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REVIEW: Real Vampires Have Curves by Gerry Bartlett

Dear Ms Bartlett,

I have to be honest and tell you that if this hadn’t’ve been a review book, I wouldn’t have gotten more than 1/2 way through it. As it was, I kept trying to think positively and flipping pages. At the halfway mark, I started skimming. By the end, I knew I would not be continuing on with you in this series.

Gloriana Eloisa St. Claire is a vampire and has been for almost 400 years. A sexy Highlander converted her backstage at the Globe Theatre in London where she was scandalizing her parents by acting in an age where women didn’t act. But then she’d already disgraced them by marrying a (now dead) actor in the first place so there wasn’t much lower she could go. At least she thought so until she met Jerry, well that’s what he goes by now, Jerry Blade and he’s still one hot, sexy vampire. Currently they’re in the off cycle of their on/off romance and Glory is finishing up a stint in Vegas before moving on to Austin, TX. During the trip, Jerry phones her to warn her that an old friend of theirs has been taken by a vampire hunter. Stunned, Glory gets the details on this new hunter who is treating vampires like big game trophies and who has access to new and sophisticated technology which allows him to stalk them better.

After she arrives in TX, Glory sets up her new business with an apartment above the shop, both provided at a nominal rent by the vampire brother of her new vampire employee, Florence da Vinci (well he did paint her numerous times in Italy). Over the years Glory has aquired quite a collection of vintage clothing (which will happen when you don’t want to throw much out) and she’s decided to clean her closets and pay the rent in one fell swoop by opening a vintage clothing boutique. But will she be able to fend off the overprotective urges of her old lover Jerry, her new wannabe lover Damian, deal with her telepathic over protective dog, run a business and stay unstaked by the hunter?

The first problem I had with the book is the person telling the story. A reader has to like a first person narrator and Glory started getting on my nerves by the end of chapter one. Her Vamp Lit style was never ending yet grating. This is one book which will not age well, I’m afraid but then I think that about most books which use Sex and the City as a guide. I also do not like it when authors describe their characters by telling me which celebrities the characters are supposed to resemble. To me that’s lazy. Describe the person and if I get a mental image, then fine but don’t just say “he looks like Hugh Jackman” or “she looks like Angelina Jolie.”

If you’re going to create your own fantasy/paranormal world, then do the work and don’t just tell me that Glory’s hair still grows by some kind of vamp magic. This is also lazy. Ditto on the shapeshifting. Explain this world or leave these aspects out.

I’m sick of faux Highland dialogue. Don’t go there even in jest.

I never liked the telepathic dog. Not for a minute. Nor the two ghosts who haunted Glory’s store and wrote messages in the dust. And how did Harvey write some of his messages on the counter after the dust was dusted away? Things like that pulled me out of the story trying to figure out.

You have a very large cast of characters and after a while, I started to get all the secondary vampire characters mixed up. Plus the shapeshifters and mortals….

I knew that Glory’s store sold vintage stuff. I knew that she had a lot of vintage stuff of her own she sold and that she bought to be sold. Therefore, I didn’t need to be told that each item she wore or that got sold in the store was a “vintage” something.

Glory has had almost 400 years to get used to her size. She was converted in an age when curvaceous women were the norm and desired. This has been true for most of her vampire existence. Why is she so hung up on her weight? After a while, I just wanted her to shut up about it.

After finishing this book, I realize that at least for now I’ve had it with vampire books. If I had read your book last year or two years ago, the grade might have been higher but when I don’t particularly enjoy the character telling a first person book, when every vampire cliche in the genre gets tossed in plus a telepathic dog and ghosts, when nothing new is done with the genre and when it’s an effort for me to finish a book, then I’m afraid I can’t grade higher than a D.

~Jayne


Another long time reader who read romance novels in her teens, then took a long break before started back again about 15 years ago. She enjoys historical romance/fiction best, likes contemporaries, action- adventure and mysteries, will read suspense if there's no TSTL characters and is currently reading very few paranormals.

65 Comments

  1. msaggie
    Mar 07, 2007 @ 07:36:59

    I love the YouTube video! It’s such a neat way of summing things up – could we have a few more videos accompanying reviews (say once a fortnight? – for sheer entertainment!) – or do videos work better if one is thrashing a book? And thanks for the review – another one to miss.

  2. Tara Marie
    Mar 07, 2007 @ 08:00:26

    Very nicely done Jane (and Ned). :D

    I knew I wouldn’t be participating this month book club. I’ve never found a vampire comedy that works for me–not my thing I guess.

  3. Jane
    Mar 07, 2007 @ 08:08:11

    ms aggie, I have done 3, I think, other video reviews, but they do take a while so this year, unless I am really inspired, I am only going to do them for the book club selections. You can see the other video reviews here.

  4. LinM
    Mar 07, 2007 @ 08:47:20

    I think that all of the votes for this book came from a limited number of IP addresses (pick any number between one and one). But, the review and video make it all worthwhile. Congratulations!

  5. Sandy AAR
    Mar 07, 2007 @ 08:55:29

    You Can’t Aways Get What You Want, Ms. Butler, but sometimes you get what you need.

    Brava, Jane and Jayne!

  6. Sandy AAR
    Mar 07, 2007 @ 08:57:03

    Ooops, sorry, I meant, of course, Ms. Bartlett!

  7. Angie
    Mar 07, 2007 @ 09:01:23

    Tara Marie replies:

    I knew I wouldn’t be participating this month book club. I’ve never found a vampire comedy that works for me-not my thing I guess.

    Ditto, Tara, though it didn’t crystalize for me in those terms until I read your comment. Katie MacAlister, Lyndsey Sands, Kerrilyn Sparks and the others who write it have never tripped my switch, though I’ve tried them all.

    Great reviews, Jayne and Jane! The video review always makes me laugh.

  8. Jane
    Mar 07, 2007 @ 09:18:31

    Jayne suggested the song. Ultimately I was glad that there were so many pop culture references because Ned wasn’t in the mood to draw me very many pictures. I asked him if I was going to need to take drawing lessons and he sighed mightily and said no.

    There was one part of the book that neither Jayne nor I addressed and I wasn’t sure how to include but I felt it was rather shocking.
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    Glory has either real sex or mind sex with another vampire in a nearby room while all her other vampire friends are plotting how to take out the baddies who are hunting the vamprires. Then it appears that Glory was under mind control by the other vamp. She doesn’t appear to be greatly disturbed by this, but I thought it was very close to a rape and wondered if I had totally missed something. I don’t really like it when this type of scene is included and then so blithely dismissed. Jayne?
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  9. Jayne
    Mar 07, 2007 @ 09:42:50

    Warning – spoiler –

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    Actually I thought she was very upset – for about 24 hrs – and she did vow to block that vampire whenever she was around him again. Maybe once the need for vampire unity was temporarily over either Glory or Blade would do something about what happened. Personally I’d have been trying to stake the bastard myself.

  10. Jane
    Mar 07, 2007 @ 09:48:30

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    Okay, see I didn’t see her upset because later on she’s still thinking how hot Damon is. I mean, if you were really upset that someone physically violated you, would you still be contemplating his assets?
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  11. Jan
    Mar 07, 2007 @ 09:51:40

    Actually I thought she was very upset – for about 24 hrs – and she did vow to block that vampire whenever she was around him again.

    Is that something like blocking phone calls with caller ID?

    This sums up why I’ve stopped reading paranormals.

  12. Jayne
    Mar 07, 2007 @ 09:58:26

    Re: vampire blocking – yeah it’s something like that. The vampires in this world can read minds and other vampires must block them out if they don’t want their thoughts known. Glory gets a killer headache when she does this (though she’s had 400 years to get used to it, she’s not bothered until now to ever do it for long). The parts where she’s still mooning over his assets must have happened after I started skimming.

  13. Jane
    Mar 07, 2007 @ 10:01:03

    Yeah, Glory’s inability to do anything for 400 years is amazing. WHat is her motivation now for learning how to use her vampire powers such as speed and strength. Pah.

  14. Jan
    Mar 07, 2007 @ 10:11:53

    Glory gets a killer headache when she does this (though she’s had 400 years to get used to it, she’s not bothered until now to ever do it for long).

    Yeah, Glory’s inability to do anything for 400 years is amazing.

    One would think natural selection would have taken care of vampires like her long ago. But let us not bring logic into it.

  15. Jane
    Mar 07, 2007 @ 10:14:36

    No, Blade has taken care of her, even though Glory doesn’t like him. or thinks she doesn’t like him. Even though Blade does everything he can to be there for her. But she wants her independence, dammit, to sell her vintage clothes and be mind raped.

  16. Jan
    Mar 07, 2007 @ 10:32:53

    A TSTL vampire? Blade must have had his hands full. It’s a wonder he had time to get involved in the Marvel franchise.

  17. Jane
    Mar 07, 2007 @ 10:34:31

    some vampires take the time to learn new skills during their long lifetimes. Apparently Blade’s skill is multi-tasking – being a comic superhero and saving TSTL heroines. Actually – isn’t that what goes on in comics anyway because I’ve always thought that Spidey’s girlfriend was a bit TSTL.

  18. Jan
    Mar 07, 2007 @ 11:03:52

    Well, I’ve not read Blade since the early 80s. He had a kickass heroine / girlfriend at the time, and so was apparently cheating on Gloriana LOL.

    I think most of those older comic heroines are TSTL so the manly men could save them. Otherwise the writers would have had to come up with PLOT, God forbid. (This is a big reason why women for the most part prefer manga to American comics. Though manga has its share of the TSTL heroines as well.)

    But I’d hoped romances were moving past that.

  19. Jane
    Mar 07, 2007 @ 11:07:16

    Blade and Glory have an open relationship at times so I don’t know that he was technically cheating on her. I also don’t think this is a romance. It’s a chicklit vampire paranormal. You know?

  20. Teddy Pig
    Mar 07, 2007 @ 11:23:19

    Ok then you guys can hate me but I liked Katie MacAlister – Even Vampires Get The Blues

    Katie McAlister Link

    I thought it was cute and funny and smart. A little too smart, but hey nothing is perfect.

  21. Angie
    Mar 07, 2007 @ 12:10:42

    Teddy Pig replies:
    Ok then you guys can hate me but I liked Katie MacAlister – Even Vampires Get The Blues

    Kate MacAlister Link

    I thought it was cute and funny and smart. A little too smart, but hey nothing is perfect.

    Why would someone hate you for liking her book? Katie MacAlister has a huge number of fans and is clearly doing something right for their reading tastes. Jane and I have opposite opinions on books sometimes and I hope we don’t hate each other because of it!

    Though who knows, maybe she does have a picture of me on a dartboard in her office that she throws at, all the while muttering, “How DARE she like that book!”

  22. Jayne
    Mar 07, 2007 @ 12:10:50

    Teddy Pig, I know there will be plenty of readers out there who will adore this book. A good friend of mine loves MacAlister, buys everything she writes and can’t wait for more. But after sitting and thinking about it for a minute, I’m more with Tara Marie. I do love Julie Kenner’s Demon hunting series but Kenner seems to mix more emotional highs and lows into her stories instead of a stream of constant one-liners for laughs.

  23. Tara Marie
    Mar 07, 2007 @ 12:17:01

    Ok then you guys can hate me but I liked Katie MacAlister – Even Vampires Get The Blues.

    We might question your taste, but we wouldn’t hate you–LOL.

    Heck, I think those of us who don’t like these books are the exception instead of the rule, obviously or they wouldn’t be so popular.

  24. Teddy Pig
    Mar 07, 2007 @ 12:17:38

    Nah, I get ya and that was the problem actually. You just gots them there better words than I do to describe it. But I get ya.

    I liked the laughs though so Katie MacAlister just needs to put some more realistic trauma and drama into the mix to kick some depth into those two dimensional characters.

    But hey I like comics too so two dimensions can be fun every once in a while but I tend to take smaller bites less often.

    Heh, vampire… bites… get it!

  25. Jane
    Mar 07, 2007 @ 12:17:59

    Jayne hates the funny. I know this because she dissed Stephanie Rowe’s Date Me Baby One More Time. But then, Jayne does love Lisa Cach.

    As for Angie – hey, have you been spying on me or what? And I swear, it wasn’t you.

  26. Sybil
    Mar 07, 2007 @ 12:19:27

    [quote comment="24308"]Ok then you guys can hate me but I liked Katie MacAlister – Even Vampires Get The Blues

    Katie MacAlister Link
    I thought it was cute and funny and smart. A little too smart, but hey nothing is perfect.[/quote]
    See! You may be the one to pick up this book and love it.

    There is a reader for everything! But uh not me for this one. I knew when I saw it in the catalog it was a pass….

  27. Angie
    Mar 07, 2007 @ 12:21:08

    It still counts, Jane, even if it was just a picture Ned drew.

    And, Teddy, there have been times I’ve sworn I was the only one who didn’t love a book (like the Stephanie Rowe book Jane just used as an example). I was actually relieved when I saw someone blog about this book the other day and that they didn’t love it. I was starting to feel a bit freakish myself. I had no idea Jayne dissed it as well. Now I feel all warm and fuzzy in the love (or unlove as the case may be).

  28. Teddy Pig
    Mar 07, 2007 @ 12:23:16

    Can we talk about Lora Leigh now?
    I just read this blurb of yet another book she is promising is dark because the guy wants something sick and disgusting from the good little girl he has wood for.

    Anyone want to place a 50$ bet with me it’s just more damn buttsecks?

    Any takers? Anyone?

    Damn…

  29. Jayne
    Mar 07, 2007 @ 12:26:07

    Me wuves youuuu Angie! Smoochies ;)

  30. Teddy Pig
    Mar 07, 2007 @ 12:27:29

    Damn! Comment lock up!

    Anyway, can we talk about Lora Leigh now?

    I just read a soon to be coming blurb on Nauti Boy… or is it Naughty Boi?

    Anyway who wants to bet me the dark deep nasty things the main man wants to do to the sweet good girl he throws wood for is just more buttsecks?

    Any taker?

    Huh?

    dang it…

  31. Teddy Pig
    Mar 07, 2007 @ 12:31:11

    Oops I think I just broke the site…

    Sorry Jane and Jayne!

  32. Angie
    Mar 07, 2007 @ 12:31:29

    I would take that bet but it wouldn’t be fair to you since Nauhti Boy was originally a Samhain release and I’ve read it :)

  33. Jayne
    Mar 07, 2007 @ 12:33:23

    Nah, Teddy our spam blocker just caught your first comment, that’s all. When comments go — poof!– that’s generally what’s going on.

  34. Teddy Pig
    Mar 07, 2007 @ 12:34:43

    Yeah Pigs and Spam, who knew.

  35. Sybil
    Mar 07, 2007 @ 12:37:42

    [quote comment="24319"]Damn! Comment lock up!

    Anyway, can we talk about Lora Leigh now?

    I just read a soon to be coming blurb on Nauti Boy… or is it Naughty Boi?

    Anyway who wants to bet me the dark deep nasty things the main man wants to do to the sweet good girl he throws wood for is just more buttsecks?

    Any taker?

    Huh?

    dang it…[/quote]

    dude… I adore her! lol don’t listen to that jane girl… she is teh evol.

    Lora is gonna guest blog in June, come by ;)

  36. Sybil
    Mar 07, 2007 @ 12:40:57

    [quote comment="24322"]I would take that bet but it wouldn’t be fair to you since Nauhti Boy was originally a Samhain release and I’ve read it :)[/quote]

    pish posh… I read that, the ARC, the final copy (::coughawhileagocough::) and have an excerpt to post.

    soooo uh, I got nothing. LOL I liked it. But I am odd like that.

  37. Teddy Pig
    Mar 07, 2007 @ 12:41:29

    Hey, I am with Jane on that last review… You promise me BDSM? You had best come up with the goods dang it!

    Although I am thinking of writing a very nice review of Elizabeth’s Wolf while doing my damnedest not to bring up the rest of the Breed series.

    I wonder if my teeth can handle that much grinding?

  38. Jackie
    Mar 07, 2007 @ 12:43:08

    Actually – isn’t that what goes on in comics anyway because I’ve always thought that Spidey’s girlfriend was a bit TSTL.

    Which one? Gwen Stacey got killed by the Green Goblin (remember when people died and stayed dead in the comics?), and didn’t Peter marry MJ?

    (Sorry; turning off the fangirl ray)

  39. Kimberly Raye
    Mar 07, 2007 @ 16:19:32

    Dear Jayne,

    I loved, loved, LOVED the video. I am always on the lookout for new fat adjectives. Yes, I, too, obsess about my weight. I could be 4000 years old and I’ll still be angsting about my size. Good thing I’m not a vampire. As for the book, I truly enjoyed it. But then I like chick lit paranormal. I think a fat vampire is actually a breath of fresh air in the genre. Bartlett paints from a different angle while still fulfilling reader expectations when it comes to this type of book. Congrats, Ms. Bartlett!

  40. Sarah F.
    Mar 07, 2007 @ 16:59:49

    Teddy Pig, if you want BDSM, you have tried Joey Hill, right? Straight BDSM (mostly), but OMG, brilliant.

  41. Teddy Pig
    Mar 07, 2007 @ 17:05:37

    Dear Author reviewed Natural Law and said BDSM was never so good.

    So of course being Leather which is sorta Gay BDSM with lots of rules I went right over and read it…

    Damn good book actually, although I thought Joey kinda likes to make the romance part more important at the end than the BDSM part…

    But hey, I am a giver and so I give thanks to Joey when she does what she does so so so well.

  42. Sarah F.
    Mar 07, 2007 @ 18:12:26

    Trust me, I know leather. ;) Straight leather, admittedly, but still…

    Hill’s “Holding the Cards” has a fabulous m/m/f scene in it. But you’re right, although the female is supposed to be a domme, it’s really much more about the romance. Supposedly, she’s got a m/m D/s book coming out soon with characters from HTC, so I’m looking forward to that.

    Otherwise, Jules Jones (Loose Id) has some pretty good m/m BDSM (mild), and Laura Baumbach is just good raunchy m/m sex.

  43. teddy pig
    Mar 07, 2007 @ 18:33:01

    Well Sarah,

    Talking M/M romances…

    I can’t really talk about it but I’ve been reading something that if it actually makes it past editing.

    Oh my… My my my
    You will be surprised at who is writing it.

    HOT!

  44. Donna M
    Mar 07, 2007 @ 19:38:16

    I’m with Kimberly. The next time I want LOL funny, and hunky vampires to boot, I’ll look for another book by Ms. Bartlett. I found it completely refreshing to have a heroine who’s not quite perfect but still has what it takes to attract and hold said hunk. And, unless I missed the boat somewhere, Glory had a spurt of “character growth” towards the end and I’ll bet she could beat the heck out of those mice now!

  45. Sarah F.
    Mar 07, 2007 @ 20:33:12

    Teddy Pig, you damn tease. I should beat you–oh, wait… ;)

  46. Angelle
    Mar 07, 2007 @ 21:51:36

    I like my vamp books dark. So I guess this book won’t work for me.

  47. Kristie(J)
    Mar 07, 2007 @ 22:26:30

    Ach lass, dinna ya ken ye had me laughing the whole time there. I ken they may be difficult for ye ta do, but they are loved by the lot of us. Ye ken lassie? And nae, I dinna mean the dog.

  48. Jane
    Mar 07, 2007 @ 22:31:36

    LMAO!

  49. Kristie(J)
    Mar 07, 2007 @ 22:36:18

    And nothing to do with this review, but every day on the way to work they play the song from your brilliant video review of Meljean’s book and I can’t listen to the song without picturing your video and I get to work every morning still chuckling.

  50. sarah
    Mar 07, 2007 @ 22:36:43

    Loved Gerry Bartlett’s REAL VAMPIRES HAVE CURVES. This is a fun lol read. Lots of funny characters with surprises around every turn. Valdez is my favorite, wish he was my dog. I’m looking forward to reading Gerry’s next book in the series.

  51. Keishon
    Mar 07, 2007 @ 22:46:13

    Loved the video Jane but I think my computer was acting up and ruined most of the experience by not playing it all the way through. I helped it along. I’m sure this takes time and work but they are excellent. Just don’t do one one Melusine, ok? I’d hate to see Ned draw pictures of self-flagellation. It wouldn’t be pretty.

  52. Jayne
    Mar 08, 2007 @ 06:04:08

    Kristie – my head’s exploding! KABOOM!!

  53. Jayne
    Mar 08, 2007 @ 06:06:08

    There now. Finally we’re starting to get some comments from readers who liked the book. After all, over 50 of you voted for us to read it so somebody out there must have thought they’d like it.

  54. TeddyPig
    Mar 08, 2007 @ 08:35:28

    [quote comment="24344"]Teddy Pig, you damn tease. I should beat you–oh, wait… ;)[/quote]

    Oh Sarah,

    As a personal Gay Leather author’s reference (Please read this and tell me if it is realistic for Leathermen to do this) I seem to have become…

    Well you know, no names and that sorta stuff.

  55. merle sanderson
    Mar 08, 2007 @ 10:34:27

    HAY ALL THIS ABOUT VAMPIRES. I JUST FINISHED “REAL VAMPIRES HAVE CURVER” AND LAUGHED MY SELF SILLY, IT’S FUNNY ALL THROUGH THE BOOK. BARTLETT’S DID A GREAT JOB ON THIS BOOK. LOVE THOSE VAMPIRES.
    KEEP GLORY GOING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

  56. Nina Bangs
    Mar 08, 2007 @ 12:38:47

    Wow! Loved the video. What a hoot. Unfortunately, I didn’t agree with the sentiment. I enjoyed REAL VAMPIRES HAVE CURVES. I relate to Glory. Does-this-make-me-look-fat has been my lifelong mantra. And if I lived to be a thousand? I’d still be collecting black outfits in a futile attempt to look skinnier. The dog was a winner in my opinion. But this is from someone who puts a talking cat in all of her books. So consider the source. Anyway, I totally loved the lighthearted take on the vampire legend. Yay, Gerry. Looking forward to your next book.

  57. Lucinda Betts
    Mar 08, 2007 @ 14:23:44

    I loved the dog! But of course, I’ve used talking lizards, horses, snakes and coatles in my novels.

    Has anyone told Ned that Glory was fat? His stick figure drawing of her made her look stick thin! What a coincidence! But I suppose we should be grateful he draws at all!

  58. an9ie
    Apr 04, 2007 @ 18:54:55

    Great review! I kind of want to read it now so I know which bad bits the readers are talking about though :p This is the kind of review that really works for me, not at all vague, very candid and funny, and totally honest :)

  59. vintage dress
    Jan 03, 2008 @ 12:20:31

    With the 70s and 80s back in style, I just loving vintage clothing from the thrift shops. You can find designers like Chanel and Armani for cheap there.

  60. SNatalia
    Oct 14, 2008 @ 04:46:09

    I was so disappointed with this book (I know I’m a little late with my comment!!).

    I got a few pages into the story and realised I was bored.

    There are so many Sookie Stackhouse wannabes at the moment, and sadly, the brilliant Sookie is getting swamped in amongst all this poorly-written rubbish. Charlaine Harris stands alone in this genre as a writer worth paying attention to.

    There were entire chapters of mundane conversation, and then suddenly the narrative would jump forward in time. Sex in a book is fine, but the sex in this was just foul – I have no interest in reading entire chapters about oral sex!!

    There was an okay idea here, but it was buried in horrific writing and shocking editing and painfully ‘quirky' characters. And the constant references to pop culture mean the book is already dated.

    This is probably as dreadful as the ‘Undead and Unwed' series, but the writing is even worse.

  61. Jayne
    Oct 14, 2008 @ 05:47:04

    SNatalia, better late than never. You and I are soul mates on this book in particular and vamp books in general. Too many of them and not enough are good. But from what people are saying, lots of readers are getting sick of the “Me too!!” vampire stories. Kind of like SEAL books. Hopefully, we’ll start to see fewer ones published but the ones that are will be better.

  62. Mecca
    Aug 20, 2009 @ 21:54:39

    Telepathic dogs, really? Makes me really happy that I am a REAL vampire…….no, really! lol
    ~Mecca
    The Ruby Kitten Vintage Junket

  63. L.J.
    Oct 26, 2009 @ 11:42:56

    I completely agree with this review. For one, I was so appalled by the writing that it was hard to overlook. It’s just atrocious and I suspect any English-major would think this book trash (sorry, author). I’m not a writer; I’m just a starving artist but I can at least differentiate between good writing and slop. The descriptions of the people, places, things, etc. are poor to say the very least. Another thing that was annoying was how the author keeps going on about “vamp magic.” Ok, ok, ok, enough already! I know it’s supposed to be fantasy, but it was hardly convincing that it was a fantasy book! The plot: nonexistent! I was especially annoyed that the setting is in Austin, TX, precisely where I reside. This book does not justice in describing the city and only mentions perhaps 1 “famous” spot of all the place.

    All in all, I was so thrown off by this book I decided to not finish it. I did get 1/2 way, but only because I’m stubborn and insist on finishing what I start. This was just a total waste of time. Seems to me like this author wanted to ride the Vampire-Craze-Train and hope to make some millions.

  64. Eloi
    Nov 12, 2009 @ 04:46:16

    Finished two of the books in this series – valiantly making my way through the first. I have to say the premise captured my attention – a plus sized vampire trying to make it in the mortal world? Nice deviation from the usual “beautiful mysterious heiress with interestingly pale skin”.

    Sadly, I have to agree with the review and the above comment… the writing isn’t fantastic, and Glory comes off painfully as a Mary-Sue.

    E.g.
    Glory: “How can anyone love me, I have thunder thighs!”
    Blade: “Och lass, I like a woman with real curves!” [Note: The only distinguishing feature the supporting characters have is their "accents"]
    Third party of the month; random (always handsome) vampire: “I like your boobies. Let’s have sex. You know you want me. ” *flexes muscles and winks*
    Mara: “I hate you, Glory. You’re fat. I am plotting to steal Blade away.”

    My point is – why does everyone think she is sexy when she thinks she is not? I mean everyone – I’ve yet to read about a MALE vampire that looked at Glory and didn’t think “Yeah, I’d hit that.”

    Why does she pick up “powers” so quickly? And when she picks up powers that OTHER vampires already have, they praise her to the skies and tell her she’s incredible. Yeah… I get it, Glorianna is a special snowflake who is the ultimate heroine and can vanquish all evil.

    Not that it’d be incredibly hard to do so, anyway. The villains come off as stupid. Technogenius Westwood sends a message that more or less clues the vampires in to the fact that they have a spy in their midst (plus, there was no other point to the message.) Waaaay to stay ahead of your enemies. Might as well set up a website and tell them what you plan to do to them next.

    I think the story has promise but it could have been significantly better written. I’ve not read Twilight, but I would rate “Real Vampires” lower for its painfully laborious prose.

  65. Jayne
    Nov 12, 2009 @ 07:22:24

    How many books are there in this series now? 3? 4?

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