Dear Author » Jaiku

Haiku Review: Song of the Nile by Stephanie Dray

Jaiku — Thu, 29 Sep 2011 09:00:33 +0000

(Lots of spoilers ahead – beware!)

What happened here, Dray?
Your first book was so very good.
This one screwed the pooch.

In first book, Selene
takes control of her own fate
ends on happy note

this book takes that book
and pretty much destroys it
I hated each page

On her wedding night
to Juba, Selene is raped
by Octavian

She tells her new spouse

He says, I know, I let him

do it. Sorry ’bout that.

Me: What the fucking
fuck just happened in this book?
Seriously now.

If that were not bad
enough, Selene runs from this
to her brother’s arms

They have sex. A lot.
This plot goes from bad to worse.
Hero is her BRO???

Plot continues down
Octavian offers her
Egypt if they fuck.

Selene must decide
Egypt or her new kingdom?
Whore to her rapist?

This plot is just gross
Entire book is about
“Will she or won’t she?”

Selene wants Egypt
So very bad. She teases and leads
on Octavian

Would rather read a
book about a strong queen or
historical stuff

Not brother love. Not
flirting with her rapist. Not
any of this. At all.

I am so, so sad
I love your writing and voice
WHY did you write this?

I loved your first book
Cannot recommend this one
Wish I could. Sorry.

Haiku Review: Lily of the Nile by Stephanie Dray

Jaiku — Wed, 05 Jan 2011 21:00:30 +0000

We briefly enjoyed regular haiku reviews and then our haiku-ist retired. Over Christmas, I found this in my inbox. How fun, right? Bring back the haiku review.

Lovely cover art
Plus Cleopatra’s daughter
Equals auto-buy

You know your Romans.
Wikipedia research?
Not here. The real deal.

Young orphan Selene
The Isis cult sees her as their
savior, last chance

Goddess speaks through her
But is Selene brave enough
to defy Caesar?

Subplot with brother
Kinda reminds me
Flowers… Attic…Ick.

Lucky for readers
Does not go VC Andrews
Grateful for sidestep

There’s hints of romance
But the plot is all about
Selene’s survival

Really enjoyed this
Ending is a cliffhanger
Sets up for sequel

Would I recommend?
As Mama Grizzly would say
You betcha I do!

My grade: B

Thursday Afternoon Haiku Moment: City of Bones by Cassandra Clare

Jaiku — Thu, 28 May 2009 22:00:16 +0000

Beware: There May Be Spoilers Ahoy.

I’m going in blind
Never read your HP fic
Bought for hot cover

Looking for a fix
I need a new series to
Get my ‘crack’ fix on

Sorry – this ain’t it
I tried, I really did try
But you soon lost me

Here’s a quick recap
Clary sees a cute boy at
a club…and he’s killed

But his killers? Hot!
And only Clary sees them!
Plot unfolds from there.

Right away, I have
Many, many issues with
Heroine Clary

She’s a hardcore Sue.
Clary Sue can see ‘Hunters
She is SPECIAL, guys!

- Show quoted text -
Miss Perfect? Miss Chosen One?
Misses the big clues

SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER (maybe this should be spoiler-cut all the way to
the end)

Clary Sue’s mom was
Married to the bad guy and
Then ran away, hid.

Never told Clary
Sue about her missing dad.
Big “Who is dad” plot.

IT’S THE BAD GUY. WHY CAN NO ONE SEE THIS BUT ME. WTF.

Ahem. Sorry. Cough.
That’s the big ‘gasp’ plot reveal
She is evil’s kid.

Cue lots of ‘oh noes’
And then? Epic wallbanger
moment happens here.

Hot hero guy Jace?
She’s been kissing? Get ready.
‘Nother big reveal

Won’t spoil it here but
It rhymes with TWINCEST. So. Yeah.
Book hits wall. I’m done.

DNF.

This book can be purchased in mass market from an independent bookstore or ebook format from the Sony Store and other etailers.

Thursday Afternoon Haiku Moment: Day By Day Armageddon by J. L. Bourne

Jaiku — Thu, 14 May 2009 21:00:13 +0000

It’s not romance fare
But if you like zombies, well
This rec is for you

Small indie press book
Think it started out as blog?
Now is a cult hit.

Ignore the cover
(I think it is hideous)
Book is engrossing.

Written diary
Soldier’s viewpoint of zombie
Apocalypse. Yay!

Jaiku loves zombies.
But not cutesy, funny ones.
Give me horror please!

This delivers it.
Kinda LIFE AS WE KNEW IT,
Soldier/zombie style.

Story is intense
Diary details hero’s
Struggle to survive

Not the best written
But it succeeds in painting
Very visceral scene

Editing is weird
Typos are left in because
Gives a more ‘real’ feel

Going to pretend
The cheesy photos were not
At the back of book

(Acting out the zombie apocalypse. Sigh.)

As zombie purist
I enjoyed this book a lot
Grim and relentless

How a zombie book
Should be, right? Not an upbeat
Read but still gripping.

Over two hundred
Pleased reviews on Amazon.
And I agree too.

This book can be purchased in mass market from an independent bookstore or ebook format from the Sony Store and other etailers.

Thursday Haiku Moment: True Love and Other Disasters by Rachel Gibson

Jaiku — Fri, 08 May 2009 03:31:33 +0000

You are new to me
And I love a good contemp
(And hockey heroes)

Sadly, this was not
The read I was looking for.
Almost, but not quite.

Faith is ex-Playboy
Bunny and stripper who wed
A millionaire

Sound familiar?
Yep. It’s a romance spin of
Anna Nicole Smith.

But Faith is ‘special’.
Because she loved the geezer
Not just his money.

The geezer bumps off
And leaves Faith his hockey team.
(Sounds like SEP)

Team Captain Hero
You saw this coming a mile
away, didn’t you?

They bicker, smolder
And eventually land
in bed together

Predictable plot.
I’ll spare you all the rehash.
Carebear ending too.

My main problem? Faith.
Kept waiting for her to grow
A spine. Still waiting.

The story conflict?
‘Evil’ son of tycoon who
Bullies heroine.

Faith is also very
Nonchalant about stripping
But in a weird way.

Players would treat her
Like a ho, but she was fine
With it…why? Oh wait.

Her thought? She DESERVES
The lewd comments. She took off
her clothes for money.

She is fine with her
Sexuality…but dresses
Like a dowdy nun.

Her fogey husband
Wanted a lady, you see!
Not a stripper ho.

So to recap Faith:
No spine. Gold digger. Moral
Stripper. Nun Wardrobe.

Don’t get me started
On Layla, Faith’s ‘bad’ stripper
alter-ego. Ugh.

Your writing style? Cute.
Could have been a great story.
But I am unmoved.

This book can be purchased in mass market from an independent bookstore or ebook format from the Sony Store and other etailers.

Thursday Afternoon Haiku Moment: Lover Avenged by JR Ward

Jaiku — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 10:00:07 +0000

You are Chris Brown to
my Rihanna – it hurts but
here I come again

I keep saying that
I am off the wagon, and
Yet I read this book

‘Read’ is not correct
More like ‘devoured it whole’ or
‘inhaled’ or ‘wolfed down’

This book’s not a fave
But I liked it far better
Than poor Phury’s book

Ehlena is the
Love interest to Rehvenge.
Nurse and nurturer

Rehvenge is emo
I mean, the hero. He feels
Not worthy of love.

Buying this for the
Romance? It felt a little
Too ‘teenage’ to me

The slang gets worse too
‘Freshies’ and ‘stillies’ and all
that drives me nutsies

We get a small taste
Of Rehv’s story in Phury’s
Book, expanded here

Symphaths and drug lords
And evil princess, oh my!
(oh, and an angel)

There were so many things
I liked about this book, yet
I am left wanting

Five main storylines
We have Rehv, and Wrath and Lash
John Matthew and Tohr

Rehv reminded me
Of Z with “I’m not worthy”
Mere coincidence?

I thought so too…but
Then Xhex’s storyline? I’d
Seen it before. Dunno.

Book felt…too crowded.
Just when I got invested,
plot shifted again

And, your heroines…
Sigh. As before, they feel weak
& barely show up.

Lash is obviously
A fave of yours. Not mine. I
skipped his parts (sorry)

I think my issue
I am too big of a fan.
Standards are way high

Is this a good read?
Absolutely. Worth hardback
Price? To me it was.

Am I satisfied?
Nope. I want love as focus
Not as a side plot

I was happy at end
But my lingering doubts are
Still here, lingering

AVENGED is thrilling
A sexy, fast-paced read, but
I miss the romance

B-/C+

This book can be purchased in mass market from an independent bookstore or ebook format from the Sony Store and other etailers on April 28, 2009.

Thursday Afternoon Haiku Moment: Beyond Heaving Bosoms by Sarah Wendell and Candy Tan

Jaiku — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 22:12:37 +0000

What can I say that
Has not already been said
By Joan’s fab review?

Not a non-fic fan
Was not expecting to like
As much as I did

For me, the best joke?
The list of eye-colors for
Building a hero

Best, that is, until
I saw the "heroines list’
Then I wept laughter

But-then I kept going
And giggled at "alpholes’ and
The dictionary

By the time I came
To "Choose Your Own Adventure’
And Chapter 30?

I HEART YOU, Bitches.
Take my fifteen dollars, cause
It was so worth it.

This book was breezy,
Smart but irreverent, light
But very filling.

I learned a lot, too.
Like Candy’s Pirate fetish
Sarah’s is secret
(my vote is for sheikh romances)

If I had to bitch
About something, I’d have made
Following changes:

One: Loved, loved the list
Of heroine types. But there’s
No hero types list?

Two: Chapter on your
Blog kerfluffles. Bit odd
In a reference guide

Despite my nitpicks
This was well worth the money
And an A from me.

So when does the Bitch
Encyclopedia of
Romance come out, hmm?

This book can be purchased in trade format from your favorite independent bookstore or ebook format from the Sony Store and other etailers.

Thursday Afternoon Haiku Moment: Smooth Talking Stranger by Lisa Kleypas

Jaiku — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 15:30:57 +0000

I am a big fan
You are on my auto-buy
I love your writing

Am less of a fan
Of your contemporaries
But still a fun read

My fave was the first
Loved Sugar Daddy. But the next
Was a little dark.

STS is a
Return to light and happy
But remains poignant

Ella – ‘Dear Abby’ type
But ‘Miss Independent’ is
Not so much her name

Had a rough childhood
Learned to blend with surroundings
Caves to a stronger man

Vegan hippie Dane?
Ella’s boyfriend and the worst
Character ever.

I struggled to start book
Until Jack appeared on page
And then I am hooked

Typical Kleypas
Hero – hot, emotional,
And devoted. Yum.

Sometimes this book feels
More like Luke and Ella’s tale
Than a real romance

Ella does not feel
Strong to me. My main complaint.
Kept waiting for strength

(still waiting)

The baby plot is
Pretty much entire novel
Don’t like kids? Avoid.

Will she get to keep
The baby? Won’t she? Who knows.
Plot makes me anxious.

Stomach stays knotted
As I read. I do not see
How it can end well.

Kleypas pulls out a
Happy end, though, never fear
Put away Pepto.

Those who like baby
Stories? This is an ideal
Read for you. B grade.

This book can be purchased in hardcover from Amazon. No ebook format.

Thursday Afternoon Haiku “The Watchmen” Graphic Novel by Alan Moore (writer) & Dave Gibbons

Jaiku — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 21:32:46 +0000

This? Legendary.
At least to comic book fans
I am piqued by hype

First impression: LOOOOOOOONG.
Story is intricate and
Convoluted too.

Quick recap for newbs:
Watchmen used to be heroes
Govt made them retire

One ends up murdered
The others reunite to
Try and save the world.

The heroes are a
Bit hard to like. Let’s recap:
Rorschach? Psychotic.

Silk Spectre II? Only
Girl and romantic interest
She’s wishy-washy

Night Owl II? A dud.
Doctor Manhattan? BLUE WANG.
Ozzy? Too remote.

That’s the thing here
None of these characters are
Noble, likeable

Felt more like a big
Character study than epic
Heroic saga

There is a romance
Love triangle between girl,
Blue dude, and the dud

Did I mention that
This is a really LONG book?
Felt endless to me

Boat? Must have missed it.
Kept waiting for it to blow
Me away. Just blows.

Joke. Wasn’t that bad.
Wasn’t that great either, too.
Might just be over-hype.

But in the end, what
Does it say that I liked
the psycho guy best?

Too long, dense and no
one to root for. Add unsexy
Blue pecker. C grade.

This book can be purchased in paperback from Amazon.

Thursday Afternoon Haiku Moment: Forest of Hands and Teeth by Carrie Ryan

Jaiku — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 22:00:13 +0000

The following is a spoiler filled tale in the spirit of Green Eggs and Ham.

I am a zombie fan!
Zombie fan I am

That zombie-fan-I-am
That zombie-fan-I-am!
I do not like that Forest of Hand (and Teeth)!

Do you like
The village and Mary?

I am not being contrary.
This story is not
believable or scary.

Would you like Mary
On the run?

I would not like her
On the run.
I did not find the story fun.

I did not like
The escape plan.
I did not like it, as a zombie fan.

Did you like the love story?
Did you find the ending gory?

I did not like the
Love story.
I did not like the ending,
I did not find it gory.
I did not like the vagueness
of the undead.
I did not understand what was going
on in Mary’s head.

I did not like her
Selfish outlook.
I did not like
This Forest book.
I did not like it,
Zombie-fan-I-am.

Would you like it if the author
Moved Mary
To someplace
A little more scary?

Not in the new place.
Not with zombies in her face.
Not behind the fences please.
Not in a platform in the trees.
I did not like Mary
here or there.
I did not like her anywhere.
I did not like her selfish outlook.
I did not like this Forest book.

Why not? What’s wrong? Everyone else loves it.
It’s the tale of the zombie apocalypse! And how Mary overcomes it!
I did not enjoy it. For others, it might be a hit.

You may like it. Read it again!
Everyone else gave this book a ten!

I cannot like it, you cannot make me.
The world-building made no sense! Hide from zombies in a TREE?

I did not like how Mary was never satisfied
No matter how hard Travis or Harry tried
I did not like that the zombies are hardly shown
We are barely given a severed limb or groan
I did not believe in the world that was given
I did not like how the characters were driven
I did enjoy the appearance of Gabrielle, so bold
But her real story is never $%%&&* told!

On the run! On the run!
What about when the characters go on the run?
They find another village
Weren’t you stunned?

Not in the new town nor in the old!
Not at the ocean! I am still not sold!

I did not like Mary.
I did not like how she insisted that they end her sister-in-law’s life
I did not like how she mooned over her friend Travis.
Even though she was practically Harry’s wife
I did not like the glimpses we were shown
And then never told us about. This made me groan.
If you like this book, you must assume.
Assume some zombies are fast! No reason! Just are!
And that despite all these safe paths, no one ever went that far!

This zombie apocalypse did not feel very ‘apocalypse’ to me.
I did not like it, zombie fan though I be.

Say! What about the zombies?
Weren’t they scary?
Didn’t that part of the book appeal
Even if you didn’t like Mary?

I did not find it super-scary. I thought the characters were not
appropriately wary.

What do you mean? Did you read every scene?

I read every scene and thought Mary was dense.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, why stick your hands through the fence?
She doesn’t get hurt. Someone always saves her tail.
I would have let the zombies eat her. TSTL Fail!

You did not like the Forest book?
I did not like it or the vague end.
But I like Ryan’s writing. Or is it too late to defend?

What grade would you give it? This Forest book?
I’d probably give it a D, given my sour outlook.

This book can be purchased in mass market from Amazon or ebook format from the Sony Store and other etailers.

Thursday Afternoon Haiku Moment: Just One of the Guys by Kristan Higgins

Jaiku — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 21:00:42 +0000

Another contemp
I become predictable
Sorry DA Fans

This one – first person
The POV is light, fun…
Also present tense. :-(

Is ok, Higgins
I forgive for present tense
Because your book? Great.

Men do not want Chas
Female jock masquerading
As dating leper.

Chas still wants Trevor
Her first lover & first love
But they are just friends

I love your voice BUT
Trevor’s “hot fudge sundae eyes”
Every chapter??

The subplots are fun
I wept last hundred pages
Sad but happy end

The best character?
Has to be Scorpion Bowl
Steals the scene, always

Light, fun. I stayed up
Too late reading. Now looking
For backlist. B+

This book can be purchased in mass market from Amazon or ebook format from the Sony Store or 30% off from Harlequin as part of the DABWAHA extravaganza and other etailers.

Thursday Afternoon Haiku Moment: a Deirdre Martin Two-fer

Jaiku — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 22:00:48 +0000

Power Play by Deirdre Martin

Celebs faking love
Same plot as the SEP
But here I love it

Eric’s a player
Both in hockey and dating
His new team hates him

Monica? Soap star
In trouble — about to be
Upstaged by rival

Cure to their problems?
Fake romance for publicity
It’s a win for both.

What’s fake becomes real
They fall for each other fast
Will true love fix all?

What I liked about this:
Both enjoyed being celebs
No whiny bitching

Monica wants her
Picture taken, and so does
Eric. Feels HONEST.

Eric is a dork
And at times, sleazy – but I
Like the dual nature

Choosing between this
Book or WHAT I DID FOR LOVE?
No contest. B grade.

This book can be purchased in mass market from Amazon or ebook format from the Sony Store and other etailers.

Chasing Stanley by Deirdre Martin

Another Blades book
This one features Eric’s twin
Jason as hero

The heroine here?
Jewish dog-walker and all
around stick-in-mud

Right away, I feel
these two are DOOMED for divorce.
Relationship fail.

He wants to party
She’s a homebody who loves
Animal Planet

He wants to party
(even more) but she is scared
To meet new people

He lies to her a
LOT. She can’t add him to her
Busy schedule. Sigh.

The only thing tying
These two together? Jason’s
Massive dog Stanley

I love Martin’s story
But I can’t get past mental
Roadblock for these two.

Still like your voice, tho
I am sticking around for
More Blades books. D

This book can be purchased in mass market from Amazon or ebook format from the Sony Store and other etailers.

Thursday Afternoon Haiku Moment: Passion by Lisa Valdez

Jaiku — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 23:00:46 +0000

First DA Request
You guys are killing me here
Haiku seppuku

Cover made me think
That Passion was Spanish gal.
Nope. English Redhead.

Story starts with bang
No really, hero bangs her
After public grope

Valdez likes words that
Make me cringe: quim & cunt. I
Titter like schoolgirl

Hero talks dirty
They have nasty public sex
I am on page…ten?

Her: Call me Passion
Him: I’m Mark, like the Bible
Me: Puke barf puke

Before we go on
Can we discuss Passion’s dual
chambered vagina?

Hero pushes in…
then… further in? Makes me
Check MY lady-parts.

I have had sex, too.
Last time I checked? One
Chamber vagina.

They repeatedly
Have public sex behind screen
It seems so, so wrong.

Book is like train wreck
PASSION, wish I could quit you
But I still read on.

Goes downhill from here
They have sex and sex and sex
Oh plot, where art thou?

Oh wait, here it is
Sandwiched in middle of book
Hero is blackmailed

Mark needs heirs for line
Passion is ‘barren’. Romance codespeak
for pregnancy plot.

He is to marry her cousin
Oh noes! Cue up one hundred
pages of emo

This is a romance
So all is well that ends well
(and sequel bait too)

My over-all thoughts?
Valdez is talented…but
There is too much skeeze.

Hero is a dirty talker
He tells Passion that she wants it
And how, where…and why.

He is less sexy
And more like a date rapist
And Passion? Doormat.

Creepy scenes in book?
Far too plentiful to count
I have not the words

Like when Mark tells her
That he can fill a shotglass
With c!um? TMI.

Or how about the time
She tells him she has played with
her sisters’ girl parts?

Or maybe the time
when she begins to lactate
& he watches with lust?

And then he is so
Turned on, they make love again
Baby pinned ‘tween them

All that is in book
Not making this shit up, folks
Couldn’t if I tried.

Book leaves me speechless
All thoughts burned out by page 50
I feel dirty now.

Was going with “C”
But is an insult to all
C grades. Sorry. D.

This book can be purchased in mass market from Amazon. No ebook format kids.

Thursday Afternoon Haiku Moment: A Sonnet for Susan Elizabeth Phillips’ What I Did For Love

Jaiku — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 22:00:57 +0000

(Based off of Shakespeare’s famous sonnet)

Shall I compare thee to the A Grade?
Thou art more grating to my skull
A good contemporary should be a lively parade
But I find this book amazingly dull.
Sometimes the heroine whines about life
And the hero pretends to be a jerk
Round after round of endless sniping strife
I despise both and hope it does not work
But just when the lies cannot get any thicker
Georgie decides that she loves Bram – it’s fate
Though they do naught but f&ck & bicker
I hate both of them – hate hate hate hate hate

All say, “Good contemp? Read a SEP!”
A great writer, but I hate your MCs.

This book can be purchased in hardcover from Amazon or ebook format from the Sony Store and other etailers beginning January 27, 2009.

Thursday Afternoon Haiku Moment: Vampire Academy by Richelle Mead

Jaiku — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 22:00:17 +0000

Two years on the run
Lissa and Rose return home
Vampire boarding school

You know the drill here
Hot boys, bitchy rivals, and
Vampire PE class

The tale? Not so fresh.
But before you haters scream
I still liked this book.

Rose is a dhampir
Half-vamp and a mental bond
With Princess Lissa

Rose in Lissa’s brain
Kind of like Dragonriders
But without tent pegs

Dimitri? Cuteness.
Christian? Emo cuteness.
Mason? Ginger. Bleh.

Vamp society
Unique, complex and detailed
Mead outdid herself

Wanted more strigoi
(and maybe just a little
More Dimitri sex)

Adults will enjoy
As well as teenage girls
My vote? Solid B.

This book can be purchased in mass market from Amazon or ebook format from the Sony Store and other etailers.

Thursday Afternoon Haiku Moment: Flat Out Sexy by Erin McCarthy

Jaiku — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 22:00:00 +0000

In a contemp mood
SBs say your book is good
I am won over.

McCarthy virgin
No vamps or angels. Nascar?
Oh boy. Could be bad.

One night stand with guy
In Chapter One. Way to give
the milk for free, cow.

No hate for Tammy
BUT that is kind of cliché
Happens too often

Despite rocky start
(and the Nascar – not a fan)
This is a fun read

The hero Elec
Where have you been all my life
Young, hot, devoted

Ty, Ryder – I smell
Scent of sequels upon you
A bit obvious

Heroine is meh
But I enjoy the hero
And the sex is hot

I waffle on grade
Dahl is hard act to follow
I’ll give you a B.

Thursday Afternoon Haiku Moment: Talk Me Down by Victoria Dahl

Jaiku — Thu, 29 Jan 2009 23:00:32 +0000

Oh boy, where to start?
Statement: Not a contemp fan-
But Dahl has won me.

It wasn’t the plot
It wasn’t Ben or Molly
Or the hot sexxors

The story? Saucy.
The voice? Fun, frisky & light.
I am your fangirl.

Blushing Sheriff Ben
Naughty kittenish Molly
Turns life upside down

Molly’s secret? Porn.
Just kidding. She writes for an
Ellora’s Cave Clone.

How to describe Ben?
"Metrosexual’ does it.
Want to pinch his cheeks.

There is a stalker
Molly needs a slap to head
(Bit too dismissive)

No worries out there
Romanceland! TSTL
Radar never beeps.

Was giving a B
But write up gives warm fuzzies
So-you get an A.

Thursday Haiku Moment: Kiss of a Demon King by Kresley Cole

Jaiku — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 21:00:36 +0000

Story parallel to Cade’s
What I liked: EVERYTHING
Cole can do no wrong.

Illusion Queen is
Misunderstood, not evil
(Well, a bit evil.)

Rydstrom shows his horns
Grows a personality
Bondage fetish, yum.

One part of story
Disappoints: we never see
Ryd’s piercings, alas.

I’m a dirty bird
Wanted nasty hot sexxors
This has all & more

Witty, fun romp? Check.
Sex as playful torture? Check.
Gena shout out? CHECK.

Did I mention that
The cover is hotness itself?
Grade A from this girl.