twin and heroine have sex because the heroine mistakenly believes that she is really banging the duke. She only figures her mistake out when she goes to give the twin a blowjob. See, the twin doesn’t have a tattoo of her name on his dick. A lot of conflict, slut-shaming by the duke, and angry make-up sex ensues. The sequel will feature the twin! You can only imagine what doormat of a woman will put up with his asshole tendencies. I hope DAR will also consider publishing that book.

    Unfortunately, the duke cannot be a college student no matter how attractive that may be to the heroine. He already has to look after his dukedom in England AND stalk the heroine. There are only twenty four hours in a day and if he were to attend Harvard (remember this is set in Massachusetts), he would flunk out of his classes. I suppose he could bribe administration to pass his classes, but Duke Leo is an honorable man. My books are grounded in reality, and I don’t want to piss my readership off by making the duke a cheater in academica.

    As an aside, I am attempting to make a cover of this book, but it is SO HARD to find a stock photo of a dick that I can photoshop (pun intended). I really want to highlight the tattooed dick in the cover. Can anyone help me find a free pic (I am broke) that I can use? I suppose I can always draw my cover art as a last case scenario. If anyone wants to make the cover for me, go ahead! The heroine’s name is Rose Dawson. I’ve already found the perfect excerpt to accompany it.

  53. Brie
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 13:36:36

    I would like to request ARC’s of Shattered Brokeness and The Last Slither of Mars, please. I want to find out if S’chales has a hemipenis, which is totally a thing I regret Googling. And you will too, so don’t!

  54. library addict
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 13:37:46

    Isn’t it some NA rule to have a variation of the Shattered Brokeness title.

    Well done.

  55. Carolyn Jewel
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 13:38:06

    How soon can I get ALL these amazing stories ?

  56. blodeuedd
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 13:40:16

    Awesome excerpt ;)

  57. cleo
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 13:45:29

    This is so much fun. The Last Slither of Mars sounds *awesome*.

  58. Amanda
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 13:46:09

    This has been a rather awful day but this post has been a really, much needed, bright spot. Thank You

  59. kate Pearce
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 14:09:28

    Ooh this is really cool! (see what I did there?) I have this romanticool (TM) book about popsicle flavored magical heroes who live in Antarctica and can only survive in the sun for seconds–unless they meet a woman who keeps them hard!!
    What do you think???

  60. Lindsay
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 15:20:04

    I giggled so much at the blurbs, and I LOVE the cover for Her Protector (especially the font).

    Between this and Bitchster, my day has been made.

  61. KT Grant
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 15:26:13

    @Divya I bet DAR has very skilled cover artists that can create a cover for you. I assume you want a cover that will showcase a rosebud tattoo on the duke’s cock?

  62. Kay Camden
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 15:39:51

    You had me until the dick punching. Then I was like wait a second…

  63. Lynn Rae
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 15:40:16

    Thank you so much. I’m so ill with a cold I forgot it was April Fools Day, much to the disappointment of my six-year-old son who was desperate for a joke or riddle. Too bad I can’t show him any of this.

  64. Robin/Janet
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 15:52:44

    Thank you so much, everyone, for enjoying this post and contributing substantially to its entertainment value!! I think we all need a good laugh (or ten) after everything we’ve been talking about for the past few weeks.

    @wikkidsexycool: I thought for sure the fact that we didn’t name the alleged big name publisher would tip people off, actually.

    Re. DAR, if you Google the acronym, you will see that it’s not only used by the Daughters of the American Revolution, although that’s certainly the most popular reference. I saw that particular connection only after I typed out the DAR shortcut when drafting the post. Since one of the keys to designing a successful practical joke is to simultaneously make fun of yourself and play on other’s (positive & negative) perceptions and/or expectations of you, I decided to leave the acronym as it was. I did wonder, though, when someone else would pick up on it. ;D

  65. Christine
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 16:02:57

    I love the way you covered the male parts in Her Protector with your curled DA logo!

  66. Evangeline Holland
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 16:04:30

    LMAO…and the pitches and Sunita’s responses. *dead*

  67. JenM
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 16:05:22

    The least you could have done was labelled this post NSFW. I sit in an open office, so when I read the first one I then had to try so hard to hold the laughter in that I was almost snorting.

  68. Christine
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 16:06:22

    @Andrea T: Andrea, I think Shattered Brokenness would make excellent fodder for a blog post, tee hee (or a twitter convo)

  69. P. J. Dean
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 16:10:30

    One other thing: you picked an alien and a bad boy rocker but how could you leave out all those Navy SEALS (active or retired) who are also MMA fighters, billionaires, bartenders, motorcycle club members and CEOs of something who suffer from too much manliness while brooding over their latest virgin conquest in the hottest BDSM club (which they own, of course). Cacophony, not cacaphony. My bad.

  70. Jane
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 16:30:00

    @P. J. Dean: Her Protector is both a Marine and a Navy SEAL. He is so awesome he serves in both branches simultaneously.

  71. Bitchie
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 16:35:59

    I was totally buying it until I started to read the first blurb. It was “member” that made me pause, and then the dick punching gave it away. Best joke I’ve seen today! *granted, I haven’t been around the net much yet but so far, best I’ve seen*

  72. Divya
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 17:21:48

    @KT Grant:

    Yes, that would be awesome. However, the cover that I sent to Jane is PG because it occurred to me that bookstores probably wouldn’t display a cover with a dick (also, I gave up on trying to photoshop a dick). Maybe DAR’s designers should make a stepback? Love the idea of the rosebud.

  73. hapax
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 17:30:18

    I notice that all your new acquisitions once again ignore those of us who yearn for more beta heroes.

    May I submit my work-in-progress, THE GREEK PRINCESS’S SHORT SHY VIRGIN TAX ACCOUNTANT?

    She was a tempestuous dark beauty with incredible assets, who desired only to write off her entire wardrobe. Her black and scarlet, silky, transparent wardrobe…

    He was easily to depreciate, until he demonstrated an unexpected flexibility with foreign dividends…

    Together, will they achieve their short-term distributions? Or perhaps, hold out for long-term capital gains?

  74. Jill Myles
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 17:31:00

    Dear EM Patrick, I would read THE LAST SLITHER OF MARS so freaking hard, yo. SO. HARD.

  75. April Martinez
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 17:37:10

    It’s so late in the afternoon, I forgot what day it was, and you got me, really got me. I was actually about to query you about doing book covers for the new imprint, lol. I could use the extra work!

  76. Divya
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 17:51:30

    Thanks for accepting my submission, guys! I feel honored to represent the DAR imprint. Maybe I should actually write the rest of the book now? :D

    (More importantly, thank you for this post. I’ve had a really shitty day after the HIMYM finale and making this “submission” was the first thing that made me forget about it.)

    Divya

  77. Jane
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 17:58:22

    @hapax: Yes, but his dick better be a monster. That’s all I’m saying. Like he’s gotta be so big you can tattoo both first and last name on it in 32 point Times New Roman.

  78. MJONES
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 18:10:29

    I’m so glad my response from earlier this morning never posted… the one in which I didn’t know this was a joke but didn’t understand why DA would not do reviews anymore.

    :: whew :: I can sit back and laugh and pretend I knew all along! HAHAHA.

  79. cleo
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 18:17:22

    This thread is so much fun.

    @hapax – yay beta heroes. You made me lol.

  80. Thea Harrison
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 18:19:34

    *slow applause* This was outstanding.

  81. Sarah M.
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 18:24:31

    Hilarious!! Those are some winning blurbs… :0)

  82. Cassie
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 19:24:25

    I love you guys. That’s all I can say between giggles. Thanks!

  83. hapax
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 19:44:12

    @Jane: Hells yeah. That manroot had to apply for it own Taxpayer Identification Number*.

    *intended for tax administration only, not to be used for identification purposes, as certified by an Authorized Acceptance Agent**.

    ** “in my pants” ***.

    ***hur hur hur.

  84. Sirius
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 20:11:54

    Omg kittens .

  85. Kaetrin
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 20:13:55

    Love the Billionaire’s Kittens – the lip biting was inspired. Moar please.

  86. hapax
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 20:43:55

    A rogue band of billionaires prowl the streets on their motorcycles looking for their mates. They have a dark secret… They are kitten-shifters!

    *dies*

  87. Robin/Janet
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 20:44:22

    So now that we have Tattooed Dick, who’s going to write Spotted Dick — it’s a dessert AND an instrument of sweet, sweet love. After all, “Nothing says lovin’ like something from the oven.”

  88. Paige Prince
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 21:06:14

    I actually took this seriously until I got to the excerpt, then I giggled so hard that my 8 year old came over to my desk to see what was so funny. *closes laptop lid* This is the most epic April Fool’s Day joke I’ve ever seen.

  89. Miranda Neville
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 21:25:06

    I am exceedingly concerned about what Dear Authorization will do to romance.

  90. Piper Trace
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 21:41:36

    OMG, this was so much more fun to put together than the stuff I was *supposed* to be doing today! Karen Booth gets the credit for designing that awesome cover. :) Thanks Sirius, Kaetrin and Hapax! Hapax, your accountant erotic romance was hysterical!

    Divya, this was brilliant: “Rose gasped louder than every single romance heroine put together.” And really, why is there NOT a book out there titled “Tattooed Dick”??

    Thanks Dear Author!! You’ve made our fake dreams come true! :)

  91. Divya
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 22:22:23

    @Piper Trace:

    Haha, I would totally buy The Billionaire’s Kittens. :)

    Also, I will admit that I learned an important lesson today. When I first came up with the idea of Tattooed Dick, I naively thought that a tattooed dick was…well, impossible. I mean, I could not even fathom anyone IRL or in fiction tattooing a dick. And then a couple hours ago my sister was like, “You do realize some men actually have tattoos there?” Me: O_O *goes off to google* DEAR GOD. I learned more about dicks and tattooing than I ever wanted to. Bottom line is that my so called “fiction” could actually be reality. Cry with me, people. What’s left of my innocence is slipping away from me.

  92. Kaetrin
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 22:47:50

    @Divya: After reading that, of course, I had to look too. *My eyes my eyes*

    I stopped after the first picture which was of a guy who had LITERALLY TATTOOED HIS DICK SO IT LOOKED LIKE A SNAKE. In COLOUR!!!

    *rocks in the corner*

  93. Fiona McGier
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 23:04:26

    I LOVE the billionaire who loves kittens…in fact, throws himself into the pile and rolls around with them, before rising with “that smoldering look”.
    The only problem with a prank this involved is that there are no doubt authors who will want to write the books you demand…and readers who will be massively disappointed when they can’t find them here.

  94. Divya
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 23:07:08

    @Kaetrin:

    Hey, if I have to suffer, so does every one else. Plus, you stopped after the first picture. I stopped after the first hour. :P

    Of course, now I will be very disappointed when I read books without tattooed dicks. If you think about it, it is actually a great way to prove your love to a girl (or guy). You can’t get more permanent than a tattooed dick. And who would want to get laser surgery there? Not to mention, I can just see heroes saying that the tattoo makes them MORE virile.

    Authors, if you are reading this post, PLEASE MAKE YOUR HEROES HAVE TATTOOED DICKS! Just think about how much better the next In Death book would be if Roarke went to a tattoo parlor? Wasn’t there one where Eve had a temporary tattoo on her breast and Roarke thought it was a huge turn on? Or, omg, the next Mercy Thompson book. Just imagine all the possible conflicts that could arise! There is so much untapped potential in this genre. :P

    Basically, if 2014 turns out to be the year of the tattooed dick, we all know who to blame.

  95. Kaetrin
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 23:22:49

    @Divya: There is actually a book about a Duke with a tattooed penis. Mandi from Smexy Books put me on to it (of course) but I haven’t read it yet. Apparently, the set up is that a woman is out to get revenge on some guy for something and she arranges to have his dick tattooed because: revenge. The duke is mistaken for said dude and it is his dick which ends up with the artwork. It’s called The Duke’s Tattoo and it’s by Miranda Davis.

    As for the other – it wasn’t so much the tattoos that did me in but the pictures tend to be side by side with other penile alterations which went waaaaaaayyyy beyond my comfort zone. Some of them were unrecognisable. And not in a good way.

  96. Divya
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 23:31:52

    @Kaetrin: Sold. It’s probably going to be ridiculous, but I’m reading for pure crack.

  97. Kaetrin
    Apr 01, 2014 @ 23:50:30

    @Divya: I haven’t read it, but… pretty sure that’s exactly what you’ll get! :D

  98. Willaful
    Apr 02, 2014 @ 00:02:21

    Shouldn’t it be The Billionaire’s Kittehs?

  99. A couple of random notes…
    Apr 02, 2014 @ 00:18:42

    […] that I’m no longer writing steampunk or paranormal stuff and switching over to New Adult. The cover reveal for my first book is up at Dear Author. And I’ll be M. Brook now, because initials are cool. Like […]

  100. Sandi
    Apr 02, 2014 @ 06:12:31

    These are better than many of the ebooks I’ve read lately!

  101. Mina Khan
    Apr 02, 2014 @ 10:06:17

    OMG, I don’t think I have ever laughed so hard…thanks!

  102. Jane
    Apr 02, 2014 @ 10:34:21

    @Divya: Please come and review it for us.

  103. Divya
    Apr 02, 2014 @ 11:29:09

    @Jane:

    Thanks you! I’ve never actually tried reviewing since I’m relatively new to the romance community. I leave that onerous task to you and SBTB. :) But call me up whenever you want a parody of anything! If I ever go nuts and review something, I might send it you as a guest review.

  104. Divya
    Apr 02, 2014 @ 11:30:33

    @Divya:

    Supposed to be *Thank you!* Damn it, iPad!

  105. Lada
    Apr 02, 2014 @ 12:27:53

    So glad I came back…the thread alone is worth it not to mention the updates I would have so sadly missed. Thanks for 2 days of chuckles, DA!!

  106. Erica in Alaska
    Apr 02, 2014 @ 13:41:13

    I was a little freaked out until I hit The Billionaire’s Kittens, then my head exploded. LMAO!

  107. Cassie
    Apr 02, 2014 @ 14:11:26

    Yes, yes, let’s have more stuff from @Devya! You are fabulous! I wanna follow you. :)

  108. Insights and minor achievements. | Persnickety Chickadee
    Apr 03, 2014 @ 03:21:36

    […] also really liked the dear author one, which fooled G for a little […]

  109. Christine Rimmer
    Apr 03, 2014 @ 12:13:16

    This news just makes me want to punch my dick. If only I had a dick…. ;)

  110. LeeF
    Apr 03, 2014 @ 12:27:34

    I am WAY late to the party because I was out of town at a funeral. This whole post with comments is a great spirit lifter as I head back to work. Thanks for a wonderful dose of toungue in check with a side of snarky to get me going!

  111. Nicola O.
    Apr 06, 2014 @ 16:03:52

    There is an old old joke that I cannot remember properly that has to do with a girl who has a very long name, and being upset that her man tattooed someone else’s (short) name on his dick, but then when the lovin’ started, the whole long name was revealed.

    It’s funny when told properly, but yeah, tattooed dicks have been around a long time. From what I understand, that is.

  112. Fiona McGier
    Apr 06, 2014 @ 23:45:29

    @Nicola: the joke has a guy bragging to his friends that he got his girlfriend’s name tattooed on himself. He shows them, and her name is Wendy. Then he goes to relieve himself and notices that the guy next to him seems to have her name on his dick also. He comments on how odd it is that they have the same girl’s name tattooed in the same place. The other guy laughs and tells him he just isn’t seeing it at its best. When it’s hard it says, “Welcome to Jamaica and have a nice day.”
    At least that’s how I heard it.

  113. Nicola O.
    Apr 07, 2014 @ 21:31:04

    LOL, that does sound about right. Thanks for filling in the details!

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