Oct 19 2012
Guest Post: Authors Against Bullying by Mandy Roth
The story of the Canadian teen who committed suicide because of bullying—but not before she told her story via a YouTube video— has hit me hard. What makes the matter even worse are the comments on the video by trolls. Some are so hateful, so horrific that simply typing them out to include here would make me ill. The horrible comments, the fact a young girl was driven to suicide (she is not the only person to have taken their own life due to bullying) and the countless other accounts/forms of bullying I’ve been reading about have all come to a head for me. I found myself vocalizing as much on twitter. I shared a tiny portion of my youngest son’s struggle with being bullied. My inbox, DM and tweet feed flooded with supporters. Some were well-wishers, some were dealing with something similar with their children, others experienced bullying themselves. The list went on and on. It became very clear my feelings on the matter were not mine alone. Many felt the same way. Many felt more needed to be done.
Yasmine Galenorn and I decided to gather our writing friends and peers and invite them to take a stand against bullying. They responded and together we are Authors Against Bullying. Each author participating is posting to their blogs on Oct 19th. We will have links to each other provided to make for easy navigation. We hope that by sharing our stories, our thoughts and our views on it all that we will help bring more attention to something that is fast becoming an epidemic.
Bullying comes in many shapes and forms. It wears many masks and happens to people of all ages, races and sex. I encourage all of you who have had your life touched by bullying in some fashion to share your story—to help others see they are not alone. October is National Bullying Awareness Month and we hope all of you join us in standing up against bullying.
Thank you Dear Author for helping us spread the word.
Mandy M. Roth
Authors Against Bullying:
- Mandy M. Roth
Yasmine Galenorn
Lauren Dane
Michelle M. Pillow
Kate Douglas
Shawntelle Madison
Leah Braemel
Aaron Crocco
NJ Walters
Jax Garren
Shelli Stevens
Melissa Schroeder
Jaycee Clark
Shawna Thomas
Ella Drake
E.J. Stevens
Ashley Shaw
Jeaniene Frost
Rachel Caine
Kate Rothwell
Jackie Morse Kessler
Jaye Wells
Kate Angell
Melissa Cutler
PT Michelle
Patrice Michelle
Julie Leto
Kaz Mahoney
Cynthia D’Alba
Jesse L. Cairns
TJ Michaels
Jess Haines
Phoebe Conn
Jessa Slade
Kate Davies
Lynne Silver
Taryn Blackthorne
Margaret Daley
Alyssa Day
Aaron Dries
Lisa Whitefern
Rhyannon Byrd
Carly Phillips
Leslie Kelly
Janelle Denison
Graylin Fox
Lee McKenzie
Barbara Winkes
Harmony Evans
Mary Eason
Ann Aguirre
Lucy Monroe
Nikki Duncan
*Each authors’ opinions on bullying are their own and do not necessarily reflect the views of all participating.
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Authors Against Bullying | Michelle M. Pillow Blog
Oct 19, 2012 @ 10:51:31
[...] Dear Author [...]
Oct 19, 2012 @ 10:55:49
Thank you Jane for helping to spotlight this blog event.
Oct 19, 2012 @ 11:24:43
I’ve taken the Amanda Todd feeds off of my kids’ Facebook pages. I think that with so much negativity in many of the comments that her story has been lessened, if that makes any sense.
It is horrible that a young girl felt that she had no other options, and this is what I tell my kids even before her story came out.
1)Remember that anything you do can show up on the internet, and will be there forever.
2) Never post a video of another person – although you may find it funny it may hurt their feelings.
3)Although something may seem like a really big deal for the next four years, in fifteen you will only think “Wow, I can’t believe that affected me like that for so long, and yet it was such an inconsequential thing.”
I hope that the RCMP do something about this.
Oct 19, 2012 @ 12:21:11
I’m very proud to be a part of this important event, and empowered by all the stories of hope and encouragement I’m reading today. It’s wonderful that people can get together and promote the positive. Thank you to Mandy and Yasmine for putting this idea into motion. Thank you Mandy for all the hard work you did coding blog links. Thank you Dear Author for helping bring attention to the issue. <3
Oct 19, 2012 @ 12:56:10
I’m really so glad I got to be a part of this event. There are so many stories that are flying on all the blogs today, from the bloggers and posters. Mandy is beyond awesome for putting all this together, for all the coding and instructions and for getting it all organized. Thanks to both Mandy and Yasmine for the idea and getting the snowball started. :) THANK YOU, Jane and Dear Author for getting the word out about Authors Against Bullying. You guys all rock!
Jaycee
Oct 19, 2012 @ 13:06:38
Thank you for taking s stand against bullies. It effected our family many years ago. Today my daughter is a strong young woman who helps other girls.
Oct 19, 2012 @ 15:47:30
Thank you, Mandy, for organizing these posts. As I read through them, I am shocked by how similar many of the stories are. A few themes seem to arise:
Parents: Help your kid not be a target. Sure, you want to raise a unique individual, but social camouflage is a useful skill.
Teachers: You are often the front line. I know you have a lot to do, but dealing with bullying could literally mean a child’s life.
Kids: It really does get better. Read those authors’ posts and see what they did with their lives. Stay strong.
Authors: Thank you for creating new worlds for us to escape into, until it really DOES get better.
Oct 19, 2012 @ 15:49:45
I guess I wasn’t as unmoved by STGRB as I thought I was, because every time I’ve seen “authors against bullying” come through my Twitter feed I get a little panicky, thinking “Oh no, not again.”
So that’s interesting.
Oct 19, 2012 @ 15:51:07
@Jessa Slade: I haven’t read the posts but if those really are the themes coming out, I’m not impressed. All of those points put the onus on the victims – don’t let your children look like victims, watch out for the victims in your class, use fiction to escape if you are a victim.
Here’s how we deal with bullying: stop the bullies. Not the victims.
Parents: teach your children what bullying is and not to do it
Teachers: do the same
Kids: don’t bully other kids.
Oct 19, 2012 @ 15:51:19
@Jessa Slade:
Boo hiss, victim blaming, boo. hiss.
Oct 19, 2012 @ 15:51:35
@Ridley: I had exactly the same thought.
Oct 19, 2012 @ 16:22:10
Thank you for spotlighting this. I’m currently teaching my service-learning, introduction-to-research, anti-bullying project to my 8th graders. The statistics are staggering, and the stories that emerge are heartbreaking.
The scariest part, though, is always having them turn in notes on what they’ve learned about the long-term effects of bullying, the ones that often linger into adulthood.
One year, I was teaching the same unit to 9th graders, with my own son in the room. When we got to that point, where they were talking about the long-term effects, the expression on his face was sickening, and I knew he was thinking of the same person I was: his brother, who we’d just removed from school due to depression and suicidal ideation over bullying.
I shared a little in the comments over at Kate Rothwell’s blog how my son’s bullying impacted him and our family. It’s taken a while to reach the point where I could talk about what happened without being suffused with anger, but it’s important that we do talk. It’s important that we talk about bullying because talking about it builds awareness. Building awareness means hopefully finding a way to stem it.
If talking about it prevents one child from experiencing what mine did, prevents one parent from experiencing what my husband and I did, prevents one family from experiencing what ours did, then it’s worth it.
Thank you again for opening the door to this conversation.
Oct 19, 2012 @ 16:31:18
@Ros:
“Here’s how we deal with bullying: stop the bullies. Not the victims.
Parents: teach your children what bullying is and not to do it
Teachers: do the same
Kids: don’t bully other kids. ”
Yes. Exactly.
The “social camouflage” sentence was a trigger for me as the parent of a child who experienced bullying. There was no excuse for what happened to him and it was not his fault. The problem did not lie within him, but within other young people who for whatever reason had been allowed to believe it’s okay to harm other people.
Even if my son had put on his “social camouflage,” the target would simply have been someone else’s child.
Oct 19, 2012 @ 17:17:44
Linda, thank you for sharing and I’m so very sorry to hear that happened to your son. I agree that building awareness is very important. And the bullies are to blame and all those who allow the bullying behavior are to blame–never the victim. Yes, if one person is helped by talking about it all then it was well worth it. Thank you again.
Oct 19, 2012 @ 17:22:03
I agree, stop the bullies! Not the victims.
Each author has different views and opinions of what bullying is, how to handle it, how to move forward. My hope is that someone reading the posts today who might be struggling with bullying stumbles across one of the posts that speaks to them and helps them.
Thank you again, Dear Author, for helping to bring awareness to what we were trying to do. Bullying needs to stop.
Oct 19, 2012 @ 17:43:38
Jessa, The way I read most of the posts today was not blaming the victims (or telling them to hide their uniqueness), but quite the opposite: empowering them and giving them hope.
Oct 19, 2012 @ 18:16:48
Colour me cynical about authors using a day focussing on a serious issue to draw attention to their blogs and their books. I don’t remember seeing any of the listed authors protesting about the co-opting of the word ‘bullying’ by the ‘Stop the GR Bullies’ bullies. Wouldn’t that have also been a particularly appropriate time to talk about real bullying and the effect on people? Especially when STGRB are focussed on attacking YA readers and reviewers?
I clicked at three names at random from the list and found Jackie Morse Kessler is doing a giveaway of her books because they feature bullied protags – and the winner will be chosen from the commenters. Sounds like bog standard promo to me.
Are any of the featured authors donating proceeds from book sales to anti-bullying charities? I’d be pleasantly shocked to find this was the case.
I know some of the authors are speaking from their own experiences, which I don’t want to diminish. But it’s like Mother’s Day – paying attention on one day doesn’t do diddly, if you ignore your mothers/the issue the other 364 days of the year.
Oct 20, 2012 @ 11:08:45
@Ann Somerville: Then you probably didn’t see my thoughts on STGRB. I’m not surprised.
I guess I’m slightly let down by some of the comments here. Since publicity never entered my mind. What entered my mind was how I’m still slightly panicked to ride a bus and talked to my kids a lot in preparation for their riding the bus. But I guess my blogging about that was just a publicity stunt.
Bullying is an emotional topic. I found I couldn’t read many of the other posts because they upset me too much. I hesitated to respond here because I do know it’s such a heart wrenching topic. I feel its one of the most important things facing our kids today. To say that trying to prepare your kids is victim blaming isn’t helpful. Neither is trying to brush off what some are trying to say on the topic. How does that help anyone? Seriously? How does it help anyone who is trying to address the topic of bullying by diminishing the efforts of some. I’m sorry. I don’t understand that.
Oct 20, 2012 @ 12:43:00
@Ella Drake:
You know what isn’t helpful? Victim blaming. You know what victim blaming is? Shifting part of a perpetrator’s blame onto his or her victim. You know what exemplifies this? Telling kids to work harder to conform so they won’t be made a target.
Do you know why this isn’t helpful? Because you’re making excuses for bullies when you shift the blame onto victims. It’s enabling bullying by treating it as inevitable. If I want tackle bullying, why the hell wouldn’t I diminish somebody’s stone stupid idea to blame victims by encouraging kids to be more normal? Why would I want to shift any blame off of a bully?
Oct 20, 2012 @ 12:54:48
@Ridley:
So let me get this straight.
Are you telling me that I’m victim blaming? Because you’re wrong.
Oct 20, 2012 @ 13:20:52
@Ella Drake: If you think @Jessa Slade‘s advice to parents to discourage their children’s individuality so as to not attract bullies’ attention is valid advice, then yes, you’re victim blaming.
Oct 20, 2012 @ 13:27:51
HA! I just noticed Julie Leto in that list. How against bullying can she possibly be if she sympathized with STGRB?
I’m calling this cause marketing and filing it away with the pink shit.
Oct 20, 2012 @ 13:42:23
Wow, the cynicism on display is quite disappointing. Have the past year of blogging issues really left us this suspicious of everything? I think anyone who’s been bullied in some form would sympathise with this cause and want to contribute in any way they can. If something like a give-away gets in more page views and brings more attention to the issue at hand and maybe raises some money for some anti-bullying charities that desperately need it then I fully support that.
Oct 20, 2012 @ 13:52:24
@Ella Drake:
Agreed, bullying is an emotional topic.
Which is why people have strong feelings about it, especially when they have been victims of bullying themselves. People recover, or not, in different ways. One thing is certain, though. If the manner of expressing one’s opinion on a matter close to one’s heart becomes the focus of discussion, instead of the opinion itself, then a worthy debate has nowhere to go but into recrimination.
At Dear Author bullying has been a year-long topic. If readers are sensitive to authors vocalising opinions on the subject it is for a reason. Simply because the victims being discussed this time around seem to be children does not automatically change that. Vulnerabilities and upsets still linger. Talking openly and honestly about bullying takes trust. It is perfectly understandable and reasonable for readers to ask themselves whether the authors of this group effort banded together and took a similar stand when reviewers were under attack. Likewise, it is perfectly understandable and reasonable that one’s children prompt an author to action that one might not take for strangers. It does mean, however, that the purest of intentions may not easily translate as such to a reader who feels let down.
Until nobility of mind becomes magically transparent, fallout will happen. It may not feel fair, but does one participate in a good cause for personal recognition or to promote something bigger than oneself? What need is there for halos? A lot of gratitude has been expressed by commenters at the various blogs. You set out to draw attention to a cause near to your heart, and in the process offered comfort and support. Much remains to be done, but many readers will also remember that you cared and shared.
Oct 20, 2012 @ 15:31:26
@Ros:
While I agree with stopping the bullies, I also think it’s important for parents to give their kids the tools to try to ‘not’ be the easiest of victims, if it’s possible-this isn’t about ‘victim-blaming’… it’s about doing everything in my power to make sure my kids are safe, healthy and happy.
I teach them to stand up for themselves, and to be kind.
I teach them to have a solid sense of self-worth, and to respect others.
I teach them to value their differences, and to value differences in others.
I teach them to fight back, and to stand up for others.
While I definitely think the best way to stop bullying is to STOP the bullies, I won’t wait for that to happen-I don’t want any child to be the next victim, and I’ll do everything in my power to give my children the tools they need to avoid being one of those victims.
This doesn’t mean the blame belongs on victims-please don’t take this to mean that. The blame belongs on those who abuse, and those who turn a blind eye. Plain and simple.
I firmly believe that in an ideal world, a woman should be able to walk naked, unmolested, down the darkest of streets. I think the weirdest, geekiest, nerdiest child should be valued and respected, not picked on, belittled, demeaned. But we don’t live in an ideal world.
Hoping, waiting for that happen isn’t going to protect that child when he’s coming face to face with bullies-in that very moment. Telling the bully not to bully, in that very moment, isn’t going to stop things when the victim is already being abused and hurt.
One thing we need to do to help curb the bullying problem is maybe find some way to…well, yeah, empower those who are being bullied and maybe encourage them to find the inner strength they need to stand up to bullies.
The victims of bullying are not to blame…but when they are dealing with the pain, the misery, the fear, do they care about blame? Or do they just want to find a way to make it stop?
If they find a way to make it stop, that’s one thing they’ve taken back, on their own. And if parents can give their kids the tools they need to make them less likely to become a bully’s target, then that’s one less victim-ahead of the curve.
Oct 20, 2012 @ 16:30:19
@Shiloh Walker: I do see your point, Shiloh. But you say yourself that all parents can do is try to stop their child from being ‘the easiest victim’. That doesn’t stop bullying, it just diverts it onto someone else’s child. The only way to stop it is to deal with the bullies.
I am not a parent (though I am a former teacher) so I don’t have a particular stand in this issue. It does strike me as extremely worrying that advice to parents almost always presumes that their children are victims/potential victims. Someone’s children must be the bullies and I think we need to do a LOT more to help those parents know what’s happening and how to stop it. I’d like to suggest to every parent reading this that they take a few minutes to think about whether there is any possibility that their child is bullying another. And if so, find out and do something about it.
Oct 20, 2012 @ 16:37:21
I agree with this, and everything else you said in your comment.
What I agree with most, however, is what you did NOT say, and which others have, to the distress and anger of many in this thread:
You did NOT say: “I teach [my children] that there is anything unacceptable or wrong about their hobbies, interests, looks, or personality that they can change to keep them ‘safe’ from bullying.”
Because just like we know that rapists don’t choose their victims because they “look slutty” or “dress provocatively” or “send the wrong messages”, we know that bullies don’t choose *their* victims because they have long hair or play D&D or laugh too loudly.
The “social skills” involved in navigating the elementary and junior high school popularity ladder translate to pretty much NOTHING except… being popular in elementary and junior high school. To teach our kids that their place in this hierarchy will make them “safe” from bullies, or reflects anything meaningful about their personal worth (and this applies as much if not more to the “popular” kids as to the “rejects”) is false, cruel, and counter-productive.
Oct 20, 2012 @ 17:36:57
@Ella Drake:
“Then you probably didn’t see my thoughts on STGRB. I’m not surprised.”
I’m not surprised either since I’ve just looked at your blog posts back to April and there’s not a dicky bird on the subject. I did a links round up on the STGRB pushback so I’m very familiar with how few authors spoke out against it.
Do, by all means, link to where you posted about this. Comments on someone else’s post don’t count.
“I guess I’m slightly let down by some of the comments here. Since publicity never entered my mind.”
I take what you say on face value, but some of your fellow authors are using it for publicity – and as Ridley pointed out, one of them is actually someone who is in *favour* of bullying.
“I guess my blogging about that was just a publicity stunt.”
Whether it is or it isn’t for you, I’m not going to say. I take you at your word that it isn’t. But blog tours are a common promotional device, usually tied to some worthy cause, and usually as much use to that cause as a chocolate teapot. If you didn’t want your blog to be considered part of a promotional push, maybe you could have spoken out about bullying some other time and in some other way?
I notice you don’t address whether anyone of you are donating book profits to anti-bullying charities.
“Bullying is an emotional topic.”
Agreed.
” I found I couldn’t read many of the other posts because they upset me too much.”
Then how do you know how many of your fellow authors are using it as promo or not?
“I hesitated to respond here because I do know it’s such a heart wrenching topic. I feel its one of the most important things facing our kids today. To say that trying to prepare your kids is victim blaming isn’t helpful. Neither is trying to brush off what some are trying to say on the topic. How does that help anyone? Seriously?”
How does emotional manipulation of the ‘How dare you criticise my motives? Why don’t you think of the *children*?’ help? Some of the blogs listed above are marked as suitable only for adults! How does that help *children*?
“How does it help anyone who is trying to address the topic of bullying by diminishing the efforts of some. I’m sorry. I don’t understand that.”
I think you understand just fine. You understand that some of us may be just a tad cynical about purple washing, especially given the lack of action by most of those authors on bullying issues in their own online community, and you’re trying to guilt trip us into ignore our natural skepticism.
Sorry, Ella, it doesn’t work like that.
Oct 20, 2012 @ 17:39:20
@Ceilidh:
“Have the past year of blogging issues really left us this suspicious of everything?”
Yes. As have years of bad and suspicious and downright manipulative behaviour by too many authors.
“I think anyone who’s been bullied in some form would sympathise with this cause”
Cause yes. Book sales, no.
“If something like a give-away gets in more page views and brings more attention to the issue at hand and maybe raises some money for some anti-bullying charities that desperately need it then I fully support that.”
Please indicate which of the authors listed above are donating anything to anti-bullying charities.
Oct 20, 2012 @ 18:28:38
@Ann Somerville: Where to begin with that. You make a lot of wrong assumptions about me. Insulting, actually.
Why would I blog about STGRB when authors like me draw toxic comments when we venture forth to comment on hot topics? Especially in any corner of discussing the review world? I’ve followed DA for years. I rarely comment. Many authors do feel that opening themselves up to giving personal opinions is treading a line between having a reader see them instead of seeing their fiction. I usually fall on the line of not stepping into the fire. Quite simply because of things like this.
As for STGRB why would that be a litmus test for whether or not I can blog about bullying? Why should my blogging or not blogging mean my views on bullying are any less valid? If you want to hunt down my opinions, I mostly give them on twitter. But I flatly deny that my having an opinion on STGRB has an impact on my views on bullying.
Comments on other people’s blog don’t count? You know what? Where is there a rule book on how you express your opinion has certain weight in one form or another? Do I get points? Are there fouls?
“Then how do you know how many of your fellow authors are using it as promo or not?”
Yes, you’ll just have to take me at my word, my blogging wasn’t about publicity. I said I didn’t blog for that reason. I cannot speak for others. But I do wonder why paint a broad swath on a topic where so many are speaking of their personal victimization by assuming the worst of them?
“Sorry, Ella, it doesn’t work like that. ”
Apparently not.
Oct 20, 2012 @ 18:28:55
This. My child gets bullied. He knows what bullying is and what it isn’t. He doesn’t need to be educated on what bullying is. He knows it very well. His concern is with getting through it without being scathed by it. If I can give him the tools to do that, then I will.
I’m really disappointed in some of the comments in this thread though. It’s disgusting to watch the US vs THEM debate going on in an anti-bullying post’s comments. It’s kind of ironic that there’s bullying going on in an anti-bullying thread, too. It’s completely missing the point of the original post and it’s grade school behavior. Twisting someone’s words to create drama and make them mean something that they don’t mean does nothing helpful, especially when it’s obvious that people are just doing it to drive traffic back to their own sites.
Oct 20, 2012 @ 18:37:22
@Suzan Butler:
Bullying? Are you serious? Criticism and disagreement aren’t bullying.
Maybe I was right to get panicky when I saw “authors against bullying” after all. It basically is the same thing all over again. Disagree with people, get called a bully. Rinse, lather, repeat.
Oct 20, 2012 @ 18:39:53
@Ella Drake:
“Why would I blog about STGRB when authors like me draw toxic comments when we venture forth to comment on hot topics?”
Because you feel strongly about bullying?
Oh wait….
“Why should my blogging or not blogging mean my views on bullying are any less valid?”
Only because you were sarcastic about me not seeing what you said about STGRB, and now you’re saying you were too chicken to actually say anything.
“Where is there a rule book on how you express your opinion has certain weight in one form or another?”
No rule book. Just knowing that some authors were prepared to stick their neck out to stand up for readers… and some were not.
But hey, link to your comments! I’m sure they were fabulous. Come on, what did I miss?
“But I do wonder why paint a broad swath on a topic where so many are speaking of their personal victimization by assuming the worst of them?”
I told you. I took a small random sample and immediately ran up against unadulterated shameless promo. Which is exactly what I’ve seen on blog tours on other causes like GLBT rights, anti-homophobia, and anti-bullying in previous years.
Why do I assume the worst? Hon, because I’ve *seen* the worst. And here you are, acting all hurt about me wondering why I should take you lot seriously over bullying, when you flat out tell me you’re not prepared to risk your skins over the issue.
Guess what. Some of us – authors with sales and personal reputations and personal safety at risk – aren’t that cowardly. We spoke up. We paid the price. You didn’t. I feel perfectly entitled to call you out for hypocrisy. Oh – and I was a victim of bullying at school too. You don’t get to play the ‘more victimised than thou’ card at me.
Oct 20, 2012 @ 18:41:18
@Ridley:
“Bullying? Are you serious? Criticism and disagreement aren’t bullying.”
How are we supposed to support a group of people who don’t even know what it is they’re speaking out about?
Oct 20, 2012 @ 18:45:24
@Ann Somerville:
I don’t need to prove myself to you.
Oct 20, 2012 @ 18:46:53
I an going to close the comments now. I think the critical points have been made on all sides.
Oct 20, 2012 @ 18:49:10
@Ella Drake:
“I don’t need to prove myself to you.”
Well, you kind of do if you expect me to praise you for taking a stand on something.
Since it looks like you never said anything about STGRB, your very first comment here:
“Then you probably didn’t see my thoughts on STGRB. I’m not surprised.”
is just a teeny bit dishonest, isn’t it?
And you wonder *why* I’m skeptical about this sudden concern for the poor, poor bullied kiddies on the part of all these authors with books for sale?
If you’d kept your mouth shut, no one would have realised just how dishonest you’re prepared to be to flog your stuff.