Jun 21 2006
Dear Ms. Keaton:
I bought this book on the day that Cobblestone Press opened. I bought it because of the cover and because firefighters are hot, hot, hot. What could be better than a hot story about a hot fireman? Other than the obvious of the two hot fireman in a hot story or perhaps two hot aliens with four dicks. (God, Bam, that is the funniest review ever).
Five Alarm Fire features Gracie, a schoolteacher, and Steve, a fireman, who share a duplex. Gracie has had the hots for Steve forever. Unfortunately Steve was engaged to be married. This doesn’t prevent Gracie from having hot fantasies starring Steve in various stages of undress and in various positions of sex. Fortunately for Gracie, Steve’s fiance decides she can’t marry a fireman. Steve looks to Gracie for some physical comfort, recalling an event which took place a year earlier in which he caught Gracie watching him and his fiance have sex.
Steve encourages Gracie to masturbate and has his fiance deep throat him, all the while staring at Gracie while she masturbates. This painted Steve as a real asshole, in my opinion. Here is a guy who is engaged to be married, who is engaging in backyard sex with his fiance, sees Gracie getting off on watching the two of them and then forces his fiance to get off his dick and go suck it so he can better watch Gracie masturbate.
Why Gracie thinks that Steve is a winner, I’ll never know. At first, Gracie tells us and Steve that she is looking for no-strings-attached sex partner but not a day later, she internally monologues about how much she loves Steve. I could believe that Gracie was totally hot for this guy but not that she was in love with him. Or if she is in love with him, then I feel sorry for her because one day she’s going to be the one giving him head while he stares at another woman fingering herself off.
And the book opens with the fiance leaving Steve and Steve having feelings for Gracie not a DAY later. That’s believable? Or meaningful? I didn’t find it so. If it had just been about Steve and Gracie having hot sex and the possibility of a future together, this wouldn’t have been so bad. Once you started making the two characters say that they had deep feelings for each other, one day after screwing, the story slides into unbelievable melodrama.
What is worse is that Steve all of a sudden starts sounding like a woman. He buys flowers for Gracie and the note accompanying the flowers is signed “XOXO Steve.” Are Steve and Gracie in third grade? Because I can only see a third grade boy signing his notes like that, if any boy ever would sign his notes like that.
This book was a D for me. I could barely bring myself to finish the book and was eternally grateful for its short length.