Dear Ms. Beck,
One of the great things about self publishing is that books that don’t fit the mold can still find an audience. Unfortunately for readers, this also means that a great many things that should remain unpublished are now available for consumption. This book series falls into the latter category. I’m not sure who would be the target audience for this ‘erotica’ series. It’s not sexy. It’s not funny. It’s just strange and bizarre.
Dumpsterotica: How Dirty Are You was free on Kindle. It had a cute cover. It certainly had a title that made me look twice. And I figured that a romance involving a dumpster was either going to be hysterically funny or just plain weird. This falls into the ‘weird’ category. I told Jane about it, and she asked me to read the sequels and review the group for Dear Author. I agreed. As a warning to anyone reading on, please don’t eat anything while reading this review. Not because I think it will be hilarious, but because I think you will lose your appetite.
There are three books in the Dumpsterotica series: Dumpsterotica: How Dirty Are You, Dumpsterotica: Talk Dirty To Me, and Dumpsterotica: A Hole In One. I’m going to do a short review of each one.
Dumpsterotica: How Dirty Are You is about Joe and Marcia. They have been married for a few years and are experiencing marital problems. Marcia doesn’t want to have sex. Joe has to wine her and dine her beforehand, get her drunk, and then go home and have sex. Marcia also seems incapable of orgasm. Marcia doesn’t want to have sex with Joe because she is too busy constantly masturbating with her electric toothbrush. Yes, you read that correctly. She masturbates at work with the toothbrush, and at home with it, several times a day. This is the only way she can come.
Later on, Joe and Marcia are at the restaurant and Marcia is drunk and loud and getting horny. They stumble outside and she begins to try and go down on her husband. He drags Marcia behind the restaurant to get away from prying eyes and they see a police cruiser, so they get into the dumpster. They proceed to make love in the midst of all the garbage.
He looked down and saw Marcia rubbing a banana peel all over her ass.
Still clamped inside her and coming down off the sex high and the booze, Joe took a good look around. His suit pants were under a bag of bagels. Marcia balanced herself on a few torn bags of food garbage dominated by white paper cups with a coffee shop’s logo on them. Coffee grounds dotted his thighs and his wife was now writhing, her ass glowing in the open air, his cock stuck insider her while she rubbed a damn banana peel all over herself.
They get home, unable to talk about what happened. Marcia finds herself turned on so goes into the bathroom and uses her electric toothbrush on herself as well as her curling iron. Joe walks in and catches her with her curling iron shoved up her vagina, a cliffhanger to entice you to buy book two. This is very short (less than twenty pages) and is clearly to entice readers to read the next two books in the series.
Dumpsterotica: Talk Dirty to Me begins where the last story left off. Joe finds Marcia masturbating and when he finds out how often and how frequently, he is furious with her.
“So all these years your goddamn toothbrush has been getting more sex than I have? You turn me down, you claim you’re tired, you throw me a blow job here and there and I have to blow $100 on a bottle of champagne to get you to fuck me once a month, but you use the Health and Beauty aisle at the drugstore like your own personal sex toy catalog?”
Marcia is devastated that her husband has caught her and that he’s upset with her. She knows her inability to come is not normal and she has a lot of hang-ups, and she’s upset that Joe is so angry. Joe decides that he’s going to save his marriage. He goes and gets the garbage from outside and spreads it out over their bed.
Joe laughed, a wicked, defiant sound that made her pulse quicken, a deep throb forming in her clitoris. Sweeping the pillow and her old tampons aside stirred a scent of rotten steak and she cringed.
“This isn’t exactly what I-” and then his mouth was on her, between her long-suffering thighs, tongue lightly dancing on her pulsing red nub, soothing the burn and stirring the fire all at once. She inhaled the scent of garbage, rotten chicken and blood and aloe-scented tissues and limp celery – and began to gag.
But Marcia finds that she still cannot come in the garbage on their bed. She needs something more. When Joe catches her masturbating at work with her toothbrush again, they decide they need marriage counseling. When they see the marriage counselor, though, he makes things worse. He’s unprofessional and weird and thinks Marcia is a freak. He knows she is the woman that got her toothbrush stuck inside her vagina and had to go to the emergency room. Marcia is upset and begins to cry. This causes Joe to get defensive of her – she is his freak. He ends up attacking the counselor, and they go to another dumpster and have sex together again. He does not mind that Marcia is a freak as long as he gets plenty of sex with her.
Dumpsterotica: A Hole In One is the third episode in this series. Joe has decided to rent a dumpster for their front lawn so he can have sex with Marcia whenever they like. Marcia is worried their neighbor will not approve of the dumpster and sue them. Joe chats with the local cops and makes sure that he has approval for the dumpster, and then he sets to filling it. He has to steal trash by transporting it in his Prius, and brings it home to show his wife.
“Joe.” She drew out his name, her voice lifting up slight at the end, the syllable lasting four seconds but taking up half her head. “What on earth are you doing?”
Leaning in for a kiss, he laughed.Cringing, she darted to the right.
A giant chunk of greenish-white mold, the kind that forms on the top of liquid, covered his cheekbone.
They attempt to have sex inside the house like normal people, but Marcia still cannot come. That night, they sneak out to the dumpster and begin to have sex. The neighbor catches them and jerks off on the side of the dumpster and gets some on Marcia and Joe. They are naturally upset at the neighbor catching them having sex and the dumpster in front of the house is ruined for them. They go in search of a new dumpster behind a restaurant, and select a donut shop the next night, and make love amongst the donut garbage.
She made a tsk tsk gesture with her finger, then stretched back slowly. Now she was the one holding a frosted donut – directly over her spread-wide pussy, the donut’s hole centered perfectly. Candy sprinkles dotted the pink frosting, turning her vagina into a pot o’ gold at the center of a rainbow.
And Joe was ready to exercise his luck o’ the Irish.
“Have you ever made a hole in one, Joe?” she asked ,her voice smoky and provocative, like a phone sex operator ad. “If you can get a hole in one, you might make par for the night.”
Aiming carefully, Joe plunged inside Marcia, the soft dough pushing against his balls and her vulva. An urgency pushed him to go deeper, the normal sensation of filling her mitigated by the ever-flattening donuts’ thickness. In, out, in, out he thrust, smashing the [donut] ring against her taint and lips until he arched his hips slightly, slid up into her and she came with a fiery explosion, a nuclear climax that drove her body deep into a ripped bag of jelly donuts, congealed red filling covering her head, making her look like an extra in a zombie movie.
The story ends with Marcia and Joe happy with their new-found strength in their relationship, of course. Joe gets all the sex he wants as long as he can find Marcia a sufficiently dirty dumpster.
These are billed as erotic comedies. As erotica, they failed at every level. Not only were the descriptions disgusting, but the sex itself was ridiculous and full of purple prose. The descriptions of genitalia were mentioned in the most unsexy way possible. Neither Joe nor Marcia seemed happy in their relationship. In addition, the stories aren’t funny. Bizarre, yes. Funny, no. There are a lot of shocking things mentioned in the story – the psycho counselor, the subplot with the gay cops, the toothbrush – but I didn’t find them funny. Just strange.
The subtext of the story was terrible – that Marcia is the one responsible for all their marital problems because she cannot orgasm. Marcia’s crippling OCD is laughed at in the third book (she is a compulsive hand washer and is tweezing her yard). I found myself pitying Marcia more than anything else. She doesn’t need sex in a dumpster or a toothbrush or even Joe – she needs a good psychiatrist. But instead, she is painted as an object of ridicule and someone we can laugh at.
I also do not normally speculate on the gender of the author, but I have to wonder if these were written by a man. I feel that is unfair to bring up, and yet at the same time,
[spoiler effect=”blind”] when Marcia uses the bristles of her electric toothbrush on her clit and then her g-spot, I thought a man wrote this. Or when Marcia shoved her entire curling iron into her vagina and only the cord is sticking out like a tampon string. Again, I thought that a man had written this. The worst is when, at the end of the third book, Joe pushes an entire dumpster cruller (donut) into her vagina and then eats it. In the epilogue, Marcia is cheerfully at the doctor for the worst yeast infection ever, and she is happy and content… I think to myself that no woman would ever write this.[/spoiler]
What grade can I give this? What else but an F all around.