REVIEW: Lust in Uniform by Nicole Allie
Dear Ms. Allie,
I fell victim to a hot cover. Damn me anyway. I saw Lust in Uniform at the bookstore. It looked hot. What can I say, a smoothly muscled chest and forearm and a tattoo. Anyway, I got home and logged on to find the download version and it had a different cover and title. No wonder I never bought it before.
Ugh. Hideous. Worse than hideous. It’s vile.
The story behind the cover isn’t much better. Boothe O’Brien is a Marine. He never has problems getting women. “His usual flavor had big tits, no brains, and would open her legs to the slightest innuendo.” Okay, let’s just stop right there. No wonder Boothe doesn’t have problems getting women – he is actively looking for the kind of girl that ANY man would not have problems convincing them to take home – they open their legs at the slightest innuendo. Is this really the kind of quality guy we want to be a hero – the type that wants a woman with NO brains and NO control over her legs? Okay, sorry, let’s just read on. Oh, wait, before I go on, there is the little issue I have with the first scene where Boothe is having sex with a woman and she passes out. He makes this mental note: “It wasn’t the first time Boothe had made a girl pass out. In fact, this was number fourteen. . . If you were one of the lucky ones whose fucking enjoyment led to a loss of consciounsess, you held a special place in Boothe’s little black book.”
God, again, let me repeat what a quality guy this is. I am on page 8 of 100 pages. I can make it, I tell myself. It’s only 92 more pages. Wait, Page 10, we have this quote “His sex life as going down the tube.” Umm, what about the fact that he just fucked some brainless big titted loose moraled woman into unconsciousness? At least make your dog of a hero consistent.
The real problem isn’t that Boothe is a dog who buys spoons shaped like breasts (and if he could use a computer, I am sure this would be his mouse) but that major scenes are missing. Maybe I should contact Ellora’s Cave to see if my download was corrupt. Is your version 100 pages? You would just skip from scene A to scene D and then I was left to guess at what happened in scenes B & C. For example, scene A is when Roxie, the doormat heroine, walks into a sub shop and Boothe follows her in to have lunch with her. He then offers to drive her home. She puts up the obligatory but fake resistance and then acquiesces. Next scene? Not the drive home. The next scene is Boothe on the phone with Will, a friend, and offering a sub to Nikki, Will’s wife and Roxie’s cousin. No reference to the lunch. or the drive home. The book proceeds like this. Random scene followed by random scene.
Let’s not talk about the legal ramifications of Roxie running off to England with her son. Some states refer to that as parental kidnapping.
I also wondered whether this was actually a story about Nikki and Will (who must have had their own book) because at the quarter mark, nothing is happening between these Boothe and Roxie. For example, on to page 27 where Boothe meets “Spread-eagle Susan” and wonders if fucking her won’t take his mind off Roxie. “Spread-eagle.” OMIGOD. That is so nice. I love it. I hope my nickname is Jerkoff Jane. or Jackoff Jane. Or Jizzum Jane. or Jizz filled Jane. Or. Okay, I digress. Back to the story. Oh no. I should just go back to making up nicknames because you have Susan having an “unclad cunt” and “bare nipples”. Is she wearing clothes? I’ll go back and re-read. Yep, I guess she is. So they leave together before Boothe’s “rage over the situation” forces them into the men’s restroom where Susan of the bare bottom and breasts whispers “we don’t want to rush things.” This is a comedy, right? Because I am now laughing. After Boothe gets off on his blow job, he is not able to pleasure Susan for some reason. I guess the conscience caught up with him AFTER the blowjob but before he can return the favor. Lovely. You are a lovely man, Boothe.
More laughing ensues in the book when Roxie says “I want you to make love to me . . . If you don’t I’m going to burst into flames.” and Boothe responds “Shit fire and save the matches!” What is not hilarious is the fact that Boothe sleeps over and Roxie doesn’t seem to care that Aaron, her son, will find out. They talk about “doing” the nasty in front of Aaron so he charmingly repeats “Boo, you nasty?” to which Boothe replies “Only with your momma, munchkin.” What a tender moment. Yes, I am a prude. I don’t think it’s funny or romantic to have your 2 year old repeating “doing the nasty” back to you.
The rest of the book features uninspired sex between Roxie and Boothe with unintentionally funny commentary and contrived conflict. I was a bit disappointed that Boothe never fucked Roxie into unconsciousness. I guess she doesn’t get a little happy face next to her name in his black book. This book is an F.