Mar 31 2007
Dear Ms Kelly,
I’m not a gamer so I’m sure I probably missed some “insider” stuff while reading your latest book but I had a great time laughing my ass off through the rest of it. And I’ve got to admire the chutzpah of having Princess Zara have you as her favorite author.
Poor Princess Zara. She’s got to be the horniest pixilated character in game land. And she’s gonna stay that way, courtesy of the Great Programmers until her hero, Sir Lincoln of Green fights his way to the highest level of the game. What game you ask? Only the best game on sale today, that’s what.
The Mythical Quest for the Illusion of Zara.
Millions had bought the game, millions were playing it even now. But as of yet, nobody&emdash; not one frickin' nimble-fingered mortal twit&emdash;had managed to reach the final level.
Zara glanced automatically at the large LCD screen adorning one wall of her chamber in the Tower of Chaos. The bar up one side was still green, not even approaching the yellow level. The final red bits at the top were distressingly dark.
She knew that once the red bars lit up, so would she. They indicated a player had managed to navigate her hero, the aforementioned Sir Lincoln of Green, over the Mountains of Doom, through the Tunnels of Treachery, beneath the surface in the Sewers of Slime (not forgetting to collect extra bottles of life potion while he was there), past the Forest of Forsythia, across the impossibly dangerous Seas of Evil, and was at last approaching the ultimate battle with Noxious, the fume-laden, acid-spewing, five-headed ferret who guarded the Tower.
If Sir Lincoln managed to defeat that beast, he got to her&emdash;and her endless days of frustration would end. Of course, the triumphant player wouldn't know Sir Lincoln was fucking her brains out in the Tower room, but she sure as hell would.
There was a shitload of stuff that humans didn't know about the video world she ruled. Probably would have made 'em wet their panties if they'd had the first clue too.
I’m telling you Sahara, you came so close to getting an A grade for this one. Why did I get mean and drop the grade? Well, if only Sir Lincoln hadn’t gotten his rocks off (even if he was still wearing his obnoxious green tights) in the Seas of Evil while poor Zara was still under the spell (curse?) of the magical chastity belt which prevented any of the agents sent to ease her suffering from actually easing her frustrated suffering. Hey, if the girl can’t get any then the boy shouldn’t either. Or “point” as Zara said herself. Still, watching the depressed blue elf, the twin brothers from California and Japan, plus the gay vampire fighter try to bring Zara some relief while she waited in the Tower for someone to finally get her hero to her was priceless. Equally funny were the scenes of Sir Lincoln discovering just exactly how he had to persuade the fairy then the mermaid into giving him extra bottles of potion to replenish his life bar. At least those girls got satisfied even if all Sir Lincoln got was potion and a pair of tights that needed to be let out.
I did catch the reference to your writing partner but were there mentions of other authors I missed? And on the cover…is that the Magic Sword or is Sir Lincoln just really glad to see Zara? B+