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Review My Book & Win a Copy of Jill Myles’ Gentlemen...

Apparently there is some rumor that I was/am/will be publishing a book under a different pen name. This book was supposedly contracted by Angela James at Quartet Press and this is the reason for my disappointment at the fall of Quartet Press.

Unfortunately for all you readers out there, this is not true. I have not written a book nor do I have plans to write a book and I’ve never discussed any book writing with Angela James or any editor out there. Someone appears to read my twitter account and I once joked about writing a were gerbil story (also other were rodent stories and sometimes were cracken stories). This has been taken as truth and has turned “I’m going to write about were gerbils” into “And today, lo and behold, Quartet Press, which had been praised and cheerleaded to the high heavens for months by the very same bloggers that had viciously derided Ravenous Romance and its authors (not to mention had hired one of the aforementioned editors who had joined in the hazing, and had even publicly announced it would publish the ringleader blogger’s debut novel) collapsed and shut down today before it published a single book.”

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I read romance wrote up a fabulous review for this non existant book and I thought it would be great fun to host a contest for all those who have been dying to write a Dear Jane letter.   I expect them to be scathing so Bring. It. On.   Positive or Negative, it doesn’t matter. It just needs to be entertaining.   The entries should be   posted in the comments.   (Please feel free to make up your own excerpts for the review).

Here is the back cover copy:

SHE THOUGHT SHE SMELLED A RAT…

Ho-Lotta Fagina, an innocent adrift in a ruthless world, just wanted to get on with her life and forget her forbidden attraction to her brother’s best friend. She felt as though she’d loved “Chee” forever, but she knows it’s time to discard the dream that has cost her so much. Determined to forget his gleaming black eyes and luxurious mane of hair, Ho-Lotta picks up a whip and begins a journey into the heart of darkness…

HE WAS TIRED OF JUST  SQUEAKING BY…

Cheesel McNaughtynuts is a man with a secret. Desperately in love with Ho-Lotta for years, it’s only when he is confronted with the prospect of losing her forever that he is compelled to reveal his hidden shame. For Chee is a GerShifter. The last of his kind, he is forced into a life of secrecy and shame. For should the Government ever find out just what he is…all would be lost. Together, Ho-Lotta and Chee must make a break for freedom, escaping the wheel of destiny and racing down the Hershey highway in an effort to claim their own happily-ever-after.

The winner will receive a lovely ARC of Jill Myles’ Gentlemen Prefer Succubi, a book slated to release late December 2009.   (It’s about a girl who gets turned into a succubus and is forced to have sex with an angel and a vampire in order to stay alive.   God, the dilemmas some people have) AND a $25 GC to Amazon. Contest will run through Sunday night, 7 pM CST.

Jane Litte is the founder of Dear Author, a lawyer, and a lover of pencil skirts. She spends her downtime reading romances and writing about them. Her TBR pile is much larger than the one shown in the picture and not as pretty. You can reach Jane by email at jane @ dearauthor dot com

58 Comments

  1. Ana Thierry
    Sep 11, 2009 @ 13:40:45

    LOL!! I am *so* glad you did this. I’m off to grab some popcorn and Yoo Hoos so I can kick back and see what will come in. :)

    ReplyReply

  2. roslynholcomb
    Sep 11, 2009 @ 13:46:48

    Interesting. Note how she didn’t address the rumor, started by some nefarious gossip hound, that she’ll be starting an e-pub of her own.

    ReplyReply

  3. joanne
    Sep 11, 2009 @ 13:54:34

    Dear Jane,

    I really, really wanted to like your were-gerbil story and was looking forward to it with all the anticipation that happens to readers when a new voice enters the paranormal romance world.

    Unfortunately while the writing was awe inspiring and even contained many two and three syllable words, your characters lacked the depth and emotional commitment I expect in weregerbil romances. All that bathing in dirt when they could have been getting down and dirty. All that time and energy spent on their exercise wheels was just so much filler while you never plumbed the true feelings of either the whipper or the whippee and those waiting to be whooped.

    I did very much like the gentle reminder, in the third of the eight Epilogues, that we are all alike under the skin– or fur — as the case may be. Still I’m sorry to say that your final final epilogue that states that “love is the answer to unasked questions” is not enough to make a convincing HEA for this odd couple of odd persons.

    Finally, your hero’s need to scratch his itch with every post and pole he saw was senseless and demeaning to gerbils everywhere.

    D-

    ReplyReply

  4. rebyj
    Sep 11, 2009 @ 14:05:04

    Dear Author,

    I am not a professional reviewer, I am however a po ass book ho who will pretty much enter anything to try for free books. So here goes.

    Your story amazed and dumbfounded me. Never has a hero offended me as much as Cheesel McNaughtynuts, especially when I googled his secret and found he had worked for JOE CARTOON??? And what is with is penis? It’s just not realistic to believe a were gerbils penis is bigger than a Black Dagger Brother’s! Does every penis have to get progressively bigger in EVERY DAMN BOOK WRITTEN? Do NOT point that thing at ME!
    That’s just awful. And his obsession with hooha washing. Neat is one thing but come on. Enough is enough!

    (Part of Cheesel’s hooha obsessed past work at Joe Cartoon)
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rFxU56AfZIo

    It’s all about the hooha isn’t it Cheesel. All about the hooha. Ho-Lotta could do SO much better.

    She gets it better in her porno than she ever got from the purple prose sex scenes with Cheesel .
    (Ho-Lotta’s Porno) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J_QBBAbQxXU

    I rate this book a “D” as in “DAMN Jane did you have to go THERE?” Karma’s a bitch. Wait for it next time you have sex with your husband and you hear “Do it like they do on the Discovery channel ” music as he chases you around your cage.

    ReplyReply

  5. RStewie
    Sep 11, 2009 @ 14:18:35

    Dear Jane,
    Upon hearing that your highly anticipated were-gerbil novel The Multi Billionaire’s Virgin Rodent Wrangler Bride was out, I immediately picked up a copy. I’m not really one for categories, but the thought of your hero, Chee, possibly having rodent-sized testicles drew me in. (Seriously. Have you seen those things?)

    The story was not really to my taste (I’m a cat person), but your characterizations of Chees’ desperate search for Ho-Lotta after her descent into the were-laden underworld, and Ho-Lotta’s own internal struggle to accept that her lifestyle as a Furry up to that point had merely been a stand-in for her own wish to be a shifter, both really touched me. I felt a connection with the characters that made me almost uncomfortable…

    The thought of a possible sequel, supported by the (sudden) introduction of Chee’s long-lost-sister, Apple, in the final chapters, gives me hope for this series. Apple’s intensive training as a were-SEAL was only hinted at, but her fierce independence shown through in the brief amount of time she was portrayed in MBVRWB. I’ll be on the lookout for her story next in this promising series.

    C+

    ReplyReply

  6. rebyj
    Sep 11, 2009 @ 14:26:04

    My post disappeared and I didn’t copy it!! I’ll wait a bit to see if it went to moderation cuz it had a couple of links in it and will resubmit , re-written. (grr it was funnier first time around) LOL

    ReplyReply

  7. MaryK
    Sep 11, 2009 @ 14:40:50

    OMG!!! The cover!!! That’s just creepy!

    Someone appears to read my twitter account and I once joked about writing a were gerbil story (also other were rodent stories and sometimes were cracken stories). This has been taken as verboten

    You know what this means right? Somebody thinks were gerbils are a perfectly natural and legitimate choice for protagonists. Otherwise they’d have recognized the joke. You shouldn’t joke about these things – who knows what were creatures you’ll awaken!

    ReplyReply

  8. Lisa J
    Sep 11, 2009 @ 14:46:44

    Dear Jane:

    Your GerShifter novel could have filled a void which has been in the paranormal romance world for far too long.

    Ho-lotta Fagina has been in love with bad-boy Cheesel McNaughtynuts since fifth grade. A man like him would never pay attention to a mousy girl like her, not with gorgeous (slutty) models on his arm. Still she loved him from afar with all the undying passion her nubile young body can sustain.

    Cheesel McNaughtynuts is cursed to change into a gerbil with the full moon, Cheesel is desperate to find the woman who can break the curse and cure his furry little problem. From the moment he sees her he realizes Ho-lotta is the only woman who can tame him.

    The world you created is both frightening and horrifying to the average PETA member. Whips around small rodents, for shame. Life spent running on a wheel, the horror. I cannot imagine why you would subject your readers to this type of inhumane treatment.

    It was difficult for me to imagine a man-whore like Cheesel falling for Ho-lotta. I found their passion was too quick and lacked the depth of emotion I would expect from a Were Gerbil romance.

    The constant use of strange and not particularly appealing terms used to describe body parts; amount of fluids secreted by both parties, and the noises emitted took me from the story and made me generally uncomfortable.

    While I wanted desperately to love this story, I find I cannot say I even liked it. The interesting Were Gerbil topic could not save this one for me. Grade F+

    Lisa J

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  9. rebyj
    Sep 11, 2009 @ 14:48:48

    If the other submission shows up, just delete one of them.

    Dear Author,

    I am not a professional reviewer but since I AM a po ass book ho who will enter any contest for a book I want to read I’ll give it a shot.

    Cheesel McNaughtynuts is one of the worst heroes I’ve ever read.
    It’s just not realistic to believe a were gerbils penis is bigger than a Black Dagger Brother’s! Does every penis have to get progressively bigger in EVERY DAMN BOOK WRITTEN? Do NOT point that thing at ME!
    I took it upon myself to Google Cheesel’s name and came across his big secret. He was so LOW as to work for Joe Cartoon.
    WHAT is with his obsession with hoohas?

    Cheesel’s video here:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rFxU56AfZIo&feature=channel

    Cheesel and Ho-Lotta’s sexual exploits were so lukewarm that Ho-Lotta should go back to her sex ed video career. A whip can be an exciting edition to any romantic fiction book but I have to say I was unpleasantly surprised that it was not a conventional whip but “cheese whip”. That is just SICK!

    (Ho-Lotta’s sexucational video)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J_QBBAbQxXU

    I rate this book a D and only stop short of an F because of the hot cover art. WHAT were you thinking Jane? Karma’s a bitch and the next time you and hubby sexor it up in your cage it’ll serve you right to hear “Do it like they do it on Disovery Channel” as your background love makin music.

    You should cease and desist your writing career and go back to doing what you do best, blogging with only one evil purpose in mind. And we all know what that evil purpose is, we’ve read what your motives are online and if it’s on the internet, it must be true!

    ReplyReply

  10. Wanda
    Sep 11, 2009 @ 15:02:08

    Please enter my name. Thanks.

    ReplyReply

  11. Anah Crow
    Sep 11, 2009 @ 15:05:40

    Dear Jane,

    Silly me, I expected better of you. You had a chance to use your bully pulpit to dispel the mainstream stereotypes of romance novels, and yet you’ve gone and done the opposite. You would give this book an F-haikU if it didn’t have your name on it. Multi-billionaire? Virgin whore? Not skilled enough to write real people, Jane? It’s not so easy, is it? You’d have thrown in a multi-chambered vagina or a chance meeting at a urinal in a heartbeat if you’d had to, and you know it.

    I would have forgiven you if you’d been daring enough to throw a little duct tape into the sex scenes, but no. You had to ignore the way people have been having sex with gerbils since desperate soldiers began to use duct tape for something other than ammo cases back in 1942. You’ll make a buck off of someone else’s much-derided kink, sure, but I can tell that you’re secretly disgusted with the idea. You had to make it acceptable to the mainstream by making the hero a were-gerbil; edgy but not disgusting, right, Jane? Thanks for making it harder for all the real Gerbillinaephiles out there.

    By the time I got to the end of this execrable and interminable tome, I knew your bitchy little buddies in the blogosphere would be raving about it. You’re just dying for someone with taste to do a guest #romfail so that you can get all that bad publicity for yourself as well! I know you want it all. You’re a piece of work, Jane. This book is a piece of something else.

    F-

    Love and Bunnies (no Gerbils for you!),
    Anah

    PS:
    #romfail Friday night
    Literary blood money
    for Jane, and blog hits

    ReplyReply

  12. alyt
    Sep 11, 2009 @ 15:16:30

    Dear Jane,

    I really, really, truly, absolutely 100% had wished to give you and The Multi-Billionaire's Virgin Rodent Wrangling Bride, a glowing review filled with puppies, rainbows and glowing waxed man-chests, but unfortunately, I won't be able to. (Okay, that's a lie. Not the part about this being a bad review, it will be, but the puppy-rainbow-man-chest part. This is a review and we all know the true secret motives of all reviewers is to get to use their carefully practiced evil laugh while the author in question cries into their cornflakes. Mwahaha. Oops jumping the gun there, you haven't cried yet.)

    Unfortunately, I will have to give this book a failing grade.

    Not because it was badly written, I quite enjoyed the prose especially this passage:

    “She could feel the exaggerated, heated, speeding of his heart where she was pressed up against his warm, chiseled chest. It was going at least 360 beats a minute.

    Although she was almost overcome with her nerves, she was just a shy virgin pressed up against the glorious visage that was the man she had loved since before puberty had hit, she couldn't help but flirt a little.

    ‘Oh my, are you having a heart attack, Cheesel, or are you just happy to see me?'

    He looked down at the girl he had unveiled his heart, soul and deepest, darkest, furriest secret to only hours before and couldn't help but be overwhelmed with the moment, his mind filled with burning, passionate thoughts questioning his taste. “That's my normal heart rate, Ho-Lotta. Not that I mind you trying to hit on me,” If that was what she was doing, it was rather hard to tell, but she was a virgin hamster wrangler, he supposed he should give her some leeway, “but perhaps in the future you could choose a better time than we are hiding from government agents inside a rather smelly dumpster. My throbbing man parts and secretly hidden warm heart aren't the only parts of me that are sensitive, my nose is, too.”

    Certainly not because your characters lacked depth or your dialogue lacked snap. There was an overabundance of fizzing chemistry. The threat of the government finding and neutering Cheesel for good kept me at the edge of my seat. I cried when Ho-Lotta thought he had lost his reproductive ability and her dream of rich gerbilite children went into smoke. There was such emotional depth and resonance. And ah, the Romance! I melted a little when Cheesel declared that the only wheel he would run in was Ho-Lotta and was truly moved when Ho-Lotta declared no amount of body hair would change her love.

    But the reason I must fail your book (and you at life) is because you succeed in your goal of making small rodent type thingies sexy. I cannot in good conscience further spread this abomination. There are hundreds, maybe thousands of captive gerbils in impressionable romance-readers homes. Think of the gerbils! Think of the children! Who knows what would happen if more people read this book! Look what happened with the Twilight!

    So while I very much enjoyed this book and will add to my ‘read when the apocalypse is nigh' shelf/shrine, I will buy an extra copy to burn, because it's filthy and I must show my protest.

    F

    ReplyReply

  13. Melissa
    Sep 11, 2009 @ 15:24:15

    Jane, addressing you directly for a moment, you should be aware that the rumor of you writing a book has been around for years and it’s going to be around for many more. Since SBTB released their book it has intensified. People take it with a grain of salt or they don’t depending on their feelings towards you. If you feel that your time is better spent entertaining such rumors that is up to you, but I’d much prefer to read a review rather than pick a side in this ongoing drama.

    Now, for all the chucklers, defenders, and shit-disturbers who have been having a very busy summer: for all the hollering about digital publishing it always comes down to this, the same spats and in-fighting, the mud-slinging, the false claims and finger-pointing, and it makes everyone involved look childish. The people who are claiming that they’re trying to make something out of digital publishing are too busy pissing and moaning about each other to be taken seriously. Authors/publishers at the throats of bloggers and vice versa and each side having the gall to call the other unprofessional. The professionals are writing, reviewing, editing, promoting, etc., not looking for ways in which they can screw one another over.

    Look at what has happened to threads about QP all over the internet – what could be an opportunity to discuss digital publishing has turned into “Well, she said this!” “But she said this!” “But you said this first!” How is that possibly adding to what could be a wonderful, informative discussion on the pitfalls of digital publishing?

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  14. Melissa Blue
    Sep 11, 2009 @ 15:25:33

    The first line of The Multi Billionaire's Virgin Rodent Wrangler Bride by Jane from DA, a paranormal romance, alerted me to the fact I may want to get the fork out now. You know, to gouge out my eyes for later. I could have gone on living a life without the knowledge of what Gershifters do with the ladies. I could almost forgive Jane because it is her debut novel. But the butchered reference to one of my favorite novels was un called for:

    “Once upon a time, there lived a were-gerbil, who had a large swizzle stick.”

    But, you want to know about the book, right?

    Ho-Latta Fagina and Cheesel McNaughtynuts are childhood sweethearts, except Cheesel has a secret from Ho-Latta. He's turns into a were-gerbil every full moon. Not only is this an embarrassing, “heart-wrenching” secret, but if the government finds out about his fast and furry alter-ego, contracting Tyzzer would be a merciful alternative.

    Ho-Latta, well, how can explain, Ho-Latta. I think this passage sums her up best.

    “Who would have known, who could have guessed that years later Ho-Latta's rib cage would still squeeze at the sound of Chee's voice. He didn't have a deep timbre, but a soft voice with a slight squeak that always made her lady part's gush.”

    By the last page I really wished those times she look at “Chee with lovingly eyes” her rib cage had in fact squeezed her to death.

    If you think the WTFery ends there, hold on my gentle reader. Here is the first full moon from Chee's POV.

    “ He glanced at his hands in horror. The pain was so… SSSSSSQQQQQQUUUUEEEEEAAAAAK!!!!, ripped from his throat as his long fingers shrunk into curled nails.”

    There are pages and pages of how he burdened with this month change. How he needs to find his mate or the changes will hurt more and more. Me, reading more and more was just as painful so I couldn't sympathize.

    So, f that wasn't bad enough we then finally meet the villains. The Big Bad Government who uses probes, and run perfume testing on the poor GerShifters. They fumble at every turn despite being the Best of the Best Secret Government. Yet I really don't blame them. Not that Chee is some mastermind. Or that Ho-Latta is anything to contend with her obvious brain-leakage.

    Have you ever tried to catch a gerbil?

    Another reviewer mentioned the hot love scenes. I leave you this to decide on your own.

    “Legs spread wide. She awaited her lover to enter her quivering lady walls. Her rib cage squeezed while the excitement built into a pool of lady nectar between her lower lips. This would be her first time and with Chee! She shivered and came violently just the thought of his whiskers touching her inner thighs.”

    I barely made it through this thing by the last page it was hinted at– “we have to save all Gershifter kind, are you with me my love?”–there would be sequels. I just need a scotch to swim in.

    Shame on your Jane. Shame.

    ReplyReply

  15. rebyj
    Sep 11, 2009 @ 15:25:37

    NOW the other shows up. Delete one of them if you want.

    ReplyReply

  16. Heidi
    Sep 11, 2009 @ 15:47:18

    I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.

    I’m not even going to try to match any of the reviews thus far. But I would like to put my vote in for Anah.

    First, I think she has gone the lowest in depravity :) Second, she has revived for for me the Richard Gere rumor going around during the 70′s and 80′s. Thanks so much. Now that image is once again burned into my brain. Third, now I will spend the evening trying to work out the logistics of her story… is Chee, when he turns into a were-gerbil, small enough….??? and the duct tape??

    I threw up again in my mouth. ;)

    ReplyReply

  17. Melissa Blue
    Sep 11, 2009 @ 15:50:25

    Heidi, I thought of Richard Gere too before I wrote mine. Decided not to. Some things are best left forgotten. Here’s some tums. Lol.

    ReplyReply

  18. Sheryl Nantus
    Sep 11, 2009 @ 15:53:30

    I think the hero needs a codpiece.

    ’nuff said.

    ;)

    ReplyReply

  19. Lori
    Sep 11, 2009 @ 15:56:12

    Dear Jane,

    I enjoyed your previous foray into the paranormal field with the Bitten By the Blogger books. Indeed, the world building you did in that series with the Mean Girls versus the virtuous Va-Jay-Jays led by character Haiti Street was beyond brilliant. And the final scene of said book where the severed head of Haiti kept going on and on and bored the Mean Girls to death was pure #romwin.

    Needless to say, I was completely compelled (and high on cold medicine) when I picked up a copy of your new novel: The Multi Billionaire's Virgin Rodent Wrangler Bride. To say I was disappointed is akin to saying that Karen Scott can be snarky on occasion.

    Ho-Lotta Fagina is a cookie cutter character in a hamster mold. Her strong resemblance to Victoria Dahl's hairdresser was obvious and her constant references to her “furry channel of love” was a complete rip-off of Tessa Dare's Warrior on a Wheel.

    Cheesel McNaughtynuts certainly was more original although the Gena Showalter influence was evident in the moving tattoo and unearthly desire for Cheez-Whiz on his Cheerios.

    I did enjoy the skillful characterizations of the secondary gerbils, especially Fhluffy, Mhopsie and Hharry. And the male bonding scene had me in stitches.

    “Pass me the cheese balls, guy.”
    “I'm gonna rip your nuts off asshole!”

    God, I love when men are written like men.

    There were highlights in this book, like, well… um, you have very nice penmanship Jane. I have to give this book an A+ in the hopes that ass kissing influences you unduly and one day you'll be my BFF.

    ReplyReply

  20. Castiron
    Sep 11, 2009 @ 15:56:46

    Dear Ms. _l:

    At first I was greatly enjoying your book, The Multi Billionaire’s Virgin Rodent Wrangler Bride. Yes, I had to hide the cover on the bus, but I was fascinated by Ho-Lotta and Chee’s developing relationship. I also greatly enjoyed the subplot with Harvey and Reynold the hamster jugglers; in fact, sometimes I rooted for their successful romance even more than I did the main characters’. Your setting was perfect; I could hear the squeak of the wheel and smell the cedar.

    But as I read, something about your text nagged at me. In several places, your writing style abruptly changed. For example, this passage where Ho-Lotta sees the shifted Chee for the first time:

    He broke away from her, panting. The moonlight struck his face, and suddenly the handsome man was gone.

    In his place….

    It was ratlike, looking like it belonged to the same family as the globally widespread brown rat, Rattus norvegicus, but in some features of appearance and habits it resembled more the jerboas (family Dipodidae) and kangaroo rats (family Heteromyidae).

    “Huh?” I thought. I read on.

    The fur was fawn on the upperparts of its body, the hairs often tipped with black, making it darker. The underparts were white. The tail was long and slender, often with a small tuft of hairs at the tip.

    “Oh my goodness!” Ho-Lotta shouted. “Even though we’re not in the dry, sparsely covered regions around deserts, you’re a gerbil!”

    Imagine my shock and horror when I plugged some of these phrases into Google Book Search and discovered that near-identical phrasing was used in the Gerbil article of The International Wildlife Encyclopedia by Robert Burton!

    Spurred by this, I went on to check other suspicious phrases. “Chees’s innate sense of curiosity and his friendly attitude towards people generally made taming a painless process, provided that Ho-Lotta applied a little common sense” matched a phrase in Raymond Gudas’s Gerbils. “Chee was excited when Ho-Lotta gave him a plastic enrichment device to play on, as he was gentile and docile by nature and intensely curious” matched up with a phrase from The Laboratory Hamster and Gerbil. And I could go on further, but I have already included enough links that my post will be quarantined by the blog software.

    Ms. _l, I am always hesitant to throw about a word such as “plagiarism”, but the similarity between these passages in your book and those in these texts rings my alarm bells. I suggest that other readers look at your text themselves and draw their own conclusions.

    As for myself, I would love to one day read a book that you have written. This one, however, I feel I must give an F to.

    ReplyReply

  21. MaryK
    Sep 11, 2009 @ 16:01:37

    Oh man, IMO, Castiron totally deserves the prize.

    ReplyReply

  22. DS
    Sep 11, 2009 @ 16:26:55

    @Castiron: Oh wow, just– oh wow. Good one!

    ReplyReply

  23. Heidi
    Sep 11, 2009 @ 16:28:46

    Thanks for the tums Melissa Blue. Now I just need some of Lori’s cold medicine to help stop the nightmares… ;)

    ReplyReply

  24. Fae Sutherland
    Sep 11, 2009 @ 16:54:26

    Castiron should totes win with that one. Brilliant.

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  25. RachaelfromNJ
    Sep 11, 2009 @ 18:01:46

    Dear Jane,
    Upon picking up your novel about a gerbil shifter, I had the highest hopes for an intensely satisfying read. But the names of your characters were grossly offensive and perverse which lead me to having vomit rise in my throat every time I tried to read your book. Your writing is extremely amateur and I think my five year old child could write better then you.

    After reading 500 pages of various positions that your gerbils had sex in, I had enough. There was absolutely zero characterization and this left me with an unclear picture of what your characters were really like. I went to a pet store and bought a gerbil just so I could have a clearer picture of Ho-Lotta Fangina in my mind. But then my gerbil saw your book and asked me to read it to her. The horror of reading this pornographic piece of garbage over and over to my new gerbil Jane was a horrible experience and I want to clean my eyes out with bleach now.

    My advice to you Jane is to never write another gerbil porno again. I can not look at my gerbil now without remembering the perverse things you put your characters through! You are not an author. You are a porno writer!

    Signed,
    Disgusted Reviewer

    ReplyReply

  26. Michelle
    Sep 11, 2009 @ 18:09:21

    Dear Jane,

    I am hopeful that this book is not the book of your heart and soul, but the result of a fevered nightmare after a bad meal. The premise of the were-gerbil was intriguing and could have succeeded if perhaps you would have restrained your baser instincts. Did you really have to have Chessel McNaughtynuts sparkle in the sun-I mean really SPARKLE in the sun? That has been a tad overdone don’t you think? Also the product endorsements weren’t subtle and they were distracting. I hope you got a big check from Habitrail. You dropped the ball with the love triangle between Chessel, Ho-Lotta, and the Ferdinand the feral were-ferret. Instead of coming off brooding, Ferdinand seemed more like a weasley type of hero. Also having him mend his broken heart by instantly falling in love with Ho-Lotta’s newborn daughter was disturbing bordering on incestuous. No matter how disappointing the book, I will not immediately add you to my NEVER buy this author EVAH again, but will give you one more chance. The excerpt of Crown Prince Ferdinand’s Wild Ride did show promise, and hopefully his pedophilic tendencies will be eliminated.

    Best Wishes, Michelle

    ReplyReply

  27. Anonymous111
    Sep 11, 2009 @ 19:10:20

    I’d give anything to see the look on HER face when she sees this. Priceless I’d imagine. I’d pay to see it. Think she’ll post a pic on her blog? lol

    ReplyReply

  28. Carolyn
    Sep 11, 2009 @ 19:10:58

    I really wanted to review this book, I really, really did!!

    But I found myself caught between a rock and a hard place (heh), and reams and reams of old discussions washed over me. Should I? Or shouldn’t I ….

    I made it through the twitching (actually the whisker tickling scene was kinda cute), I made it through that disastrous pellet scene (gerbils are notoriously excitable, especially when startled); I even got used to the hero’s size when he changed (he couldn’t do a whole lot with it, but anyway …)

    It was when she lost him. That’s when you lost me and the book became a wallbanger. Yup. He disappeared at a very crucial time and when I realized why she was moaning and … I can say no more!

    No grade, it was a DNF for me. But I wrote a (sort of) review, chancing the ire of some, but knowing that others will thank me in the end.

    Which is where our hero was finally found, btw.

    ReplyReply

  29. AnotherLori
    Sep 11, 2009 @ 19:18:32

    Oh dear heavens.

    Someone never let Carolyn review again.

    ReplyReply

  30. XandraG
    Sep 11, 2009 @ 19:23:26

    I couldn’t resist. Any book with a were-gerbil in it has to be a win.

    OMG everybody who gave this book a F are just h8rs and meengrrlz! Holatta and Chee were two of the best characters to ever come out of the pages of a book and theirloveissopureIcan’tstandit. I fell in lurve with Chee and made “Team Chee” t-shirts to give to all my friends who haven’t yet discovered this amazing book. And I’ve left my gerbil cage open at night because I just know I have my own Chee in there waiting for me, his beady little eyes firmly fixed on my quivering and flaming nipples in exstacy.

    You h8ers are only jealous of Jane because you wish you could have ger-boyfriends of your own and write like she does.

    signed,
    Britney RainbowMoon Fangirl

    ReplyReply

  31. Ana Thierry
    Sep 11, 2009 @ 19:45:59

    I can’t breathe….I can’t breathe…..

    ReplyReply

  32. Arianna Skye
    Sep 11, 2009 @ 19:59:37

    Dear jane_l,

    I have to say one thing. You’ve certainly got imagination. Who knew a gerbil’s tail could be so versatile? Chee knew the exact way to massage Ho-Latta’s womb with just one flick. How lucky she is! Despite that small anatomy fail, I found this story to be extremely engaging. The chemistry beetween Chee and Ho-Latta is SMOKING hot! Although, i admit I was a little worried we’d have a Nicholas Sparks ending. Thank goodness you came to your senses and the heroine was able to revive Chee with a little gerbil fellatio. How she manged not to bite it off will remain a mystery to me.

    I’ll certainly never look at a gerbil the same way again. Thanks to you and those beady, yet hauntingly sexy eyes of Cheesel McNaughtynuts. He can get nutty with me any time.

    B

    ReplyReply

  33. Heidi
    Sep 11, 2009 @ 20:01:32

    I swear, Jane, I don’t know how you will pick. Each one I read, starting at the top, I think, “This is it!” But then I read the next one, and again, “This is it!” XandraG’s use of h8ers has slightly made me more giddy than the others ’cause it reminds me so much of my 11-year old daughter and her Twilight madness. ~sigh~ Is there a 5-foot poster of Chee because I know if my daughter reads it that will be on her wall after she rips Edward down (yes, we’re Team Edward). ;)

    ReplyReply

  34. Kristine
    Sep 11, 2009 @ 20:17:17

    Dear Jane,
    I must say that this was the best book I have ever read. EVERYONE overlooks the rodents as major heros. Think of the benefits of having a GerShifter as a lover: when you drop something behind your dresser, he can just shift and get it for you.

    Ultimately, I felt that the best thing about this book was the characters. They were both well developed, but Cheesel McNaughtynuts stole my heart like it was a peanut. You could easily tell when when you were seeing things from Cheesel’s POV. He truely reminded me of a gerbil. I commend you for being able to get so deep into the mind of a gerbil. That is a true gift.

    The only problem I had with the book was the plot. I really didn’t see the purpose. The amazing characterization earns an A- (the – is because of Ho-Lotta Fagina. I don’t know why she rejected Cheesel at first. Not logical.); however, the plot earns a C–+-.

    Overall grade: B-+
    I hope that there will be lots more books written about GerShifters.

    ReplyReply

  35. Suze
    Sep 11, 2009 @ 20:27:35

    Dear Jane,

    Woe the day, and pity your mother that she ever birthed you. Alack that you ever set pen to paper, or even fingers to keys.

    This travesty, this abortion of a novel, has entirely ruined the Were sub-genre forevermore!

    A pox on you and all your line! I curse you to the nth generation. A plague upon your unfortunate progeny, who will ever bear the shame of springing from the loins of so heinous a criminal as you.

    The queen herself disowns the English language, it has suffered so grievously at your hands.

    Yer book sux!

    PS Write soon with gifts :)

    ReplyReply

  36. Shiloh Walker
    Sep 11, 2009 @ 21:19:02

    Dear Jane

    I wanted to like your book. really. But I kept thinking about hairballs and how unpleasant oral sex would be with a rodent. I’m sorry.

    ReplyReply

  37. Julia
    Sep 11, 2009 @ 21:20:27

    Dear Jane,

    I read your first foray into the world of romance novels and I have to admit I was not pleased with the result. The premise was unique and I hoped to find a novel that could live up to the hype surrounding it. After being a trending topic on Twitter for two weeks straight I figured there was no way the book would disappoint. Little did I know, most of the people tweeting about The Multi-Billionaire’s Virgin Rodent Wrangler Bride were saying negative things about it. I sooned discovered why.

    Never have a read a book filled with so many cliches. If you take a look at this list of romance novel cliches you’ll see that Virgin Rodent Wrangler uses 8/9 of them. I do have to commend you for your cunning use of The Will Stipulation. How you managed to work that in was a sight to be seen!

    The names in your were troubling to me. I’m not sure if you noticed, but if you say Ho-Lotta Fagina quickly, it sounds a bit rude. You need to take things like that into consideration when naming your characters and places. And I don’t even want to mention the name you used for the city the fight scene was set in. I don’t like to use words like that in public.

    Overall, I can see the potential in the story, but you, as a writer, are sorely lacking. I would advise giving up altogether and finding a new career as this will never be a profitable one for you. But do keep coming up with story ideas. I’m sure you can find a writer with even a modicum amount of talent to write the actual book. And take all the credit.

    Best regards,
    Julia

    ReplyReply

  38. hapalochlaena
    Sep 11, 2009 @ 22:49:55

    Dear reviewers,

    I hate you all. You made me frighten my pets! I’ll have to go console the poor shivering furballs now, but not before wiping these tears off my face.

    Ow, ow, ow. My ribs!

    ReplyReply

  39. Sam DG
    Sep 12, 2009 @ 04:56:18

    You guys are horrible! This is Jane’s baby. She poured her heart and soul into it and all you do is stomp all over her with your talk of plots and characterization! Like that is so important when she obviously writes from the HEART. At least she has a heart. And that’s the most important thing in a review to remember. It’s not just about whether or not it was good or you liked it!

    And besides, You Bitches wouldn’t know a plot if it walked all over you.

    And I just want to say, it’s HARD to write good. You have no idea. Ya’ll are just jealous, ’cause she has a contract with Paranoid Prissy Press! I think Dara Joy and that Corey guy she is with are starting it up, so ya’ll can laugh all you want, but these are two people who really know what they are doing in the publishing world.

    Just ’cause ya’ll can’t write, you feel like you can take it all out on this amazing love story!

    ReplyReply

  40. Hero Material
    Sep 12, 2009 @ 06:17:28

    Dear Jane,

    …you ignorant slut. Your “new” book is nothing more than an obvious a rip-off of the time-honored Hamshifter genre. Did you really think that you could just stick a tail on one of the Hhamsterene and not have anyone notice?!!?

    Oh, granted, the fact that Cheesel can use that tail to perform a Double Penetration all by himself while simultaneously kissing Ho-Lotta probably caused all the female readers blush prettily. But one kinky sex scene does not make a novel. (And let’s face it: any protagonist that needs a tail to balance on his hind legs will never measure up to the virility of such heroes as Jack Hammer.) The foragingg, the scratchingg, nest-buildingg…Jane, Jane, simply adding a “g” doesn’t make these passages original! It simply imparts an element of impurity to scenes that were handled with consummate skill in such Ham-lit classics as For Ham the Belle Toils and Dial R for Rodent.

    Most egregious were the attempts at poetry scattered throughout the book. Who do you think you are, A. S. Byatt? The life-cycle of a gerbil is hardly a fitting subject for an epic poem.

    My nuts, scattered on
    the ground like
    woodshavings.
    Burrow, burrow into the
    sands of night.
    Claw not the hand that
    lifts you
    bodily
    into
    the
    air.
    For you may fall.

    Please. I’ve read sunflower seed bags that had better imagery. Nor can I find anything to commend the clarity of your writing, since half your readers seem not to have grasped the fact that Cheesel, far from turning into a cute little ball of fur during the full moon, in fact becomes a 180-pound rodent bent on feedingg and f*ckingg.

    Fitting, in a way; reading this amateurish debut was like getting mounted and penetrated by a giant gerbil still sandy from its bath.

    F

    ReplyReply

  41. ms bookjunkie
    Sep 12, 2009 @ 08:27:42

    @rebyj FTW!

    ReplyReply

  42. Nadia Lee :: Author » Blog » Jane’s Weregerbil Romance Debut
    Sep 12, 2009 @ 08:42:06

    [...] to be outdone, Jane has requested reviews on her alleged were-gerbil romance The Multi-Billionaire's Virgin Rodent Wrangli… And people have responded. They’re all in good fun, especially now that Jane’s secret [...]

  43. Anon76
    Sep 12, 2009 @ 08:46:16

    Upon reading this book, it took me a very long time to figure out what exactly to say in my review. After much reflection and numerous restarts, I now know exactly what I want to say.

    Dear Publisher,

    WTF?????????????

    ReplyReply

  44. kate r
    Sep 12, 2009 @ 09:13:33

    Dear Jane,

    While I appreciate the enthusiasm of your first attempt at gerbil werecraft, I’m sad that you didn’t take the time to research the subject. From what I understand, you wrote this book without so much as a glance at the works that came before. There is a solid body of lore, and when you ignore those books, you risk losing the very readers you want to attract, the life-long avid GerRodFur fans.

    When I read that you hadn’t even bothered to leaf through that classic work of literature, Rodent Rapture, and A Gerbil Gentleman, I knew you had missed out on a rich and glorious tradition and were going to try to reinvent the wheel–or even worse throw one into your work. And God, yes, there it was. Steel and squeaky, just like always.

    Unfortunately you seemed to have picked up on the oft-repeated cliches floating around with non-readers, and even with your admittedly deft writing style, you can’t make your characters anything more than cartoonish caricatures of the subgenre. I cringed when I got to the wheel love scene. Been there, done that, oh, about a thousand dizzying times. At least you spared us the obligatory habitrail chase, but that’s about the only dreary cliche you left out of the mix.

    Chees represents the very worst of GerRodWeres, the stereotype of the alpha rodent, the nimble front paws, the powerful teeth, the oh-so-frequent fast-paced humping, the extensive use of tail action, as other reviewers have remarked.

    I hope next time you pick up a pen you go for a paranormal subject that hasn’t been done to death in other, better works.

    ReplyReply

  45. Jill Sorenson
    Sep 12, 2009 @ 09:28:27

    Dear Jane,

    I read your blog posts religiously, so I was very excited to get an advance copy of your debut novel! Although I enjoyed the chipmunk subplot, I had some problems with the were-gerbil romance. Your hero's deception left a bad taste in my mouth, not unlike wood shavings. The suspense portion was also weak. The were-gerbil agent seemed to spin his wheels rather than do any actual investigating.

    Lastly, I thought the hero's initial rejection of the heroine was pretty lame. What kind of red-blooded rodent gives up a chance to get a little tail?

    On the bright side, the love scenes smoked up the pages, and the setting was very well done. You made that gerbil tunnel come alive! I could almost smell the droppings at the bottom of the cage.

    B-

    Best regards,

    Jill : )

    ReplyReply

  46. Deidre Knight
    Sep 12, 2009 @ 11:05:04

    I just wished it could have been a steampunk chimpmunk, only for sake of inner rhyme and publishing trends. So I’ve decided to decline to offer a review at this time.

    ReplyReply

  47. Jody
    Sep 12, 2009 @ 11:07:11

    Dear Jane,

    I am new to the world of category romance, but your book has enriched my reading experience considerably, and will, I daresay, replace Knight Moves as the genre’s gold standard. Genre bending is only one of the terms I could use to describe The Multi-Billionaire’s Virgin Rodent Wrangler Bride.

    Ho-Lotta and Cheesel were an appealing h/h, and Cheesel’s angst and reluctance to embrace his were gerbilhood were very believable. Ho-Lotta’s ten page soliloquy on the repercussions of loving a were-gerbil actually brought tears to my eyes. It would have been boring in the hands of a lesser author, but your sensitivity and vocabulary gave voice to the sufferings of were-gerbils everywhere. And, BTW, kudos to you for boldly confronting the size issue. Yes, it does matter and the sex scenes were beyond hot.

    The only problem I have with your otherwise stellar debut novel is the chiffhanger ending. Why, oh why, did you allow the evil Persian, Fluffah zi Fishbrezh, to take over the story in the final chapter? Now we have to wait for the sequel to find out if the adorably cuddly Cheesel will escape her nasty paws. Actually, Fluffah’s own story would make a fine followup. I, for one, would be fascinated to know the story behind her notched ear.

    Grade: B

    ReplyReply

  48. kate r
    Sep 12, 2009 @ 11:31:21

    Oh, man. The phrase that is going to linger like bacon scent or Rick Astley.
    Steampunk Chipmunk

    ReplyReply

  49. Leslie
    Sep 12, 2009 @ 12:40:08

    Dear Jane,

    My short review: I did manage to read two pages of your debut novel and given that I couldn’t even read one paragraph of OH MY GOD MY GIRLFRIEND’S A BARBARIAN I guess that means your book is better than that. Or something. I’ve never been a fan of were-shifting anythings and I had a hard time wrapping my head around a gerbil, no matter how appealing Cheesel was. Sorry I can’t be more enthusiastic about it.

    On the other hand, your publisher was very wise to release this as a Kindle book and even smarter to offer it as a freebie on Amazon, where fanatical Kindle owners have been downloading it like hotcakes (in case you haven’t noticed, it is #1 in romance -> paranormal -> shapeshifting -> gerbils and #3 in romance-> thrillers-> furries -> rodents). A more sympathetic reader than me has started a thread for your book in The Book Corner at KindleBoards and quite a few readers have been posting. You even have a few saying, “This is so good, I would have paid for it!” — clearly is the ultimate in Kindle praise.

    Which just goes to show that opinions are like assholes — everyone has one — and I guess my DNF grade doesn’t count for much, since you do have fans among the Kindleholics. And, btw, they are eagerly waiting for the sequel.

    L

    ReplyReply

  50. Melissa Blue
    Sep 12, 2009 @ 13:59:17

    “Which just goes to show that opinions are like assholes -’ everyone has one”

    You should win, just for that line alone. Snort.

    And, OMG, I have so many typos in my review. Sigh.

    ReplyReply

  51. SonomaLass
    Sep 12, 2009 @ 16:32:35

    Dear Jane,

    I hesitate to share my views on this book, because as one of your mindless minions, I know that no one will take my opinion seriously. Also, writing an actual review will take time away from my endless quest to find every single #romfail hater on the internet and squash them like the bugs they are — again, because I am your mindless minion.

    However, I must express my concern that everyone is taking your book so … seriously! Do these people not recognize parody when they read it? Would they take the same approach to Pride and Prejudice and Zombies or Bored of the Rings? Personally, I thought that your use of every romance cliché in the world would take longer than this category-length novel, especially since you had to include the particularly lengthy list of shifter tropes. But you did it, and my hat’s off to you, because it could not have been a pleasant task.

    I think this book is a worthy beginning to your Deliberate Romfail series. (Oops, did I just reveal the secret plan? Sorry!) I can’t wait for the next one. Have you decided to take on the historical genre, with The Bewildered Duke’s Anatomically Incorrect Mistress? Or can we look forward instead to your contemporary romance, The Asshat Alpha and the Silently Weeping Doormat? I look forward to them all, and I’m not just saying that because I am,
    YMM,
    SonomaLass

    ReplyReply

  52. hapalochlaena
    Sep 12, 2009 @ 17:43:27

    Dear Jane,

    This Is Just To Say

    I can’t finish
    the book
    you left in
    my mail box

    and which
    you were hoping I’d
    praise to
    the heavens.

    Forgive me
    it was disgusting
    puerile
    and so rank.

    ReplyReply

  53. hapalochlaena
    Sep 12, 2009 @ 19:02:01

    Dear Author’s main blogger Jane Litte
    Signed up in secret with Q P
    Was outed, in glee
    by Jamaica the Flea
    For regaling us with weretitty.

    There was a were-gerbil called Cheezel
    Whose Ho-Lotta Fagina queebled
    “We’ve run out of tape
    Let’s replace it with grape-
    fruit to make me perform like a weasel.”

    And the book sank deeper in mire
    Traumatizing our reviewer
    ‘Til she got up in rage
    And tore off each page,
    Consigning the tome to the fire.

    ReplyReply

  54. blodeuedd
    Sep 13, 2009 @ 05:19:22

    Haha what an awesome choice, what we have to do to survive.
    Cool to hear about this one

    ReplyReply

  55. bridget3420
    Sep 13, 2009 @ 21:43:02

    Sounds like a yummy read!

    ReplyReply

  56. Castiron
    Sep 14, 2009 @ 11:26:39

    @SonomaLass: I now badly want to read a review of The Bewildered Duke's Anatomically Incorrect Mistress. Actually, I want to read the reviews everyone here would write of it!

    ReplyReply

  57. WINNER of the Best Review of My Were Gerbil | Dear Author: Romance Novel Reviews, Industry News, and Commentary
    Sep 17, 2009 @ 20:15:43

    [...] ~Castiron [...]

  58. RWA Wants Associate Members Who Foster Relationships Between Readers and Authors | Dear Author: Romance Novel Reviews, Industry News, and Commentary
    Nov 23, 2009 @ 20:07:21

    [...] is true that I have publicly stated I have no aspirations to write. (See blog post referenced in letter here). It is also true that I make fun of bad books (or what I consider to be bad books). Examples can [...]

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