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GUEST REVIEW: Hot on Her Trail by Sable Hunter

Last week, we posted Kelly’s guest review of Cowboy Heat by Sable Hunter. Kelly promised to read and review the entire Hell Yeah series for us. This is the second book in the series.

You can find Kelly at http://instalove.wordpress.com/

Soooo, after laughing my way through the first book of this series, I strapped on my big-girl undies for Book 2:

Jacob McCoy wishes for a wife and a family. Tis the Season for miracles when a young woman shows up on his doorstep: homeless, in danger and expecting a child – Jacob’s child.

Their relationship is complicated by the fact that, A – they’ve never met before and B – she’s a virgin. Jessie is determined not to be a burden to the McCoy family. As far as she’s concerned, she is just passing through. Jacob has a different opinion – he wants Jessie in his life, in his bed and in his heart.

It’s a good thing I suited up in protective gear, because in between the vomit-inducing Insta-Love and some serious WTFery, this book PISSED ME OFF. Therefore, I am subtitling this review:

Hot on Her TrailA RETURN TO TEBOW RANCH: WHERE THE WOMEN ARE CHILDLIKE VIRGINS AND THE MEN ARE MISOGYNISTIC FUCKWADS.

This is going to take a while, so fasten your seatbelts – it’s going to be a long and wild ride. Like getting your bra strap caught on the fake horns of a mechanical bull and you can’t get off until someone takes pity on you and unplugs the damn thing.

Warning: If you don’t like spoilers or dirty words, go elsewhere. You know, in case that “fuckwads” thing wasn’t a big enough hint.

THE PLOT….

The short version: Homeless orphaned dyslexic pregnant virgin hides out in baby daddy’s barn to escape her bipolar stalker/serial killer. Also, she’s mistaken for a mermaid.

For the long version, I’m going need to use a lot of excerpts, and you’ll need to get your own pair of big-girl undies because I’m not sharing.

THE SET-UP….

Our spunky heroine Jessie Montgomery tracks down her unborn baby’s father (be patient, you’ll see), hitch-hikes from Austin to Kerrville (pop. 22,826 – see below), stalks him to a baseball game and….

Stowing away in the back of his truck, she left her old life behind, knowing that wherever he went was where she longed to be.

You’ll find this itinerary on page nine of the Homeless Orphaned Pregnant Dyslexic Virgins Handbook, although hitch-hiking is generally not recommended if your baby daddy doesn’t know you or your unborn child exist. Luckily, just two blocks from her Austin apartment, Jessie was able to catch a ride with an elderly couple who bought her a hamburger and gave her $30 before dropping her off at the Kerrville Little League Park. Maybe wearing a “Hi! My name is Mary Sue!” name tag helps with that sort of thing.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Jessie makes like a “lonely ghost,” hiding with the horses (second stall from the end on the left, between Sultan and Paladin) and surviving on ketchup sandwiches (made from bread and ketchup packets stolen from the concession stand). To earn her keep, she cleans tack and mucks out stalls. This goes on for two days before the call of the stock tank is too much to resist.

FUN FACT: Our author must have predicted our squickiness with the possible vaginal infections and whatnot, because this time we learn (in a rather lengthy paragraph) that this is a 20,000-gallon rainwater irrigation tank with actual pipes and pumps and stuff, not the icky livestock kind with cow slobber and green slime. As Aron the Eldest recalls fondly, “That old stock tank seems to see more action than the Playboy mansion.”

Anyway, Nathan, our resident plot moppet, spies Jessie bathing in the stock tank. Unlike our previous Hell Yeah! heroine, Jessie does not engage in full public nudity at this point in the narrative.

To a thirteen year old – long hair and glistening water on a near naked female could only mean one thing…. Wow!

…”You’ve got to see this, Jacob. It’s better than the time Isaac found that two-headed snake.”

If it were me, I would have used an exclamation point (!) instead of a period (.), because if anything is worthy of a more exclamatory form of punctuation, it’s a two-headed snake (!).

After some intense Older Brother Interrogation, Nathan reluctantly admits his eyewitness account might be more like wishful thinking:

“This girl, mermaid or not, had bosoms.” Nathan held his hands out in front of his chest, measuring for Jacob, the bountifulness of the mermaid’s blessings.

Nathan is obviously much too young and innocent to use blasphemic fruit analogies, so we’ll just have to imagine a well-timed “Sweet Jesus! Honey Dews!” interjection.

“You looked at her pretty close, didn’t you? Did you happen to see a tail?”

“Yea, she had a really nice tail.” Nathan was measuring in the air again – rounded circles – innocent in his appreciation of the female form.

I hate to interrupt the dramatic tension, but I just can’t let this one go: “rounded circles” is redundant.

“No, no – but, I meant fish tail.” This gave Nathan pause, and he put a finger to his chin in deep thought.

“Shucks! I guess she was just a regular ole’ girl, I don’t remember a tail.”

Jacob, our hero, investigates and finds Jessie full nekkid in the barn. It apparently takes her a long time to find her backup pair of Virgin Panties. Then again, maybe she couldn’t find the ladder to get out of the stock tank. Or maybe she had to use a hair dryer to get rid of her mermaid tail like Daryl Hannah in Splash.

Oh, sorry:

Humming? Did he hear humming?

…Jacob was speechless. There was an absolutely beautiful, nude girl standing in front of Paladin’s stall. He couldn’t quite hear what she was saying [“Can’t Help Falling in Love” by Elvis “The King” Presley], but he could see enough to fall deeply in lust. His eyes roved over the most curvy, gorgeous backside he had ever been privileged to ogle. Inflating with desire, his cock began to thicken and grow.

Our hero is deflated when he’s called back to the house for a minor family emergency, but he begs his Little Mermaid to stay. So she does. She finally gets dressed. She also fixes her hair and makeup because “she wanted to look as nice for Jacob as she could.” It doesn’t mention anything about brushing teeth, but we’ll hope so, because Heinz on Wonder Bread probably makes for some nasty morning breath. All of this prettying up occurs in the luxury apartment/studio above the stables.

Our hero returns to the barn and gets all forlorn and stuff when he can’t find Jessie right away, so he relieves these emotional emotions by jacking off:

Jacob needed relief in the worst way; even it was from his own hand….

If he didn’t bury himself balls deep in a woman’s hot pussy soon, his dick was going to fall off from disuse and neglect. He wanted to suck on those sweet, peach nipples that had tempted him so sweetly. Jesus! He wanted to squeeze that pair of perfect tits until he made the sweet doll beg him to love her all night long! God! Jets of cum shot up and out from his cock in a high arc, testifying to the tremendous need that had built up after months of celibacy – a drought of the worst kind.

Jessie, she of the Sweet Peach Nipples, is perving unnoticed from the stairwell. Being a Virgin, our heroine is understandably dazed by the size and power of Jacob’s manhood:

Mother Mary Full of Grace! Jessie Montgomery was more turned on than she had ever been in her life. Leaning against the stairwell wall, she peeped around the corner and fell head over heels in love. Jacob McCoy was more man than Jessie had ever seen in the flesh….

Mesmerized, she licked her lips as Jacob began to pleasure himself in long, rhythmic pumps and pulls that Jessie could feel from the tip of each nipple to deep inside her aching, empty vagina.

That last phrase confused me for a minute, but then I remembered that her *uterus* is occupied, not her vagina.

Thank the Lord, he was standing in a section of the barn where a shaft of sunlight cut down through the semi-darkness and spotlighted his more than generous assets.

Just like that one scene in The Natural where Glenn Close stands up in the bleachers and the sun hits her just right and Robert Redford sees her and hits the game-winning home run! I love that movie.

And this was the father of her unborn child? Jessie dropped her head in her hands and groaned silently. What she wouldn’t give to have been able to acquire his sperm the old fashioned way.

I KNOW, just BE PATIENT and save all your questions until the end.

The author doesn’t specify if Jacob cleans his manly essence off the stable floor, but he does take the time to carefully tuck and zip.

Jessie, our Bare-Naked Angel/Tantalizing Trespasser, removes all traces of *her* arousal before walking into town to fill out some job applications. On her meandering, sun-dappled journey, she scampers (yes, really) through a field of sunflowers conveniently located “about a block from the ranch road.”

QUESTION: Can someone help me out with the distances here? Would that be like a city block, or is that an “Everything’s Bigger in Texas” thing? I’m from Iowa, and around these here parts, we measure our homesteads by acres. In the first book of the series, it stated that the McCoy’s land holdings total about 535,000 acres (home to 20,000 mama cows; the bulls must have their own ZIP code), the equivalent of 835 square miles. It’s about 85 miles from Austin to Kerrville, which means that…. Oh, to hell with it. Never mind.

After she’s done skipping and scampering and scaring the bejesus out of flocks of birds, Jessie earns her “heroine” status by rescuing young Nathan from drowning in the Guadalupe River. Yes, REALLY. Surprisingly, this part is actually pretty good, but then the Insta-Love vomitry resumes and ruins the moment.

When the ambulance arrives, Jessie tries to hide in the woods, but alas, Jacob’s inner Nekkid-Virgin Radar works much too well:

It was their second meeting and once again she was as naked as a jaybird in whistling time.

QUESTION: I’m familiar with the “naked as a jaybird” cliché, but what does “in whistling time” mean? Is that another Texas thing? I need a glossary.

As she puts on her lemon yellow sundress and little white panties, Jacob’s manhood reinflates:

As if drawn by a giant magnet, he found himself moving toward her at a steady, predator-like pace. God! He was an absolute goner! To ease his discomfort, Jacob rubbed his swollen dick through his jeans. It wasn’t enough – not by a long shot.

No glossary needed there, but I did wonder if the “not by a long shot” thing was intentional or not.

“I can’t believe you’ve had to see me naked twice in one day. You should be getting hazard pay.”

Jessie, honey, with the number of girls the McCoy brothers have seen naked, they should be handing out haz-mat suits.

Why was she putting herself down? Didn’t she know how precious she was? “Babe, you didn’t have to get dressed on my account. I liked looking at you all unclothed and cuddly.”

Cuddly. Just what a naked pregnant woman wants to be called. Thumbs up on that one, dude!

Rubbing his nose over the silken skin of her cheek, he found it was just as soft as he imagined it would be. “You smell like a Bit-O-Honey candy bar. I bet you taste just as sweet.”

QUESTION: Jessie was just nearly drowned and hasn’t showered yet, so does that mean the Guadalupe River smells like a Bit-O-Honey? What exactly is upriver?

Her loins felt like they were on fire. She wasn’t unfamiliar with sexual urges, she read romance novels. But until now, her sex drive had been a very private and personal matter.

Did you catch the big ole’ WTF red flag in there? Clue: It’s not the use of the word “loins” (see below).

So, with loins flaming and bosoms heaving and steel rods straining (actually, it’s just one steel rod, but I wanted to maintain the plural for poetic balance and dramatic emphasis), we move on to…

CHAPTER THREE: IN WHICH THINGS ARE REVEALED AND QUESTIONS ARE ANSWERED.

You’ll be relieved to know our horny couple has finally made it to the privacy of the truck.

“God, what you do to me!” Jacob exclaimed as he placed her on the seat. We’re never going to get anywhere at this rate.” He was hard as a rock and as primed as a pile-driver. “Look at your nipples, baby. You’re as excited as I am, aren’t you?”

You’d think if her nipples were as primed as a pile driver, he wouldn’t have to ask.

Jessie looked down. The thin, yellow material did nothing to hide her breasts. Suddenly, she was past self-conscious. “I’m sorry, I had no idea,” she gasped, covering them with her hands. “I can’t go anywhere like this,” she moaned….

She must have the 12-hour extended-release type of pile-driving nipples. Better her than me.

“Move those hands, doll-face. You don’t ever have to hide from me.”

Doll-face. You’re on a roll, cowboy, keep up the good work.

But, God Almighty! Her tits were magnificent! They were high, with large areolas and prominent distended nipples.

In case you’re confused: Her nipples are distended. You know, like pile-drivers.

Reverently, he smoothed his hands in a circle around her breasts, cupping and lifting them, relishing their perfection….

“I’ve got to get them in my mouth. Is that okay with you?” He didn’t think that he needed to ask permission, but he was going to take every precaution with this treasure. He had found her, she was his, and he didn’t intend to give her up anytime soon….

Jacob now takes off his hat, so you *know* things are gonna get romantic.

“Are they sensitive, baby?” He was hungry to know everything about her.

Jessie didn’t really understand the question. She was past thinking. “I don’t know,” she gasped. “Help me find out. Okay?”

Well, if you’re really not sure *and* you insist….

…he opened his lips and enveloped one velvety morsel in the wet heat of his mouth. Sucking deeply, he pulled at her breast with strong draws, letting his tongue lave the tip-end as he fed his ravenous hunger.

Blasts of heat and pleasure swamped Jessie. “Yes!” she keened. They were sensitive.

Oh, good. I was worried that the ravenous laving wouldn’t create enough friction for her velvety morsels.

Tingles of electric rapture assaulted her senses. “Jacob! That’s so good, love.” She cradled his head and held him close, reveling in the magic he was creating at her breast.

The other one. Jacob wanted the other one. He had to pull himself away from one nipple to suck its lonely twin.

Now that the twins have had equal lovin’, Jessie feels comfortable enough to actively participate in the ravenous laving:

She consumed him – devoured him – ate at his lips like she was starving to death. At the same time, he was rubbing and pulling at her nipples. Then it happened. Jacob felt it. Jessie shimmered under his hands…. It was the first time that he could remember holding a piece of heaven in his arms.

Sparkles of electric heat radiated out from Jessie’s womanhood.

I felt quite shimmery and sparkly after reading that. Like one of those really nice July 4th sparklers sold only in big tents across the Missouri state line, not just the cheap kind in the checkout aisle at Walgreen’s.

She could feel her pussy grasping desperately around nothing. Unspeakable pleasure flowed out from her breasts and up from her clitoris. She felt like she had been thrown off a cliff and the only hope of salvation was the anchor that she clung to – Jacob McCoy.

Did anyone else envision Wile E. Coyote plummeting to earth clinging to an Acme-brand anchor? Maybe it’s just me.

“Thank you, Jacob. Thank you. That’s never happened to me before.” Holding him to her, she marveled as aftershocks shot through her system.

“You’re one special treasure, darling. Not every woman can come just from having her breasts petted and kissed. You are so responsive, so good for my ego.”

To demonstrate *his* thanks, Jacob proves he’s not just a manwhore:

Reaching in the back seat, he found a spare shirt of his that he kept with him for emergencies. Wrapping it around her shoulders, he cupped her cheek. “Now, we’ve covered you up. I don’t want anyone else staring at those succulent little nipples.”

QUESTIONS: Do they teach that preparedness skill in Boy Scouts, or is that another Texas thing? Are nipple-protrusion emergencies more common in Texas? Because these McCoy brothers sure are handy with the nipple-covering shirts.

Jacob and his Angel of the Morning somehow manage to keep their hands to themselves long enough to drive back to the ranch, where he introduces Jessie to one of his younger brothers:

“The pleasure’s all mine, beautiful.” It was easy to see that the sweet talk and silver tongue was a family trait.

Jacob bristled, even though he knew his brother didn’t mean anything by the endearment. “Do I need to say ‘Tag’?” Jacob growled, irritably. “Tag” had always been the code word that the McCoy brothers used to alert the others that a particular female had been honed in on and weeded out of the herd for his own personal delectation.

Weeded out of the herd. Three for three, bro. Awesome. Way to go.

When she arrived in the living room, she hung back and just watched – amazed at the level of testosterone in the room.

I can smell it from here.

During her brief stay at Testosterone Hall (aka Beefcake Heaven), Jessie learns that eldest brother Aron’s fiancee has nicknamed his manhood “Krull the Warrior King.” We’re not told explicitly if Jacob’s own manhood is threatened by this, but it’s soon apparent that Jessie’s nipples-only climax provided enough ego-stroking for him to drag her into bed.

All it took was being near to her and his dick was like a stick of dynamite.

Again with the Wile E. Coyote/Acme product mental picture. I clearly need to get out more.

THE BACKSTORY….

So now (still Chapter 3), despite the danger of explosion (although an *implosion* would be great right about now), Jessie takes the opportunity to tell Jacob her Homeless Orphaned Dyslexic Pregnant Virgin sob story.

This is good, but it’s too complicated to explain more than once, so PAY ATTENTION:

  • Jessie’s mean parents, who called her fat and stupid, conveniently died years ago (hence the “orphan” part).
  • Because she’s severely dyslexic (that part speaks for itself) and functionally illiterate, she had to drop out of school and work nights cleaning offices.
  • One of the offices belonged to a doctor, who convinced her to become a surrogate for his infertile wife.
  • She accepted the offer, did her duty with the catheter and the sperm at the Austin Cryobank (see, I *told* you your “pregnant virgin WTH?” questions would be answered), and moved in with the good doctor and his wife.
  • All was sunshine and roses until the doctor started putting the moves on her. No, really, he was almost creepy about it, what with the hovering and the staring and the webcams and the nighttime bedroom visits and all.
  • As if Dr. Creep wasn’t bad enough, a letter from the cryobank arrived, informing Jessie and her benefactors that <gasp> THE SPERM WAS MIXED UP <shudder>. I know, right??? Dr. Creep *McCay* isn’t the father of Jessie’s baby – Jacob *McCoy,* Studly Young Millionaire Philanthropist Cowboy, is. (Again, please save all your questions until the end.) The cryobank was – and still is – very sorry for their “whopper of an error.”
  • Dr. and Mrs. Creep tried to force Jessie to have an abortion, so she fled (hence the “homeless” part). Of course she gave back the money they gave her, because she’s a good girl, she is.
  • She asked a friend to Google “Jacob McCoy,” and voila, pages and pages of detailed personal information about our Studly Young Millionaire Philanthropist Cowboy magically appeared, pointing her directly to the McCoy’s Tebow Ranch in Kerrville, Texas.

So after that dramatic Lifetime Movie flashback, Jacob says “Yeah, whatever, I read the letter from the sperm bank.” Or the equivalent thereof.

Jacob’s world would never be the same. In less than twenty-four hours, it had become a place of wonder and hope. And it all centered on this beautiful, sweet woman that made every fiber of his being vibrate with need.

The vibrating leads to rubbing, which leads to penetrating (God Bless Texas! This was amazing!), fisting (yes, really) and catapulting (Acme catalog, Medieval Weaponry section), and Jessie is no longer a Pregnant Virgin. She’s just Pregnant. Although, she’s still a Homeless Dyslexic Orphan, so she’s got that going for her.

DECISION TIME: SHOULD I KEEP READING?

Oh, Hell Yeah! (See what I did there?)

THE ANGST! THE DRAMA!

We’ll fast-forward through the incessant “I’m not good enough for him” whining, neonatal paternity testing, baby belt buckle buying (alliteration, yay!), wine making and hayride planning to get to the much-anticipated appearance of the stalker/serial killer – none other than (surprise!) Dr. Creep McCay.

After killing his infertile wife (she was a nagging bitch, dammit), stuffing her into a jumbo garbage bag and throwing her body in the Colorado River (he weighted it down with cement blocks just in case), the good doctor follows Jessie to the McCoy ranch, kidnaps her (a cattle prod is involved), and drags her off to a conveniently abandoned farmhouse just a few miles from the McCoy ranch.

It turns out that Dr. Creep’s serial killer-ness is caused not only by his bipolar disorder (I *know,* we’ll cover that later), but also by his TINY LITTLE IMPOTENT PENIS.

No, really – as God as my witness, I am *not* making this shit up. Nor would I ever want to, because it’s even worse than it sounds (see below).

THE HAPPY ENDING…

Sorry to leave you hanging like that – but never fear! Thanks to the private investigator the McCoys have on retainer (Roscoe, P.I.), and the convenient arrival of a Voodoo Priestess (see below), our hero and various brothers are able to come to the rescue just in the nick of time. Tada!

Jessie, our former Homeless Virgin but still Pregnant Dyslexic Orphan, takes advantage of Jacob’s offer of a Magical Orgasm Cure to relieve her mild post-hostage icky feelings. All is now sunshine and roses again, and we even get an epilogue titled “A Glimpse Into The Future.”

OUR HEROINE….

She could see it now, “Hello, Jacob. You don’t know me, but I’m pregnant with your child.” Good grief! He was going to think that she was a crazy woman.

All righty. We’ve already established that Jessie is a Homeless Orphaned Dyslexic Pregnant Virgin. And as you’ve probably already guessed, this means Jessie is an eye-rollingly naïve and childlike Mary Sue.

But, to her credit, we can’t say Jessie isn’t a planner:

Jessie had devised a plan. She would introduce herself to Jacob and explain the situation, making sure that he understood that she wasn’t asking or expecting any type of support for their child. What Jessie truly wanted from Jacob was his assurance that he wouldn’t challenge Jessie for custody….

Tentatively, her plans were to find a job and stay in Kerrville, close to Jacob. That way he would know she was willing to let him be as much, or as little a part of their baby’s life as he wanted to be. And if, for some reason, they made him uncomfortable – she could move on – knowing that she had done right by Jacob McCoy.

Poor, poor Jessie – not only is she homeless and orphaned and dyslexic and pregnant and blindly optimistic, she’s also <shakes head sadly> *fat*:

Oh, why couldn’t she be willowy and graceful? She had way too many curves to ever be considered attractive. Foot! And there was no hope for her to get any thinner, not anytime soon. After all, she was four and a half months pregnant. And the sad thing was, she couldn’t blame her overabundant figure on her pregnancy. She had been chunky to start with; and as the baby grew, so would she. Hopefully once her bundle of joy was born, he would keep her hopping and she could shed a few pounds.

This self-assessment is proven true when Jacob checks her clothes and finds she’s <gasp> a size 12 and <shudder> a D cup.

GAH!

(Excuse me a moment while I attempt to unclench my fingers so I can type again.)

Jessie must have used up all her Lucky Charms on her hitch-hiking adventure and pain-free deflowering, because the shit really starts hitting the fan during the 374th Annual Tebow Ranch Harvest Hayride:

“Do I know you? You look awfully familiar to me.”

Jessie shook her head. “No, I don’t think we’ve met.”

The woman continued to stare. “I know! You’re the woman who cleans my office building! Why you’re on staff here aren’t you? What are you doing sitting over here with the guests? Shouldn’t you be passing our drinks or something? Do the McCoy’s know the help is mingling with the guests?”

Actually, that bit of random time travel to Regency England (via the Portal of Very Convenient Coincidences) was just a mere speed bump on the road to rock bottom. The very next person she meets is a big fan of hers:

“Hey, cutie. Come here!” A man grabbed her arm and pulled her onto the dance floor. “I’ve been watching you. I knew you looked familiar, and it just hit me. You’re that girl from the website.”

Jessie was trying to pull away. The man had bad breath and his hand was sliding down her waist, perilously close to her butt. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I don’t have a website.” She was just about to cry, all she could think about was how bad she wished Jacob would find her.

“Stop trying to pull away. I know why you’re here. You’re part of the entertainment, aren’t you? Those pictures of you sure did make me hot. I used them as lighter fluid, if you know what I mean.”

That is like the worst party *ever,* and she still has abduction by the serial killer with the Tiny Little Impotent Penis to look forward to.

SUMMING UP JESSIE IN ONE PARAGRAPH:

“Do you think I could have a glass of milk when we get there?” Jessie looked at him hopefully.

Not. Making. This. Shit. Up.

OUR HERO….

Jacob had a soft heart for children, old people and animals.

Also, naked pregnant virgins.

Jacob McCoy is our Studly Young Millionaire Philanthropist Cowboy. We know he’s a successful businessman because he has his own office with a real Rolodex and his own personal Bunn coffeemaker.

He’s not just your typical “inherited some cows” kind of Texas millionaire – he made his fortune using his very own smarts (like Wile E. Coyote Super Genius kind of smarts) by purchasing land containing vast deposits of methane gas. I would have assumed that the McCoys’ eight kajillion head of cattle could have provided the world with enough methane, but what do I know?

Anyway, Jacob’s charitable endeavors cancel out his environmental crimes. (Methane is a greenhouse gas, you know. I looked it up.) He coaches Little League and raises money for cancer victims and serves as a volunteer firefighter and rescues naked pregnant virgins. He’s just your typical Texas good ole’ boy.

Although Jacob is a Studly Young Millionaire Philanthropist Cowboy, he’s bored with fucking random girls. His newest greatest burning desire is to marry and have lots of babies. Lucky for him, he doesn’t even need to fuck another boring female to achieve his goal!

Here’s where your lingering “sperm bank mix-up WTH?” question gets answered: Because he’s a volunteer firefighter, Jacob took the precaution of banking his sperm in case of fire hose injury or chemical exposure or unauthorized use of Acme products or something.

I have no idea if this is plausible, but whatever, we’ve got more important things to worry about. Trust me.

For example, the Cryobank must have had to special-order an XXL sperm catcher, because Jacob’s cock is – get ready – nine (9) inches long and six (6) inches around.

(Excuse me a moment while I unclench other things.)

We know these precise dimensions because Jessie is able to accurately mentally measure Jacob’s pulsating manhood while he’s jerking off in the barn – even though she’s never actually seen a real live penis before! That important life skill must be in the advanced section of the Homeless Orphaned Dyslexic Pregnant Virgin Handbook.

And get this: Jacob’s Rod of Steel is named Johnson – just like his older brother Aron’s penis! I know, right???

Some men were adequate lovers and some were exceptional; Jacob had been told by reliable sources that he ranked in the top one percentile.

QUESTION: What’s our sample size here? The entire state of Texas or just the Hill Country? I need some kind of reference point before I trust these so-called “reliable sources.”

Amongst the family, Jacob is sometimes known as “Deuce,” but he doesn’t really mind, because:

Being the number two son wasn’t so bad, but as far as nicknames go, he much preferred the one that the Texas Cowgirl Sorority over in Austin had penned on him after they had seen him wrestle down a thirteen hundred pound steer during a bulldogging exhibition. They called him Texas Torque because of his massive chest and arm muscles.

QUESTIONS: (1) Is a Texas Cowgirl Sorority a real organization? (2) If so, is there just one, or is there a whole system with chapter names like Pretty Little Fillies and Bare-Nekkid Virgins? (3) Did the Sorority Cowgirls PEN him up in a stall after the rodeo and PEN the nickname on him like a temporary tattoo?

SUMMING UP JACOB IN ONE PARAGRAPH:

Knowing that Jessie was going to need clothes for the dance, he had gone crazy and went to Sarah Jane’s boutique and bought ten different outfits for his Angel-baby. And before he left the town square, he had stopped at the florist and bought a dozen peach colored roses. The color reminded him of her nipples.

To reiterate: I am *not* making this shit up.

OK, ONE MORE JACOB FACTOID:

He was an avid hunter and enjoyed bagging big game.

“Shhhhh, be vewwy, vewwy quiet. I’m hunting virgins.” Elmer Fudd this time. Sorry.

MOVING ON TO THE *SERIOUS* WTFery….

Oh, so much WTFery, so little time. At this point, I’ll just ignore Nathan, the “innocent” 13-year-old who says “bosoms” instead of “boobs” even though he’s being raised by *five* he-man older brothers. I’d show some of Nathan’s dialogue to my 13-year-old nephew to get his expert opinion, but I don’t want to scar him for life and I need my sister to babysit next weekend.

I will also withhold my questions about where and when Jessie, the never-before-set-foot-out-of-Austin city girl, acquired her expertise in stall mucking, tack cleaning and horse whispering. It could be just a natural progression from cleaning offices.

So let’s start with the next-most obvious:

Dear Mr. Jacob McCoy

We regret to inform you that an unfortunate error has occurred in the management of your sperm deposit. Due to a lab error, our records indicate that your sperm was released by mistake [kinda like premature ejaculation, but different] and used in a surrogate pregnancy. Due to the possibility of an unauthorized use of your deposit [<snort>], we regret to inform you that a Ms. Jessie Montgomery may be eighteen weeks pregnant…. Ms. Montgomery disappeared before we could do additional tests to confirm parentage….

To protect you, no information other than your name was given to Ms. Montgomery. If she chooses to get in contact with you, it will be at her own volition. We apologize for any embarrassment or inconvenience this will cause you….

Our administrator and legal counsel are awaiting your call. To you, again, we owe our sincerest apologies. Mistakes like this are truly unfortunate, but due to the human factor – correcting them is not always an easy task.

Sincerely

Horace Brown, Director of Austin Cryobank

What. The. Ever-Loving. Fuck.

Let’s revisit a key sentence: “To protect you, no information other than your name was given to Ms. Montgomery.”

How, exactly, would purposefully releasing identifiable personal information without consent be considered protection? Is Texas exempt from all those HIPAA regulations and endless Thou Shalt Not Divulge Anything Even Remotely Personal privacy forms?

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg, my friends. Our skillful author somehow manages to schedule all these revelations so that Jacob read this letter *after* he’s seen his Bared-Naked Angel but *before” he learns her name. Naturally, he’s so overcome at the prospect of impending parenthood that he doesn’t make the Naked Girl in Barn <===> Missing Pregnant Virgin connection.

Luckily, his older brother Aron is available to reacquaint him with reality:

“If they can’t keep up with their man juice any better than that over at the Cryobank, you can’t trust anything those people say. That baby might not even be yours.”

Sadly, Aron’s suspicions are correct, because (SPOILER!) the neonatal paternity test proves that Jacob is *not* the father of Jessie’s baby. I know, right???

Jacob is understandably upset, so he calls up our good friend Horace Brown to get the low-down:

There was a scandal at the sperm bank. It seems that Jacob’s problem was not the only problem. The Cryobank had been sued for negligence. It seems their records were lacking in clarity, quality and quantity. They had declared bankruptcy just that morning. Accusations had come from several avenues. They had kept no record of any diseases, genetic disorders or any problems that could be handed down from their donors.

You’ll be happy to know that Jacob ignores all the hem-hawin’ and apologizin’ and reams Horace a new one over the phone.

You’ll also be happy to learn that the actual for-real-this-time bio daddy, a gentleman named David Bell, is (to paraphrase Horace’s legalese) conveniently dead, eliminating any further recriminations from this continuing fiasco.

Also: Horace’s original letter about the mishandled man juice was printed on the letterhead of the Austin Cryobank’s OFFICE OF CRITICAL ISSUES.

HAHAHAHAHAHA<deepbreath>HAHAHAHAHAHA

Of all the WTFery in this entire book, those four words *still* make me laugh the most. I’m dedicating that one to all my public relations colleagues, and to Jane and all the other attorneys out there.

MOVING ON….

This next one made me grind my teeth so hard I think I scared small children and neighborhood dogs:

“Keith McCay is quite a character. He was diagnosed as being bipolar as a child. There are three documented cases of animal abuse in his past, which is not an uncommon side effect of manic depression.”

Wow. Just… Un-fucking-believable. Ms. Hunter, you just stepped over “clueless” and landed in a big steaming pile of “lazy and offensive BULLSHIT.”

This lovely bit of pseudo-psychology comes from Roscoe, the McCoy’s private investigator who was called in to figure out who was *mutilating cattle* on the ranch. Because that’s the kind of thing private investigators named Roscoe do.

Let’s get a few things straight – all found easily using this nifty new invention call the World Wide Web:

  • Animal abuse would be a SYMPTOM, not a SIDE EFFECT.
  • Animal abuse is NOT associated with bipolar disorder.
  • Bipolar disorder and psychosis are NOT synonymous.

There, see how easy that was? Remember: Watching CSI does *not* qualify you to invent spurious mental illnesses to justify your serial killer’s serial-killerness. DO YOUR FUCKING HOMEWORK.

BUT WAIT – THERE’S MORE!

Remember back in the plot set-up where I mentioned the big ole’ WTF red flag? @Lisa J, this one is for you:

From chapter three:

…she knew from sad experience that what she saw and what was really there on that sign were two different things. Her severe dyslexia had colored every facet of her life – holding her back and making her worthless in her mother and stepfather’s eyes.

From chapter four:

“I have been reading a lot of these erotic romance novels and I have a whole list of things that I’d like to try. Do you think you’d be interested in trying them with me?”

His eyes widened, and his lips slid into the sexiest, most confident smile that she had ever seen. “You have a list?”

She nodded, realizing that the wicked gleam in his eye might seriously get her into trouble.

“Can I see it?”

Oh, Lord! How embarrassing. “I guess,” she winced, as she remembered some of the things she had written down. Now he would know all of her deepest, darkest desires.

What a sweet moment. And what luck that Jessie managed to find so much dyslexia-proof erotica!

Our heroine is so severely dyslexic, she’s functionally illiterate. She had to drop out of high school, works at menial jobs, can’t read a recipe and can’t even sign her name legibly. And yet, SHE’S READING EROTIC ROMANCE NOVELS AND WRITING LISTS OF SEXUAL POSITIONS SHE WANTS TO TRY.

Lazy and offensive, strike two. It’s BAD ENOUGH to use dyslexia to make your heroine naïve and childlike, but conveniently forgetting about it during the sex scenes is just FUCKING RIDICULOUS.

(Unclenching again.)

Let’s all take a deep cleansing breath before we continue, because we need to address…

THE TINY LITTLE IMPOTENT PENIS.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you. And seriously, if you have any type of triggers regarding abuse, do NOT read this excerpt.

Keith didn’t talk to her very much. He hit her, and pinched her, and slapped her – but he did not talk to her. And, he wasn’t giving her much to eat. For most of the day, he left her bound and gagged on the floor. When he did show up, he didn’t stay long. Only long enough to attempt another rape.

He was really pathetic. If he weren’t a monster, Jessie would have felt sorry for him. Because, Keith McCay definitely had a problem. Now, she knew why it had been necessary for a doctor to extract the sperm for insemination. He hadn’t even been able to get it up for a cup.

When he mauled Jessie, sometimes he would get an erection, of sorts. His little penis was so short that as far as weapons goes (sic), his was a penknife in a world of swords and sabers. Once, she had made the mistake of laughing and he had kicked her in the stomach. She wouldn’t make that mistake again. Her baby was still okay, it was still moving. So, she didn’t laugh. Everyday, they went through the same ritual. Thank God for small favors and small dicks.

Just to be clear on this: Even after being bound, gagged, starved and repeatedly beaten over several days, our spunky heroine is able to LAUGH AT HER ABDUCTOR BECAUSE HE CAN’T GET IT UP.

It’s not every Mary Sue, or erotica author, who can appreciate the ironic humor of attempted rape.

(I’m taking a break to unclench again.)

(Still unclenching.)

(Almost done.)

KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON….

Thanks to the Power of Kindle, we can do some scholarly textual analysis on the recurrence of significant words and phrases:

  • “Naked” = 29 times.
  • “Cream” = 11 times, both as a noun and a verb, and only one of those is referring to ice cream.
  • “Lave” or “laving” = five times. Four for her, one for him. Or maybe I should say four by him, one by her.
  • “Nipple” or “nipples” = 63 times. SIXTY. THREE.
  • “Doll” = 26 times, none of which are referring to toys.
  • “Pussy” = 27 times, none of which refer to felines.
  • “Little” = 205 times. TWO HUNDRED AND FIVE. (Making for a HELL YEAH! of a drinking game. We’d be praying to the porcelain god by page three, passed out by chapter two and dead before any virgins get penetrated.)

The use of various euphemisms for male genitalia also provides some interesting linguistic observations. Common slang terms are prevalent, with “cock” outgunning “dick” 36-32. Quite surprisingly, Fabio-esque descriptors such as “manhood” and “rod” are used relatively infrequently (seven and two, respectively). The anatomically correct “penis” appears seven times, while the proper noun “Johnson” is used only once.

BUT WAIT – THERE’S MORE!

We’ve pretty much covered the “women are childlike virgins” portion of the review. You might have thought we’d already covered the “misogynistic fuckwads” part as well, but you’d be so very, very wrong. WE HAVEN’T EVEN GOTTEN STARTED.

In addition to the assholery of our manwhore hero Jacob, we also get to know his equally dickheaded siblings. I hope you kept your big-girl undies on, because it’s time to meet the Extraneous McCoy Brothers.

INTRODUCING ISAAC, THE TATTOOED MOTORCYCLE-RIDING BADASS BROTHER….

I was initially inclined to believe Isaac would be my favorite McCoy brother:

“Bummer,” Isaac sighed. “Misplacing a good looking, naked woman is never a good thing.”

I changed my mind. Help me, Nathan McCoy, you’re my only hope.

Like all Tattooed Motorcycle-Riding Badasses, Isaac is secretly in love with a Good Girl. We don’t yet know for sure if this Good Girl is a Virgin, but considering she’s a preacher’s daughter, it’s probably a safe bet.

Like all Good Girls, Avery Rose is certain she has the Power to Tame the Badass, so Isaac has to use all his rakish charm to dissuade her:

“Don’t do that, Avery! Have a little pride!” Isaac was about to do something that he swore he’d never do. He was going to hurt a sweet and innocent little thing. It was Isaac that picked up the kittens and puppies that people threw away on the side of the road. It was Isaac that climbed trees and put little birds back in the nests and fed baby squirrels when hunters would kill their mamas and leave them to starve. But, sometimes you had to hurt somebody in order to help them. “Go home, Avery. I don’t want you.”

…Now for the killing blow. Isaac braced himself. It was going to hurt him a hell of a lot more than it would her. “You aren’t my type, Avery. In fact, I don’t think you’re anybody’s type.” At her wounded expression, he knew that he was almost there. He pulled back the knife and prepared it for the final thrust. “You’re not woman enough to interest me, Avery. I like my dates to excite me. Face it, baby – you’re not woman enough to interest me. Go home.”

And *this* is supposed to make me want to read Isaac’s sequel, mysteriously titled Badass? Yay! I can hardly wait!

Oh, on second thought, never mind.

Asshole. Dickhead. Fuckwad.

(NOTE: I’m saving the scene with the telephone operator (yes, really) trying to talk Avery out of calling a Nevada brothel (yes, really) for Isaac’s Badass review. Just to give you something to look forward to.)

INTRODUCING NOAH, THE UPTIGHT SELF-RIGHTEOUS ACCOUNTANT BROTHER…

Being an Uptight Self-Righteous Accountant, Noah deems it his privilege to open other people’s mail, so naturally he finds the letter from the Cryobank’s Office of Critical Issues. (hahahaha) And naturally he believes it his duty to Protect the Family by ordering a secret background investigation (Roscoe, P.I., is a *very* busy guy).

The bitchy office worker (Cassandra Tarpley) and lighter fluid guy (Tom Riley) at the hayride must have been invited by Noah, because close observation of both incidents affirms his belief that Jessie is an Embarrassment to the Family.

After seeing how Cassandra had reacted to her and hearing that old Tom Riley recognized her from those nudie shots on the internet, Noah knew it was time to lay his cards on the table.

The winning hand is a legal contract absolving his big brother of any and all parental rights and responsibilities. As he bullies Jessie into signing the contract, Noah mocks her admission of dyslexia:

“You can’t read any of it?” He asked in amazement.

“Very little,” she confessed.

“How did you finish school?” At her silence, he surmised. “You didn’t even graduate high school did you?”

The nudie pictures must have distracted him from that part of Roscoe, P.I.’s background report.

“No,” she said in a small voice.

With a broad, sweeping motion, Noah pulled the paper to him and began to read.

When he’s done reading the legalese word for fucking word, Jessie asks:

“Is this some sort of prenuptial agreement?”

Because dyslexic = totally fucking clueless. No wonder he’s treating her like dirt.

With shaking hand, Jessie picked up the pen and wrote her name. Noah looked at her signature. “You had better just make an X, these signatures are like hen scratch.”

Jessie has irked him so much he doesn’t seem to remember that HIS OWN YOUNGEST BROTHER HAS DYSLEXIA.

You might think that would be enough to satisfy Noah’s Assholierthanthou Shame Quota, but you’d be wrong.

“…you have to realize that it was never you that he was attracted to-“ Noah raked his eyes up and down Jessie’s body. He didn’t say it out loud, he didn’t have to. Noah told her with his eyes that she wasn’t pretty enough to attract Jacob under normal circumstances. “It was the baby.”

“Oh.”

Jessie’s one word response struck a sympathetic chord in Noah. Pushing it aside, he put what was best for the family in the forefront. “You know it’s true, Jessie. You should see the women that Jacob is used to dating.” Sometimes you had to be cruel to be kind.

He’s not done yet…. He waits until a suitably dramatic moment for the Big Reveal of the Nudie Photos to finish squashing her like cow shit under a cowboy boot.

And *then* he scrapes our Homeless Orphaned Dyslexic Pregnant Mary Sue off the bottom of his boot by kicking her off the ranch with no clothes, no money and no transportation – straight into the waiting arms and Tiny Little Impotent Penis of her stalker/serial killer.

Asshole. Dickhead. Fuckwad.

(Don’t worry, both Jacob and Jessie forgive him because he was just doing it to Protect the Family.)

Noah’s sequel, mysteriously titled Skye Blue, is coming soon. I hope it’s released before October 1, because that’s my birthday. (Hint, hint.)

INTRODUCING JOSEPH, THE PARALYZED RECKLESS DAREDEVIL BROTHER….

In Book 1, Reckless Daredevil Joseph was paralyzed after a motocross crash. Fortunately, his filthy rich family was able to immediately build him an on-site rehab center at the ranch, so he was able to go home after only two days in the hospital. No, really.

Anyway, Joseph is understandably upset that being paralyzed has Taken Away His Manhood, and the Acme Triple Strength Fortified Leg Muscle Vitamins aren’t working for him. Luckily, one of his friends knows of a Voodoo Priestess from New Orleans who has the power to Restore His Manhood.

I am NOT MAKING THIS SHIT UP. Except for the part about the Acme vitamins.

Being both a McCoy and Reckless Daredevil, Joseph is also a Ladies’ Man, so naturally one of his first employment reference questions is:

“What does she look like, this miracle worker?”

You see, Joseph doesn’t want a beautiful woman to watch him piss into a bag.

Joseph’s sequel, mysteriously titled Her Magic Touch, is up next, so I won’t spoil it with any more excerpts. But just so you don’t underestimate *his* misogynistic fuckwadery, you should be aware that Joseph’s nickname (used in newspaper headlines and magazine covers and Guinness Books of World’s Records and farmers’ almanacs) is “The Texas Stallion” and his signature piece of apparel is a Superman belt buckle.

Asshole. Dickhead. Fuckwad.

AND JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT JACOB LOOKED GOOD BY COMPARISON….

When Noah accuses Jessie of being a hussy, Jacob valiantly defends her honor:

“She was a virgin, you asshole. I ought to know, it was my hand that prepared her, and my dick that tore through the barrier.”

Holy crap, is that romantic or what? Things are clenching again, and not in a good way.

This last one is going to be painful (metaphorically, not “rip your hymen apart” painful), so be grateful I saved this until the end:

“My last doctor told me that I would probably have to have a cesarean. Even though my hips are huge, my pelvic bone is narrow.”

…Kissing her hard on the mouth, he chuckled. “And I hate you are going to have to have surgery, but I’m kinda thrilled that you’ll stay tight for my pleasure. My cock is fast getting addicted to that snug little pussy of yours.”

Just so we’re clear here: Our “hero” looks forward to his baby mama’s C-section so his 9x6er can stay tightly sheathed.

Oh. My. Fucking. Holy. Sweet. Sister. Frances.

(NOTE: My Kindle’s name is Frances, so that’s not just an idle epithet.)

ASS. HOLE. DICK. HEAD. FUCK. WAD.

What kind of woman writes shit like that? What kind of woman *reads* shit like that and thinks “oooh, how *sexy,* I’m going to give this book five stars!”??? I really don’t understand, and I really hope I’m not the only one who finds that disturbing.

I’m so assholed-out right now, I’m just going to ignore the “my hips are huge but my pelvis is narrow” bullshit and spare you the details of Jacob’s lactation fetish. Usually I’m all “yeah, fetish, safe, sane, consensual, it’s all good.” But lactation fetish + keeping the pussy snug? NO *FUCKING* WAY.

NOW LET ME TELL YOU WHAT I *REALLY* THINK…..

I think someone needs to invent a male episiotomy so we can volunteer Jacob as a human test subject. I think Joseph needs to get a penile catheter infection. I think the heroine of Noah’s sequel needs to run far and run fast. I think the Texas Department of Social Services needs to stage a raid on Tebow Ranch and rescue poor Nathan.

I’m still a little sweet on Isaac, so we’ll give him a bye this round.

I think Sable Hunter needs to take a look around and determine what planet she’s living on – and what century she’s living in. In her hands, Kerrville, Texas, is a creepy cowboy version of Stepford, filled with testosterone-steaming Alpha Males and the helpless damsels in distress who fall at their feet.

The county line must have flashing signs that say “All Females Must Check Brains and Self-Respect at Gate. Infantilizing Pet Names Required.” NOT ONCE is a female character depicted as an intelligent, independent *adult* woman. Jacob calls Jessie his “doll” and his “angel-baby” so often it’s beyond nauseating, it’s downright *disturbing.* And let’s not forget the numerous comparisons of our heroines to puppies and kittens and baby birds and motherless squirrels.

So far, only Joseph’s Voodoo Priestess is showing signs of being a grown-up worthy of being called a “heroine” – but then, she’s got witchcraft and powerful dead ancestors to back her up. I’m hoping she’ll use her bat guano incense to stun Joseph into a coma in the next book, but I have a feeling I’m going to be *really* disappointed.

Grade: F

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Guest Reviewer

106 Comments

  1. Silver James
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 10:54:53

    OMGWTFBBQ! Reading this review took almost as long as reading the book would have but while I would be clenching and unclenching (and I don’t mean my inner muscles) at the book, the review had me gigglesnorting so hard the cat disappeared and the dogs demanded to go outside, abandoning their spots atop the AC vents.

    Kelly, you are my new hero. You’ve taken two for the team already and seem willing to take full body shots to complete this series. Bless you, honeydew babydoll sweet cheeks darlin’. (See? I speak Good Ol’ Boy.) May the grace of heaving bosoms and mighty wang grant you great and omniscient snark!

  2. Jenna
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 11:27:27

    Great review! But I’m kind of confused about the whole “Tebow Ranch” thing. Are we talking Tim Tebow? Is he a “childlike virgin” or a “misogynistic fuckwad”? Other than the fact that he says he’s a virgin I’d say he is none of those things. Nothing wrong with being a virgin, he is just attempting to practice what he preaches.

  3. LeeF
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 11:29:17

    I didn’t think you could match the last review but this one was even a bigger hoot. Let me just say, as a native/resident Texas, I really don’t know where she gets some of this stuff. Thanks for providing a few laughs before I head off to work.

  4. Jane
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 11:36:16

    @Jenna – the author has named the McCoy’s ranch Tebow Ranch. I have no idea why.

  5. Karenmc
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 11:40:54

    By all that is wholly awesome, how can a review be so damn funny and horrific at the same time? Bless your heart, Kelly, for reading the book and still being able to type your review (I’m assuming your eyeballs were seared a time or two and have now safely healed).

  6. Kelly (KKJ)
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 11:41:38

    @LeeF:

    How far are you from Austin? The real Kerrville is only 85 miles southwest of there, so maybe you could go and check it out for us and report back?

    If you go, you probably shouldn’t drink the water.

  7. Jenna
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 11:44:18

    Ohh well don’t I feel sheepish. We need a delete post button for when we embarrass ourselves. :)

  8. Kelly (KKJ)
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 11:50:14

    @Jenna:

    The author never explains why she calls it Tebow Ranch – I’m not much of an NFL fan, so I didn’t even get the whole “virgin” connection until now. If the virgin connection was intentional, it sure as hell is ironic.

    If she wrote a book about a male virgin, I would stand up and applaud, but I can pretty much guarantee she never will. She had a post on her blog (excerpts from *that* whole mess of crap coming soon) in which she states that she keeps her heroines pure to reward her manly heroes for their studliness.

  9. Ros
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 11:56:54

    I recently read a Lynne Graham with an IVF/Caesarean virgin mother heroine. Must be catching. Though I must admit, Graham’s book reads like gritty realism in comparison with this.

    Also, she GAVE THE MONEY BACK?! This girl defines TSTL.

    On the other hand, if someone gave me flowers to match my nipples, that would be, um, something.

  10. Cara
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 11:57:10

    Okay, I haven’t finished reading this incredible review yet, but I have a question. I actually see this kind of stuff pretty frequently: To ease his discomfort, Jacob rubbed his swollen dick through his jeans. It wasn’t enough – not by a long shot.

    I’ve asked my husband about this, and he doesn’t really get it, either. When a guy has a hard-on, how would rubbing it “ease the discomfort”? I mean, doesn’t that just stimulate it further? I don’t understand. What am I missing, here? Am I going to have to start posting questions to the rest of the men I know to get an answer?

  11. Ros
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 11:59:51

    @Cara: I am not an expert, but I wonder if it’s a bit like scratching an itch. It doesn’t help, it makes things worse, but you can’t help trying.

  12. Leesa
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 12:03:51

    First off, let me say I am not trying to start any sort of firestorm or argument. I love this website and come here almost daily to read reviews and use Jane’s list of Coming Soon books. Almost all of the reviews here are very well written and I trust them for my book buying. But I feel I must comment on these two reviews on Miss Hunter’s books.
    I have read all of this series. I am not saying these books are fine literature. They clearly are not. We’re not talking Shakespeare or Austen here, ladies. However, I think these reviews go just a tad too far. I mean, seriously, these are self-pubbed books. They are not mainstream. They are not and will never be on the level of some of our best writers in Romancelandia. But, both of these reviews seem snarky and very junior high-ish to me.
    If you don’t like Ms. Hunters work-don’t read it. Why would anyone waste their time reading books that they know they are going to dislike so vehemently only to go to a website and write a review on how much they, indeed, did dislike the book? I guess I just don’t understand that thinking. Sure, F ratings on books are warrented. I just don’t think they require such a “mean girl” slant.
    I feel that books are personal creations and to just tear them down like that is somewhat cruel. I was tweeted this quote this week and thought it very appropriate,”I used to enjoy vicious reviews a lot more before I wrote a book.” This was from Chris Hayes, who appears on MSNBC and is an editor at large at The Nation.
    This is just my personal opinion. It is in no way a reflection on the reviewer, the site owner, readers or anyone else. I just wanted to speak my mind on the matter. Thank you for this forum and allowing me to do that.

    Retweeted by leesa

  13. Kelly (KKJ)
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 12:06:21

    @Cara and @Ros:

    So it’s like the male equivalent of a yeast infection?

    I don’t know how they walk around with those things.

  14. Melissa
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 12:07:27

    This review was hilarious. Kelly, if you were flogging a book of your own, I would buy it based on your “voice” in the review.

    BUT…something bothered me.

    What kind of woman writes shit like that? What kind of woman *reads* shit like that and thinks “oooh, how *sexy,* I’m going to give this book five stars!”??? I really don’t understand, and I really hope I’m not the only one who finds that disturbing.

    There are plenty of romance tropes that are not for me, but I feel uncomfortable judging people for what they find “sexy.” Seems clear that Ms. Sable is writing some over-the-top, crazy sauce stuff, but if someone else finds it appealing, *shrugs* doesn’t bother me.

  15. Leesa
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 12:12:00

    @Melissa:

    Melissa, I so agree with you. Who are we to judge what is ok or not? Isn’t that the type of prejudice romance readers fight and defend daily?

  16. Jane
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 12:12:19

    @Leesa – Thank you for your contribution. These books are self published but they are measured by the same book metric any book that is pubilshed is measured. To do differently is to suggest that the entirety of self published authors must be treated with a special, lowered scale to accommodate their automatically perceived reduced quality books.

    Further, these are books, not sentient beings. We are not mocking the author (although having read her blog posts about awarding virginity to males of worth, there is certainly content worth addressing). While Kelly is making fun of a book, she is also highlighting some harmful and mysognistic messages from the story. The hero is pleased that the heroine’s vagina will stay nice and tight for him, for example.

    These tropes are ones that are distasteful to many and mockery of them is oftentimes the only way to address that distate.

  17. Darlynne
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 12:16:11

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    Oh god. Kelly, you have written my all-time favorite review and I feel hazardous duty pay is required. I’m so sorry, but thank you for reading this and reporting back; I look forward to more.

  18. angelface
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 12:16:16

    Leesa, What is you twitter username? Thanks!

  19. Phyllis
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 12:20:13

    But other than that, was the book any good? ;)

    I’m still back at Tebow Ranch. Do they all get down and pray publicly whenever a camera points at them?

  20. Moriah Jovan
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 12:20:53

    @Leesa:

    I mean, seriously, these are self-pubbed books. They are not mainstream. They are not and will never be on the level of some of our best writers in Romancelandia.

    Leesa, I’m not trying to pile on here, but as a self-published author, this made me cringe. Some of the best writing in romancelandia or elsewhere I’ve read has been self-published and just didn’t “fit” sales matrices. Shoot, not even 50 Shades of Grey would’ve fit sales matrices and look at those sales numbers.

    In any case, I wouldn’t want a bar lowered for my work, although in a few cases, the bar has been RAISED and faults manufactured where there were none.

    Quite frankly, I’m totally thrilled that the “self-published” tag was left off this post.

  21. Kerry
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 12:24:52

    @Leesa: Reading something boring and then whining about voluntarily subjecting yourself to boredom is juvenile. Reading something so terrible you can’t look away is in itself a form of entertainment, as is sharing the experience with others. You are, of course, free to disapprove of the review, as others are free to enjoy it–rather like with books.

    And I have say to how sick I am of “it’s self-pubbed, so it’s mean to have any quality standards.” If someone thinks their words are important enough to make them available for public consumption, especially with a price tag on them, they’re getting rated by the same criteria as everybody else. No matter who the publisher is, the author is always responsible for the writing.

  22. Suz Glo
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 12:32:37

    Thank you, Kelly, for this wonderfully written and hilarious review. I love romance and I certainly appreciate that there are “different tropes for different folks” but this book is, in my opinion, some seriously misogynistic stuff. Thank you for making me laugh about it rather than cry.

  23. KB/KT Grant
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 12:41:34

    Peaches and morsels and honey dew nips, oh my!

    This review is epic greatness. *bows down*

  24. Darlynne
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 12:43:23

    @Leesa: I’m a “different strokes” person myself, but the idea that romance novels, self-published or otherwise, aren’t worthy of being held to any standards is as pejorative and insulting as this entire book appears to have been.

    And can we please stop with the “mean girls” appellation once and for all? This isn’t high school, it’s the cold, cruel world, and Kelly effectively, painstakingly detailed–whatever you think of her methods–exactly what is wrong with this book. She made her case, she brought her “A” game. You disagree. Why can’t that be enough?

  25. Leesa Harmon
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 12:45:12

    @Moriah Jovan:
    I am sorry you feel like I somehow insulted self-pubbing. That was not my intent at all. I am a librarian and I catalog self-pubbed books daily. I also catalog mainstream, big 6 pubbed books all day. Some are better than others. I am not defending self-pubbing in any way. I agree that both ways of publishing should be held to the same standards. Sadly, though, I see many times over that they are not. My only intent was to say that if these books had been written by the best in Romancelandia, these reviews would not read as such. And by the way, you may think I am “whining”-if an opinion other than yours is “whining”, then so be it.

    And Jane, as for this comment-
    Further, these are books, not sentient beings. We are not mocking the author (although having read her blog posts about awarding virginity to males of worth, there is certainly content worth addressing). While Kelly is making fun of a book, she is also highlighting some harmful and mysognistic messages from the story. The hero is pleased that the heroine’s vagina will stay nice and tight for him, for example.

    These tropes are ones that are distasteful to many and mockery of them is oftentimes the only way to address that distate.

    I don’t agree at all. How many historical romances have we all read where the H is so enthralled when he finds out the h is a virgin and then goes on to discuss it ad nauseum throughout the entire book? This type of trope is found in all genres of romance. Miss Hunter is by far not the first one to introduce this way of thinking in a book.

    Books themselves are not sentient beings, but their creation is. And to not review but actually be cruel, is something different altogether.

    But, as another poster above mentioned. This is the most disturbing part of the “review”-

    What kind of woman writes shit like that? What kind of woman *reads* shit like that and thinks “oooh, how *sexy,* I’m going to give this book five stars!”??? I really don’t understand, and I really hope I’m not the only one who finds that disturbing.

    Why are we judging what others read or what tropes others like? I might find BDSM offensive and “shit” as the reviewer, states but I won’t down someone for liking it. We are all free to read what we like. We fight the romance reader prejudice every day and quotes like the one above don’t help.

    Look, this is just my opinion. I know many of you do not agree and that’s fine with me. That’s what forums like this are for.

  26. Leesa Harmon
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 12:47:44

    @Darlynne:

    Darlene, I did disagree. Just like you disagreed with me. Why do you ask if it can be enough? Am I not allowed to state my opinion just like the other posters here?

  27. Leesa Harmon
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 12:48:34

    @angelface:
    Angelface, what’s yours?

  28. KB/KT Grant
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 12:49:04

    Actually this review makes me want to buy this book.

  29. Kelly (KKJ)
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 12:51:22

    @Leesa:

    No firestorm or argument from me – I never expected everyone to enjoy or appreciation this type of review, and I hope any “mean girl” discussions will be directed at me and not Jane.

    I keep reading them because it’s so much fun writing the snotty reviews.

    As I was reading the first book, I was inclined to be more forgiving because it was free and because it was self-published. I wound up paying the $5 for each book, which makes me a paying reader.

    Then I looked at her blog and saw that she is now with Secret Cravings Publishing with several new titles in the works. So while this series was self-published, she now gets paid royalties and works with a editor, a beta reader and a promotions team.

    The meanness really came out as I finished reading the first book and started the second, not because the heroines are virgins, but because the heroines are continually portrayed as childlike morons, unable to function on their own with the assistance and protection of a man. And that’s what makes me feel obligated to rip these books apart, no matter how cruel it might seem. I’m going to address this issue without all the snark soon, but I’m waiting until I finish all four available books to be sure I’m being fair.

    In my day job (yes, I actually have one – I’m on my lunch break), I’m a professional writer and editor. Boring corporate stuff, yes, but over the past 20 years I’ve had plenty of people shredding my own writing. In person. In public. In Letters to the Editor. In front of rooms full of people. Poster-sized, marked up with red Sharpie marker. Occasionally with cigarette ashes involved (old-skool newspaper editor at my very first post-college job – he showed his displeasure during staff meetings by stubbing out his unfiltered Marlboros on that day’s front page).

    I’ve written some pretty crappy stuff, and I still do, but I make an effort to take criticism and learn from my mistakes. Nobody has ever rewarded my bad writing with five-star reviews, retweets and publishing contracts, and I’m not holding my breath they ever will.

  30. Lucy Francis
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 12:53:19

    @Leesa, I can see where you’re coming from. My reader-self is still having a hard time breathing from laughing at the WTFery and the very funny voice of the lovely and talented Kelly, while my writer-self cringes at the thought of having a book on the receiving end of such a review. However, I have to respond to something you said:

    “I mean, seriously, these are self-pubbed books. They are not mainstream. They are not and will never be on the level of some of our best writers in Romancelandia.”

    Please, PLEASE, don’t make that excuse for the author. Just don’t. These aren’t stories Ms. Hunter wrote up on lined paper, stapled together, and passed around to her friends. She is selling them for a very mainstream price of $4.99. She is presenting them as professional works, which must be judged on the same level as traditionally published books.

    I can think of nothing more harmful for self-publishing authors than the idea of a separate judging scale, with reviews saying, “It was amazing, for a self-pub.” or “It was full of awful, sucky things, but it’s forgivable, because it’s a self-pub.” I expect to see a reviewer’s true opinion, without regard to what route an author took to sell the book.

  31. Kelly (KKJ)
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 12:58:02

    Dammit, I meant WITHOUT the assistance and protection of a man.

    I hate it when I have a glaring typo in the middle of a rant about bad writing.

  32. LG
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 13:02:21

    @Leesa Harmon: “My only intent was to say that if these books had been written by the best in Romancelandia, these reviews would not read as such.”

    This sentence makes no sense. The “best in Romancelandia” would not have written something like this. Unless “best” means something different to you than it does to me.

    Traditionally published books get the occasional hilarious review detailing their faults, too. I know there are several on Smart Bitches, Trashy Books that I enjoyed, and I even bought one of the books based on one of those hilarious, snarky reviews. Sometimes I like to read something that’s so crazy, it’s good. In the case of Hot On Her Trail, there are too many things that would make my blood boil for me to want to read it. This review made that clear to me, so I count it as both a hilarious read and a useful one.

  33. Leesa
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 13:02:40

    @Kelly (KKJ):

    Kelly, I am not saying your review was crappy. It’s not. I admit it’s funny. Maybe you have a career writing comedy, who knows?! My only problem was the tone of it and the “mean girl” feel that I felt it perpetuated. This was just my personal opinion, nothing more. Several of the earlier posters took such offense at the “mean girl” tag and yes ladies, I know it’s a cold, cruel, hard world out there. I work out in it every day and have for over 30 years. But “mean girls” do exist. I see them in the workplace every day.

    I just feel that these types of reviews cause a sort of mob mentality on people. People like to instantly agree with what a poster says, and then the pile on begins.

    Why should any of us have to defend what tropes we might or might not like to read in forum where we all sort of agree on what type of genre we like to read? Don’t we have to do enough of that in the real world?

    Again, just my opinion. And I in no way am blaming Jane, Kelly or anyone on this forum. This is not personal. It’s just, like I have said again and again, an opinion. I guess we can agree to disagree, huh?

  34. Lisa J
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 13:04:59

    Okay, I get the dyslexia thing now (I’m debating whether I should end this with a question mark).

    I can’t wait for the plot moppet to grow up and use fruit descriptions. It’s sure to had so much to these books.

    Thanks for taking another one for the team. I’m really looking forward to the Badass.

  35. Darlynne
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 13:06:57

    @Leesa Harmon: Because “mean girl” isn’t about disagreeing. It’s about crying foul for no valid reason other than something is perceived as being mean. Men don’t do this to each other: tough review? Suck it up, battle it out. I am dismayed that we play the “mean” card against each other, that disagreeing isn’t enough.

  36. Leesa
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 13:07:12

    @Lucy Francis:
    Again, let me state for the record, I AM NOT DEFENDING SELF-PUBLISHING. Maybe I was misunderstood. I just don’t think you can compare Miss Hunters writing skills to those writers that are published by the “Big Six.”

    And yes, Lucy, I have read some real CRAP by some really revered, best in the business romance writers and wondered how on earth it got published. Those best writers do put out crap occasionally, too.

    And again, if it “makes your blood boil”, don’t read it. It’s as simple as that. But don’t trash others because they do.

  37. Jane
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 13:11:40

    @Darlynne – I think Leesa’s comment is fair. She perceives this as unnecessary and others disagree.

  38. Isobel Carr
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 13:12:31

    The idea of “purity” being a “reward” for anything (let alone his “studliness”) makes my flesh crawl.

  39. April
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 13:14:48

    This was amazing and so hilarious! I don’t know if I’d be able to get through a book like this one or even the previous installment in this series, but I cannot wait to read your reviews for the sequels.

  40. LG
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 13:17:48

    @Leesa: Ahh, I think I understand now. By “best” you mean “popular.” There are plenty of snarky reviews out there that rip apart bad books by popular Big Six authors – Big Six authors aren’t any more immune to that than self-published authors.

  41. Jane
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 13:18:03

    @Leesa –

    I don’t agree at all. How many historical romances have we all read where the H is so enthralled when he finds out the h is a virgin and then goes on to discuss it ad nauseum throughout the entire book? This type of trope is found in all genres of romance. Miss Hunter is by far not the first one to introduce this way of thinking in a book.

    It’s misogynistic to argue that a man’s reward is purity. It vilifies a woman and her sexuality. In historicals, it is more understandable because those were the mores of the day. In contemporaries, not really. And simply because this is a popular trope doesn’t make it less misogynistic or distasteful. We’ve commented on that before regularly. Misogyny is not sexy.

  42. Leesa Harmon
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 13:20:59

    @Isobel Carr:
    Ms. Carr, I admit I have never read one of your books but don’t you write historical romances? Are the heroines virgins?

  43. Leesa Harmon
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 13:22:13

    @LG:
    Please direct me to one. I admit I have never seen one written like this one towards a big six author. I would love to see it.

  44. Jane
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 13:25:51

    @Leesa – search through the archives here or at Smart Bitches. we’ve railed on plenty of books published by the traditional publishers, digital publishers, and self publishers. I don’t think we need to justify the review further. If you are a long time reader of Dear Author, then you know we are hard on everyone.

  45. leesa
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 13:34:34

    @Jane:
    Jane, I am a long time reader of both yours and Sarah’s site. And I have seen some of what I would deem harsh reviews. And I have never posted about those. To me, they just weren’t as harsh as this one. Both of your sites, as well as many others, have helped me greatly with my book buying.

    As to your post of misogynistic ideas, I think that there probably are a few virgins left out in the world who read contemporary. I don’t think it’s as rare as we think. And I think that there are women who feel that their purity is a gift. Just because we find it funny or amusing does not make it wrong.

    I won’t defend my opinions or justify them any further just as Jane stated about the review. You are the site owner and can delete my posts if you see fit. I just had an opinion to share. Thanks again for your great site and all you do. I really enjoy it and uphold all you do for the romance genre. I hope you don’t mind if I continue to visit.

  46. Jane
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 13:37:26

    @leesa- of course you can continue to visit and disagree. I’m not saying that virginity is not important to some women, but I also don’t think that the idea that men of worth are rewarded with a virgin is a healthy one. Those are two different concepts.

  47. Leesa
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 13:55:37

    @Jane:

    Jane, I just have to ask. What’s a man of worth? Is this kinda like the theme that runs through the BDB books?

  48. Isobel Carr
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 13:56:15

    @Leesa Harmon: Yes, I do write historicals. I mostly write experienced women (courtesans and widows). I’ve written one virgin (and don’t think I’ll ever do so again), and her “purity” certainly wasn’t a “reward” of any kind for anyone.

  49. Jane
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 14:06:14

    @Leesa – I don’t know. Certainly no man should be “rewarded” with a virgin. Sounds very medieval.

  50. leesa
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 14:07:20

    @Isobel Carr:

    Okay, just asking. Thanks!!

  51. RebeccaJ
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 14:31:14

    Kudos, Kelly.

    Usually when I look at the cover and decide it’s not a book I’d buy, I pass on reading the review. However, I scrolled down so far and so long that I thought, “Hmm, what is Kelly trying to pull? I MUST read this review and find out!”

    A few things came to mind:
    1. All Jessie had was the name of the father, Jacob McCoy, and YET she managed to pick the one Jacob McCoy in the country who was a gajillonaire, thus ignoring Jacob McCoy, 7-11 cashier and poor Jacob McCoy, porno actor. I’m guessing her ‘loins’ honed in on the rich guy. Kinda like Loin GPS.
    2. When I read the “orgasming after nipple play” bit, I felt like I was reading a review for a Diana Palmer book set in Jacobsville…and I’m still not convinced I’m not. Heck, the guy’s NAME is Jacob! (big clue;)
    3. And finally a math question: if the ranch is 535,ooo acres and Jessie is pregnant, how many months does it take her to ‘walk into town’ to fill out job applications?

  52. CK
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 14:39:32

    Holy. Guacamole. Sister. Honeydews.

    Kelly, you may think you love me, but I know it because I love you right back. Although, I feel like I owe you at least some sort of chocolate to ease my guilt of enjoying your pain. I’m pretty sure we are destined friend-mates. lol.

    I’d get the ‘mean-girls’ thing and would agree if this type of review was directed to something that was never intended for public consumption (and at a cost).

    Having said that, scathing criticisms are not anything new. I’m sure someone told the first cave painter that his rendering of a mammoth resembled his ass rather than the animal.

    I am rather bothered by the whole mean-girls being directed at adult women who are deliver scathing reviews when I’ve never seen a ‘mean-boys’ for their male counterparts. And don’t get me started on men deserving or being rewarded with female virginity.

  53. becca
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 14:51:00

    @Leesa Harmon: go over to Smart Bitches Trashy Books and look up their reviews of Lora Leigh.

  54. Kelly (KKJ)
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 14:51:00

    My concerns have nothing to do with virginity in any way, shape or form. I’m annoyed by the Virgin = Helpless Doormat connotations. I’m appalled by the incessant infantilizing of EVERY female character.

    Speaking of bad writing, my comment towards the end of the review about “who reads this shit and finds it sexy” obviously needs clarification – I did not intend that as a blanket statement about alpha males, virginal heroines, sexual preferences or the erotic romance genre in general, because I read anything and everything (except paranormals because I get all confused about vampire/werewolf politics).

    My misguided point was referring to the specific incident in which the “hero” pats his honey on the head and REJOICES IN HER UPCOMING MAJOR INVASIVE SURGERY because he DOESN’T WANT HIS OWN SEXUAL PLEASURE DIMINISHED. I honestly do not understand how that could be considered romantic, erotic, or anything other than misogynistic.

    Does the fact that a woman wrote it make it OK? What kind of reaction would there be if a male author wrote such dialogue?

  55. Kelly (KKJ)
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 14:57:39

    @RebeccaJ:

    Kinda like Loin GPS.

    I think I love you. Will you be my review partner?

  56. Leesa
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 14:58:51

    @becca:

    I have and yet her books keep selling like hotcakes. She’s panned everywhere, especially on Amazon and Goodreads. Yet, people keep buying them so someone likes it. Just sayin’. Does that make them good? No. Does that make them bad? No to that, too. Again, it’s all in what you like. Just like TV, movies, etc. If you don’t like it, don’t read it ,watch it. etc.

    I personally am sick to death of the widow trope in romances. I will put them down instantly if the h is one. I am sure I have missed some very good books but it’s all in what I prefer.

  57. cbackson
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 15:00:31

    @Darlynne: Indeed. This is why Snacky’s Law exists.

  58. NCKat
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 15:01:56

    I have to say I thoroughly enjoyed this review and not just for the snarkiness. I’m probably not the target audience for this sort of book as I can’t stand writers who are inconsistent in their logic and show poor research. The virgin as a reward trope does bother me but it bothers me just as much to attempt to read poor editing. If this makes me mean, so be it.

  59. Jane
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 15:02:11

    @Leesa: So what could possibly be your concern about the one negative review here? It is selling. This review will likely sell copies. The review did not address attack the author, but addressed the text exactly. Initially I think I felt defensive, but really, why should we feel guilty for enjoying Kelly’s masterful deconstruction of this misogynistic text? Just like there are several people who are enjoying the book, there are others who don’t.

  60. cbackson
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 15:05:03

    @leesa: Setting aside the use of the term “purity” as a synonym for virginity (which I find troubling in of itself), the issue here isn’t the heroine’s virginity. Yes, I think that in general, it’s important to remember in reviewing romance that one person’s kink is another person’s squick. But that doesn’t mean that blatant misogyny should be ignored. This author is far from the first to get called out for it, and DA hasn’t shied away from criticizing well-known authors and well-loved books for it.

    Honestly, I think that it’s appalling that the hero of a novel written for women is psyched that the heroine will have surgery that *carries a risk of death* because her ladyparts will remain tight for him. If one of my friends told me that her husband said that, I’d never be able to look at him with respect again.

  61. TiceB
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 15:05:33

    This is brilliant, Kelly. Thanks so much for wading through this and writing such an entertaining review of it. You’re a trooper!

  62. Sunita
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 15:06:35

    @Leesa Harmon: I just used the search box on the right to look at F and D reviews at DA. There are three pages of F reviews and eight pages of D reviews. There are Big 6 and Harlequin reviews in each group. I don’t know if you would dislike them in the same way you dislike this one due to its tone and what you think are its mean-girl qualities. But they’re low grades, and the reviews are pretty clear about why they get those grades.

    I don’t write snarky D/F reviews, but then I don’t write snarky reviews generally. That’s my choice. Some of my DA colleagues bring the snark, and that’s their choice. There are plenty of snarky F reviews at Smart Bitches, and some of those are for books by major publishers (check out the review of the late Charlotte Lamb’s last book, for example).

    I know you don’t mean it this way, but commenting on and condemning tone, as opposed to substance, is an old, old way to silence women. It’s all over the intertubes again this week as a slam on genuine criticism of unethical behavior. Maybe we need to bring back that old t-shirt that says “Well Behaved Women Seldom Make History” (and thank you Laurel Thatcher Ulrich for saying it).

    Great review, Kelly!

  63. Leesa
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 15:09:07

    @Kelly (KKJ):

    Kelly, males have been writing fiction that objectifies women for eons. And I guess it’s been panned over the years as well. Is it right for a woman writer to write about what she did about the surgery and such? No, but that was just one part of the whole story.

    As for the nipple inducing orgasm comment, I am currently reading the third 50 Shades and just read that same scene last night. It seems Miss Hunter isn’t the first to use such a scenario nor will she be the last.

    Also, some one above mentioned the “peach nipples”. I read a book recently where the H bought the h a certain pink color roses because they matched the color her vagina! WTF??? It’s all out there, folks.

    I said I wasn’t going to defend myself any more but I guess I lied. Again, the books are not great, long standing literature. They are what they are. There are parts that we all can shake our heads at and laugh about. But reading them and maybe even liking that trope does not make one disgusting or vile.

    And as for the “mean girls” issue, I cannot believe this touched off so many comments. Clearly, some of you are bothered by that. Mean girls do exist, ladies, especially over message boards and internet forums. And out in the real world. I deal with them every day. Maybe we all need to stop and think how we come across.

  64. Cheryl
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 15:11:06

    Sweet Jesus Honey Dews.

  65. Leesa
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 15:12:52

    @Sunita:

    I think in this country, I am free to comment on any tone I choose to. I don’t think I was personally harsh to Kelly or anyone else. Please don’t try to make this personal. It is not. I am proud to say that I am very left leaning liberal woman and will defend to the death your right to read AND write anything you wish. As I will defend my own right as well. I have NEVER tried to silence anyone, male or female and I never will. I would expect others to give me that right as well.

  66. Jane
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 15:18:08

    @Leesa – I don’t think that anyone has stopped you from commenting. I count many comments by you here in this thread.

    Saying someone is being personal (i.e. accusing Sunita of that) doesn’t actually turn her comments into a personal attack but nice try on the rhetorical device.

  67. Leesa
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 15:19:47

    @Jane:

    Jane, I don’t want to you feel guilty. Clearly, I need to stop as this is getting turned personal and it is not nor never was meant to be. I think my original post speaks for what I felt was wrong about the review. It’s funny. It’s well written. I just simply don’t agree with it and I don’t agree with calling others reading preferences disgusting or shit.

    I am sorry if I offended anyone here with my personal opinions. I must say I enjoyed reading yours and I am glad to see people willing to stand up for what they believe in. Clearly, I am in the minority and need to move on. Thanks again, Jane, for your forum and allowing me to speak my mind. I will continue to enjoy your great site.

  68. Leesa
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 15:20:35

    @Jane:

    It wasn’t a rhetorical device at all, just fact.

  69. Sunita
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 15:22:24

    @Leesa: Please reread what I wrote.

    I said

    I know you don’t mean it this way

    I was not being sarcastic, I do NOT believe you meant it that way. But when tone is invoked as particularly important, it has the effect, whether intentional or not, of diverting attention from the substance.

  70. Coleen Scott
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 15:31:34

    This was my day: Full meeting schedule, Planning team isn’t giving the info I need, unintelligible emails left and right. A full-blown row breaks out between two members of my team, and my direct report (a total superstar on my team) quits to spend more time with her kids.

    Then I read this review. And my day was redeemed.

    MAYBE (in one million years, frozen hell, etc. etc.) I could overlook the factual errors, ridonk stereotypes, childish plotting, and complete lack of believability. But when I hit the 6″ girth on his Texas Ranger, I lost it. All I could think was that I’d like this man to come over to my house … and aerate my lawn with that puppy.

    Traditional pub, self-pub, fiction, non-fiction – it doesn’t matter. This is simple failure to exercise the basics in the craft of writing. Part of me hopes the author never sees this. Another part hopes they see it, cry it out, then come back and learn from this. I live in hope.

    But seriously – thanks again for being the brightest point in a lousy workday.

  71. KarenH
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 15:32:12

    @Leesa:

    I’m having a hard time reconciling your statement that Dear Author nor Smart Bitches ever reviews big 6 authors harshly, given their history in bringing light to bear on the flagrant and massive plagiarism by author Cassie Edwards. They hardly tread lightly there.

    Plus any time any mention of Diana Galbaldon’s Outlander series is made, the criticism is harsh and punches unpulled.

    I don’t think this review of Hunter’s book is any more harsh than any other F or D reviews on Dear Author.

  72. chris booklover
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 15:35:24

    @KB/KT Grant:

    Exactly. I had not heard of this author before, but I am far more inclined to read her work after reading the two reviews. At least I know it won’t be boring. :) Conversely, there are some favorable reviews that make me LESS interested in reading the books in question.

  73. KB/KT Grant
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 15:39:34

    @chris booklover:

    I read the first book in this series and it was chock full of the same type of WTF issues mentioned here. But for some odd reason I enjoyed it. Perhaps Sable wrote the book this way on purpose as a tongue in cheek romance, because seriously, the plot and characters cannot be taken seriously, especially when dealing with peach nipples and hoo haa dew melons. I was ready to buy Hot on Her Trail because of this review but not at $4.99. maybe at $1.99.

  74. Kelly (KKJ)
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 15:53:18

    @Leesa: @Leesa:

    But reading them and maybe even liking that trope does not make one disgusting or vile.

    If you’re still out there, I’m confused about how you’re using the word “tropes.” I consider tropes to be either commonly used forms of word usage (my personal preference is alliteration) or – more to the point here – plots, characters, scenes or themes that help define a genre (widows, virgins, alpha males, etc.).

    I don’t think Yay! C-section! would qualify as a trope. And I *never* said agreeing with such a sentiment would make a reader vile or disgusting, and I sincerely apologize to anyone who read it that way. What I said (in the review and clarified in the comment you replied to) was that *that specific scene* struck me as extremely disturbing to me. Which comes right back to the “maybe we all need to stop and think how we come across” circular logic.

    That said – and I’m NOT being smarmy here – thank you for reading both reviews even though you didn’t enjoy them. I appreciate that you took the time to evaluate what I wrote and took the risk of sharing your opinion, because sometimes that takes more balls than writing the snark in the first place.

  75. Kelly (KKJ)
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 16:01:24

    Good lord, I need a proofreader for my comments. Way to go me for completely undermining my own credibility. *smacks forehead*

    I’m obviously way past due for my afternoon cookie break.

  76. Darlynne
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 16:11:31

    @cbackson: I learn new things every day. Thank you.

  77. Jeannie S.
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 16:29:02

    “Shhhhh, be vewwy, vewwy quiet. I’m hunting virgins.” Elmer Fudd this time. Sorry.

    I lost it when I read this … Seriously, I am laughing so hard tears are rolling down my eyes. Probably the best thing I have read today, or even this week.

  78. angelface
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 16:35:06

    @Leesa, Never mind. I found it. I happen to agree with you, and will be following you on Twitter.

  79. Leesa
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 17:14:38

    @KarenH:

    I don’t think, if you will go back and read my statement, that I ever said SBTB or DA never reviewed the Big 6 authors harshly. I said they HAD and I had read those reviews. Many of them. I read the whole Cassie Edwards thing as well and the latest with the YA blogger. Both sites DO review everyone equally, be they well know or not. However, as I said, SOME (many) do not.

  80. Leesa
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 17:16:26

    @Sunita:

    Sunita, clearly you and I don’t interpret statements the same way.

  81. Leesa
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 17:26:57

    @Kelly (KKJ):

    Kelly, thank you for this.

    That said – and I’m NOT being smarmy here – thank you for reading both reviews even though you didn’t enjoy them. I appreciate that you took the time to evaluate what I wrote and took the risk of sharing your opinion, because sometimes that takes more balls than writing the snark in the first place.

    I won’t comment any longer. I think Kelly totally gets what I was trying to say and I so appreciate her for that. It wasn’t personal to her at all-just how I felt about the tone of the review. I again, as I have stated before, appreciate this forum and allowing me to speak my mind.

    I think I will head over to the What to read next after 50 Shades thread and hopefully add some new titles to my TBR pile!

    Leesa

  82. Sofie
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 17:44:46

    Kelly,

    I’m loving your reviews. I don’t think there is anything mean about your tone and I look forward to your next review.

    I’m wondering if the voodoo priestess is going to be interracial and will she be a virgin. Based on my knowledge of voodoo and sexuality within the voodoo religion, a white, virgin voodoo priestess is as rare as a dyslexic pregnant virgin who reads erotica an compiles list of sexual acts for future experimenting. So how is that going to work?

  83. RebeccaJ
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 19:04:35

    This review is a lot like Rebecca Black’s Friday song. My apologies, Kelly;), but what I mean by that is the more the song (and the ‘singer’) was panned on the internet, the more attention it got and the more it sold. And like someone said the book is selling regardless of this review, so it’s all good.

  84. Kelly (KKJ)
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 19:41:18

    @Sofie:

    I’m wondering if the voodoo priestess is going to be interracial and will she be a virgin.

    Yes and yes. She’s also several other things, but you’ll have to wait until the next review for that :-)

    And thanks for the heads up – I’ll have to do some research on the demographics of voodoo….

  85. Jackie Barbosa
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 19:45:43

    @Leesa:

    Again, let me state for the record, I AM NOT DEFENDING SELF-PUBLISHING. Maybe I was misunderstood. I just don’t think you can compare Miss Hunters writing skills to those writers that are published by the “Big Six.”

    Clearly, you are not defending self-publishing and self-published authors. You are, in fact, insulting them. Quite loudly and vigorously.

    What you are saying is that we shouldn’t compare the writing of self-published authors to the writing of authors who are published by major publishing companies. I beg to differ. Loudly and vigorously. Not only *can* self-published books be compared to those published by major houses, they *should* be. This does not mean that we should expect self-published books to have the broad marketability and appeal of NY published titles (one of the reasons self-publishing is fantastic is that it allows authors to push the envelope beyond where major publishers are willing to go), but when it comes to the quality of the writing, the editing, and the story, self-published books should absolutely be expected to be “compared” to house-published books. And if they don’t stand up to that comparison, then the author had better be willing to take the lumps, since he/she is the responsible party.

    If authors can’t accept those rules, then IMO they shouldn’t be in the self-publishing game.

    P.S. I self-publish.

    [Edited to close quote tag]

  86. Jackie Barbosa
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 19:46:27

    Damn it. Forgot to end my blockquote. My kingdom for an edit button!

  87. Ridley
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 19:51:58

    Figures that the rare day I’m out of the house all day would be the day a tone troll monopolizes a review thread.

    I’m sorry I missed it.

  88. Shiloh Walker
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 20:04:36

    Okay, I’m not wading through all of these comments… I just can’t handle the whiplash right now,especially after the …ah… book.

    But i saw some of the… ‘it’s self published, it’s not going to be up to…’

    And I’ve got to call BS.

    I’m sorry, but the resources are out there to get selfpublished work up to very high standards… if the writer chooses to look. Now some aren’t going to look. Some might not know. But that’s willful ignorance in this day and age.

    That might sound harsh, but it is.

    You can buy ready made, decent covers for a decent price.

    You can generally get a somewhat affordable edit that focuses on plot that would address certain… ah… issues. And yes, I say somewhat, but if you’re a writer who is serious about your work, then you have to be willing to invest in it. That’s the thing with self publishing. If you’re not willing to invest it, then you’re not taking your career seriously, which means when reviews like this roll up?

    The writer just has to haul up her big girl panties and deal.

    But that’s all we can do anyway.

    That’s just my two cents as somebody who has done them all… self pubbed, traditional, digital, etc, etc, etc.

    I agree with Jackie…authors like Courtney Milan, Ilona Andrews, Lynn Viehl have shown me that authors can do the self pubbed route very, very well. Lynn Viehl has been doing free stories for long than somebody have even known about ebooks and Courtney & Ilona have done some self pubbed works that are just amazing.

    Yes, they were published traditionally but the resources to do it well are out there. They aren’t hiding.

    If authors aren’t finding them, it’s because they aren’t looking.

  89. erinf1
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 20:20:02

    Holy macaroni!

    Kelly – your review was awesome. I made the mistake of reading this at work and couldn’t explain to my coworker why I was laughing so hard :) What a train wreck! and I’m half tempted to go read it just to be a train wreck gawker.

    Add my siiiigh over the comment thread and that’s all I’m going to add to…… that. It’s so hard to read those comments and then the relevant, salient responses and not wince for that original person.

  90. DA_January
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 21:31:07

    @Leesa:

    I still want to know what book it was that the heroine’s pink vagina matches the bouquet of flowers.

  91. Dani Alexander
    Apr 28, 2012 @ 01:15:28

    @DA_January:

    I still want to know what book it was that the heroine’s pink vagina matches the bouquet of flowers.

    Oh hell yes. Me too.

    For, um, researching purposes…

    *whistles*

  92. Anna Cowan
    Apr 28, 2012 @ 05:28:20

    I had to get out my tape measure to help me fully appreciate the 9x6er. As long as the 6 inches is circumference, that doesn’t actually seem too ridiculous, but 9 inches long… Hey, I’m sure some guys have em, but I’m not so sure I’d want it near me (or be able to accurately size it from across a barn while it was, er, in motion).

  93. Jez Morrrow
    Apr 28, 2012 @ 10:36:26

    @Anna Cowan: Anna! You mean I’m not the only one who got out the tape measure? I did worse. I did math. If the steel rod has a circumference of 6 inches, the diameter is 1.909 inches. Oy. Somebody help me.

  94. Kelly (KKJ)
    Apr 28, 2012 @ 11:04:41

    @Jez Morrow:

    If they had story problems like *that* in school, math would have been a hell of a lot more fun.

    @Dani Alexander:

    For, um, researching purposes…

    But I thought you write m/m romance…. Ohhhhhh, no. Please, no. Please don’t go there. Unless you make it a mashup and send your characters to Kerrville.

  95. DianeN
    Apr 28, 2012 @ 13:41:37

    After reading both of her guest reviews, I just have to say it’s not Sable Hunter’s writing that enthralls me, it’s Kelly’s. I suspect she could review the proverbial telephone book and have me clamoring for more! Well done, Kelly.

  96. riga
    Apr 28, 2012 @ 15:06:02

    When I was typing in the url for the site, I thought to myself, self, I am in the mood for an F review today. And voila! The internets provide.

    And it was fabulous.

  97. Teri P
    Apr 28, 2012 @ 23:46:10

    I am not here to debate self pubbing, but just to say that this review had me rolling on the floor in hysterical laughter! Honestly, it’s the best bad review I have ever read. I am willing to bet this review will add to sales of this book, rather than take away from sales. I may have to buy it just so I can compare the review to the book! Thanks for another crazy, amazingly entertaining review.

  98. Elizabeth McCoy
    Apr 29, 2012 @ 00:57:10

    As a McCoy from Texas, I feel obligated to apologize for that… Um. Well, that. Just as soon as I finish unclenching. No dismayed ASCII faces in the world can match my expression right now.

    Thank you for that most informative review! I hope the psychic wounds heal quickly.

  99. Nithu
    Apr 29, 2012 @ 05:32:19

    I can only assume that all the people on Amazon and Goodreads that have rated this book at 4 or 5 stars are ‘dyslexic’ in the same way that Jessie is: functionally illiterate, but still able to read romance novels and that, as in Jessie’s case, it has also rendered them ‘fucking clueless’!

  100. Dani Alexander
    Apr 29, 2012 @ 05:44:22

    @Kelly (KKJ):

    But I thought you write m/m romance…. Ohhhhhh, no. Please, no. Please don’t go there. Unless you make it a mashup and send your characters to Kerrville.

    I do. But I plan on writing f/f and m/f at some point. And now I know my heroines will be called Pinky, Rose, Red, Burgundy, Wine etc–all based on the colors of their nipples.

    *waggle*

    ;) You know you want this. Don’t lie.

  101. what’s in a name? (quite a lot, as it turns out) | diary of a(n accidental) housewife
    Apr 29, 2012 @ 22:47:08

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  103. marie
    Aug 11, 2012 @ 12:31:15

    @NCKat:

    Well I guess an editor has to do what the author demands to be done and if said author refuses to listen to an editor there isn’t anything for the editor to do but allow it to be self published….

  104. marie
    Aug 11, 2012 @ 12:37:44

    @Jane:

    There was at one time a TEBOW ranch in deep east TX the folks who owned it used to grow peaches and you could buy them by the box (self -picked) they tasted wonderful too. I think this is where the name came from since in other books there are east TX references Sam Rayburn Lake (Unchained Melody), Redlands (Redland Rounders of the Trouble book) it is a little spot between Lufkin and Nachodoches, Toledo Bend lake and the National Forest Area around it (My Aleigh)…..I think Ms. Hunter has people from this area.

    But TEBOW in NO way reflects towards Tim Tobow I am pretty sure of that..

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