Romance, Historical, Contemporary, Paranormal, Young Adult, Book reviews, industry news, and commentary from a reader's point of view

REVIEW: One + One = Three by Sasha James

One + One = ThreeDear St. Martin’s Press:

I am writing this letter to you because I have a serious beef with this book and I don’t think its appropriate to direct my ire toward her, but rather you. You are the company that purchased this book and then released it at a cost of $13.99 on the unsuspecting public. I say unsuspecting because there is not an excerpt to be found on the web.

I have suspicions that the lack of excerpt is due to the fact that if one were provided, it would deter sales. One + One = Three is written as if it were a primary school handbook. The story is told in short three to five page chapters written in a dry biographical manner (which is kind of insulting to biographies). Former supermodel Munro opens a bar/lounge, has sex with two super hot, rich guys, and gets threatened in her bar by someone who has it in for Munro.

This ultimately leads to a) the most boring book written, b) the most conflictless book ever written, c) the most shallow characters ever profiled and d) the most unengaging sex I’ve read in a long, long time.

She reached out and pulled him by the tie, which he still had on, along with his shirt. Once their groins made contact, they began grinding in their underwear. She knew that Rock liked to mix things up.

She was enjoying his sensuous approach, and wrapped one leg around his butt, so that his cock was right in the middle of her punanny. They moved in slow motion, feeling each other up, until she could feel him getting harder and harder with each gyration. “Oh, Rock, Baby, your dick feels so good,” she moaned with her eyes closed.

I know that this sounds a bit hyperbolic and I am sure in the annals of publishing history, there are books that are worse.   However, if you are going to be tossing around this book and this author as exemplifying the type of erotic romance you guys are putting out, then it should be good, if not damn good.

Munro is a super model who typifies every stereotype of models sans the drug addiction.   She’s stupid.   For example, she’s nearing thirty and decides to get out of the modeling business and decides to pour all her money into a lounge (she refuses to call it a bar). She does not stint on any luxury. Even her “throne”, as she calls it, ( a booth set up in the back and raised on a platform) is made out of the same leather of Prada handbags.

Speaking of Prada, every chapter includes some random brand name reference. Don’t set up a drinking game for this because by chapter 10, you’ll be soused.

Back to our intrepid “heroine”. So she’s stupid. But she’s also shallow. For example, she hires a hostess who is pretty but a dime a dozen because her bookkeeper is too ugly for the front of house.

She’s deceptive. When her purported best female friend wants to be hooked up with Munro’s friend Rock, Munro does not tell her BFF that Rock and Munro are seeing each other. Instead she says Rock has just broken up with someone and, hey if he were really into you, he would have asked you out.   That’s harsh but Munro doesn’t really care because Munro is all about herself.

Which is good that Munro has two men who love “polyamory”.   In case you didn’t know what that was, the author provides a detailed explanation from several characters. Some of them claim to be in into the polyamorist lifestyle, but in truth, it’s all window dressing.   Also, just because Munro may have had a threesome, she is not gay, folks.   The book is insulting and boring.

“No, I’m not gay.” Munro had had threesomes with another model a few times while in Paris, but she didn’t consider herself gay, especially since she and the other woman never even touched.

Then let’s take a look at Dirk and Rock.   I mean, come on. What is with those names? Are you punking us?

Anyways, Dirk and Rock could be Dirt and Rock for all the interest they provide to the reader.   Here’s a little example:

Dirk’s father lived vicariously through his son. Having married so young, his dad never got the chance to have a carefree life. As a result, he encouraged his son to have as much fun as possible before settling down with one woman.

His father was also an excellent soccer player and taught his skills to his son. Dirk excelled in athletics as well as academics, and was offered a scholarship to Rutgers University. He majored in finance and went on to get his MBA at NYU. After grad school, he worked on Wall Street at a few top-notch firms. Dirk was smart and savvy, and it didn’t take long for him to amass an impressive client list, along with an impressive bank account. Dirk excelled so quickly that he soon reached the “glass ceiling.” Frustrated at the lack of further advancement, he and a couple of his college buddies decided to branch out on their own. BLAC was a small, but powerful, private equity firm, and before long they had billions of dollars under management.

Yes, Dirk’s daddy gets his rocks off whenever Dirk is out shagging some chick.   Maybe that’s supposed to be some kink.   Actually, it would be more interesting if it was Dirk and his dad polyamorying their way through Manhattan.   Gross, but more interesting.

Speaking of interesting, while I love a good word game, reading five pages of the characters playing Scrabble for no reason is beyond dull.   I don’t care which Scrabble dictionary the damn characters are using unless it is going to be used to kill one another (preferably Munro). Also, scenes that take up three pages of a non essential character interviewing women to be her assistant is not even filler. You might as well have just typed a;sdfj;alksdj;flaksfj;lksj;dol on three pages and it would have had the same meaning.

What can I say? I’m not your usual type of girl.” Munro sat down, and picked up the Scrabble game. “Hmm, I see somebody’s cruising for a beating.”
“No, no, no. It’s more like somebody’s gonna get beat. Remember the last time we played? I won by three hundred points,” he said, bragging.
“Yeah, yeah, whatever!” She rolled her eyes. “Well, bring it on, ’cause I want a rematch. And I guarantee you this, you’re not winning tonight!”
Rock poured a glass of wine and handed it to her. “You know, Munro, it’s not wise to make promises you can’t keep!”
“Okay, Mr. Braggadocio, don’t get too cocky. Order my food, and let’s commence playing so I can kick your butt,” she said, taking a sip of wine.
Rock ordered the pizza, and set up the game. “Which dictionary do you want to use for challenges?” he asked.
“Webster’s is good, unless you’ve gotten geeky on me and bought one of those Scrabble dictionaries,” Munro teased.
“And what’s geeky about a Scrabble dictionary?” he asked, producing the specialized dictionary.

So we have a heroine who is stupid and shallow.   Two male leads that are less interesting than two day old bread.   Is it any wonder that the reader’s pulse is barely moving at this point?   What could possibly spice up this story? Can it be saved by the sex? The polyamorous sex?   Sadly, it cannot.   Because the sex scenes consist of unzipping the clothes, underwear grinding and the cries of “III’M CUMMMMMMMMING.”

“Take … all … of. . . this . . . dick,” he said, in between thrusts.

“Give it to me,” she moaned back.

They each gave as good as they got, bucking back and forth like two prized steers.

“Oh yes, yes, yes, YES!” Munro screamed on the verge of cumming.

“That’s it, Baby. Let’s cum together!” After a few more heated moves, they exploded simultaneously.

Note to the author. Your characters are from Michigan farming communities. One would think that they would know that steers are castrated and incapable of CUMMING let alone CUMMING together by ramming their pelvises against each other.

He kissed her forehead. “I want to make you cum.” Rock increased the pressure until she started squirming and moving her head back and forth. Her movements told him that he was doing the job. “Come on, Baby, don’t hold back.”

“Ohhh. Ohhh Yeah!!” she moaned. After a few more deliberate rubs, she was ready to climax. Munro yelled out, “III’M CUMMMMMING!”

Once she came, Rock climbed on top of her and slowly eased inside her cum-coated opening. Her pussy was so warm and moist that he almost came prematurely, but he fought the urge and continued humping.

(no, that was not me making a mistake about the number of I‘s or M‘s.)   Another note to the author, “humping” and “grinding” are often not considered sexy words. Ever.   Even inside a cum-coated opening.

Here’s the conclusion I’ve drawn. You don’t think that readers who read erotic romance either like romance or sex. We readers deserve better than this. F

Best regards,

Jane

This book can be purchased at Amazon or in ebook format from Sony or other etailers.

Jane Litte is the founder of Dear Author, a lawyer, and a lover of pencil skirts. She spends her downtime reading romances and writing about them. Her TBR pile is much larger than the one shown in the picture and not as pretty. You can reach Jane by email at jane @ dearauthor dot com

91 Comments

  1. KeriM
    Aug 20, 2009 @ 14:57:05

    Huhhh, wow…..just wow. Words fail me.

  2. Lori S.
    Aug 20, 2009 @ 15:06:58

    I’m sorry, my eyes glazed over at “punanny.”

  3. Rhonni
    Aug 20, 2009 @ 15:08:51

    While I’ve often said I could read anything and enjoy it … I lied.

    I love a woman that can give an F review with valid reasons. Thank you for saving me from wasting my time with this book. It’s exactly the type of book I’d have picked up at the bookswap, and I’d have bitched the entire time I was reading it.

    Too bad there wasn’t enough suspense in the story line to allow us to hope for the demise of the TSTL heroine. Maybe the Scrabble game was supposed to be the suspenseful part, as we wondered whether or not she could spell her way out of a box?

  4. JenD
    Aug 20, 2009 @ 15:10:55

    III’M GRRROOOOAAAANNNINNG!!!!

    Books like this are why I’ve now stopped trying to read erotic romance. I have horrible luck and always end up with crap.

  5. JJ
    Aug 20, 2009 @ 15:27:52

    Boy am I glad I didn’t spend money on this book. When the name Sasha James was listed in Laura Bradford’s speech, I tried to find more about her. She doesn’t have a website. All I could find is BN.com says she has an alter ego known for her erotica. I’d really like to know who the alter ego is.

  6. kaigou
    Aug 20, 2009 @ 15:32:05

    Oooookay. I was wincing by the second excerpt, cringing by the fourth. Good golly. For the Also, just because Munro may have had a threesome, she is not gay, folks. alone, the book should be shelved in the circular file and the author whacked. That’s just uncool, unless the intention is to make the character appear totally uncool and moronic, in which case, way to go!

    Also:

    Dear Jane:
    I love you. Never ever stop.
    – Me

  7. Zoe Archer
    Aug 20, 2009 @ 15:38:02

    Does this mean it isn’t showing up again at #romfail? If so, I can’t decide if I haz a sad or a happy.

  8. HK
    Aug 20, 2009 @ 15:49:13

    I usually lurk, but this review had me laughing so hard I upset the dog. Good thing the kids aren’t home yet.

    Thanks for making me laugh. I’m sorry you had to read that, but I know I’ll have the giggles all day from the memory.

    Random giggles from person next to you in line? They read this review.

    :)

  9. anon
    Aug 20, 2009 @ 15:50:58

    A reputable publisher. Damn. That is too depressing to live.

    Jane, I’m in awe that you read that garbage. I couldn’t have.
    Thank you.

  10. Christine Rimmer
    Aug 20, 2009 @ 15:55:50

    This is the funniest review I ever read. I don’t know if it’s the excerpts or your comments, Jane. Since the book was probably not written as a comedy, that the excerpts are so funny is maybe not such a good thing. But I’m still laughing. I suppose I wouldn’t be if I’d put down actual money for this book, however…

  11. Kalen Hughes
    Aug 20, 2009 @ 16:01:48

    grammar problems + info dumping = fail

  12. Sandy James
    Aug 20, 2009 @ 16:05:54

    Please make special note that the author is Sasha James not Sandy James. I sure don’t want someone to think I wrote that book!!

  13. Midknyt
    Aug 20, 2009 @ 16:08:06

    I don’t think I would have gotten past the punanny, personally. Really?

    Also, that’s not even remotely what a “glass ceiling” is, unless I’ve missed there being a bunch of discrimination on Wall Street against white upper-class men?

    I’m impressed you finished it…or made it past three pages.

  14. DS
    Aug 20, 2009 @ 16:15:05

    I had to look. Harriet Klausner liked it.

  15. AnotherLori
    Aug 20, 2009 @ 16:20:52

    by DS August 20th, 2009 at 4:15 pm
    I had to look. Harriet Klausner liked it.

    LMAO!!!!!!

  16. Kalen Hughes
    Aug 20, 2009 @ 16:30:30

    Also, that's not even remotely what a “glass ceiling” is, unless I've missed there being a bunch of discrimination on Wall Street against white upper-class men?

    Going out a limb here, but I think he’s AA (going by the guy on the cover, the glass ceiling issue, and the fact that he named his firm BLAC). I could be wrong though. *shrug*

    Going out on another limb here: Does anyone else think this reads like it’s written by a man? The overall lack of evocative description in the sex scenes simply doesn't strike me as the kind of thing that a woman (at least one even vaguely connected with and to the erotic romance community) would write.

  17. Stevie
    Aug 20, 2009 @ 16:31:05

    Jane,

    Reading past page 3 was above and beyond the call of duty; we salute you!

    And may I suggest that DA needs a grade worse than F?

  18. KarLynP
    Aug 20, 2009 @ 16:42:16

    Wow, and to think I had this one on my ‘wishlist’ based on the cover art alone. DELEATE.

    Kalen – Funny you should mention that it may be written by a man, as I was thinking the same thing. Regardless, the exerpts read like crappy, cheap porn instead of sensual erotica. No thanks.

  19. KarLynP
    Aug 20, 2009 @ 16:45:04

    Looks like the publishers really liked this author as he/she has another book coming out next year titled ‘Two + One’.

  20. Stevie
    Aug 20, 2009 @ 16:58:53

    Kalen

    LKH has written similar stuff, so I don’t think we can assume it’s down to the chromosomes.

    A pity, really…

  21. Bev Stephans
    Aug 20, 2009 @ 17:08:34

    Jane, by any chance are you related to Doc Turtle? Your review was as funny as his have been on SBTB.

    I too, had to look on Amazon to see if there were any ratings. One five star by Harriet Klausner. Imagine my surprise.

  22. maddie
    Aug 20, 2009 @ 17:16:40

    Who in the world says punnany for one? With names like Dirt and Rock my mind jumped to Dick and Rod and from all that grinding in the underwear I hope they have a 24/7 CVS to run to for some type of ointment for the rash they will likely be getting.

    Thanks for the laughs Jane !!

  23. Lynz
    Aug 20, 2009 @ 17:20:40

    I'm sorry, my eyes glazed over at “punanny.”

    This.

  24. Missy Ann
    Aug 20, 2009 @ 17:31:44

    1. Punanny. If you are getting your synonyms from the Urban Dictionary you are doing it wrong.

    2. Dirk & Rock eh? Dangerously close to Dirk Diggler who plays Brock Landers in Boogie Nights. Look it up.

  25. Samantha
    Aug 20, 2009 @ 17:48:40

    Thank you for taking one for the team. I don’t think I could have handled forking over more wasted money to SMP.

  26. ASable
    Aug 20, 2009 @ 17:52:12

    Oh. My. God.

  27. Popin
    Aug 20, 2009 @ 17:53:00

    Wow…a punanny? Really?

  28. T. Elle Harrison
    Aug 20, 2009 @ 18:08:32

    Did I seriously just read ‘they continued humping’ in a published book? Wow…speechless.

  29. AnotherLori
    Aug 20, 2009 @ 18:11:45

    Once their groins made contact, they began grinding in their underwear.

    They ground together like hamburger and bread crumbs seeking to cojoin as meatloaf.

  30. Jenn
    Aug 20, 2009 @ 18:34:02

    … I thought this was a Ravenous Romance review at first…

    I’m disappointed it’s not :(

  31. Mary G
    Aug 20, 2009 @ 18:42:37

    I usually feel sympathy for bad reviews – not this time.
    Good point on the absent excerpts.

  32. Rose Lerner
    Aug 20, 2009 @ 18:50:19

    I am DYING laughing. Also, way to misuse “glass ceiling” in a pretty offensive manner!

  33. Shannon Stacey
    Aug 20, 2009 @ 18:51:23

    All caps aren’t used for emphasis in dialogue. That’s reserved for losing one’s shit on the internet.

  34. lisa
    Aug 20, 2009 @ 18:57:51

    Isn’t Sasha James a pen for another author? I could be wrong but I think I read that somewhere

  35. Elaine C.
    Aug 20, 2009 @ 18:59:50

    Wow . . just shocked that this was released at all! I am laughing at your review Jane. . . thanks for making me spit my ice tea on the floor.

    Punanny . . .seriously????

  36. marniecolette
    Aug 20, 2009 @ 19:45:59

    Punanny- I had to google that. Who thinks like that?

  37. Jane
    Aug 20, 2009 @ 19:47:20

    @lisa – yes, she is purportedly an erotica author of some acclaim, but srsly, erotica has to be better than the grinding of the underwear and the cries of III’M CUMMMMING, no?

  38. Jane
    Aug 20, 2009 @ 19:48:06

    @Rose – do you think this is a lost script of some porno?

  39. Jane
    Aug 20, 2009 @ 19:49:09

    @Samantha – like the previous commenter, I was interested in seeing what SMP thought was good erotic romance based on the report from Laura Bradford. Poor agents, looking at this and wondering why their clients aren’t selling.

  40. Jane
    Aug 20, 2009 @ 19:50:06

    @Stevie – I said on twitter that it is books like these that give people like me the false impression that we, too, could be published authors.

  41. Jane
    Aug 20, 2009 @ 19:51:08

    @KalenHughes, you are right that the characters are multi cultural. Dirk’s family came from somewhere but settled in NY. (I want to say France, but I know that’s not right). Munro is described as a little bit of everything.

  42. Jane
    Aug 20, 2009 @ 19:52:02

    @AnotherLori – but if you look at Barnes and Noble, Harriett only gives it 4 stars there. Maybe she had an attack of conscience?

  43. katiebabs
    Aug 20, 2009 @ 19:54:33

    Lots of excitement with the cumming in this one.

  44. Moriah Jovan
    Aug 20, 2009 @ 20:00:18

    Now I’m wondering if she’ll be cummin’ around that mountain when she cums…

    (Don’t hit me.)

  45. Ann Bruce
    Aug 20, 2009 @ 20:28:11

    The fornication–sorry, the word sex doesn’t work here–scenes remind me of Jamaica Layne’s writing: about as evocative as reading a tome on tax accounting. However, at least with the tax accounting book, I would learn something.

    And the use of cum as something other than the Latin conjunction deserves an automatic fail from me.

  46. Kelly
    Aug 20, 2009 @ 20:53:26

    Wow. Someone actually used “punanny” in written fiction? Dirk’s backstory reads like a bio he’d write for the brochure thingy at a business networking conference. And “I’m CUMMMING” is straight out of the bad fanfic at WeepingCock. What a mess!

  47. Lorraine
    Aug 20, 2009 @ 21:07:24

    What is a punanny? Is it a made up word? I checked my dictionary, which is over 2600 pages and it’s not there. In all of my years reading I’ve never come across the word *down on my knees thanking God for small favors*.

    I can’t believe SMP put this out. It’s seems, at best, self published.

  48. dillene
    Aug 20, 2009 @ 21:20:42

    The word cum always makes me think of the old English poem Sumer is a-cuming in.

    Also, the author fails at math.

  49. Lori S.
    Aug 20, 2009 @ 21:30:58

  50. Anonymous Author
    Aug 20, 2009 @ 21:41:13

    Poor agents, looking at this and wondering why their clients aren't selling.

    I have a proposal on exclusive at SMP right now. At least now if it’s rejected, I’ll feel I have an excuse: it’s not BAD enough.

  51. Blanche
    Aug 20, 2009 @ 22:30:34

    I had this on my TBB list……….taking it off now!

  52. Kaetrin
    Aug 20, 2009 @ 23:36:27

    Gack.

    Thanks for taking one for the team Jane.

    I really thought better of SMP….

  53. SandyW
    Aug 20, 2009 @ 23:43:40

    Let's just say I tend to associate the word ‘cum' with bad porn and Penthouse letters.

  54. Elizabeth
    Aug 21, 2009 @ 00:13:47

    Gosh, I used to write sex scenes like that… when I was 14! Good grief.

  55. Jamie
    Aug 21, 2009 @ 00:22:48

    Oh, God. Thank you! I’ve never even had sex (never even been kissed for that matter), so I was worried that my sex scenes would come off stiff and mechanical. But after reading this and seeing it got published, I feel much better about my own sex scene writing. Seriously, I’ve read better in fanfiction. In fact, though, this reads a LOT like any boring, mechanical sex scene you will find in the lower (hell, and middle) ends of the fanfiction scale. Maybe it’s a promoted fanbrat? Because, other than that, I have no explanation.

  56. Fionn J
    Aug 21, 2009 @ 01:01:53

    Wowza. Punanny. Really?

    ROFLMAO.

  57. catie james
    Aug 21, 2009 @ 02:01:50

    Day-um! That was painful. If I didn’t know better I’d say this novel was dictated by Dr. Oz, ’cause whomever wrote it doesn’t know chit about enticing and engaging their readers.

  58. Emma Wayne Porter
    Aug 21, 2009 @ 02:06:45

    @Moriah Jovan:

    …can’t….breathe

  59. medumb
    Aug 21, 2009 @ 02:19:53

    OMFG Did you actually finish this book?
    I soo bow down to you.

    It certainly reads like poor fanfiction. And am dead curious about the publishing background on the author. literotica?
    Am just in complete shock that SMP would put this out. Kudos for addressing it to SMP this is truly a WTFery for them.

  60. Sam DG
    Aug 21, 2009 @ 02:27:02

    Dirk's backstory reads like a bio he'd write for the brochure thingy at a business networking conference.

    Or a resume he wrote while applying to be on I Love New York.

    Reading this book might actually be as bad as watching that show, now that I think about it.

    *shudder*

  61. Terry Odell
    Aug 21, 2009 @ 06:35:51

    Shows how out of it I am — I’ve always gone with the assumption that in this context, ‘cum’ is a noun, and ‘come’ is the verb.

    I suppose language is ever-changing. But it would have thrown me out of the book, which I’ll never read. And I’m feeling better about a rejection from St. Martin’s.

  62. Jen
    Aug 21, 2009 @ 07:27:21

    @Jane: If this was the lost script of some porno, imagine how bad it had to be to include a lengthy boring Scrabble scene.

    Thank you for reading this so the rest of us don’t have to!

  63. HeatherK
    Aug 21, 2009 @ 07:29:45

    I had to show this review to my husband. He read the first excerpt, rolled his eyes and mumbled something about the total garbage that gets printed/published, only he didn’t use the word garbage.

    The title alone would have made me NOT pick up the book. It just doesn’t make any sense to me. And the excerpts? I’m speechless, really I am. It is, however, funny that the husband had never heard the term “punanny” and I have. Dang, I feel dirty just typing that word. What made the author think that term would be romantic?

    Nothing romantic about this book, as far as the excerpts go. I think the only good thing this book has going for it is the cover, and that’s just sad. It’s definitely a WTF were they thinking as far as the publisher is concerned.

  64. Jackie Barbosa
    Aug 21, 2009 @ 07:59:38

    I am suddenly burning to know whether the word “punanny” is in the Scrabble dictionary they were using…

  65. Anon76
    Aug 21, 2009 @ 08:34:11

    Wow!

    Dear SMP: What were you thinking? And a second book? REALLY?

    The horribly sad part is, this book will reach many more readers than the stories written by authors who are actually good at this stuff because of SMP’s higher distribution channels. I cringe to think that readers new to the genre will find this and believe it is an accurate representation of it.

    And the profile for the author states something along the lines of: she is a prolific writer (god, no please) and paints wonderful pictures with her words. Say what?

  66. Ann Bruce
    Aug 21, 2009 @ 09:06:08

    @Terry Odell: In this case language didn’t change; it got bastardized. Cum has always been and is a Latin conjunction meaning with or together with (e.g. magna cum laude). Then someone came along, didn’t know how to spell the word come in a sexual context, couldn’t be bothered to check the OED, and decided to sound it out. Some guy found my rant on Come vs Cum on my blog and took credit for not being able to spell a four-letter word. He was actually proud of bastardizing the English language.

  67. Robin L. Rotham
    Aug 21, 2009 @ 09:13:10

    If I ever decide to write straight-up porn, I’m going to use the pen name Punanny Cumming in honor of this review.

  68. Jill Sorenson
    Aug 21, 2009 @ 09:19:12

    If I ever decide to write straight-up porn, I'm going to use the pen name Punanny Cumming in honor of this review

    ROFL

  69. Terry Odell
    Aug 21, 2009 @ 09:36:05

    In this case language didn't change; it got bastardized. Cum has always been and is a Latin conjunction meaning with or together with (e.g. magna cum laude).

    And that’s actually the meaning of the word that comes to mind first. (I can see it on my college diploma.) But change often begins with bastardization, I think. I was hoping that someone else would have said something about the noun/verb thing, but because they didn’t I presumed that perhaps the variation is already acceptable. I’m seeing too many usages of “alright’, which when I was in school, was definitely Verboten.

  70. Maili
    Aug 21, 2009 @ 09:43:38

    @ Lorraine

    The usual spelling of “punanny” is punani or punany.

    punani (also punany) • noun black slang the female genitals. • [mass noun] women regarded sexually.- ORIGIN 1980s: origin uncertain.
    (from a press release (in PDF) at http://www.askoxford.com/pressroom/archive/odenewwords)

  71. Kalen Hughes
    Aug 21, 2009 @ 10:32:41

    If I ever decide to write straight-up porn, I'm going to use the pen name Punanny Cumming in honor of this review.

    And now all I can picture is Alan Cumming rolling around in a bed, playing to the camera and saying I’m Cumming; are you? . I was shuddering and laughing at the same time. Genesis!!! But I'm guessing that “Cumming The Fragrance”, didn't get a product placement in the book, and that's really too bad. It would have been perfect, LOL!

  72. Stevie
    Aug 21, 2009 @ 11:21:25

    Jane

    When your hands have stopped shaking you might like to look at the Black Lace submission guidelines, for onward transmission to SMP; clearly the editors there are in dire need of some professional input on what standard female erotica is supposed to achieve in order to be publishable…

    http://nt6744.vs.netbenefit.co.uk/guidelines.html

  73. Susan/DC
    Aug 21, 2009 @ 11:24:08

    The cover certainly indicates what kind of book it is, but otherwise I’d have thought the title better fitted for a category, where 1 Hero (usually Texan/sheikh/billionaire) + 1 Heroine (usually secretary/virgin) = Baby.

  74. vanessa jaye
    Aug 21, 2009 @ 11:25:09

    Re punani: it’s a Caribbean/Jamaican slang/term that’s been around for ages (as in grandma would've used the word).

    Not a particularly polite term, but not particularly offensive either. More equal to ‘damn’ than to ‘f*ck’. In my mind it literally translated to ‘crotch’, unless a man said it to a woman and then it translated to a slightly less lewd version of p*ssy. Regardless, it certainly isn't’ a romantic/sensual word.

    I personally wouldn’t use it in a sex scene unless one of the characters was of Caribbean descent/heritage and it was a fairly raw–more sexual than emotional–scene. Which might have been what this author was going for… mebbe.. but failed in execution (definitely).

  75. Amber Scott
    Aug 21, 2009 @ 11:40:00

    I find it so refreshing that you are so honest and so freaking funny. I agree, this looks like a bad 70’s porn script.

  76. K. Z. Snow
    Aug 21, 2009 @ 11:54:50

    What the bloody hell is a “punanny”? Is that what one calls a nanny who’s an inveterate punster? Then what’s she doing between the heroine’s legs? Trying to intercept the hero’s dick and get some jollies before she toddles off to tuck the kids into bed?

    I’m hung up on this right now, but I’ll get back to the review in a minute. Promise.

    P.S. People better stop dissin’ on e-books.

  77. Randi
    Aug 21, 2009 @ 11:57:14

    I see Sasha James winning the Bad Sex in Fiction Award!

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Literary_Review

  78. Kalen Hughes
    Aug 21, 2009 @ 12:12:57

    <

    P.S. People better stop dissin' on e-books.

    This book clearly proves that NY has nothing on Ravenous Romance . . . I just can't believe that SMP put this out. *shakes head*

  79. SonomaLass
    Aug 21, 2009 @ 13:11:40

    @Randi: I hadn’t heard of the Bad Sex In Fiction award. What a great idea! I wonder if they take nominations….

  80. me
    Aug 21, 2009 @ 13:12:58

    I have a proposal on exclusive at SMP right now. At least now if it's rejected, I'll feel I have an excuse: it's not BAD enough.

    funny and yet, true……

  81. Masha
    Aug 21, 2009 @ 15:12:39

    I have suspicions that the lack of excerpt is due to the fact that if one were provided, it would deter sales.

    SMP did, however, provide a biography, which they apparently couldn’t be bothered to edit. Here’s the expanded one at B&N:

    Sasha James is a prolific writer, who paints pictures with her words. She's also the alter ego of a noted novelist known for her erotica. Previously, she has penned four steamy novels, and is hard at work on the fifth. Sasha divides her time between New York, and Chicago.

    I know it’s the author’s job to submit this and most readers will skip over it, but surely it’s in SMP’s interest to make SJ look good?

  82. Lorraine
    Aug 21, 2009 @ 20:41:07

    Thanks @Lori and @Maili for the link on the definition of punanny. If she wanted to say pussy, why didn’t she just say pussy?

    by Robin L. Rotham August 21st, 2009 at 9:13 am
    If I ever decide to write straight-up porn, I'm going to use the pen name Punanny Cumming in honor of this review.

    LMAO…that’s hysterical.

  83. Gillian
    Aug 22, 2009 @ 05:54:01

    She's also the alter ego of a noted novelist known for her erotica. Previously, she has penned four steamy novels, and is hard at work on the fifth.

    If she’s a noted erotica novelist, why not tell us her “noted” name? I understand why she couldn’t publish under that name (conflicting contracts), but is there any reason why they wouldn’t publicize her noted name? Esp in her bio. Weird!

  84. Grace
    Aug 22, 2009 @ 07:39:22

    And the use of cum as something other than the Latin conjunction deserves an automatic fail from me.

    Thank you, Ann Bruce!

    I think I used this a couple of times in books to follow what looked like standard usage, then abandoned it as it makes no sense in a sex scene when translated.

    I can still read through a book that uses it, but I wince every time.

  85. Hortense Powdermaker
    Aug 22, 2009 @ 10:50:08

    The word cum always makes me think of the old English poem Sumer is a-cuming in.

    Same here! In fact, it occurs to me that one could turn that old middle English poem into something St. Martin’s would publish, what with lines like “lewd sing cock you” and “now swipe the navel nude” (translation: don’t ever stop now!)

    Sadly, they probably wouldn’t go for it, since poetry doesn’t sell so hot.

  86. Julia Sullivan
    Aug 22, 2009 @ 13:32:08

    Punani is the Hawai’ian word for “vulva” (coming from the Hawai’ian word “puanani”, which is a very Georgia O’Keeffe-style orchid). Somehow it became a weirdly skeezy English-language slang term.

    I think this is a pseudonym for the author also known as Jamaica Layne, what with the instant orgasms from a couple of thrusts, the…er…unique prose stylings, and the “New York and Chicago” business.

    Are there any disappointed queebing sounds?

  87. Anon Y Mouse
    Aug 22, 2009 @ 18:47:11

    I think this is a pseudonym for the author also known as Jamaica Layne, what with the instant orgasms from a couple of thrusts, the…er…unique prose stylings, and the “New York and Chicago” business.

    Seconded. That was my very first thought. I’d lay money that it’s she of the time-traveling urinal.

  88. Katie
    Aug 22, 2009 @ 19:37:37

    @Julia Sullivan: That is exactly what I thought when I read those excerpts. Truly does sound like a Jamaica Layne book…has that same, over-the-top, unsexy feel.

    She has six novels out now, not four, but it would depend on when the bio was written/published. One of those six was published on June 1st of this year, and another was published on August 11th of this year. I suppose she could have been “hard at work on the fifth” when “1 + 1 = 3″ was actually printed.

    On the other hand, I’ve never seen her use long drawn-out all-cap screams, nor have I seen her use the word “cum.” Sounds more like bad Literotica writing.

    On the other other hand, her website says she will have VERY BIG news on her website September 14th (!!!) so maybe she’s “coming out.” Heh.

    I am just grateful that I read the review. I’d purchased Knight Moves before the review on that book was published.

    (I am still hearing the occasional chuckle from my husband…I read him “Are there any disappointed queebing sounds?” about 30 minutes ago.)

  89. Steph
    Sep 15, 2009 @ 18:11:45

    I agree with Jane…this book sucks! I have read other books by Sasha James and they were easy reads that flowed. Not only is the story failing to grasp my attention but I can’t get past the lingo and slang she uses for these people that are supposed to be intelligent.

    I seriously wish I could get my money and my time back that was spent on this book.

  90. Noah
    Oct 18, 2009 @ 12:52:03

    “Take … all … of. . . this . . . dick,” he said, in between thrusts.

    THIS! IS! SEX!

    AND! YOU! WILL! LIKE! IT!

  91. “God, I can’t write that …” | The Bewildered Writer
    Apr 17, 2012 @ 14:07:24

    […] that vein once that turned me into a raging nympho, but write it down and it just looks ridiculous. Not saying that this is based on a real-life experience, but take a look at the dialogue in One + On…. That’s how most people talk when they have sex. How unsexy is it in black and […]

%d bloggers like this: