Once I got past the first paragraph, the rest of it flowed smoothly for me. I’m okay with the present tense to start with – I like the immediacy of it. However, be careful with the length of that section. If I was reading it in ebook format, and all I got in the sample was the first few pages, I wouldn’t know that the tense later switched, and then I might not go on to buy the book.

But there’s some pruning to be done. I had to read the page several times before I figured out that “the apparition” and “the watcher” were both referring to the just-materialized being. Don’t get into “burly detective syndrome”–it’s OK to say “the girl” or “she”.

Think about paring this back by about a third for clarity, and my guess is that the present tense will work just fine.

And as someone else said, there are numerous ways to make the words in parentheses stick out without using ( ) to mark them. You can Italicize them or use-’em dashes-’for emphasis, among other options.

The premise is sound and does capture the attention, despite the format. I confess, I’m a picky reader, but you’ve definitely piqued my curiosity with this one.

Like others, however, I was confused about the watcher and that pulled me out of the story a bit. Other than that, thought it was interesting and definitely not the same old/same old.

First of all, thanks so much to the Janes for posting this. I’m really excited for the chance for feedback from people who aren’t friends and family, and it looks like I’m getting what I wanted. And thank you to all who are commenting! This is so helpful!

It seems like the two major issues are the first paragraph and the present tense. I’ll definitely be changing the opening– unlike you lovely people, I suspect agents aren’t bothering to read past it. The whole book is written, but I’m having a hard time selling it.

As for the present tense, would it change things if I said it does drop into past tense in about 10 pages? Or is that not soon enough? I chose the present tense to emphasize the dream-like quality of this particular scene, and I’m loathe to lose that tone. But it seems that one decision might lose a lot of readers right off the bat. Hmmm…

Again, thank you so much!

But . . . having turned the page and the next one and the next, I’d probably set the book back on the shelf if we didn’t move into Past Tense.

It starts very omnisciently and that worked for me because I could feel the distance between the new entity and her body because of it. However, I’m not really on board with the phrase like “of course”, like a narrator is talking to us.

A few specific nitpicks–like another commenter, I didn’t like the use of the word apparition in the first paragraph. While I suppose she is technically an apparition in that she appeared, to me the word signifies transience, and possibly transparency, and if she’s corporeal, the word doesn’t feel right.

I don’t like the last sentence of the first paragraph. I thought the passive voice was awkward there, and even if you don’t want to reveal her gender in that paragraph, I’d still flip the construction around and say, “It considered the physical sensation with confusion,” or “the watcher considered the physical sensation with confusion.” I don’t have a knee-jerk reaction against passive voice, but that particular line felt awkward to me.

I didn’t mind the parentheses.

Overall, really strong. I enjoyed it and the writing is strong. I would keep reading it, though maybe not if the whole book is present tense.

I had the same experience as a previous commenter in that the word ‘watcher’ threw me at first and I thought for a moment that there was another person watching. Also, I wasn’t sure how well the parentheses worked. IMHO, I think it might read more smoothly if words like ‘rain’ and ‘building’ got their own sentences and were italicised. For example:
“But to wait out of the weather would be best. Rain. The word whispers through her mind.”

Good job :)