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REVIEW: Lust in Uniform by Nicole Allie

Dear Ms. Allie,

Lust in UniformI fell victim to a hot cover. Damn me anyway. I saw Lust in Uniform at the bookstore. It looked hot. What can I say, a smoothly muscled chest and forearm and a tattoo. Anyway, I got home and logged on to find the download version and it had a different cover and title. No wonder I never bought it before.

Ugh. Hideous. Worse than hideous. It’s vile. One of the Few

The story behind the cover isn’t much better. Boothe O’Brien is a Marine. He never has problems getting women. “His usual flavor had big tits, no brains, and would open her legs to the slightest innuendo.” Okay, let’s just stop right there. No wonder Boothe doesn’t have problems getting women – he is actively looking for the kind of girl that ANY man would not have problems convincing them to take home – they open their legs at the slightest innuendo. Is this really the kind of quality guy we want to be a hero – the type that wants a woman with NO brains and NO control over her legs? Okay, sorry, let’s just read on. Oh, wait, before I go on, there is the little issue I have with the first scene where Boothe is having sex with a woman and she passes out. He makes this mental note: “It wasn’t the first time Boothe had made a girl pass out. In fact, this was number fourteen. . . If you were one of the lucky ones whose fucking enjoyment led to a loss of consciounsess, you held a special place in Boothe’s little black book.”

God, again, let me repeat what a quality guy this is. I am on page 8 of 100 pages. I can make it, I tell myself. It’s only 92 more pages. Wait, Page 10, we have this quote “His sex life as going down the tube.” Umm, what about the fact that he just fucked some brainless big titted loose moraled woman into unconsciousness? At least make your dog of a hero consistent.

The real problem isn’t that Boothe is a dog who buys spoons shaped like breasts (and if he could use a computer, I am sure this would be his mouse) but that major scenes are missing. Maybe I should contact Ellora’s Cave to see if my download was corrupt. Is your version 100 pages? You would just skip from scene A to scene D and then I was left to guess at what happened in scenes B & C. For example, scene A is when Roxie, the doormat heroine, walks into a sub shop and Boothe follows her in to have lunch with her. He then offers to drive her home. She puts up the obligatory but fake resistance and then acquiesces. Next scene? Not the drive home. The next scene is Boothe on the phone with Will, a friend, and offering a sub to Nikki, Will’s wife and Roxie’s cousin. No reference to the lunch. or the drive home. The book proceeds like this. Random scene followed by random scene.

Let’s not talk about the legal ramifications of Roxie running off to England with her son. Some states refer to that as parental kidnapping.

I also wondered whether this was actually a story about Nikki and Will (who must have had their own book) because at the quarter mark, nothing is happening between these Boothe and Roxie. For example, on to page 27 where Boothe meets “Spread-eagle Susan” and wonders if fucking her won’t take his mind off Roxie. “Spread-eagle.” OMIGOD. That is so nice. I love it. I hope my nickname is Jerkoff Jane. or Jackoff Jane. Or Jizzum Jane. or Jizz filled Jane. Or. Okay, I digress. Back to the story. Oh no. I should just go back to making up nicknames because you have Susan having an “unclad cunt” and “bare nipples”. Is she wearing clothes? I’ll go back and re-read. Yep, I guess she is. So they leave together before Boothe’s “rage over the situation” forces them into the men’s restroom where Susan of the bare bottom and breasts whispers “we don’t want to rush things.” This is a comedy, right? Because I am now laughing. After Boothe gets off on his blow job, he is not able to pleasure Susan for some reason. I guess the conscience caught up with him AFTER the blowjob but before he can return the favor. Lovely. You are a lovely man, Boothe.

More laughing ensues in the book when Roxie says “I want you to make love to me . . . If you don’t I’m going to burst into flames.” and Boothe responds “Shit fire and save the matches!” What is not hilarious is the fact that Boothe sleeps over and Roxie doesn’t seem to care that Aaron, her son, will find out. They talk about “doing” the nasty in front of Aaron so he charmingly repeats “Boo, you nasty?” to which Boothe replies “Only with your momma, munchkin.” What a tender moment. Yes, I am a prude. I don’t think it’s funny or romantic to have your 2 year old repeating “doing the nasty” back to you.

The rest of the book features uninspired sex between Roxie and Boothe with unintentionally funny commentary and contrived conflict. I was a bit disappointed that Boothe never fucked Roxie into unconsciousness. I guess she doesn’t get a little happy face next to her name in his black book. This book is an F.

Best regards,

Jane

Jane Litte is the founder of Dear Author, a lawyer, and a lover of pencil skirts. She spends her downtime reading romances and writing about them. Her TBR pile is much larger than the one shown in the picture and not as pretty. You can reach Jane by email at jane @ dearauthor dot com

15 Comments

  1. Chelle
    Sep 01, 2006 @ 08:27:32

    I’m tempted to buy this just because it sounds so bad. I’ve got a friend with a birthday coming up soon. Can you hear me explaining my choice of gift to her? LOLOLOLOL! She’d laugh her spleen off, methinks.

    Did the author go all Beavis about the fire and the sex? Sounds like it to me.

    I do have to say that the 2 y/o kid talking about “nasty” is just, well…um, nasty.

    Can I have a slutty name too? Maybe Cootchie Chelle or Coozie Chelle or something like that.

    Nice. Hell, I’m buying it. I need a good laugh!

  2. Jayne
    Sep 01, 2006 @ 08:33:05

    I don’t care if that plastic man is fondling a naked woman, he looks like a gay Village People extra.

  3. Tara Marie
    Sep 01, 2006 @ 08:35:04

    Yikes, an obnoxious sex machine and a door mat, not remotely interested in testing the “can it really be that bad” theory.

    When it comes to kids my prude meter goes way up, that scene would have sent the book flying into the wall.

  4. Emma Sinclair
    Sep 01, 2006 @ 08:49:58

    This was actually one of the very first ebooks I bought.

    I think it’s safe to say that ebook quality as gone WAY up in the last few years!

  5. bam
    Sep 01, 2006 @ 10:30:05

    dude… that review was so awesome. Right on. Why are F-reviews so much funnier than reviews praising the book?

    “Boothe”… somebody watches that show “Bones”.

  6. Dakota Cassidy
    Sep 01, 2006 @ 10:33:04

    I think this was from a mother/daughter writing team and I distinctly remember reviewing it way back when I was a reviewer.

    I also remember everything you pointed out, Jane. Most especially the unconcious boinks :)

    Dakota :)

  7. jmfausti
    Sep 01, 2006 @ 14:00:38

    OMG, This is the best review and letter to an author that I have ever seen!!!!! I laughed so hard, I almost ruined my keyboard with a serious spit take.

  8. Keishon
    Sep 01, 2006 @ 18:02:09

    This was funny. I needed the laugh. Excellent.

  9. Lauren
    Sep 01, 2006 @ 19:37:40

    Wasn’t there a scene where he, uh *thinking of acceptable term here* double dips (as in anal, vaginal) and that’s when the woman passed out? I read this book many years ago so I could be remembering wrong.

    I do think that print cover is a VAST improvement. wow. I totally want that biceps on my cover someday.

  10. Karen Scott
    Sep 01, 2006 @ 20:29:38

    I’ve read this one, and yes, it was an absolute effing abomination. The hero annoyed me no end.

  11. Jay
    Sep 01, 2006 @ 22:02:25

    Again I say, that shit is hilarious.

  12. Leigh Ellwood
    Sep 02, 2006 @ 21:54:25

    Amazon says the book is 200 pages. Are you referring to the download version? I might have seen this at Borders, will have to check.

  13. Jane
    Sep 02, 2006 @ 22:23:24

    [quote comment="3649"]Amazon says the book is 200 pages. Are you referring to the download version? I might have seen this at Borders, will have to check.[/quote]

    I saw the book at Waldens but bought the downloaded version because it was a) cheaper and b) I always try to buy in ebook format. The page reference was a bit tongue in cheek. It was 100 pages on my laptop using ubook reader.

  14. Avianna
    Aug 05, 2007 @ 10:23:48

    Great review of a book that obviously reeks. I love hot military romances and I am sooo glad I read your review before wasting my money.

  15. Avianna
    Aug 05, 2007 @ 10:26:00

    Great site. So glad I read your review before wasting my money on a book that reeks.

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