Dec 26 2009
First Page: Unnamed Contemporary
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The woman in his bed looked nothing like any groupie he’d seen before. He found that kind of intriguing. After twenty-five years in the business, he didn’t get a lot of surprises anymore.
He liked surprises.
The girl didn’t stir as he fished in his pockets for his wallet, change, hotel keys and phone. He dumped them on the massive desk next to the window. Next he pulled out all the business cards and scraps of paper people had stuck in there tonight, stuff he’d never look at. He took off his suit jacket and black mesh t-shirt and tossed them on a chair, still watching the sleeping girl.
When he’d returned to the Marquis tonight, he hadn’t had to fight his way through as large a crowd of crew, friends, press and assorted hangers-on as usually thronged a hotel on a tour stop. Redneck Metal were veterans like him, guys in their forties who’d first made it twenty years ago. They’d done the Sodom and Gomorrah On A Bus dozens of times already. Recovering alcoholics and former junkies committed to sobriety didn’t need the same level of debauchery they once had, especially not with their guitarist back in rehab after a spectacular fall off the wagon. They all knew how easily it could’ve been one of them.
Hell, Marsh Galloway had brought his wife along, and it wasn’t one of those send-the-wife-shopping-while-I-bang-the-groupies setups, either. A couple of the other guys had their wives and kids joining them at different spots on the road. It was as close to family friendly as this kind of music got.
So far he’d enjoyed his last minute stint as Guest Guitar God. The whole "living legends together at last" PR had worked. Every venue had sold out weeks in advance. He’d told Marsh he thought forty-three was kind of early for legend status. The forty-six-year-old bassist had just laughed
He glanced in the mirror and then took a second look. Not too bad for an old dude, by rock n roll standards. Not nearly as many lines on the face as there should’ve been. Clean for ten years, he worked out a lot, and it showed. He slapped his flat belly, smiling with grim satisfaction, and flexed his biceps. Sooner or later, no matter how much iron he pumped, the skin would start to sag. God only knew what the tats would look like then.
He tried to imagine what Keith Richards would’ve looked like now if his arms and torso were covered in ink, and he shuddered.
Sighing, he went to sit on the edge of the bed to pull off his boots. The girl didn’t stir, but began to snore very softly. He smothered a laugh. How long had she been waiting for him? Who’d let her in here? And what the hell was up with those clothes? Tight, worn blue jeans showed off a sweet ass, but they were too long, rolled up at the ankles. And the Houston Astros jersey nearly swallowed her.
Fuck. What if she weren’t a groupie? What if she were homeless and had somehow gotten in here?
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Dec 26, 2009 @ 06:54:16
I like. Where can I read the rest of it? :) Although, tattoos are not something that would make Keith look worse, nothing can… he he.
Dec 26, 2009 @ 07:39:43
The guy has a great voice, and this is a well written page…but the alarms are going off in my head. Right now he’s not exactly princely material – he’s looking to fuck a groupie (and it sounds like one of many). Herpes! Diseases! Manwhore! says my skeevy alarm, but it’s well written, so I’m torn.
I’d probably read for a page or two more, and then if the Mayday in my head wasn’t quiet, put it down.
Dec 26, 2009 @ 07:43:25
Intriguing beginning–I’d certainly read on — but if she doesn’t look like a groupie, I would have liked to know WHY she didn’t look like one, right at the beginning, rather than breaking off so soon for backstory.
Dec 26, 2009 @ 07:47:14
I enjoyed it — I want more more more!!!
Dec 26, 2009 @ 08:01:11
Maybe I’m just showing my age, but I’m not sure that domesticated, aging rockers are all that interesting. Considering the description of the woman in his bed, his best move would be to wake her up and check her id to make sure she’s legal. Move number 2 would be to look for hidden cameras.
Dec 26, 2009 @ 08:12:58
I’m intrigued enough to want to read more. There were just a few sentences and references that I didn’t get (is it a sin to admit I don’t know who Keith Richards is?), but other than that, it was great.
I am wondering how old the girl is. He never calls her a woman, and since he’s forty something, I had an ick-reflex. Of course, this is probably a pretty realistic scenario.
Am now wondering if the girl turns out to be his unknown daughter.
Dec 26, 2009 @ 08:27:16
I like it.
Dec 26, 2009 @ 08:29:43
I’m probably going to be the only one to say this, but it doesn’t work for me. The voice is good, the opening paragraph caught me right away and then I’m thrown into enough backstory to make me snooze all the way to the last paragraph where he wonders if she really is a groupie. *as a side note, all I kept seeing was the word grouper, but that’s just me ;)*
This sentence:
bothers me. I’m not sure why. You say they’re committed to sobriety, but they’re not if one in their group has fallen off the wagon. Maybe phrase it differently, show more how it affected those who really are committed. Wish I could put my finger on what it is. Sorry.
And I have to agree with Jill. Right now, all I can think of is a manwhore as well. Working out is not enough of a redeeming quality at this point.
Dec 26, 2009 @ 08:54:14
I read this and immediately thought of Nikki Sixx. LOL it’s no secret I love the dude with his tats and if you’ve read The Heroin Diaries he was the king of manwhores….that kinda stuff doesn’t bother me, as a former singer who has toured and seen a lot, this rings true and I’m interested to read more….I agree the backstory drags for me….I’d cut some and dive right in.
Good luck
Dec 26, 2009 @ 09:46:22
I think it sounds interesting. I am not bothered by the fact that a famous guitarist would think a woman in his bed might be a groupie, it seems realistic to me. I’d be interested in seeing where this was going…
as a side note, Keith Richards is the guitarist of the Rolling Stones and looks pretty bad – you can see he’s lived hard!
Dec 26, 2009 @ 09:53:41
OMG!! ROTFL You don’t know who Keith Richards is????? Ah – this younger generation. He’s the guitarist for the Rolling Stones who Johhny Depp partially based his character of Captain Jack Sparrow on. He’s a prime example of someone whose brain has been fried by the overuse of drugs.
As for the first page – I thought it was interesting and I’d keep reading.
Dec 26, 2009 @ 10:47:29
As a current point of reference, Keith Richards had a cameo as Captain Jack’s Dad in the last Pirates movie. Rolling Stone mag cover here for a non-makeup look at Mr. Richards.
Dec 26, 2009 @ 10:47:41
While the characters and set up are engaging, the tongue-tied prose put me off:
I’d stop reading right here, because I’d guess (correctly as the rest of the selection indicates) that the writing wasn’t going to be professional.
Now if the first paragraph looked like this:
The woman in his bed didn’t look like a groupie. He found that intriguing. After twenty-five years in the business, not much surprised him.
I’d buy the book.
Dec 26, 2009 @ 10:56:04
@Juliana Stone:
OMG, come sit by me. I’m a total Nikki Sixx fangrrrl and that’s what I thought too! Aside: Have you heard the Soundtrack to Heroin Diaries? Best thing he’s done in years. He’s 50, and looks fabulous. I’m thinking heroin is a preservative.
/threadjack
Dec 26, 2009 @ 11:18:29
I also thought of Nikki Sixx…and that’s definitely a good thing; the man drives me crazy. =P I would read on; I liked the voice and I looove dirty rock stars.
*off to look at Nikki pics and drool*
Dec 26, 2009 @ 11:43:13
Count me as one who would read more. I would like to know why the groupie didn’t look like one and I carry a secret hope that she’s older, too. Thanks for sharing. This sounds great.
Dec 26, 2009 @ 11:59:31
@Moriah Jovan LOL Nikki has always been a fave. Love Sixx Am, saw them on tour with Motley last summer. they rocked!
Dec 26, 2009 @ 12:16:11
Interesting. I wrote a rock star series, and the four books did very well for me. I still get readers wanting more.
I based my series on my youth (not so wasted, as it turns out!) and added cameos of people I’d met in my “wasted” years. So I’d be interested to know if you had a similar background!!
A couple of things bothered me. He’s a guitar god, so he has an entourage and a certain level of security. People don’t walk into their rooms. Even the staff who change the sheets and bring room service are either vetted or only allowed so far. So she couldn’t have just walked in off the street.
And it’s unlikely he’d just walk in an find her. If she had been allowed in, someone would have told him.
I liked the character, and that he’s over 40. I’d like to see some evidence of his musicianship. Most rock stars of a certain age are there because they love music, not because they love the fame and the girls, although there are exceptions, but I wouldn’t like to see them as heroes. Some core of integrity, if you know what I mean.
And yes, I think too much backstory. Either make it more memorable and dynamic or cut it down a bit. But you’ve started in the right place, with the inciting incident, and you’ve established your character. I do like your voice, too.
Dec 26, 2009 @ 12:44:39
My guess is that the ‘groupie’ is going to turn out to be his didn’t-know-he-had-one daughter.
If that’s true, then we’ll need to see more sympathetic traits in this character up front, otherwise when we get the big reveal we’ll find him revolting: he came *this* close to having sex with his daughter.
Even if she turns out to be just some kid, she’s still obviously vulnerable–the too-long jeans are a nice touch–and so we have to see him worrying about her/caring for her on some level or we won’t like him.
DM is right. The prose needs a lot of work. Yet I like the detailed observation; it hints at talent.
Dec 26, 2009 @ 12:54:18
I would buy this based on the first paragraph.
I wouldn’t buy this based on the back story info-dump. I don’t understand why, upon finding a woman in his room, his first thought is to check out his biceps and flat stomach in a mirror while thinking about Keith Richards.
I really enjoyed his voice though. I would like to read more but I worry that I would be constantly telling him to shut up and get on with it already. I also really enjoy that he’s no longer a groupie-lover and has grown up a bit.
I absolutely want to know who that woman is in his bed. I hope she’s older than ‘girl’ status though. I’m thinking he is using the word girl because that’s just how he thinks or can’t see her face. I agree that knowing why she’s so different would be very helpful. The jersey and rolled up jeans do well there but they come a bit late to the game.
Dec 26, 2009 @ 14:07:18
This is probably the first of the few first pages I have read here that grabbed me enough to make me whine when the excert stopped.
This first page might need some extra polishing (and there are good suggestions above) but the core feels solid.
Keep going, and let us know when the final product is ready :)
Dec 26, 2009 @ 14:59:03
I’m a product of television. I want the story to start where the action is…or interaction between the characters, not narrative and backstory.
Dec 26, 2009 @ 16:02:23
I know who Keith Richards is; clueless on the Stixxxx guy.
You had me at “hello,” but there was a lot of willing suspension of disbelief.
I sensed a wry tone that may not have been there. I also didn’t leap to the conclusion he was going to get in bed with her. He was just taking off his shoes.
I got the impression this was a guy that had seen it all, remembered most of it and didn’t jump into anything he didn’t know how it was going to end. But again, it might have been that willing suspension I was applying.
I think the band member falling off the wagon made it all more real. No one is going to think this is a bus tour of the perfect. They can’t police him 24/7.
As far as the guitar god, I will say that I have a neighborhood example. I have a neighbor in a mostly upper middle class neighborhood in the Atlanta area, no gated community, no country club, nothing special other than an in-town location.
Only two or three houses in the million dollar range, and those you wouldn’t know from the outside that was what they are.
Anyway, the guitarist for one of the number one acts in the country (and it is a duo act, so he is on the stage the whole time) lives here. His wife and kids are here when he is on the road. Thanksgiving Day I drove by his house and he and his kids are running around having a good time. No entourage, no security, no paparrazzi, no nothing. Unfettered access. The same is true in the summer at the neighborhood pool. He is just there. One day during the Atlanta gas crisis last year, I saw him driving around in his wife’s mini-van looking for gas just like the rest of us. It is definitely possible to maintain a low profile by hiding in plain sight.
Dec 26, 2009 @ 16:57:16
I really like it and want to read on.
Dec 26, 2009 @ 17:15:18
Is she a woman? Or is she a girl? It makes a difference. Reading later that the narrator is 43 makes the use of “girl” seem sleazy and sad. Getting in bed with a sleeping stranger seems even sadder and sleazier, with a brief break for creepiness as he ogles himself in the mirror admires his own biceps and abs.
Having said that, I like the voice. The set up could be interesting, but the writing needs some tightening.
I might read a more polished version.
Dec 26, 2009 @ 17:59:59
This is the writer (are we allowed to do this?)
Thanks very, very much to all who read and commented.
Backstory advice will be heeded. I’ve only got three chapters written so far, and I always overwrite and then have to go back through with a machete. I very much appreciate the commenter who said I started in the right place, because that’s what I was wondering about.
FWIW – she’s 28, a musician, the cousin of Marshall, mentioned in the excerpt. Showed up unexpectedly when she missed her late night flight out of LA and her luggage left on another flight without her. That’s why she’s in ill- fitting clothes. Everyone in security and the road crew know her.
Marshall and his wife were originally going to be in that room, and no one told her they switched.
That will all come out in the first 3-4 pages, maybe less when I cut out all the unnecessary undergrowth.
Dec 26, 2009 @ 18:55:34
Heads up. The “mistaken room” isn’t very probable. I worked in luxury hotels for several years and policy forbids releasing room keys to any person who is not a registered guest to the room. This includes “friends and family.” In a case where V.I.P. guests are involved (this would include famous celebrities) there would be more security involved than unusual.
The heroine couldn’t just check in at the front desk. She would have to be registered in the room and show I.D. to get a key.
If this was an “informal room switch” (i.e. Rock Star and Marshall changed rooms without notifying Guest Services) it’s possible Cousin might access the room if she’s registered to stay with Marshall. But it would become inconvenient since Rock Star’s phone calls would be routed to Marshall’s room and Marshall’s phone calls would be routed to Rock Star’s room. ALso, if one or the other lost his/her keys, he would not be able to get replacements.
More food for thought: if Marsh brought his wife and was expecting his adult cousin as a guest, it’s more likely they would have a suite instead of a room, unless, of course, Marsh, Mrs. Marsh, and Cousin Marsh are a good deal more intimate than is normally palatable in a contemporary romance. If not a suite, a rollaway bed would have been set up in the room and it makes more sense for Cousin Marsh to be asleep on that.
Dec 26, 2009 @ 19:47:43
To the author-
Just to let you know I hosted my first Christmas yesterday and I’ve had ten hours of sleep in the past four days. I cleaned, baked, chased cat fur, laundered, vacuumed, fed a brood, went after-holiday shopping and have cleaned again. I’m exhausted and can barely keep my eyes open.
I can’t stop thinking about your story.
I hope you write fast!
Dec 26, 2009 @ 20:44:06
A: You make excellent points, and this just might not work.
It’s already a suite – I was thinking it’s a two bedroom suite, and she didn’t know which bed was going to be occupied b/c luggage was in the anteroom. But if I have to explain all that, it means it’s not working.
I was originally thinking Marshall doesn’t know she’s shown up. She’d hung with them already, left to fly home, and they don’t know about her airport hell – it’s the wee hours.
If this isn’t plausible, I’ll have to think of something else. Maybe she’s asleep on the tour bus.
JenD: thank you!!! I write at the speed of continental drift, but I’m working on improving.
I love this site. Sorry for the thread hijack. I’ll go away now.
Dec 26, 2009 @ 22:02:49
Clean, confident writing. Loved it. Except for the last line.
The homeless thing seemed to come out of nowhere and didn’t fit the rest of the tone. But with the quality of the writing, I would turn the page to see where you took it.
Dec 26, 2009 @ 22:36:16
I’m probably in the minority here, but I am so tired of the obligatory “character looks in mirror and we get physical description” paragraph in the first page.
Also, minor nitpick, but if he can see that much of her outfit, she’s not IN his bed, she’s ON it.
Dec 26, 2009 @ 22:49:05
@anonymous:
Hi. There are some possibilities that could account for the “room mix-up.” An inept travel agent or hotel sales coordinator could have mistakenly registered the heroine to Guitar Guy’s room. Celebrities, especially bands, tend to be booked via a rooming list organized by the celebrity himself OR a manager, assistant, or other comparable person. For security reasons, celebrities don’t check in; they are checked in as a group under assumed names (i.e., Jack Smith) and the sales coordinator and/or the celebs’ manager/s assemble their key packets.
Another possibility could be that Marsh and Guitar Guy switched rooms AFTER Marsh and Mrs. Marsh left a key packet for Heroine at the front desk. If Heroine came to the front desk, showed her I.D., the agent would give her the packet. Maybe Guitar Guy graciously gave his friends his suite since it had a nicer view or something. If they had a concert that night, it’s possible they forgot to change out the keys at the front desk or notify Guest Services or their assistant/s to re-register Heroine to the correct room.
I am very interested in your story — lol, I’m sure you can tell I’ve been taking some time to think about it : ). I agree with other posters that the backstory’s a bit distracting — I think it can be re-worked through dialogue if and when it’s relevant to the storyline.
I like the idea of an older hero — let’s face it there ARE some fine 50-year-olds in the universe. In order to avoid “Kinky Old Man Syndrome,” though, it might be prudent to tweak your scenario a bit. If he’s not even sure Heroine is a groupie, it reads “tacky” to me that he’d undress in front of her, although she’s asleep. In the present day, a high-profile man can easily end up sued for rape/attempted rape at even a hint of impropriety. Twenty years ago, it might make sense for him to think a girl in his bed was a groupie, in the days of celebrity stalkers/murderers and rape/attempted rape/sexual harrassment lawsuits not so much.
Just my thoughts. Best luck with this. : )
Dec 27, 2009 @ 05:30:51
Oooh. I really liked this. Good voice. Interesting protagonist… I would definitely keep reading.
Dec 27, 2009 @ 08:34:55
Your voice is compelling and kept me reading. Your prose could use some polishing, but that’s a relatively easy fix. For the most part, the backstory worked for me, although it could use some minor pruning. I’d advise losing the whole scene in the mirror…very cliched to give character descriptions that way.
I think you could ease the ‘ick’ factor a bit by throwing in a comment that sex with nameless strangers had lost its appeal about the time he’d gone on the wagon, or something like it. Just something that tells the reader he has no intention of having sex with the woman.
If I were to read a story with this opening I’d think I was reading about the hero and heroine. And I’m not a fan of May-December romance stories, but that’s a personal preference.
All in all, the strongest part of this sample is your voice, which bodes well for capturing an editor’s eye down the line. Good luck!
Dec 27, 2009 @ 10:37:57
I wouldn’t mind a book with a bit of sleaze, because I prefer realism. Rock stars do sleep around, even the married ones, even today. I’m less likely to read about a boringly moral rock star hero, but enchanted by a heroine who can stop him doing that and concentrate on her alone. Let that be one of the conflicts – his old habits, rather than going the ‘standard romance hero’ route.
Dec 27, 2009 @ 17:07:29
I liked the voice and the tone and the undercurrent of wry humour. Also the humanity of the guy – he has been there, done that, seen some sh*t but appears to have come out the other side relatively OK but with his eyes open to the state of the world.
I also thought “long lost daughter he never knew about” so you might want to change whether she is a girl or a woman cos otherwise its got all sorts of ick splashed all over it :)
Overall I liked it and would be keen to read more
Dec 27, 2009 @ 17:53:51
Ok, maybe its just me, but I am totally thrown off by him just walking in and stripping. If I were him, I’d a) be thrown off by an apparent groupie DEEP asleep in my bed and b) maybe a “hello”? Even if she is there to seduce him, as he thinks, wouldn’t she appreciate a bit more than a “wake up! I’m naked, lets have sex!”? And I too was thrown off by the homeless comment, it seemed completely at odds with the rest of the tone.
Also, its really minor but I CANNOT stand mesh shirts. He mentioned wearing one and instantly became skeevy in my mind. I can honestly say I’d rethink the book if I were in a store.
Its rough, but has a lot of potential, I’d definitely stick with it!
Dec 27, 2009 @ 17:58:42
Oh darn. Darndarndarndarndarndarndarndarn (don’t want to get caught in the spam filter).
Tasha’s right. The whole mirror scene thing is total romance cliche. it’s such an ingrained cliche I completely missed it, but it’s just been done too, too many times. Really, I just liked the Keith Richards/sagging tattoos musing (honestly, I do wonder what all those guys are gonna look like pushing 65), but I can fit it in another way.
FWIW, immediately after this excerpt she wakes up and they introduce themselves, so any potential squick gets squashed right away. They’ve never met, but they know who each other is.
Between that and the implausibility of the room scenario – I’m going to move the scene. It’s gonna be early next day on the tour bus. she’s still asleep and he still doesn’t know who she is and assumes she’s a groupie/girlfriend. B/c he is older, and he does have sexist assumptions about women on a tour.
Guess I’ll also have to rethink the black hair and blue eyes and the chiseled jaw with the vein that jumps whenever he’s trying to suppress his anger….
Ya’ll are awesome. I’m so glad i submitted this, because I’m going to throw myself into it now.
Dec 27, 2009 @ 18:49:38
Author, keep working on this. Keep writing. You’re good. : )
Dec 27, 2009 @ 19:56:56
I liked this, but frankly I was much more interested when (like Nicola) I thought she was his daughter and that the romance was going to be a second-chance at love with her mother. I’m not a fan of May-December romances, no matter how young the hero thinks he looks.
Dec 28, 2009 @ 13:11:03
I’m obviously in the minority because “girl” didn’t bother me. It seemed obvious in context that she was an adult. Where I’m from girl/guy are used as informal versions of woman/man. “Women’s Night Out,” “Women’s Party,” “Women’s Movie Night” – they just don’t have the same ring to them.
Dec 29, 2009 @ 12:43:36
@Moriah Jovan: Nikki Sixx? (applies elbow) You’re going to have to move over and share.
Author, others have covered my nitpicks: the mirror, the slightly awkward ending, the need for minor prose pruning here and there, but PLEASE KEEP GOING. I’d buy this in a heartbeat.
Dec 29, 2009 @ 12:59:34
@Tamara Hogan:
I can’t believe how many Nikki Sixx fangrrrls have come out of the woodwork here. I thought I was the only one left on the interwebz who knew the name. ;)
I actually used him for the aesthetics of one of my characters sans tattoos and piercings, all cleaned up.
Cuz. Wow. I need to stop. I’m starting to hyperventilate.
Dec 29, 2009 @ 15:03:20
@Moriah Jovan: No need to clean him up on my account. ;-)
I got the idea for the book I recently sold as I stood in the pit at a Motley Crue show. Ah, good times.