I don’t think the heroine is TSTL, I think she’s adorable. I chuckled out loud at her “Where do you think I should go?” bit because while it’s clear she needs a keeper (here’s hoping the hero shows up soon to fill that role), it’s not in an obnoxious “I think I know what I’m doing even though I really don’t” way. She’s clearly excited about her adventure and seems a sweet person. I’m also curious about the why of her adventure, which makes me want to read on.

I like her a whole lot. I’d definitely clean up those first two paragraphs though, because I regret to say I might not make it past them in a bookstore and would hate to miss a story it sounds like I’d really like because of it.

However, if it is included, ‘nodding to acquaintances she barely knew and probably didn't like’ sounds (again)odd to my ear – if you barely know someone, how do you know it’s probable that you don’t like them? Would work if the character was written as miserable and Scrooge-like, but she seems a bit too sunshiny to hate people in general.

The $25 wouldn’t bother me – whether it’s an adequate amount of money or not – if Dorothy’s got that wrong, I’d read it as an indication that she isn’t as well-prepared for her adventure as she thinks she is, rather than as a mistake on the author’s part.

I’d read on: I like it.

Oh, agreed. But I wonder that when I see people wearing modern sunglasses indoors as well!

The “inside” didn’t occur to me because Grand Central wasn’t a building but a trainyard in 1905, as others have pointed out.

It's hard for me to believe a family of Irish descent is now (1905) THE richest, most socially affluent family in New York/the world.

“McNair” is a Scots name, not an Irish name. Andrew Carnegie, one of the world’s richest men at that time, was a Scottish immigrant.

But I think your question points out that, if Dorothy’s heritage is meant to be Scottish, she should have a more clearly Scots surname.

You obviously know the period well, and seem to have a love for it. But, there are a few small things in which I think you can improve upon . . . to make us, the reader, truly invested in the world you create, and your heroine. I feel as if I should care more about her, and right now, there’s not enough for me to want to root for her.

I think it’s too much info in the beginning. We’re getting too much thrown at us, and it’s too much, too soon. I’d rather have details parsed in through the first chapter. Show us instead of telling us things about her. I get the picture she’s careless when she doesn’t know what Columbus is like and she reminds me a little bit of a oh, let’s have a grand adventure heroine. I think I need to have some motivation as to why she’s like this. Her having money, or being a socialite, is not just enough imo.

But why wouldn’t she know the outlay of NY if she traveled to all these other places? Is she just returning to NY, after a long absence?

I think you have a story; I just think you’re starting in the wrong place. All this right now is backstory. Get to where things start to actually change for your heroine and go from there.

Also, a small grammar thing. You have this:

“Where do you think I should go?” she leaned forward. “I've heard so much of Buffalo at this time of the year.”

“Say, miss,” the ticket seller frowned. “If you don't know where to, get out of the line until you do. You're holding up a lot of busy people.” He hooked a thumb at the line behind her. “Where to, sir?”

And instead it could be:

“Where do you think I should go?” She leaned forward. “I've heard so much of Buffalo at this time of the year.”

“Say, miss”–the ticket seller frowned–”if you don't know where to, get out of the line until you do. You're holding up a lot of busy people.” He hooked a thumb at the line behind her. “Where to, sir?”

Best of luck to you!

It was the norm for most blind people of that period to wear tinted glasses. One famous example: Laura Bridgman, an American deaf-blind woman.

Diana, thanks for the rec. I adore Gilded Age romance. Am investigating right now.

This writing’s not bad, but the technicalities already cited by several responses (i.e. inconsistent descriptors, adverb excesses, info-dump beginning) could use some polish and tightening up.

Tell us less, show us more. You don’t have to reveal everything on page one, you just have to reveal 1) what is relevant and 2) what is interesting (so we keep reading.)

So far, I’m not interested in Dorothy McNair at all. I’m a smidgeon away from disliking her. On your first page she reads as feather-headed and condescending.

Wasn’t there a lot of anti-Irish discrimination in New York in the nineteenth century? It’s hard for me to believe a family of Irish descent is now (1905) THE richest, most socially affluent family in New York/the world.

It seems unlikely to me that Dorothy would actively relish being “the richest girl in the world” unless she’s noveaux riche, in which case all the money in the world won’t admit her to “Blue Book” society (although some of the “Blue Bloods” fallen on hard times might see her as a meal ticket.) People born to wealth and privilege usually don’t think about their wealth and privilege or crow over it because it’s normal to them. It’s people LACKING wealth and privilege who view them as exceptional.

Assuming Dorothy is an educated woman (with all that money she ought to be educated)she should have SOME ideas as to what lays beyond New York, even though she may not have done much traveling in her own country. This is an era where geography was an important subject in school. Books and magazines on travel were very popular reading. Maybe Dorothy read a book about wild Texas outlaws and determined to visit Texas herself. Maybe a letter from a friend describes to her how beautiful springtime is in Savannah, and Dorothy decides to witness it herself.

Unless Dorothy is stupid (she reads that way right now) or a lazy student (not an admirable trait in a heroine)she ought to have some kind of destination, interest in seeing a particular area of the country, etc. Having her show up at Grand Central Station and solicit staff and strangers for traveling advice crosses the line to TSTL. May I suggest Dorothy have this discussion with her own servants/staff or other more credible sources? Example: maybe in her travels through Europe she met a nice family from Vermont and their descriptions of their home excited Dorothy’s curiosity.

Or maybe she chats with her maid or her housekeeper: “Mrs. Howard, if you could go anywhere in the country, where would YOU like to go?”

Social custom at the time just doesn’t make Dorothy’s current behaviors and attitudes very credible.

I apologize if my criticism sounds overly harsh. I think you’re a good writer and you can do better than this. Historicals are my pet genre, and they are not as easy to write well as detractors of the genre think. I heartily wish you well on this project. It has real potential if you invest effort in it.

And yeah, holy infodump, Batman!

If her spectacles are sunglasses, they weren't invented by Foster until 1929.

What? No, that’s totally false. What Foster invented was the polarized lens. Tinted and smoked spectacles for use in the sun and snow have been around in Europe and the Americas since the 17th century (and in China long before that).

If she’s trying to hide her eyes in 1905, tinted spectacles would be the move.

The first paragraph is kind of explain-y, especially the first sentence. I’d cut some of it and thrust us right into the action, and give us clues about the heroine’s background as we move through the narrative instead.

But I’d love to see a Guilded Age/Edwardian-era romance novel, especially one that takes place in the US (although I was a little disappointed that the heroine is leaving New York).

I think you mean “din” of conductors, unless of course there is a small den somewhere off the main terminal where they like to practice their shouting…but probably not.

“Ah, it smelled alive and thriving, of people filled with purpose, simple people, whose only desire was to get to where they were going and no doubt do very important things.”

I’m not sure what “alive” or “thriving” smell like. Cabbage? Ditto on what “people filled with purpose” smell like, and since they are also the object of the verb smelled, might I suggest “unwashed?”

“She didn't mind her immense wealth…”

What a surprise! Really, take this out. Just do.

More importantly, however, is that the whole description is a bit trite–it’s such a shorthand in romance fiction for the heroine’s curls to show she’s adventurous/independent/stubborn (why the hair and chin are such signifiers of character I don’t know–you get the chin you were born with). If that’s what you’re trying to show, I’d do it some other way. If it’s just description, work it in later. If it’s to show that she’s trying to hide her identity, make it more obvious.

I’d stay away from a parenthesis in the first sentence. They signify “you can skip this” to the reader, and you don’t want the reader skipping anything in the first line.

Also, if she knows how dire poverty can be, why in the world does she think $25 is going to be enough?

Are you going for a It Happened One Night-vibe? That’s what heiress on an adventure says to me. That heroine, though, had no clue about money or anything, so it was ok that she had huge lapses in common sense.

I agree with the posters who said the hook needed to be a bit stronger. I don’t need more plot, but I do need a bit more direction. If she wants to go anywhere, why does she want to go anywhere but there? Vague reasoning and vague direction is one too many.

That said, this could definitely be a book I’d be interested in. Good luck!

If her spectacles are sunglasses, they weren’t invented by Foster until 1929. I got the impression that you’re going for an earlier time, closer to 1900.

In this snippet, you have 11 “ly” words, only 2 of which I didn’t wince over. I’m going to get reamed for this, but “ly” words can be the sign of a lazy writer. One who doesn’t use their words to their best advantage.

I pushed through the first two paragraphs because I wanted to see where you were going with this. If I picked this up at a bookstore, I’d have put it back because I don’t want you to tell me the story, I want the characters to show me the story. I don’t read books that are boring.

Right now, I don’t like your heroine very much either. She’s not very smart if she only takes $25 with her. And should she go to a bank when she gets to her destination and do a funds transfer, her parents/people/what have you, would know immediately where she is. Rather contradicts the whole incognito thing.

I love early 1900′s settings and I think this could be interesting with the right twist to the runaway heiress plot, but it needs to be reworked.

This is all MHO and you’ll find a hundred different ones based on who’s reading your book.

Kudos for putting it out there and good luck to you.

It’s important for us to feel some sympathy with the character. You say she wishes to do charity work, but she seems to have just fallen out of her home for the first time ever. Even rich Manhattan socialites have been to Grand Central Station or stood among crowds on the street or seen poor or middle class people before–especially if they’ve traveled through Europe and Africa! Does she have a maid she’s friendly with? Give her some agency. All that talk about balls or the boredom of walking around Central Park — is there any reason she’s running away NOW that you can hint at?