Aug 18 2008
Husband Wanted
Blogger M has launched a blog plea for help. She wants to be married and not because she can’t handle a drill or open her own doors or that she is afraid of being independent. It sounds like she wants someone to share her life with her. Isn’t the what romances are about? The best ones, in my opinion, are two adults who want to share their life with someone else, not because their lives are empty without another.
Her description of what she wants (and isn’t that hard to articulate) is really wonderful:
I no longer want someone just to be there; I want someone to lead when I start to forget where I’m going and to make me laugh when I’m taking life too seriously. I want someone who isn’t afraid to tell the truth, even if it makes me cry. I want someone who can admit when he’s wrong so that he and we will always be able to grow. I want someone to sit in the dark with- no words necessary. I want someone who isn’t afraid to drop everything and go anywhere. I want someone who will not settle for mediocre, for almost, for halfway. I want someone who doesn’t give up and won’t take no for an answer (unless it’s me saying it). I want someone who isn’t afraid to sneak in the back door at a party we weren’t invited to. I want someone to present a different angle at life, at art, at music, at politics (mmm-. let’s not get too crazy). I want someone to help me decide what is or isn’t best for my child; someone to balance the scales so that my daughter isn’t a mini replica of myself, regurgitating all my own opinions and attitudes towards the world. I want someone to teach me things I would have never thought to learn. I want someone to get lost with, to grow with, to discover with.
I particularly liked the line about the balance. I hope that authors, when they write their books about love and happy ever after, know the answer to the why question. Via Teleread.org.
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Aug 17, 2008 @ 15:36:22
I want the same thing, unfortunately I am never go to find “the one” because my standards are too high and I won’t settle. And at 32 I am very scared because I feel that I am heading for aloneville.
Aug 17, 2008 @ 15:38:31
I’m so sorry, Blogger M. I’ve already got a grip on this guy, and I’ll be damned if I’ll let go.
(Beautifully said . . .)
Aug 17, 2008 @ 15:43:39
Tell Blogger M to pop over to http://www.alaskamen-online.com/ and take her pick. I moved up here to Alaska when the men outnumbered the women ten to one. Now, the ratio is more like three to one. Word must have gotten out. Better hurry.
Seriously though, muster the courage to get outside your comfort zone and *go where the guys are!*
Sincerely,
Kimber An (whose Alaska Man is All That and Then Some, way over a decade and four babies now ;)
Aug 17, 2008 @ 15:52:51
Aloneville’s not so bad–the property taxes are cheap, the neighbors friendly but distant, recreation activities are vast, and there’s no housing authority to tell you green is a terrible color for a kitchen. You could do worse than living in Aloneville.
Aug 17, 2008 @ 16:16:06
I’ve been around the block a few times and there is no perfect guy. I think the best you can do is find the one with whom you can just be totally yourself and the rest will follow. Unless you’re like incredibly lucky and manage to get the whole package.
My DH is not perfect. And God knows I have my days when I wonder what the hell I did getting married. But he’s the first one ever, and that’s saying a lot, to stick with me and all my crap. That he stays with me is something I wonder at all the time and feel incredibly grateful for cause I’m no prize either.
M has some nice fantasies though. :)
Aug 17, 2008 @ 16:37:31
Dang, I am going on what? 8 years now. But ya know I always marry the bad boys so I constantly have problems but it is never dull.
Aug 17, 2008 @ 16:51:05
Can’t have mine, either. We’ve already made the down payment on the wedding & reception. :)
I totally thought I was going to end up living in Aloneville, too, but I’m, uh, not. And I never lowered my standards, one single tiny bit. I just apparently live in a romance novel.
(I know, I should STFU.)
Aug 17, 2008 @ 17:01:30
I’ve had someone like that for twenty-three years now. Thanks for reminding me how incredibly lucky I am.
He may be far from perfect in a lot of ways, but he’s perfect in all the ways that really matter.
I hope you find the same.
Aug 17, 2008 @ 18:56:49
I guess this is no different than guys who put up billboards looking for a wife. The blog venue might net M a book contract or at least a spot on a morning show because let’s face it, the public eats stuff like this up. But I’m not so sure it will land her a husband–at least not a long-term husband.
I’m in no position to give advice. I married young and have been married to the same guy for more than 30 years. I got ALL the things M is looking for and then some. I don’t blame her for not settling.
But I think M’s logic is a little flawed. Men do appreciate women who can take care of themselves. Mine does, that’s for sure.
Methinks she’s looking in the wrong places.
I do like the way M articulated what she wanted. Very nicely put. I just think she needs to throw the net a little farther and someplace less impersonal than a blog.
Aug 17, 2008 @ 19:36:07
If M is really looking for a husband-type, she needs to refine what she’s looking for and move away from the trite descriptions and vagary that she posted. Because honestly, what she’s posted is random romantic notion, and I can’t find you a guy based on that.
And for me, online dating was invaluable for a couple of reasons. One, I was applying for jobs at the same time and it helped to keep my spirits up to reject 5 bachelors a day who were inarticulate and vague about what they were like, what they were looking for and had crappy grammar. Two, it helped me refine what I was looking for and realize yes, there’s a particular physical and mental type that really does it for me. And that’s fine–it’s better to keep in mind the type of fellow when looking for a date that go after just anyone.
Aug 17, 2008 @ 20:07:49
LOLZ Kerry…I was thinking the same thing. This is the perfect example of how women think differently than men of a marriageable age, although anyone can argue what that is. I don’t think there are any guys my age who will say “Lets just sit here in the dark and be quiet.” And do you really want someone who is going to voice an opinion and make you cry? “No honey…that dress doesn’t make you look fat. All that fat on your ass makes you look fat.”
But hey, I’m an admitted cynic. My motto is ‘the #1 cause of divorce is marriage’.
Aug 17, 2008 @ 20:53:09
Well, maybe all the vague and romantic descriptions don’t really matter, because she also says: “And lastly (and mostly), I want someone who will bring me closer to God through the simple act of living.”
I’m not a Christian, so I don’t know what that means.
Aug 17, 2008 @ 21:28:33
I’m a cynic too! She blogs all about how strong she is and how she doesn’t NEED anyone, thank you. But she wants a man, and here’s the first thing she wants from him:
So she doesn’t ‘need’ anyone…except someone to lead her around. Um, okay.
Aug 17, 2008 @ 21:49:50
Uhm, another cynic here. Oh, and M, you might want to rethink this one:
This advice coming from the woman whose man repainted the living room/dining room more times than I’d like to recall all because it didn’t look right. For three years we ate in the kitchen on every holiday. Mediocrity is highly underrated sometimes. But, hey, good luck with your search.
Aug 17, 2008 @ 22:16:14
How true. And how sad that women still think finding the “perfect man” is the be-all and end-all of their existence. If we have work to do, friends to talk and laugh and cry with, family and pets to love, occasional partners to enjoy without the burden of psychological stress, emotional trauma, or physical abuse . . . “Aloneville” is a fulfilling place to be. And not lonely at all.
WTF?
Aug 17, 2008 @ 22:16:24
I can agree with the spirit of what M wants. She wants a partnership, and she’s right to want that. The problem is trying to find it, because those are things you learn about a person only when you’re in the relationship. It’s hard to know what to look for in another person that will tell you he or she is partner material. Someone can be cute, hot, funny, sexy, adorable, intelligent, passionate, philosophical, spiritual, gorgeous, talented, or any combination of these and not be someone you can settle down with as a trusted life partner.
Not like I have the answers! I got lucky enough to get a second chance with someone who is by no means perfect, any more than I am. But damn, we are good together. The best path I know is to be strong in yourself and the best person you know how to be, while being open to possibilities in those you meet. And try not to be fooled by the package.
Aug 17, 2008 @ 22:21:14
What she really needs to find, is a guy that she can love when he fails at every single one of her stated criteria. Because that’s what people do: they fail and fail and fail, and fall off every pedestal you put them on.
But when you can find one that you can love anyway because he’s still a nice guy? Someone you can count on? That's the one you marry. And if he can put up with the same level of crap from you? Then it'll stick.
Married to my high school sweetheart, over here. The first guy I ever dated. It'll be 25 years for us, next March.
There’s a lot to be said for getting a stand up guy, who is not a total jackass, and who can look at the ‘real you’ and not run screaming for the door. If you can get that, you are not settling for less than the ideal.
Aug 18, 2008 @ 08:02:01
“What she really needs to find, is a guy that she can love when he fails at every single one of her stated criteria.”
Exactly what I would have said. Sometimes we’re using the wrong criteria anyway. The thing that makes a relationship work is not some random criteria but that you both want to make it work.
Aug 18, 2008 @ 08:15:53
Amen, Christine!
I also married the first guy I dated in high school…ok, the first guy who didn’t later decide he was gay! But we didn’t hook up again and marry until we were in our 30′s, so I guess it took awhile for us both to grow up. He’s not perfect–indeed, he never met a chore he couldn’t put off until I do it, and he watches too much Comedy Central. But he’s honest, loving, kind, patient, smart, and a great father. He puts up with all my flaws, usually without comment. And btw…you don’t want your husband to “tell [you] the truth, even if it makes [you] cry.” If it involves “you need to stop drinking,” or “you’re running our finances into the ground,” something serious like that, ok. But generally, I’m more than aware of my shortcomings as a wife, mother, and human being, so if I’m asking him for his “honest opinion,” I’m looking for reassurance, and I pretty much want him to lie.
And the “getting closer to God through the simple act of living.” I’m a devout Christian, and that’s a little vague for me, too. The thing is, you get closer to God through studying His word and doing His will. It’s not always an emotional event. And my experience is, that most men, even very religious ones, benefit more from their wives’ spiritual practice than vice versa. Plus, you need to seek God on your own. You and your husband can encourage each other and help each other grow, but he can’t really bring you closer to God, or vice versa. In the end, it’s an individual’s journey.
Still, best of luck to her. I remember feeling so lonely and frustrated…but if I’d known that I’d get married at 33, I wouldn’t have wasted 15 yrs obsessing about not being married.
Aug 18, 2008 @ 08:24:23
I love my mate, and we’ve been together for over a decade now, but there are times…Aloneville has it’s draws.
HYSTERICAL!! There’s that, too… or that an accent wall in burgundy is “tacky” and that you “don’t have the best taste”… I think it’s the new house thing, though…and we don’t have HGTV to bounce ideas back and forth off of. I’m hoping, anyway. It would be sad if the “dream house” is what finally does us in. :(
Best of luck to anyone looking, though. My sister is the same way, but sometimes you just have to wait it out. Better to know yourself first, anyway, than have to grow up in your relationship. Going from “Mentor” to “Partner” is seriously throwing my own Hubby off…I swear he lectures now just for the sake of hearing his own voice sometimes.
Don’t mind me. The whole ‘accent wall’ fiasco was yesterday, and I’m still smarting.
Aug 18, 2008 @ 10:33:24
Amen, Christine. I got together with mine at 36 (he was 32). That was 10 years ago. And that’s exactly how it is, of course, good communication, willingness to compromise and work on making things work out do help a lot too.
I met mine in an online, real time, text based RPG based on Anne McCaffrey’s Dragonriders of Pern series.
Aug 22, 2008 @ 08:58:47
katiebabs: I feel ya. I’m 34 and looking at Aloneville, as well. Mostly, I’m ok with that, but some of the things M mentioned I totally understand. Like the leading thing. I didn’t get that she wanted to be told what to do; but rather, than sometimes, it would be nice if someone else was responsible for a short time. It can be exhausting, at least for me, to be always on top of things all by myself. Sometimes, I’d like to just hand over the reins for a day. KZ Snow, all of those things you mentioned are very important (friends, family, pets, etc), but you did mention “occassional partners”. While you may be wired to be OK with the periodic partner, some other people are not (like me; I tried the casual affair several times and it was totally unfilling in every way). And I think, IMO, that what M was saying, was that she would like a permanent partner. Anyway, I get what M is saying and I think there are a lot of women out there like her. I also don’t think it’s about “needing a man”. It’s more about wanting one. For a long time. And what’s wrong with that? (or wanting a woman for a long time, if that’s your taste).
Jan 22, 2009 @ 16:13:06
Nice vintage 1950 guy in Far northern California looking for a conservative gal. He will see her across the rough spots and asks only to be held, wanted, appreciated. She always looks as good as she can no matter what time has done. She isn’t whiney is cheerful, and loving, kind, doesn’t smoke, use drugs, or abuse alcohol. He works hard and hopes she does too. He loves to travel and wants to find the special gal he knows is out there, SOMEWHERE.