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Thursday Afternoon Haiku Moment: Forest of Hands and Teeth by Carrie...

The following is a spoiler filled tale in the spirit of Green Eggs and Ham.

I am a zombie fan!
Zombie fan I am

038573681901lzzzzzzzThat zombie-fan-I-am
That zombie-fan-I-am!
I do not like that Forest of Hand (and Teeth)!

Do you like
The village and Mary?

I am not being contrary.
This story is not
believable or scary.

Would you like Mary
On the run?

I would not like her
On the run.
I did not find the story fun.

I did not like
The escape plan.
I did not like it, as a zombie fan.

Did you like the love story?
Did you find the ending gory?

I did not like the
Love story.
I did not like the ending,
I did not find it gory.
I did not like the vagueness
of the undead.
I did not understand what was going
on in Mary’s head.

I did not like her
Selfish outlook.
I did not like
This Forest book.
I did not like it,

Would you like it if the author
Moved Mary
To someplace
A little more scary?

Not in the new place.
Not with zombies in her face.
Not behind the fences please.
Not in a platform in the trees.
I did not like Mary
here or there.
I did not like her anywhere.
I did not like her selfish outlook.
I did not like this Forest book.

Why not? What’s wrong? Everyone else loves it.
It’s the tale of the zombie apocalypse! And how Mary overcomes it!
I did not enjoy it. For others, it might be a hit.

You may like it. Read it again!
Everyone else gave this book a ten!

I cannot like it, you cannot make me.
The world-building made no sense! Hide from zombies in a TREE?

I did not like how Mary was never satisfied
No matter how hard Travis or Harry tried
I did not like that the zombies are hardly shown
We are barely given a severed limb or groan
I did not believe in the world that was given
I did not like how the characters were driven
I did enjoy the appearance of Gabrielle, so bold
But her real story is never $%%&&* told!

On the run! On the run!
What about when the characters go on the run?
They find another village
Weren’t you stunned?

Not in the new town nor in the old!
Not at the ocean! I am still not sold!

I did not like Mary.
I did not like how she insisted that they end her sister-in-law’s life
I did not like how she mooned over her friend Travis.
Even though she was practically Harry’s wife
I did not like the glimpses we were shown
And then never told us about. This made me groan.
If you like this book, you must assume.
Assume some zombies are fast! No reason! Just are!
And that despite all these safe paths, no one ever went that far!

This zombie apocalypse did not feel very ‘apocalypse’ to me.
I did not like it, zombie fan though I be.

Say! What about the zombies?
Weren’t they scary?
Didn’t that part of the book appeal
Even if you didn’t like Mary?

I did not find it super-scary. I thought the characters were not
appropriately wary.

What do you mean? Did you read every scene?

I read every scene and thought Mary was dense.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, why stick your hands through the fence?
She doesn’t get hurt. Someone always saves her tail.
I would have let the zombies eat her. TSTL Fail!

You did not like the Forest book?
I did not like it or the vague end.
But I like Ryan’s writing. Or is it too late to defend?

What grade would you give it? This Forest book?
I’d probably give it a D, given my sour outlook.

This book can be purchased in mass market from Amazon or ebook format from the Sony Store and other etailers.


  1. Sabrina
    Mar 26, 2009 @ 16:15:50

    I wasn’t charmed by this silly rhyme.
    I hope we get a new reviewer next time.

  2. MaryK
    Mar 26, 2009 @ 16:29:55

    Awesome! It’s art in its own right. And exactly what I needed to know to finally make a decision about reading the book.

  3. Jia
    Mar 26, 2009 @ 16:39:08

    So you did finish reading the book.

  4. Maili
    Mar 26, 2009 @ 16:57:03

    Zombies are rarely shown? Really? We are only aware of their existence through characters’ conversations?

  5. Shae
    Mar 26, 2009 @ 17:38:44

    Holy cow, this is one of the best reviews ever. Genius!! :D

  6. Gemma
    Mar 26, 2009 @ 17:50:29

    Guest Reviewer is my rhyme-hero. I love your reviews!

  7. Doug Knipe [SciFIGuy]
    Mar 26, 2009 @ 17:52:04

    Entertaining review but I am still going to read the book because I too am a zombie fan.
    Nice to see another point of view
    Good reviews there are quite a few
    So this zombie book I will read
    To see who is right indeed

  8. Ann Bruce
    Mar 26, 2009 @ 18:39:18

    I am not worthy. *bowing to Guest Reviewer*

  9. katiebabs
    Mar 26, 2009 @ 18:45:34

    Wow great review! But I have to say this book scared me silly. I hate zombies!

  10. Jessica G.
    Mar 26, 2009 @ 18:55:31

    This… awesome. That is all.

  11. SonomaLass
    Mar 26, 2009 @ 19:36:28

    I always love the poetic reviews. This book is getting some really wide-ranging responses, which I usually see as a sign that the author hasn’t played it safe. I think I’ll give it to my teenage daughter to read — she plays all those zombie computer games. Me, I’m holding out for Pride and Prejudice and Zombies!

  12. Martha Flynn
    Mar 26, 2009 @ 20:26:58

    Having never read Green Eggs and Ham, I was a wee bit…confused…but a quick google search helped me out. The book’s on my to-read list, and I’m fine with the low severed-limb count – we’ll see how the rest pans out.

  13. Maya M.
    Mar 26, 2009 @ 20:29:56

    Oh dear on a book that I thought would be really something.

    But major ‘hee!’ on Sam I Am homage! The original is now running in my head (Say! In the dark! Would you, could you, in the dark? Maybe with a zombie mark?)
    OK I’m really not a candidate for poetic review.

  14. Jennifer
    Mar 26, 2009 @ 20:33:07

    This may be my favorite negative review ever, in rhyme!

  15. Lorraine
    Mar 26, 2009 @ 20:49:20

    Kudos on another wonderfully witty review. It was fantastic!

  16. Cassia
    Mar 26, 2009 @ 21:10:51

    Sabrina, for the sake of anyone else, I sincerely hope not.

    =D Guest Reviewer, I know not who you are, but you are now next on my list of worshippable Gods.

    Sam I am FTW!

  17. MB
    Mar 26, 2009 @ 21:29:31

    For zombie lovers, “Breathers: A Zombie’s Lament” is pretty good. It even has a romance (well…two) in it.

  18. she reads
    Mar 26, 2009 @ 22:23:29

    Fabulous review in G.E.A.H. style; and I’m thinking that I’d feel about the same about the book as you did based on all i’ve read (even through the glowing reviews)

  19. Jia
    Mar 27, 2009 @ 04:17:38

    @Maili: Our guest reviewer, Jaiku, probably won’t respond due to inexplicable shyness, but there are zombies present. It’s just that they don’t necessarily have the same visceral presence you’d expect a zombie horde to have. The main point of the book isn’t so much the zombie horde but how their overwhelming numbers have isolated humanity into these self-contained pockets of civilization, with devastating effect to their mentalities.

    But Jaiku is correct in that the zombies aren’t ever really explained. You just have to accept them as they are, even if there are inconsistencies and contradictions.

  20. KMont
    Mar 27, 2009 @ 07:09:49

    I’m at a standstill with this book ATM. I was excited to get it and will finish, but man is it dreary. I know it’s the Apocalypse and all, but DREARY!

    I’m still before the halfway mark, but I’m already getting that “selfish” vibe from Mary. I also wonder if we’re even meant to sympathize with her at all. There are moments at the beginning, but geeze, Mary makes it hard to maintain that sympathy after a while.

    The one thing I definitely agree on is the writing – it’s great! But with no likable characters (so far) and other not-so-great elements, great writing only goes so far.

    Great review in rhyme, guest reviewer.

  21. Randi
    Mar 27, 2009 @ 07:56:57

    This review is made of win!!!

  22. Kalen Hughes
    Mar 27, 2009 @ 08:25:02

    I think I’ll just go read World War Z again . . . not just a great zombie book, it’s simply a great book! And soon to be a Spike Jones film. Yea!

  23. RStewie
    Mar 27, 2009 @ 08:35:57

    Guest Reviewer Win!!

    I may or may not read this book, but I will definitely re-read this review!

  24. Theresa
    Mar 27, 2009 @ 10:26:48

    @ SonomaLass “Me, I'm holding out for Pride and Prejudice and Zombies!”

    Me too!

  25. Louise van Hine
    Mar 27, 2009 @ 15:11:34

    If you’re going to give a book a “D”, this IS the way to do it!

    I would have let the zombies eat her. TSTL Fail!

    hahahahah *snort*

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