Also, I’m a bit confused about why Sloan’s aim didn’t matter. I get his reference to women, but I don’t get the reference to why his aim wasn’t important in this instance.

Based on that, I think you have a winner. However, I didn’t really feel the run-for-your-life thing. She seemed more like she was star-gazing, daydreaming about snow falling in her face. It made the run improbable and the tough hunter character she turns out to be a surprise.

Nothing wrong with running as fast as you can if the enemy is tougher than you think, if you ultimately take him down.

I’d really like tough hunter had a scare, gets up and banters with colleague, if it was without the stargazing and slightly purple prose about snow and breath and stars and the Northern Lights, of all things.

First pages are hard. I’d write the story and then revisit.

1. The author doesn’t care.
2. The author lacks sufficient mastery of the English language to recognize errors.
3. The author doesn’t respect her readers.
4. All of the above.

So I guess no one saw “ghost” with Demi Moore and Patrick Swayze? Where he dies and comes back as a ghost to his lover? wow. Ok, I guess i'll take that out. Just thought more people would have understood that one.

Ah, I see. Well, you used a real-life person’s name, which is probably why some – including me – didn’t get the Ghost reference. When I think of her, I think of St. Elmo’s Fire (“The one where she tried to freeze herself to death by opening all windows of her flat!”). Perhaps it’d be better to use her Ghost character’s name, Molly Jensen?

I mean, yesterday a friend jokingly addressed a male friend – who’d been playing pool – “Begbie”. We immediately understood she was referring to a notorious character from Trainspotting. If she used the Begbie actor’s name Robert Carlyle instead, we wouldn’t get it.

Worth a thought, but thanks for explaining the Demi Moore reference.

In a nutshell, I agree this is clunky writing, very tell-y and error-ridden. Sorry.

Beyond her fogging breaths and drifting snow, was the moon.

Makes it sound as if the drifting snow is also hers. And the comma doesn’t need to be there. (I also have never thought of the aurora borealis as the moon’s “companion,” but that could be just me.)

Halting just at her side, a towering figure stood with his outstretched hand waiting patiently for her to take it.

I guess this technically works, as his hand could be patiently waiting for her to take it, but it’s better, IMO, if the character is waiting for her to take his hand, rather than the hand itself.

In addition, Sloan rolls his eyes, then flashes a “knowing grin,” and we see his dimples? How do his dimples border his cheeks, exactly? Then later the moonlight “catches a twinkle” in his brown eyes. Then he scowls and purses his lips at the same time, apparently.

Hope “suddenly” gasps and clutches her face. She knows she’s going to do it, and this is her POV, so “suddenly” is not only telling, it’s out of place.

Also, some of your sentences are confusing and lengthy. Yes, long sentences are fine and sometimes necessary, but it’s better to try to find other ways to word things. Like:

Running hadn't been intentional nor had it been out of fear, but when bloodlust, a compelling force all werewolves succumbed to, took over the beast stalking her in the back drop of woods, she'd had no choice but to run, out maneuver it, and then destroy it.

1. Running was certainly intentional, unless some unseen force took control of her body. I think you mean she hadn’t planned to run initially but ultimately had to.

2. I’m confused as to how she was running for her life, but not out of fear. Do you mean she had to run to get enough distance from the thing to outmaneuver it? She hadn’t been able to get herself ready before the bloodlust took the beast? But the beast was stalking her before the bloodlust took over, right? So why didn’t she outmaneuver it then?

3. I get that bloodlust is a compelling force all werewolves succumb to, but again, if she knew it could happen why wasn’t she prepared? And why explain it in such a clunky way? This whole sentence, in fact, is tell. You have a whole scene full of adventure and tension in this sentence, but rather than show it to us you just sort of explain it.

Sorry, but the writing didn’t grab me at all. It’s an “almost there,” instead of “there.”

Good luck!

The babe and boss thing didn’t bother me so much since it mentions that she mentored him, and I didn’t really think of them in a boss/subordinate relationship, but more of a colleague where one person has more rank than the other.

I’m somewhat interested by this premise because it seems a little different from the regular werewolf mythos, but at the same time I’m tired of people who try create their own mythos.

Inappropriate sexual innuendos in a work situation are, for most women, icky and upsetting rather than cheeky and fun. Don’t bring them in so soon, because Sloan is coming off as a sexist ass rather than a lovable rogue; they might work fine after you’d established his character, but right now you haven’t laid a foundation for them.

The concept of a duo of paranormal investigators who date supernatural beings and spar a la Bruce Willis and Cybill Shepherd on Moonlighting is total gold, though. You’ve got a winner here—it just needs fine-tuning.

I agree with the other commenters that the banter doesn’t work. I got what you were going for (tough guy cop sex banter. I watch too many police procedurals…) but your execution failed and felt stilted and unnatural. I kept wondering why the hell they WOULD have ever seen one another’s dates. You aren’t likely to regularly have dates showing up at the precinct (hunter HQ, whatever).

Minor awkward wording and sentence structure can easily be polished up.

I got the reference to Demi Moore and the motion picture Ghost, but since several people don’t seem to catch on, maybe it’s not an ideal reference to use. I’m not recommending you take it out, just think about taking it out. Who knows? You may happily introduce people to a great film. : )

I did find this awkward:

Beyond her fogging breaths and drifting snow, was the moon. Hanging heavy and full, beautiful yet deadly.

I’d suggest combining the sentences:

Beyond her fogged breaths and drifting snow, the full moon hung, beautiful yet deadly.

It’s possible you could trim away more adjectives and “tighten” your prose even more.

I disagree with the reviewers suggesting the banter is out of place. I’ve got the impression this is a close-knit, hard-working group in an isolated environment. It makes sense to me the characters are very comfortable and informal with each other. I’m also tasting a military or quasi-military flavor (or it’s just my imagination working OT.)

Now, I would pull out modifiers because I happen to like a stripped-down style. IMO the passage would be cleaner and brighter without them. Any modifiers you leave in place would pack more punch.
Only my opinion.

What I mean. Not so much,

***
Hope's rapid breaths churned with the Yukon air, creating a steam engine effect with each exhale. She lay flat on her back, blinking past the dainty white flakes of snow falling from the midnight sky.

Beyond her fogging breaths and drifting snow, was the moon. Hanging heavy and full, beautiful yet deadly. It's companion, the aurora borealis danced among the stars, casting a celestial glow upon the rocky, snow-covered terrain.***

Could be clipped to,

***
Hope's breath churned the Yukon air, giving off white like a steam engine. She lay on her back, blinking past the flakes of falling snow, looking up at the beautiful and deadly moon. The aurora borealis danced among the stars, shedding coloured light on the rocky snow around her.
***

That’s pulling out modifiers and leaving the basic action.

In particular, I’ve pulled out words that don’t seem to resonate with the underlying situation of danger, running, death, and fear. Words like creating, exhale, dainty, drifting, celestial, terrain. There’s nothing wrong with those words, of course, but more robust language for the concepts above — making, panting, cutting, falling, sky, earth — might serve to create a different atmosphere.

Reading through this passage, I feel as if I’m missing a sense of urgency. No panting, shivering, sprained ankles, face cut from branches, bruises from the fall that put her on the ground, confusion as she pulls her mind out of bloodlust and fear.

Some of this could be added with sharp. staccato, hard-punching words.

I’d also like to be deeper in the physicality of the scene. I want sensory details. And I want the POV emphasized as everything is described in reference to her position.
That’s why I’d make the aurora light fall on the snow around her instead of on ‘the terrain’.

What I mean by placing action in ref to the POV character …
Not so much,

***
Halting just at her side, a towering figure stood with his outstretched hand waiting patiently for her to take it.
***

because I don’t get a sense this is our POV character lying, looking up, and seeing this. It feels more like someone outside describing.
And would Hope not think of Sloan simply by name?

Maybe more,
***
Sloan crunched towards her and stood, blocking out the moon. He stretched his hand down.
***

Final thought –
You’re adding werewolf details which is cool, necessary and nicely done.

Can you do this without taking the POV character out of the scene?
Could you consider sweeping all these werewolf bits together and pouring them in all at once after you establish the presence in the here-and-now?

To do this, you’d maybe not talk about werewolfing in general or werewolf running in the last scene. It might come as you tell us about being a werewolf IN this scene. She walks across the crusted, squeaking snow, face to the wind, to where the body is sprawled out in all its blood and intestines.

You could maybe talk about what being a werewolf means IN this scene. She looks at and smells the body. She hears the biological world around her in some animal-connected way. She comes down from a bloodlust high.

Not so much,
***
bloodlust, a compelling force all werewolves succumbed to, took over the beast stalking her ***

But more,
***
She could still smell the mix of adrenaline and musk on him. Bloodlust. You smell that, you run for your life.
****

which puts it in the here and now of the scene.

“I've got to say boss, I'm a little offended you're out here making snow angels without the rest of us.” Sloan said,

You need a comma at the end of the dialogue, not a full stop.

“Oh No! Sloan I think you've been sleeping with werewolves.”

Random capitalization of “no” plus you’re missing the direct address comma after Sloan (this is a problem throughout this excerpt).

Hope snorted and waved a dismissive hand as she strode to through the ankle deep snow

Extra word.

I know people will say it’s nitpicky to focus on these errors, but when I see this many mistakes in the first page, my reaction is: The author doesn’t care. Why should I?

The heroine lies in the snow and breathes. The moon shines. Her subordinate shows up and makes stilted, inappropriate, irrelevant banter, with weird pop-culture references.

Then this happens: Hope snorted and waved a dismissive hand as she strode to through the ankle deep snow, making her way toward the crowd of officers huddling over the disemboweled remains of her kill.

THAT’S where this story begins.

I also agree that the first two sentences are jarring. No one else has mentioned it, but I didn’t like the “same old, same old” phrase. It’s too immediate and clashes with the literary feel of the descriptive language all around it.

If this is your rough draft, it explains the “hot mess,” as Lori called it. But I would hate to be the editor of something so sloppy.

I’m being severe because the writing indicates you could do far better than this. Don’t be lazy. You are supposed to cut the gem from the rock, not make your readers do the work.

She is bait, attempting to lure the creature out of the woods so her squadron can tranquilize it. Which you see on the next page. Again I can’t show you everything. BUT this particular wolf doesn’t wait to simply stalk her before it attacks like the others-which you see on the second page- because it’s starving. Again second page.

But thanks for your pointers! They are def. helpful

Thanks for your review. the its and it’s thing was just a typo..thanks for pointing it out!

Sloan and Hope have been partners for twenty years and yes, as the story goes on you will see that they -tried- a relationship but it didn’t work b/c of Hope’s issues. He’s not the hero but he is a big part of the story and will possibly :) big smile here :) have his own book one day. He’s just the typical gutter minded guy. Those inappropriate innuendos are just him…

Thanks again

To begin with someone lying in the snow after saying she’s lucky to be alive and then describe the moon was also jarring.

So the character is lying in the snow a distance from the werewolf she killed? Why is she a walk away from the disembodied remains? Did she gut him with a knife (why is she using a knife when her team has guns?) and then walk away to look at the moon and collapse?

Why is she lying in the snow at all?

I’m afaid I’m the dissenting voice here but I think this is a hot mess. If you look at the scene it just doesn’t make sense.