Jun 7 2008
Welcome to First Page aka Query Saturday. Individual authors anonymously send a first page (or query) read and critiqued by the Dear Author community of authors, readers and industry others. Anyone is welcome to comment. Published authors may do so under their own name or anonymously.
Readers, though, the way that I look at it is this: Would the hook itself interest you in reading the book. If yes, what interests you and if not, what would you change to make it more appealing?
Cresna- year 1623
“Where is she?” Draven roared lethally as he swung open the solid oak doors, almost ripping them off their hinges, and stormed into his amora’s bedchamber. The sight before him only amplified the foreboding chill he felt deep within his soul.
Several guards lay dead in their own pools of blood. A handful more looked severely beaten and on the verge of collapse. And one sobbed uncontrollably into a fuchsia bed sheet drooping lifelessly over the empty bed.
Frustrated and angry, Draven called upon the Power of Light and blasted the fiery, white energy ball congregating in his left palm into the nearest object. What was left of the victimized table fluttered through the air as gray ash and mixed with the thick, dark liquid pooling on the marble floor.
Rushing forward to the guard clutching the bed sheet, Draven gripped his right hand tightly around the guard’s neck, and lifted him several inches off the floor. “Do NOT make me repeat myself again!”
“She has been taken by the Lycans, sir.” The guard gasped sharply, as Draven loosened his sturdy grip long enough for him to choke out an answer.
Just then he heard his amora’s voice stabbing through his mind like an accumulation of a thousand thrown knives. Don’t hurt me. Please… just let me go. Feeling the anguish of his amora’s presence transmitting through him, Draven screwed his eyes shut and rubbed his forehead with the ball of his free hand as though he had a head-splitting migraine. Images of her being bound to a stone altar and manhandled burst into his brain, making him growl out with sweltering rage.
He tried to communicate to her, to reassure her that he was on his way, but she wouldn’t open her mind to him. Her unyielding sense to shadow her fear left him gritting his teeth and pulling his hair in piqued frustration. His jaw went rigid from the strain, and he popped his eyes open to reveal the smoldering anger turning his amber irises blacker than obsidian.
“Why didn’t you protect her?” His voice was exerted and taut as he seized his fingers around the metal brim of the guard’s collar, forcing him to face his smoldering eyes.
The guard’s face paled as he saw Draven’s power flowing out of his glowing hand, seeping into his throat. He struggled to breathe as his esophagus began compressing tighter and tighter, threatening to slowly suffocate him. The intense burning sensations prickling underneath his skin felt as if it were going to melt right off of his body like candle wax. As the Power of Light intensified, his flesh started to catch fire making him scream out in excruciating agony. “I’m sorry sir. We tried to reach her in time, but they flashed her out of here before we could get to her.”
By the time Draven grappled for control and recalled his magick back, the guard’s entire body was marred in a thin layer of cinereal ash. Loosening his hold, he let the guard drop to the floor and left him to suffer his wounds until sleep healed them.
Draven help me…Oh god, please help me. Hearing his amora’s desperate cry for help, Draven turned around in fervent ire and punched the wall behind him, splintering the hard wood from one end to the other with the force of his vicious blow.
Interested in participating in First Page or Query Saturday? Send your submission to jane at dearauthor.com. All queries are kept confidential. If you are an author, either aspiring or published and want to participate, send your first page to jane at dearauthor.com or use our handy dandy input form.